Our quest to find that perfect match usually leads us through several relationships before we find “the one.” Hopefully with each relationship we learn something about relationships and about ourselves that we can bring forward into our next relationship. Of course our quest for the perfect match does not just involve learning and self discovery, it also involves having to handle the dreaded issue of how to break up.
How you break up with someone reflects something about your relationship as well as your personality. For most of us our goal is to make a clean break without a lot of drama, but this is not always the result. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when it comes to breaking up.
Venting- Breaking up by listing all the rotten things that the other person has done during your relationship is a sure fire way to end your relationship with an argument. It doesn’t matter whether you expressed your dissatisfaction with your partner during the relationship or whether you left these things “unsaid,” a break up is not the time to air these issues. If you didn’t express these things during the relationship, then put “communicate better” at the top of your list for things to do differently in your next relationship instead of mentioning them while calling it quits.
The Trip Down Memory Lane- Despite your desire to make the break up as cordial as possible, there is no need to go through a list of all the wonderful times you had together. Your focus is to move on, not to wallow in the past. The trip down memory lane just invites begging as the person you’re breaking up with is likely to point out that there can be many more good times if you will just give them another chance.
The Cliches- We all know the typical break up cliches “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t deserve someone like you.” I don’t know anyone who has ever found a break up to be less painful because someone used a tired old cliche. I do know several people that felt insulted that the person put so little thought into what they were going to say when they were breaking up that they sounded like they stepped out of a bad movie instead of speaking from the heart.
Tap Dancing Around- Some people try to imply that they are breaking up with someone rather than just coming out and saying it. It’s great to be nice, but your goal is to communicate that the relationship is over. When you aren’t direct, you may find that the other person has no idea what you are trying to tell them. If you leave the break up meeting and the other person doesn’t realize that you have broken up with them, then you can be sure that you were not direct enough.
Planning out what you are going to say ahead of time as well as planning how you will respond to a variety of possible reactions is generally a much better way to break up rather than just going in and winging it. Generally it is safer to say less rather than more so there is less chance of saying the wrong thing or sending a mixed message. If you focus on being considerate and clear with your words, then you should be able to avoid these relationship pitfalls.
Video Blog Series- How to Break Up
Click on the videos below to view the LuvemOrLeavem Advice Team’s best tips for breaking up:
