Not surprisingly, we get an enormous amount of love dilemmas that have to do with money. We get stories that cover every financial aspect of a relationship from spouses that have been married for years who have hidden debt from each other, to couples who aren’t sure that they’ll ever be in a good enough financial situation to get married. With so many people losing their jobs you would think that we would be seeing more money problems than ever on LuvemOrLeavem, but that hasn’t been the case.
This isn’t to say that couples aren’t having more fights about money than they would in better financial times, but the kind of money problems that make people question how viable their relationship is seem to be pretty steady. When I sort through the dilemmas that mention money, it makes sense that the number has held steady because the majority of them aren’t about money at all. To better explain what I mean, I’m going to list some of the most common money issues where money is merely an indication of a deeper relationship problem.
Money Reflecting Priorities- As someone who used to prepare taxes, I can tell you that the things that a person spends money on can tell you an awful lot about that person. A quick look at their expenditures can tell you about their hobbies and lifestyle. It can also tell you where their priorities lie, for example, do they give to charity, and if so which ones?
One of the first love dilemmas we received regarding money was from a woman who received a much smaller diamond engagement ring than she was expecting. When I read the dilemma title about her “tiny diamond” I thought it was going to contain the rantings of a woman who just wanted a big rock to show off and didn’t understand that the engagement was the important part. After reading the full story, I could understand her concern. Her fiance had received a large bonus at work and he replaced his 2 year old Mercedes convertible with a brand new one and then purchased her engagement ring with the little that was left over. Now we can debate all day long about whether or not he should have forgone the newer car to buy her a nicer ring, but I don’t think that we can deny that how he chose to spend his money shed some light on his priorities.
Trust and Money- One of the first love dilemmas we had on this topic came from a woman who was furious over her husband buying a “hot stock” which turned out to be a nearly 6 figure financial mistake. It wasn’t until she wanted to cash out some stock for a vacation that she discovered that the money that showed on the spreadsheet that her husband kept was nearly worthless and had been that way for almost a year. Now don’t get me wrong, she was not happy about this terrible investment decision, but she seemed willing to forget this huge investment mistake. What she focused on throughout her dilemma was how many times she had mentioned cashing out of some of this stock and how many opportunities he had to tell her the truth rather than continuing to hide his mistake.
Money and Work Ethic- Many of us know more than a few people who have lost their jobs these days. In the world of dating, the person with the job often picks up the tab for the person who has lost their job. Often, the person who still has a job is understanding and they don’t mind paying for more dates than they did when they both had jobs. Of course even when there isn’t a recession there are those individuals that never seem to have a job or at least never seem to have a cent to show for it.
The issue behind these love dilemmas is not a temporary loss of income, it’s the fear that this person may be a chronic freeloader. If the person that you are involved with has never held a job for more than a few months or they have been involved in a lengthy job search that looks suspiciously like drinking beer while watching your television, then you need to consider that there is a work ethic problem more than a money problem. If you’re not certain if this person is a freeloader or is just having terrible luck, it doesn’t usually take too long for this to be revealed. The first time this person asks you to help them pay rent, utilities, or any other personal expense of theirs, you’ll have your answer.
So, despite the many arguments and relationship problems that are tied to money, it does seem that the ones that are relationship deal breakers have more to do with issues that lie much deeper than mere cash. Our use of money and our attitude towards money reveals a lot about our nature. Yes, there are some money issues that are merely petty and superficial, but if a money issue is causing you serious doubts about your relationship I would urge you to look beneath the surface.
How about you? How does money affect your relationship? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
One theme that has been steadily appearing in LuvemOrLeavem love dilemmas is the age old question of when conservative spending moves from the “thrifty” category into the “cheap” category. With the economy hitting people hard, thrifty is no longer a bad word, and it’s become a valued characteristic in a future partner for many people who are realizing that overspending today can lead to going broke tomorrow. Of course in good or bad financial times there are those men that are always those people that are just plain cheap, or even those that are all take and fall into the freeloader category.
