hope somebody out there can help me with this. 10 yrs dif in age, married 8 mos, his wife died in auto accident, 2 kids, girl 9, boy 3, I have no kids, we both agreed wanted 1 or 2 more kids together and we can afford it. I also love these kids and estaablished a great relationship with them during the yr we dated before marriage. sound like a happy-ever-after story? I thought so, but since marriage everything falling apart, girl hates me more and more, and even though little boy wants hugs he asks me strange questions like if I really like him, am I gonna have a new baby and give him away, so he gets this from somebody (I think maybe his maternal grandmother, who I have tried to please in every way with no success) My husband is frustrated and tho he knows Im trying he now says maybe we should have waited to get married, too much trauma for the kids, so we should wait to have kids ourselves, and more and more pictures of his dead wife keep cropping up around the house, in beautiful frames, and when I complained he said they are comforting to the kids so why should I mind, after all shes no competition, is she? but I cant go into a room w/o seeing her face (shes really quite pretty) and everything is falling apart in my life. so am I being petty, dont want to be, need some advice on this.
"everything is falling apart in my life"
This isn't about you! This is about these children who have lost their mom. I realize you understand this but what you've written, it indicates that you are seeing this through your eyes & feelings. And your husband is correct; it might have been wiser to have waited providing there was counseling at the same time. And I would venture to guess that as a family there has been no counseling. I STRONGLY suggest that you do this right away with a professional whose expertise is in grief counseling.
According to http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/29 they recommend waiting 2-3 yrs after the death of a parent to even DATE. For one reason the person who lost their spouse needs that time to heal. They say "moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process" & the child's need to heal & find stability. (cont'd)
-Lo 3/19
(cont'd)
They also suggest dating for 2 yrs before DECIDING to marry.
You can visit that site to read the rest.
The bottom line is you need to NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU! Stop feeling sorry for yourself & dig deep. Get counseling for yourself, as a family & have your husband also see a good counselor. It's obvious he hasn't finished his own grieving process. You NEED to ALLOW him to do this if you want a successful marriage.
Read up on the subject. Become a student of your husband, these children, even their mom & HER FAMILY! Because THEY ARE STILL part of the family & their mom will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be a part of their lives!! When you have children & something should happen to you, would you want your children to forget about you?
There is absolutely nothing wrong in pictures being up. Infact go through the pictures with the kids & suggest buying one of those big picture frames that holds like 15+ pics & you can all put it together, placing it in a prominent place in your home.
This mom, in a way is trusting you to care for these children & love them like she did.
You could be the KEY to their healing, providing you throw yourself into this, leaving your feelings behind.
Take care!!
Wow, such a lot is going on, but it sounds like the crisis that is going on is making everyone turn the comfort that they associate with their dead mother/wife. I think it's worth giving it a go, and I think Lo has listed some great resources. Don't give up yet.
-Sheila G 3/19
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