Over the past year I’ve written quite a bit about divorce parties, but despite all my research I learned the most from the women who sent me their divorce party stories and videos when we were holding our divorce party video contest back in December.  Initially, I couldn’t help but ask myself “why would anyone want to throw a party once their divorce is final?”  It just seemed strange to me.  When a friend tells me that she’s getting divorced I expect to provide help in the form of a shoulder to cry on, not in the form of helping to create a guest list and menu.

As I read the emails and stories from women who had held divorce parties or were in the process of planning them, I got a much better understanding of why they wanted to hold these parties.  As I went through their stories and videos, I quickly discovered that just as divorces can be amicable, ugly, or somewhere in between, divorce parties also fall into similar categories.  Here are the typical scenarios for divorce parties that were shared with me.

The Hooray It’s Over Party- The wildest divorce party stories and videos that I received fell into this category.  These parties were a true celebration of the marriage being over and the divorce being final.  I received videos of wedding dresses being set ablaze and women cutting phallus shaped cakes into very tiny pieces.  It’s no great surprise that these parties stemmed from ugly divorces.

At first, I thought that this type of party was offensive because it so openly celebrated the divorce.  After reading a story about an ex husband who fought to get the wedding china only to send it back to his ex wife smashed into pieces, I could understand her gleefully stuffing her no-longer-needed marriage license down the garbage disposal.  The women who threw these parties still had a lot of anger about their divorce, and several expressed that being able to have a night of ranting about their ex was cathartic.

The Sisterhood Party- By far these were the most common types of divorce parties that women told me about.  The focus of these parties was to let the newly divorced woman know that she is not alone.  There was still the occasional destruction of the marriage certificate or burial of the wedding ring, but these seemed to be gestures of providing closure and moving forward rather than being angry.

It’s important for women to know that they have a support system after a divorce.  The activities at these parties involved things like party games that focused on what the newly divorced woman could do now that her ex was out of the picture.  At first I thought that was being awfully critical of their married life, but when I received stories from women who were worried about spending every other weekend without their kids, I began to appreciate how much these women needed to focus on divorce providing a new beginning rather than just being the end of a huge part of their lives.

The Solidarity Party- These were the least common party types that women shared with me.  I’m sure this is because a truly amicable divorce is very rare.  In these parties, the ex-husband and some of his family and friends also attended.  The purpose here was to show everyone that they were going to remain on friendly terms and that friends and family didn’t need to choose whether they were going to ally themselves with him or with her.

All of these parties were thrown by couples who had children, and this seemed to be the driving force behind wanting to have this show of solidarity.  They wanted their kids to feel that they were loved by both parents even though mom and dad were no longer living together.  One couple even wrote “divorce vows” where they promised that they would not speak badly about their ex or make major parenting decisions without consulting their ex.

After having so much information about divorce parties shared with me, I no longer ask myself why anyone would do this.  I prefer to hear about the parties that are amicable or supportive, but I no longer think any less of the women that throw a divorce party that is a celebration.  As long as women find these parties helpful for moving forward after divorce I can’t fault them for the type of party that their particular type of divorce has inspired them to throw.