Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Posts Tagged ‘why won’t he marry me’
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
 Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman. It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash. It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.
When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time. Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.” From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.
One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them. I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values. If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.
I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her. When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision. It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision. Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.
Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into. As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor. No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.
It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy. In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it. The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around. Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.
So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them. On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious. When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.
What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You
Tags: I'm ready for marriage he's not, men who won't marry, should I stay with him, why won't he marry me
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 13 Comments »
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
 Once a couple has been dating for somewhere around a year, it is typical that the woman’s friends and family start asking her about the future of this relationship. In the past, taking a relationship “to the next level” meant getting married, but for the past few decades many couples decide that the next step will be living together instead of marriage. For the most part, living together is not looked down on like it was in the past, which makes it easier for a women to accept a man’s offer to live together.
In general, there are 3 main types of couples that live together. To determine whether or not living together is something that is right for you, you need to decide which category you fall into and take a good look at what being in that situation means for you and the future of your relationship. Since people change and grow, it is certainly possible that you may start out in one category and move into a different category over time. The important thing to remember is that if living together doesn’t feel right to you, then this is not an option that you should consider no matter how much you love your partner.
Although there are many subcategories, here are the broad categories for couples who live together:
Both Partners Want to Live Together- Some people move in together and have no intention of getting married, while others are open to the notion of marriage “down the line” but they don’t want this commitment at the moment. Other couples are totally unsure what they want in the future, but they are at the point where they spend so much time with each other that maintaining two separate residences doesn’t make sense financially or logistically. In any of these situations, if both partners are equally comfortable with the idea of living together, then they may very well be one of those couples that can happily live together for years and years. The key is that this situation is what they both want and it is not a compromise for either partner.
On the Road to Marriage- This is a couple that plans on living together for a set amount of time until they get married. They may have school to finish, or they may have decided that there is no point in renewing an expiring lease when they are so close to being wed. These couples are often engaged and planning the wedding, but some couples are not quite this far along. This couple is different from the “some day we’ll get married couple” because they have a firm plan in place and a time frame for when they will get married. Of course if those plans change or that set wedding date gets moved out, this couple can easily fall into one of the other categories.
The Compromise Couple- This is the couple where one partner is ready for marriage now, and the other partner either never wants to be married or wants to get married “eventually.” It is this category that often has women posting stories of heartbreak on LuvemOrLeavem, and it is a situation that I always warn women against. If a woman is at the point where she is ready for marriage and her man will not propose, then living together is not going to convince this man to marry her.
In these situations, living together just prolongs the cycle of the couple being at two different stages in their lives, for two reasons. 1) He feels that he is meeting her need to take the relationship to the next level by moving in together. 2) She feels that they are a step closer to getting married now that they are living together. In reality, they are both still in the same two vastly different places regarding marriage and commitment. The only thing that has changed is that they are now living under the same roof despite wanting such different outcomes from this relationship.
So the real answer to whether or not you should live together is determined by what you truly want out of your relationship. If your goal is marriage, then you should not live together unless you are so far along the wedding path (ie. the invitations have been sent and the caterer is booked) that living together will not change anything. If you do find that the compromise couple best defines your relationship either because you started out this way or because you are no longer happy just living together, then the best thing to do is move out. Being at two different places in your lives regarding marriage cannot be changed by living together no matter how much love and energy you put into trying to make this happen.
What do you think about living together? When can it work and when should it be avoided? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me?
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You?
Tags: I want to get married, living togther, marriage, when will he marry me, why won't he marry me
Posted in advice for women | 6 Comments »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
 One of the most frequent questions that women ask on LuvemOrLeavem is “why won’t he marry me?” I actually created LuvemOrLeavem with these women in mind because I have known so many of them over the years. The thing that puzzles me most is that these women who have been hinting to their boyfriends for years that they want to get married are women that wouldn’t put up with being given the runaround in any other situation. These women make smart decisions in every other aspect of their lives, yet they stay in a situation where they seem to be the only ones that are unaware that these men will never marry them.
So why are these men so opposed to tying the knot? Although there are always specific details that vary among the stories of these couples, there are really only 2 main reasons why these men will not marry these women: 1) The man just does not want to get married 2) The man doesn’t want to marry that particular woman. I know this seems like an over simplification, but I think that delving into all the details of why a man is not marrying her, is what often causes women to get caught up in trying to turn these relationships into marriages.
Men Who Just Don’t Want To Get Married- There are some men who just have no intention of getting married. It’s easy to get caught up in the reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and to view them as barriers that can be overcome. If he has sworn off marriage because he went through an ugly divorce you may be tempted to prove that with you it can be different. If he thinks he is not the type of person who can be faithful, you may feel tempted to see the challenge as making sure that you prove to him that you can be exciting and desirable enough to make him never want to look at another woman again.
The problem is that not wanting to get married is about him, not about you. I’ve known women who date men who have told them for years that they never want to get married, yet they seem to think that if they wait it out he’ll change his mind. If a man tells you that he has no intention of getting married and backs that up by dating you for years without marrying, then take him at his word. He won’t be marrying you now matter how hard you try to change this.
Men Who Don’t Want to Marry a Particular Woman- This is a difficult scenario for a woman to accept. When a woman who has waited years for a proposal that never came watches that same man walk down the aisle with another woman, it’s hard not to have doubts about what was wrong with you and why he feels that this other women is so right for him. There are many reasons why a man may not want to marry a particular woman, and it doesn’t mean that anything was “wrong” with the first woman or that he didn’t love her enough to marry her.
It just means that the men weren’t sure that they were compatible enough for marriage. For example, I’ve known women who had careers that made their man think that work would keep them from being the kind of wife that they envisioned. On the flip side, I also knew a woman whose boyfriend felt that he could never be the dependable husband that she dreamed of having because he was a freelancer and never had a job with a steady paycheck. At the time, these women were heartbroken to see the men they had waited for walk down the aisle with someone else. It wasn’t until they met men that were compatible enough to marry that they realized that it truly wasn’t a strike against them that these other men had not wanted to marry them.
So there you have it, the two main reasons behind all the little reasons of why he won’t marry you. No matter which reason it is, the important thing is to move on from a relationship if you’ve reached the point where you want to marry him and he has shown that he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you love someone and thought that they were “the one,” but ultimately it is much better than getting married to the wrong person.
What do you think? Why would a man date a woman for years without marrying her even after she makes it clear how badly she wants to get married? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
P.S. For a humorous look at men who won’t tie the knot visit 25 Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You by Mike The Master Dater.
Tags: engagement, getting a proposal, how to get a proposal, want to get married, when to get married, why won't he marry me
Posted in lasting love, relationship problems | 63 Comments »
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
 When it comes to women and dating, there’s been a phenomenon called “The Rules” which emerged from the book: The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. The original Rules book has been published in 27 languages and has spun off editions covering online dating and marriage, but what really keeps its authors in the spotlight is the controversy that The Rules have created among women. Women who are proponents of The Rules believe that they give women control over their dating lives, while opponents believe that they encourage women to be deceitful as long as the end result is snagging a husband.
Many women agree with much of what is stated in The Rules when it comes to the early stages of relationships. They encourage women to not be too eager with a man, which includes calling him too often, being too available too often when he wants to make a date with her, and of course not sleeping together too soon. Even though this may seem like a bit of game playing, the early stages of dating are often like playing a game until the guy has proven that he is a decent guy who is genuinely interested in finding a partner and not just a guy out for a conquest.
The rules seem to annoy women a lot more when they venture into how to behave once the relationship becomes serious and they send some women into a frenzy of outrage when they start advising women on how to turn that relationship into a marriage proposal. Some of the basics during this stage of the rules are:
- A Woman should not see a man more than 3 times per week even if she is at the point where her feelings for him make her want to see him more often.
- If you’ve been dating for more than a year and haven’t received a proposal, see less of him and think about dating others. Which ties into the next rule which is possibly their biggest rule–
- Rules women do not date men for more than two years
So how is it that some women find these rules empowering, while women like Kelly at Notes from the Dating Trenches, find them offensive? One of Kelly’s big issue with the rules is that as she states “they are based on not communicating with actual words.” I agree that the act of being “deliberately unavailable” when a man is late calling you back rather than asking him where the heck he was is rather passive aggressive, yet I also think that many men often respond better to such actions rather than to words.
In defense of women like Kelly who feel offended by the rules, there are some statements from The Rules authors that do demean women. For example, one of their rules states that women should Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Now this may sound like a great idea, because every woman wants to stand out as an individual unlike any other. The problem is their recommendations for how to be such a creature, which they describe as: “…It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare)…”
I have to admit, this part crossed the line for me. I have a good friend who is somewhat of a “babbler,” which is part of what makes her endearing to those who love her. Does this turn off 95% of the men she meets? Yes, it certainly seems to, but let’s remember that marriage is a partnership of equals. I would say it is better for her to be herself and hold out for that guy who falls into the 5% of men that appreciate this quality, rather than change herself to attract that 95% who don’t like that quality. Marrying a man in that category will either mean that she will need to continue to pretend indefinitely, or that the man is in for a rude awakening when he discovers that she is not the “demure” woman that he thought she was.
So what about all those women who defend the rules. Well surprisingly, one blogger who defends them is Christan, no-nonsense blogger over at Moxie in the City, who I would have guessed would hate the rules because they do seem to imply that every woman’s ultimate goal is marriage. Christan’s defense of the rules stems from the simple fact that looking at the lives of her happily married friends leads her to conclude that the rules work. I have to agree with her on the fact that the happily married women that I know, including myself, were not the type of women to let the man take the entire lead in where the relationship was going.
So, back to the original question–Do The Rules empower or demean women? I think that much of it goes back to the role of women. If a woman is truly independent and has a professional and social life that extends beyond the man in her life, then these rules can be empowering. She shouldn’t let the man set the tone of the relationship to where he can see her all the time and date her for years without proposing IF her goal is marriage. On the other hand, if a woman is miserable during the days when she is not out with her man, then altering her behavior in order to “follow the rules” is of no benefit. The woman is not being true to herself, and if the relationship turns into marriage because she appeared to be more independent than she was, then this marriage is headed for disaster.
So, what do you think of the rules? Do they encourage women to assert themselves? Or do they encourage women to be manipulative? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: empowering women, find lasting love, finding a husband, relationship game playing, the rules of dating, why won't he marry me
Posted in find love, lasting love | 15 Comments »
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Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
