At LuvemOrLeavem we mostly receive stories about marriages that are on the rocks, but we also receive stories about marriages that have survived all type of crisis that readers hope will inspire those couples that are still in the midst of such struggles. One common thread in many of these stories is that people credit their religious faith for helping their marriage survive. Now of course religion is not a guarantee that a marriage will survive and even members of the clergy have marriages that fail, but the high number of couples married for more than a decade that included religion as part of their formula for success prompted me to take a closer look at marriage and religion. Based on stories from couples that classify themselves as happily married for at least ten years, I have compiled a list of the most common ways that these couples feel that religion has been a benefit to their marriage.
Bigger Than Themselves- One of the most common references that I heard from couples who had undergone many hardships in their marriage was that they knew that they would get through these times because their marriage was not just about the two of them. Now of course we all know that the bonds of marriage stretch beyond the couple to include their children as well as the family members of both the husband and wife, but these couples also felt strongly that their marriages were blessed by and would be guided by a higher power. To have faith that their marriage would be guided by God was a comfort to many of the people who shared their stories with me.
The bad times didn’t seem to be as troubling to them because they felt that they had the help of the almighty to pull them through in addition to their own efforts. This was especially important to the individuals who hit points in their marriage where they felt that they were more committed to making their marriage work than their spouse was. Believing that there was a higher power helping them didn’t make these individuals feel that sense of loneliness that we would expect when someone wants to save a marriage to a spouse that does not seem nearly as committed to working things out.
Fear of Consequences- One big reason that many of these couples sited for upholding their marriage vows when they felt very tempted to do otherwise was plain old fear of sinning and the consequences that would follow. Now it’s great to believe that we all have a moral compass that is so strong that we will always choose right over wrong, but a fear of consequences is definitely an added deterrent for those times when that moral compass is not functioning at full power. For many people the notion of consequences is strictly related to whether or not their spouse will find out about their behavior. For those whose faith is based in an all-knowing God, there is never a chance to have your actions go unobserved or to avoid the consequences of those actions.
Shared Faith, Shared Goals- Many of the couples that shared their stories explained their faith in an almost practical way. They felt that their religious similarities were the root of many other things that they had in common, most importantly their shared goals. As one woman so simply put it “It’s easy to find a man who shares your wants, but hard to find one who shares your values. Our faith steers us in the same direction for our long term goals.”
Despite the stories of the importance of religion in marriage that so many couples have shared with me, there is no hard evidence that I have found showing that having religion as a central part of their lives gives a couple any greater chance of having a successful marriage than couples that are not religious. Of course statistics cannot tell the whole story and the couples who shared their stories with me felt very strongly that religion played a key role in the success of their marriage. I also notice in my personal life that around 90% of the happily married couples that I know would describe themselves as religious. Yes, I know couples that are not religious that have strong marriages, and I know that religion provides no guarantees of marital success, but a strong shared faith does seem to at least increase the odds of a marriage lasting.
What do you think? Does religion strengthen a marriage? Does it play a role in your marriage or those of couples you know? Please share you thoughts in the comments section.
