LuvemOrLeavem Relationships – Love Relationship Advice

Can Your Relationship Survive His Children?

July 7th, 2010

As I’ve been preparing to write about the relationship concerns of stepmothers and those contemplating if they should become stepmothers, it was hard to come up with a title that captured the main concern of these women. I decided to focus on whether or not the relationship could survive his children, because this seems to be at the heart of the doubts that these women share with us on LuvemOrLeavem. I felt bad referring to step children and future step children as “his children” because we like to view these children as “their children” once the woman becomes their stepmother.

The situation is nowhere near that simple though, since in most cases the natural mother plays the main role or a major role in the lives of these children. I found that many stepmothers did indeed refer to their step children as “his children” despite the large role that many of them play in raising their stepchildren. These women do not refer to their partner’s children as “his children” because they in any way resemble the “wicked stepmothers” of fairy tales fame. Instead, they refer to the children this way because experience has shown them that their role is filled with parenting responsibilities but is lacking the full authority that both natural parents have.

So just what are the problems that women grapple with when deciding whether or not their relationship can survive being a stepmother to his children? Here are the top issues these women have posted on LuvemOrLeavem:

Disney Dad- The Disney Dad is the dad who just wants to deal with the “fun part” of parenting. These are often the men who get a limited amount of time with their children. When they do get time with them, they often have no desire to be a disciplinarian. As much as these dads may want to focus on having fun with their kids, there is no such thing as a hiatus from enforcing the rules.

What is especially bad for the women involved with these dads is that while dad is having fun with the kids, the women are often the target of these badly behaved kids. Everything from disrespectful behavior to a total lack of appreciation is often dealt with by the stepmothers. If the woman has children of her own, the situation can quickly be out of control as she fears that her children will pick up these bad behaviors or may merely question why the house rules that apply to them don’t apply to the step children.

Infringing Ex- When a man’s ex-wife is still part of his life, it is always stressful for the new wife to understand where she fits into his life. When that ex-wife is the mother of his children, the amount of interaction with the ex-wife is much more frequent and has the potential to create a steady stream of awkward situations. If there are disputes about shared custody or visitation schedules, the stepmother often finds herself right in the middle of constant disputes that are supposedly only disputes between both parents.

No Bonding- One of the most common situations that we hear about is from women who just can’t bond with their stepchildren. Most women enter these marriages assuming that stepchildren that don’t like them will warm up to them over time. Sometimes this happens, but like everything that has to do with parenting, there are no guarantees.

The women who never bond with their stepchildren or who don’t bond to the degree that view as “healthy” often feel bad about themselves and their marriage. It can put a lot of stress on a marriage when a woman feels this way. Sometimes the children are still healing from the parents’ divorce, and sometimes they just can’t seem to share their father’s time and love with his new wife. The balance for the stepmother is really trying to improve the aspects that can be improved, while learning to accept the parts of the relationship that they have no control over.

So there are the most common scenarios that are submitted to us by stepmothers and women who are thinking of becoming stepmothers. If these situations sound familiar to you, you can find a place devoted to the ups and downs of being a stepmother at StepsForStepMothers.com. The site is run by therapist, author and stepmother, Dr. Rachelle Katz. In her new book, The Happy Stepmother, Dr. Katz outlines 10 steps that women can use to take action in improving their quality of life as a stepmother rather than feeling helpless. This is especially important for stepmothers and stepmothers to be, because a sense of helplessness is every bit as prominent as a sense of doubt in the stories that we receive from these women.

What do you think? What special challenges do you think that stepmothers face? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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Types of Women to Run From

June 30th, 2010

Last week’s post was about the types of men that women should run from, so now it is time to publish our list of women that should send men running in the opposite direction. Our Advice Panel vloggers also covered the topic of the types of women that men should avoid, and while the types are similar for both sexes, I’m going to point out the male/female differences for each of the similar types. Hopefully this will make these “women not to date” a little easier to spot. Here is our top 3 list:

The Gold Digger- This is the women who sees the man she is dating as a blank check. She is similar to the male “freeloader,” but the freeloader is often easier to spot because he is usually looking for a women who works so that he doesn’t have to work. The Gold Digger will usually have a job, but she has expensive taste that exceeds her means and she evaluates her man by what he can buy her. The poor guys who date these women find that once the Gold Digger drains his wallet she has lost all interest in him and is ready to find a new man to finance her expensive habits. If a women asks you for expensive gifts or only wants to go to very expensive restaurants and orders the most expensive items, then run, you have just met the Gold Digger.

Wants to Change You- This one was mentioned by nearly every man who responded to this question on Twitter. Now quite a few men felt strongly that all women want to change at least one thing about their man, and I much as I’d like to say that they’re wrong, I can’t quite say it with a straight face. The women in this category are different than the woman who simply hopes to get her man to dress a little better or hopes he’ll learn to appreciate the subtle humor that is found in a romantic comedy.

The women in this category are the ones who either want to change something major about a man or they have a laundry list of “small changes” that they would like to see you make. In either case, it will be much simpler if the woman who wishes to see all these changes will just find a different man. Let’s face it, if you make all of the changes she wants, you will not recognize yourself any more. Interestingly, this was the only item that appeared consistently in the lists from men about women and not once in the lists that women had about men. Mark Twain once said that women marry a man hoping to change him, while men marry a woman hoping that she will never change, so I guess this great writer knew what he was talking about.

Can’t Give You Space- In some ways, this women resembles the male stalker, but unlike the stalker, most men felt that these women acted out of insecurity rather than a need to be controlling. These women are not likely to stop you from going somewhere without them, but you are likely be pressed with inquisition style questions about why she can’t join you before you finally make it out the door. You may think that you’ve achieved freedom once you get out on your own, but it is not that simple. Be prepared for your phone to start ringing as soon as you leave, and when you do get home, get ready for the guilt trip.

The problem with these women is self esteem. They take it personally when you want to spend time without them and they view it as a threat to your relationship when you are apart. Many men fall into the trap of thinking that at some point these women will naturally adjust to his need to have some space as the relationship continues. Unfortunately, the fact that the relationship has continued is not reassuring to women with this level of insecurity. Over time she is much more likely to put more effort into restricting his time without her rather than reducing these efforts. If you enjoy your space and this type of women sounds like the woman that you are dating, then it is time to walk (or run) away.

So there is our top 3 list of types of women to run from based on feedback from all our wonderful male Twitter followers. We know that there are many more types, but these do seem to cover the complaints that we hear most often. If you find yourself dating one of these women, then consider yourself warned.

What do you think? Do you know women like the ones we’ve listed here? Do you have more types to add? Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

Related Post: Types of Men to Run From

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Types of Men to Run From

June 23rd, 2010

One of our recent topics for our Advice Panel Video Series was types of men to run from. Our group understood that it is inevitable that you will find some things that you don’t like about the man your dating, and over time you need to decide if the good outweighs the bad. Despite people being made up of both good and bad qualities, we all felt that there are certain bad qualities that can’t be made up for by any amount of good qualities. Here are our top picks for the types of men that women should run once these qualities are identified, rather than sticking around to see if there might be a silver lining to this relationship.

The Secretive Guy- No one expects a person to pour out their entire past early in a relationship, but it should also be a big red flag if a person can’t give you straight-forward answers to simple questions. We’ve received stories from women who have dated men for years and still don’t know what he does for a living or have never been to his home. If a guy won’t give you a straightforward answer about where he lives or where he works, then whatever he is hiding from you is something that would make you want to leave the relationship if you knew about it.

The Freeloader- Lots of people are down on their luck and have lost jobs over the past few years, but the freeloader is a whole different breed. In good times and bad times, this guy doesn’t have a job, and he often has a very complex reason for why it is that he can’t find a job. His story is so good, because it has been well rehearsed through years of practice. If he has never held a job for any length of time and his job search is being conducted while he’s on your couch eating your food, it’s time to send him packing.

The Negative Guy- We’re not talking about a guy who is merely having a bad day, we’re talking about the type of guy who is having a perpetually bad day. There are some men who just don’t have a positive word to say about anyone or anything, and over time this starts to wear on everyone that is close to them. As much as you may hope that this is a phase, if you have never seen the guy that you are dating in a happy, cheerful mood, then it is time to move on before you start to be as negative as he is.

Talks About His Ex- No one should spend any length of time talking about an ex when they are out on a date. Whether he has good things to say about his ex or bad things, this guy is trouble. It also doesn’t matter whether the break up is recent or happened years ago for the woman dating this type of guy. If it is a recent breakup, then he may get over her in time, but there is no point waiting it out. Walk away and if he calls you in a few months when he is truly over his ex, then you can always decide at that point if you want to give him another chance or not.

The Stalker- It can be romantic when the guy you’re dating shows up unexpectedly to surprise you. Of course if he regularly shows up unexpectedly to check up on you, or because he doesn’t want you going anywhere without him, then he has ventured into stalker territory. Once he’s entered the stalker zone, odds are that his behavior will become progressively more controlling. Walk away from these guys before it reaches the point where you start to fear them.

The Narcissist- Most people like to talk about themselves, but if your conversations are like an infomercial about how great he is, then you are probably dating a narcissist. If you can’t get a word in edge wise and you never get a chance to talk about topics that you want to discuss, then it’s time to go. People are usually on their best behavior early in the dating process, so if he is already dismissing what you want to say, then this isn’t going to change.

So, there are our top picks for the types of men to run from. If a guy falls into one of these categories, don’t be tempted to get to know him better. Relationships with these types of men are destined to be on a downward spiral. To be fair to the guys, our next topic will be “types of women to run from,” and I know that there are plenty of those too!

What do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments section about the types of men that you think women should run from. (or let us know the types of women men should run from if you’d like to contribute to next week’s topic)

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Renaming Early Divorce as a Starter Marriage

June 16th, 2010

Last week’s post about divorce after 40 years of marriage had me digging through all types of data regarding modern day divorce. The trend that most caught my attention was at the low end of the marriage time line. I knew the number of divorces in this group was high, but what I didn’t expect were many of the attitudes emerging from this group. One popular theme among authors who write about early divorces has been to refer to these short marriages as “starter marriages” or “learner marriages.” The majority of authors on the subject define “starter marriages” as ones that meet the following criteria:

1. First marriage for both the husband and wife
2. Lasts less than 5 years
3. There are no children
4. The couple is divorced by approximately age 30

The authors that use the term “starter marriage” describe these marriages more as a rite of passage than a mistake. They also advocate the idea that they are now better prepared for a lifetime of marriage after having completed this “starter phase.” I take issue with both of these notions, because I think they cheapen what marriage is meant to be, as well as glossing over of the pain that usually accompanies divorce.

I know people who have gone through difficult divorces, and others who have gone through amicable divorces. Of all the divorced women that I know, I have never met any who would describe their divorce experience as “overwhelmingly fantastic” like the author of one of the many starter marriage books. She glibly describes a “starter marriage” as if it were just a step along the path to a lasting marriage in much the same way that a “starter home” is a step towards buying a home that you want to live in for a lifetime. Here are some of that main aspects that I take issue with when it comes to all the writings that tout the benefits of these short marriages:

Attitudes Affect Outcomes- It is not enough to make a marriage last a lifetime just by heading into it with a positive attitude, but I do think that heading into a marriage with the notion that it may not last is a guarantee that it will not last. It’s one thing to be coming out of a divorce and viewing divorce as something that doesn’t have to destroy your life. The situation is totally different when you are entering into a marriage and already thinking that a divorce down the line does not have to destroy your life.

How About Learning By Dating- One of the main arguments in articles that discuss the “benefits” of starter marriages is the notion that these people were not ready to be married in the first place. The authors then go on to discuss how much better it is that the couple divorced rather than staying in a marriage that they were not ready to enter. I agree that people need to be mature enough to be married and that they should never succumb to the pressure of getting married before they are ready. To me this just makes a good case for waiting to get married until you are ready, it doesn’t make a case for jumping into a marriage that you aren’t ready for.

Marriage Lessons Are Not Learned Quickly- No matter how well you know your spouse and feel that you have this whole marriage thing down pat, there will be times when you feel that all the rules have been changed. It may be the birth of a child, a layoff, or an illness, but at some point in your marriage you will realize that your relationship has changed and that the way you are dealing with your spouse needs to change as well in order for your marriage to survive. The majority of the people writing about these starter marriages had marriages that lasted in the 2 to 3 year range. I’m not dismissing what you can learn about yourself and about life in that time frame, but there are limits. I think that these people are fooling themselves if they honestly believe that they are fully prepared to make their next marriage last a lifetime merely because they were briefly married.

So no, I don’t buy into this concept of calling early divorces “starter marriages” and making a case that they can be positive for society by providing some type of marital training ground that will be beneficial later in life. I do agree with the notion that a couple should not consider having children if they have doubts about a marriage lasting, but I would take it a step further and argue that a couple should not get married in the first place if they have so many doubts about a marriage lasting. Of all of the many “lessons” that these authors claim to have learned during these “starter marriages” I didn’t read one that wouldn’t have been better learned by just waiting to get married. Yes, we learn by making mistakes, but this doesn’t mean that we should jump head first into what is likely to be a mistake in the hopes that this will speed along the learning process.