LuvemOrLeavem Relationships – Love Relationship Advice

Is Most Marriage Counseling Misguided?

July 21st, 2010

As we receive more and more stories from couples who have gone to marriage counseling, one of the things that strikes me most is how many of these couples still end up getting divorced. I understand that it is couples who feel that their marriage is in serious trouble who are seek counseling in the first place, but honestly I cannot name a single couple that I know who was able to save their marriage through counseling. That isn’t to say that I don’t know couples who have saved their marriages, I just don’t know any who have achieved this through counseling.

I decided to do some digging to see if counseling really tends to help marriages or not. I found a study from the University of Chicago which surveyed couples who claim to have turned around previously unhappy marriages. In this study, 1/3 of the couples interviewed had sought counseling, and the majority of these couples did not feel that counseling made any significant contribution to saving their marriage. We’ve had much the same input on LuvemOrLeavem with couples either feeling that counseling was of no value to them and sometimes made things worse. Here are some of the main complaints that we’ve heard about marriage counseling:

Climate Setting- Very often, one person suggests that counseling be sought, and the other simply goes along with this request. Many of the spouses who went to counseling at the request of their spouse felt very strongly that the decision to end the marriage had already been made. They expressed the feeling that their spouse wanted to set the tone for how unhappy they were by asking that they attend counseling rather than flat out asking for a divorce. I can understand how this can happen, but I think that it’s unfair to mislead someone into thinking that counseling is an attempt to save the marriage if the true purpose is to help the spouse understand that the marriage is over.

Counselors Who Are Divorced- I’m not prepared to say that a counselor who has been divorced cannot properly counsel a couple, but I can understand why a person would be leery of the high number of marriage counselors that do seem to be divorced. We received one letter from a woman who was outraged to discover that the counselor who was supposed to be working to help her save her marriage had been previously been married three times. Yes, I understand that they went to school for this and are credentialed, but this scenario still feels very similar to going to an orthodontist with horribly crooked teeth.

Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?- I am always surprised at the number of women who tell us how great their “marriage counselor” as they then go on to explain how much their counselor helped them cope after their divorce. While I’m glad that counseling helped them, I can’t help but wonder why their expertise was more in the area of divorce than the area of marriage.

All Talk and No Action- One of the biggest complaints that couples shared with us is that they felt that their weekly sessions were more about sharing their problems rather than solving these problems. Sometimes it feels great to get things out, but sharing what you feel is wrong about your spouse and your marriage can just lead to bad feelings if you don’t get beyond the “airing out” stage. Several of these couples had been in counseling for over a year and felt that there was no end in sight for when the would done with counseling.

So while I do feel strongly that unhappy marriages can be saved, I still don’t feel convinced that counseling plays a significant role in saving most marriages. The stories that we’ve received and the study that I mentioned seem to show that I am not alone in questioning just how helpful counseling is when it comes to saving marriages. It is impossible to say whether the counseling itself is flawed or whether many of the couples seek counseling do so after being unhappy for such a long time that it that much harder to save the marriage. One thing that is certain is that if you do start to feel that your marriage may benefit from counseling, it is best to seek help early and to choose your counselor very carefully.

What do you think? Do you believe that marriage counseling can save a marriage? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

| 7 Comments »

Should You Live Together?

July 14th, 2010

Once a couple has been dating for somewhere around a year, it is typical that the woman’s friends and family start asking her about the future of this relationship. In the past, taking a relationship “to the next level” meant getting married, but for the past few decades many couples decide that the next step will be living together instead of marriage. For the most part, living together is not looked down on like it was in the past, which makes it easier for a women to accept a man’s offer to live together.

In general, there are 3 main types of couples that live together. To determine whether or not living together is something that is right for you, you need to decide which category you fall into and take a good look at what being in that situation means for you and the future of your relationship. Since people change and grow, it is certainly possible that you may start out in one category and move into a different category over time. The important thing to remember is that if living together doesn’t feel right to you, then this is not an option that you should consider no matter how much you love your partner.

Although there are many subcategories, here are the broad categories for couples who live together:

Both Partners Want to Live Together- Some people move in together and have no intention of getting married, while others are open to the notion of marriage “down the line” but they don’t want this commitment at the moment. Other couples are totally unsure what they want in the future, but they are at the point where they spend so much time with each other that maintaining two separate residences doesn’t make sense financially or logistically. In any of these situations, if both partners are equally comfortable with the idea of living together, then they may very well be one of those couples that can happily live together for years and years. The key is that this situation is what they both want and it is not a compromise for either partner.

On the Road to Marriage- This is a couple that plans on living together for a set amount of time until they get married. They may have school to finish, or they may have decided that there is no point in renewing an expiring lease when they are so close to being wed. These couples are often engaged and planning the wedding, but some couples are not quite this far along. This couple is different from the “some day we’ll get married couple” because they have a firm plan in place and a time frame for when they will get married. Of course if those plans change or that set wedding date gets moved out, this couple can easily fall into one of the other categories.

The Compromise Couple- This is the couple where one partner is ready for marriage now, and the other partner either never wants to be married or wants to get married “eventually.” It is this category that often has women posting stories of heartbreak on LuvemOrLeavem, and it is a situation that I always warn women against. If a woman is at the point where she is ready for marriage and her man will not propose, then living together is not going to convince this man to marry her.

In these situations, living together just prolongs the cycle of the couple being at two different stages in their lives, for two reasons. 1) He feels that he is meeting her need to take the relationship to the next level by moving in together. 2) She feels that they are a step closer to getting married now that they are living together. In reality, they are both still in the same two vastly different places regarding marriage and commitment. The only thing that has changed is that they are now living under the same roof despite wanting such different outcomes from this relationship.

So the real answer to whether or not you should live together is determined by what you truly want out of your relationship. If your goal is marriage, then you should not live together unless you are so far along the wedding path (ie. the invitations have been sent and the caterer is booked) that living together will not change anything. If you do find that the compromise couple best defines your relationship either because you started out this way or because you are no longer happy just living together, then the best thing to do is move out. Being at two different places in your lives regarding marriage cannot be changed by living together no matter how much love and energy you put into trying to make this happen.

What do you think about living together? When can it work and when should it be avoided? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

| 6 Comments »

Can Your Relationship Survive His Children?

July 7th, 2010

As I’ve been preparing to write about the relationship concerns of stepmothers and those contemplating if they should become stepmothers, it was hard to come up with a title that captured the main concern of these women. I decided to focus on whether or not the relationship could survive his children, because this seems to be at the heart of the doubts that these women share with us on LuvemOrLeavem. I felt bad referring to step children and future step children as “his children” because we like to view these children as “their children” once the woman becomes their stepmother.

The situation is nowhere near that simple though, since in most cases the natural mother plays the main role or a major role in the lives of these children. I found that many stepmothers did indeed refer to their step children as “his children” despite the large role that many of them play in raising their stepchildren. These women do not refer to their partner’s children as “his children” because they in any way resemble the “wicked stepmothers” of fairy tales fame. Instead, they refer to the children this way because experience has shown them that their role is filled with parenting responsibilities but is lacking the full authority that both natural parents have.

So just what are the problems that women grapple with when deciding whether or not their relationship can survive being a stepmother to his children? Here are the top issues these women have posted on LuvemOrLeavem:

Disney Dad- The Disney Dad is the dad who just wants to deal with the “fun part” of parenting. These are often the men who get a limited amount of time with their children. When they do get time with them, they often have no desire to be a disciplinarian. As much as these dads may want to focus on having fun with their kids, there is no such thing as a hiatus from enforcing the rules.

What is especially bad for the women involved with these dads is that while dad is having fun with the kids, the women are often the target of these badly behaved kids. Everything from disrespectful behavior to a total lack of appreciation is often dealt with by the stepmothers. If the woman has children of her own, the situation can quickly be out of control as she fears that her children will pick up these bad behaviors or may merely question why the house rules that apply to them don’t apply to the step children.

Infringing Ex- When a man’s ex-wife is still part of his life, it is always stressful for the new wife to understand where she fits into his life. When that ex-wife is the mother of his children, the amount of interaction with the ex-wife is much more frequent and has the potential to create a steady stream of awkward situations. If there are disputes about shared custody or visitation schedules, the stepmother often finds herself right in the middle of constant disputes that are supposedly only disputes between both parents.

No Bonding- One of the most common situations that we hear about is from women who just can’t bond with their stepchildren. Most women enter these marriages assuming that stepchildren that don’t like them will warm up to them over time. Sometimes this happens, but like everything that has to do with parenting, there are no guarantees.

The women who never bond with their stepchildren or who don’t bond to the degree that view as “healthy” often feel bad about themselves and their marriage. It can put a lot of stress on a marriage when a woman feels this way. Sometimes the children are still healing from the parents’ divorce, and sometimes they just can’t seem to share their father’s time and love with his new wife. The balance for the stepmother is really trying to improve the aspects that can be improved, while learning to accept the parts of the relationship that they have no control over.

So there are the most common scenarios that are submitted to us by stepmothers and women who are thinking of becoming stepmothers. If these situations sound familiar to you, you can find a place devoted to the ups and downs of being a stepmother at StepsForStepMothers.com. The site is run by therapist, author and stepmother, Dr. Rachelle Katz. In her new book, The Happy Stepmother, Dr. Katz outlines 10 steps that women can use to take action in improving their quality of life as a stepmother rather than feeling helpless. This is especially important for stepmothers and stepmothers to be, because a sense of helplessness is every bit as prominent as a sense of doubt in the stories that we receive from these women.

What do you think? What special challenges do you think that stepmothers face? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Related Post
Romance Happiness and Children

| 6 Comments »

Types of Women to Run From

June 30th, 2010

Last week’s post was about the types of men that women should run from, so now it is time to publish our list of women that should send men running in the opposite direction. Our Advice Panel vloggers also covered the topic of the types of women that men should avoid, and while the types are similar for both sexes, I’m going to point out the male/female differences for each of the similar types. Hopefully this will make these “women not to date” a little easier to spot. Here is our top 3 list:

The Gold Digger- This is the women who sees the man she is dating as a blank check. She is similar to the male “freeloader,” but the freeloader is often easier to spot because he is usually looking for a women who works so that he doesn’t have to work. The Gold Digger will usually have a job, but she has expensive taste that exceeds her means and she evaluates her man by what he can buy her. The poor guys who date these women find that once the Gold Digger drains his wallet she has lost all interest in him and is ready to find a new man to finance her expensive habits. If a women asks you for expensive gifts or only wants to go to very expensive restaurants and orders the most expensive items, then run, you have just met the Gold Digger.

Wants to Change You- This one was mentioned by nearly every man who responded to this question on Twitter. Now quite a few men felt strongly that all women want to change at least one thing about their man, and I much as I’d like to say that they’re wrong, I can’t quite say it with a straight face. The women in this category are different than the woman who simply hopes to get her man to dress a little better or hopes he’ll learn to appreciate the subtle humor that is found in a romantic comedy.

The women in this category are the ones who either want to change something major about a man or they have a laundry list of “small changes” that they would like to see you make. In either case, it will be much simpler if the woman who wishes to see all these changes will just find a different man. Let’s face it, if you make all of the changes she wants, you will not recognize yourself any more. Interestingly, this was the only item that appeared consistently in the lists from men about women and not once in the lists that women had about men. Mark Twain once said that women marry a man hoping to change him, while men marry a woman hoping that she will never change, so I guess this great writer knew what he was talking about.

Can’t Give You Space- In some ways, this women resembles the male stalker, but unlike the stalker, most men felt that these women acted out of insecurity rather than a need to be controlling. These women are not likely to stop you from going somewhere without them, but you are likely be pressed with inquisition style questions about why she can’t join you before you finally make it out the door. You may think that you’ve achieved freedom once you get out on your own, but it is not that simple. Be prepared for your phone to start ringing as soon as you leave, and when you do get home, get ready for the guilt trip.

The problem with these women is self esteem. They take it personally when you want to spend time without them and they view it as a threat to your relationship when you are apart. Many men fall into the trap of thinking that at some point these women will naturally adjust to his need to have some space as the relationship continues. Unfortunately, the fact that the relationship has continued is not reassuring to women with this level of insecurity. Over time she is much more likely to put more effort into restricting his time without her rather than reducing these efforts. If you enjoy your space and this type of women sounds like the woman that you are dating, then it is time to walk (or run) away.

So there is our top 3 list of types of women to run from based on feedback from all our wonderful male Twitter followers. We know that there are many more types, but these do seem to cover the complaints that we hear most often. If you find yourself dating one of these women, then consider yourself warned.

What do you think? Do you know women like the ones we’ve listed here? Do you have more types to add? Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

Related Post: Types of Men to Run From

| 9 Comments »