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Relationship Blog by Advice Maven

Creating Love in the Kitchen

February 12th, 2010

A while back on LuvemOrLeavem we had a debate over relationship cliches, and the one that caused the most uproar was “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”  Things started to get ugly as men posted about how it important it was to them that their future wife was a good cook.  Some women thought these men were living in the past and were stuck on an outdated notion that “a woman’s place is in the kitchen.”

Luckily, we had some brave men who confessed that they felt most loved by their wives when they took the time to prepare a nice meal for them and that changed the tone of the discussion.  Now it turns out that most women did the cooking in their relationships, and it was more the expectation that women should be able to cook more than the actual cooking that riled up these women.  This brings me to today’s interview with Nadia G from The Bitchin’ Kitchen web tv show.  Nadia is the embodiment of the attitude that our women expressed about cooking.  They didn’t mind it as long as their efforts were met with love and appreciation rather than a pile of shirts to iron once the dinner dishes were cleaned and put away.  So here is what the Nadia G had to say when we spoke to her about love and cooking:

LuvemOrLeavem: We’ve had huge debates about love and food,  how important is it that a woman can cook?

Nadia: As an Italian I’m convinced that they way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Honestly, I think the ability to whip up a great meal is a definite asset. See, humans aren’t super complex creatures: a good meal can get you what ever you want. A great meal guarantees it.

Luvem: How can a woman make sure that cooking a special meal for her guy isn’t a green light for him to expect elaborate meals every day?

Nadia: I’ve always enjoyed spoiling my past boyfriends with a coupla stellar meals here and there, but they’ve never expected it on a daily basis. If your man expects an extravagant meal every day, and has the audacity to badger you about it, always remember that there are other uses for a wooden spoon.

Luvem: What about those women who can’t cook?  Any tips on getting started?

Nadia: Being able to cook for yourself is so important, especially with all the crappy food that’s out there: additives, hormones, whopping amounts of sodium, saturated fats and sugar… Cooking is easy, all one has to do pick-up a cookbook and be willing to get their hands dirty, no need to be intimidated by food. So what if you mess up?  But if she really has no interest in rocking her kitchen, then I say try to buy organic prepped food as much as possible. At least you know the meals don’t contain any nasty surprises.

Luvem: For those take-out women, should they be honest or try to pass off this food as their own?

Nadia: I say: be honest. Lying takes too much energy, and at the end of the day, people don’t really care where the food comes from as long as it’s tasty.

Luvem: What about men in the kitchen?  How do you get him to do something beyond using the microwave?

Nadia: I hear you, it ain’t easy to get someone to start cooking… I’d say go Pavolvian on his butt. Good meal, he gets a treat… No meal, no treat. Nothing like “positive” reinforcement, mwahahahaha!

Valentine’s Day Cooking- Since many of our readers have told us that tight budgets will have them cooking on Valentine’s Day, here are Nadia’s top suggestions:

Top suggestion for women to make: Men like meat, so I’d suggest she make him the Filet Mignon with Coco-Chili Sauce for Valentine’s Day

Top suggestion for men to make: Women LOVE chocolate so I suggest he make her some dessert, maybe a Chocolate Fondue with salty pretzels.

Luvem: Should your Vday meal vary based on the stage of your relationship?  For example, 1) newly dating 2) dating for a while 3) where the heck is my ring?

Nadia: 1) If you’re dating someone new, this is the time to bamboozle them. I’d say go all out with a 3 course V-Day dinner of Panko Shrimp & Strawberries, Filet Mignon with a maple Balsamic Reduction, and Spicy Dark Chocolate Soufflés for dessert…

2) If you’ve been dating for a while, there’s nothing like snuggling up to some comfort food: elevate a shepherd’s pie with ground organic sirloin, fresh grilled corn, and mix of sweet n’ russet potato mash. Top with smoked paprika, amp up some ketchup with hot sauce, and man, you’ve got yourself a party.

3) Where the heck is my ring? LOL. If you can’t get him to buy the ring, you may as well get him to buy you dinner. Head to a 5-star resto and shkoff on his tab.

Luvem: What is your opinion of famous women in the kitchen (Julia Child, Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray)?  Are they role models for women or old fashioned stereo types?

Nadia: Julia Child and Martha Stewart are pioneers, they built empires on what was once considered mere “women’s work”, and you gotta give them props for that. I respect Rachael Ray, although she’s a bit too saccharine for my taste: Cooking up nachos for your husband’s Super Bowl party? Yea OK. In my book, I’d ship him off to a sports bar and have my girlfriends over for a make-your-own-spring roll/ gossip party. She’s got her thing, I’ve got mine.

Luvem: It sounds like you have recipes for every time in a relationship including breaking up and making up.  What is your favorite relationship themed recipe?

Nadia: My uncle Pasqua used to say: There’s a meal for every occasion and an occasion for every meal…” No one was ever more right (or sweaty.) Its hard for me to single out a meal/ theme… But if I really have to: I’d go with the Break Up Meal. It’s good to leave ‘em with a good taste in their mouth, remember you once cared for them, but more importantly: they know your secrets and probably got ‘em on tape…

As you can probably tell from her answers, Nadia has a non-intimidating and fun approach to cooking.  Her recipes are delicious, but not too complicated and her show is filled with humor.  After all where else can you find a cooking show that exclaims that its low fat meal has “less fat than Nicole Richie in a sauna?”  So go visit Nadia over at the Bitchin’ Kitchen.

How about you? Do you like to cook for that special someone or are you just fine with take out?  Better yet, do you have a special someone who cooks for you?  Please share your thoughts in our comments section.

Love and Valentine’s Day

February 9th, 2010

As a hopeless romantic, you probably expect that I love the celebration of Valentine’s Day, but it’s not a holiday that I spend much time celebrating.  Don’t get me wrong, the notion of having a whole day devoted to celebrating love is a great idea, but I definitely feel like the holiday has been hijacked by companies who make lots of money during Valentine’s Day.  Here are some of my biggest problems with the big commercial enterprise that Valentine’s Day has turned into.

Valentine’s Day gifts have gotten more expensive- Here is the progression:

  1. Cards- When I was a kid all anybody received for Valentine’s Day was a card, regardless of whether you were newly dating or married for years.
  2. Chocolate- Somewhere along the way giving chocolates became the norm.  The standard was the heart shaped box of inexpensive mixed chocolates.
  3. Gourmet chocolates replaced the generic box of assorted chocolates. Way better tasting, but way more expensive.
  4. Flowers, or more precisely 1 dozen red roses became a Valentine standard.
  5. Diamonds have now become the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift. I love diamonds just as much as any woman, but I think that unless you’re getting engaged diamonds are excessive for this holiday.

The Valentine’s Day Premium- I admit that I’m a very thrifty person, but I don’t know anyone who wants to pay more for something just because businesses have changed the message of Valentine’s Day from “I love you” to “I love when you spend your money.”  The exact same roses, chocolates and jewelry all have jacked up prices during Valentine’s day and can often be purchased for half the price if you bought them in March.  Same thing with that Valentine’s Day dinner at your favorite restaurant.  You will pay substantially more for the same meal on Valentine’s Day than you would if you went there a few days later.

Everyone has jumped on the Valentine’s Day bandwagon- What used to be the domain of florists, card companies and candy makers has now expanded into products and events that have no connection to saying I love you.  Even our hockey stadium offers a  Valentine’s Day package. As much as I love the sport, to try to sell the notion of watching guys getting slammed into the glass as a way to express your love is just stretching things too far.

I even saw a vacuum cleaner company that has a Valentine’s Day promotion. This is just so wrong. If your man’s idea of saying I love you involves upgrading your vacuum cleaner, then you may need to consider upgrading your man.  The only exception is if it comes with a signed and notarized statement that he will do all the vacuuming from that point forward.

So there are some of my pet peeves with how commercialized Valentine’s Day has become.  I miss the days when a special card with a personal message was more than enough and would be displayed on the mantle like a prized possession.  If you really want to express how much you love that special person in your life, focus on saying and showing that you love them everyday instead of once a year.

What do you think? Am I a Valentine’s Day Scrooge or is there too much hype for this holiday?  How will you spend Valentine’s Day?  Please share in the comments section.

Why Won’t He Marry Me?

February 2nd, 2010

One of the most frequent questions that women ask on LuvemOrLeavem is “why won’t he marry me?”  I actually created LuvemOrLeavem with these women in mind because I have known so many of them over the years.  The thing that puzzles me most is that these women who have been hinting to their boyfriends for years that they want to get married are women that wouldn’t put up with being given the runaround in any other situation.   These women make smart decisions in every other aspect of their lives, yet they stay in a situation where they seem to be the only ones that are unaware that these men will never marry them.

So why are these men so opposed to tying the knot?  Although there are always specific details that vary among the stories of these couples, there are really only 2 main reasons why these men will not marry these women:  1) The man just does not want to get married  2) The man doesn’t want to marry that particular woman.  I know this seems like an over simplification, but I think that delving into all the details of why a man is not marrying her, is what often causes women to get caught up in trying to turn these relationships into marriages.

Men Who Just Don’t Want To Get Married- There are some men who just have no intention of getting married.  It’s easy to get caught up in the reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and to view them as barriers that can be overcome.  If he has sworn off marriage because he went through an ugly divorce you may be tempted to prove that with you it can be different.  If he thinks he is not the type of person who can be faithful, you may feel tempted to see the challenge as making sure that you prove to him that you can be  exciting and desirable enough to make him never want to look at another woman again.

The problem is that not wanting to get married is about him, not about you.  I’ve known women who date men who have told them for years that they never want to get married, yet they seem to think that if they wait it out he’ll change his mind.  If a man tells you that he has no intention of getting married and backs that up by dating you for years without marrying, then take him at his word.  He won’t be marrying you now matter how hard you try to change this.

Men Who Don’t Want to Marry a Particular Woman- This is a difficult scenario for a woman to accept.  When a woman who has waited years for a proposal that never came watches that same man walk down the aisle with another woman, it’s hard not to have doubts about what was wrong with you and why he feels that this other women is so right for him.  There are many reasons why a man may not want to marry a particular woman, and it doesn’t mean that anything was “wrong” with the first woman or that he didn’t love her enough to marry her.

It just means that the men weren’t sure that they were compatible enough for marriage.  For example, I’ve known women who had careers that made their man think that work would keep them from being the kind of wife that they envisioned.  On the flip side, I also knew a woman whose boyfriend felt that he could never be the dependable husband that she dreamed of having because he was a freelancer and never had a job with a steady paycheck.  At the time, these women were heartbroken to see the men they had waited for walk down the aisle with someone else.  It wasn’t until they met men that were compatible enough to marry that they realized that it truly wasn’t a strike against them that these other men had not wanted to marry them.

So there you have it, the two main reasons behind all the little reasons of why he won’t marry you.  No matter which reason it is, the important thing is to move on from a relationship if you’ve reached the point where you want to marry him and he has shown that he doesn’t want to marry you.  It’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you love someone and thought that they were “the one,” but ultimately it is much better than getting married to the wrong person.

What do you think? Why would a man date a woman for years without marrying her even after she makes it clear how badly she wants to get married?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

P.S. For a humorous look at men who won’t tie the knot visit 25 Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You by Mike The Master Dater.

Why Try Speed Dating?

January 25th, 2010

When we first launched LuvemOrLeavem we still had a few people that needed to be convinced that online dating was a viable way for them to meet that special someone.   These days, most of our regulars seem to have embraced online dating, and the big debate of “Should I try it or not?” has shifted to speed dating.  Since we do have so many discussions that have popped up regarding speed dating, I thought it was time to revisit the topic and let all of you know about the basics of speed dating, what changes have taken place in the speed dating world and why people are choosing this method to search for their perfect match.

Although speed dating events take place in a variety of venues, there are some rules that are consistent across all the reputable speed dating companies and events. These rules have been put in place to make the event as comfortable as possible, to ensure the safety of the speed daters and because they are tried and true factors in what makes a speed dating event fun even if you don’t find a perfect match.

The Basics:

1. Registrants complete a registration form.
2. Information from registration forms is used to match up daters for a series of mini dates
3. Daters go on their mini dates with their matches, moving on to the next date when the time is up.
4. Daters must complete all assigned mini dates for the duration of the assigned time.
5. Participants cannot ask for or exchange contact information
6. Participants let the speed dating company know who they would like to be matched with from the event.
7. When there is a match the speed dating company will provide contact information to both people

Changes in speed dating:

  • Shorter Time Limits- The change that we’ve heard the most positive feedback about is that many speed dating companies have reduced the amount of time that daters spend on their mini dates.  When we first wrote about speed dating, the average was close to 10 minutes, but now the average is 5 minutes or less.  Daters had complained to us about how 10 minutes was an eternity if there was no interest from the moment you took your seat, so this should be a big incentive for anyone who has been on the fence about whether or not to give speed dating a try.
  • More Specialized- Speed dating companies do their best to match people by using their registration forms, but many are also running specialized events so that all daters have certain characteristics in common.  For example, there are speed dating events for daters within certain age ranges, there are events for daters of specific religions, and there are even events that cater specifically to single parents.
  • More Venues- Although most speed dating events are held in bars or restaurants, there are also speed dating events that take place in bowling alleys, on golf courses and there are even “speed cooking” events where participants take turns preparing parts of a meal together in a commercial kitchen.  If you have a hobby that you feel your future love must also enjoy, odds are that you will be able to find some sort of dating event focused around this hobby.

So, with online dating becoming such a common way for couples to meet, why do some singles choose speed dating?  Here are some of the most popular reasons that our readers have shared for why they have tried or continue to try speed dating.

  • Face to Face- We get a lot of complaints from women who discover that their online date posted a photo from either 10 years or 30 pounds ago, so it’s not surprising that what people liked most about speed dating was being able to see the other person.
  • Can Learn Much, Quickly- Even if someone is totally honest in their profile, there are just certain things that you can learn about a person in a few minutes when speaking in person, which you my not learn after hours of phone conversations or multiple emails.
  • More effort- I would think that this is a bad thing, but a lot of women like the idea that the man had to make the effort to get out of the house rather than just sitting in front of his laptop.  Women here in the San Francisco Bay Area seemed to especially appreciate that these men are willing to travel.  Here is a quote from one such women “I went speed dating on The Peninsula, but I met a man from the East Bay.  I figured if he could get here once he’ll get here again, unlike guys I meet online who act like coming out to the Peninsula is like traveling to the ends of the Earth.”

So now you know all about the latest trends in speed dating and why so many singles are willing to give it a try.  Still not sure about speed dating?  Come visit LuvemOrLeavem’s video page as we go behind the scenes of the country’s largest speed dating event.  We’re sending video correspondent, Nando Rodriguez, to the Find Your Luvah event this Friday, January 29th from 8:00pm – 10:00pm (EST)  We will be posting mobile video, Tweeting Live and allowing real time questions and comments.  Come see what speed dating is really all about.  We will also have permanent video of the event posted as well in case you’re not able to visit the site this Friday.

Please share your thoughts. As always, please use the comments section to let us know what you think about speed dating, or to let us know what you would like to know about speed dating when we go behind the scenes.

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