This isn’t to say that couples aren’t having more fights about money than they would in better financial times, but the kind of money problems that make people question how viable their relationship is seem to be pretty steady.  When I sort through the dilemmas that mention money, it makes sense that the number has held steady because the majority of them aren’t about money at all.  To better explain what I mean, I’m going to list some of the most common money issues where money is merely an indication of a deeper relationship problem.

Money Reflecting Priorities- As someone who used to prepare taxes, I can tell you that the things that a person spends money on can tell you an awful lot about that person.  A quick look at their expenditures can tell you about their hobbies and lifestyle.  It can also tell you where their priorities lie, for example, do they give to charity, and if so which ones?

One of the first love dilemmas we received regarding money was from a woman who received a much smaller diamond engagement ring than she was expecting.  When I read the dilemma title about her “tiny diamond” I thought it was going to contain the rantings of a woman who just wanted a big rock to show off and didn’t understand that the engagement was the important part.  After reading the full story, I could understand her concern.  Her fiance had received a large bonus at work and he replaced his 2 year old Mercedes convertible with a brand new one and then purchased her engagement ring with the little that was left over.  Now we can debate all day long about whether or not he should have forgone the newer car to buy her a nicer ring, but I don’t think that we can deny that how he chose to spend his money shed some light on his priorities.

Trust and Money- One of the first love dilemmas we had on this topic came from a woman who was furious over her husband buying a “hot stock” which turned out to be a nearly 6 figure financial mistake.  It wasn’t until she wanted to cash out some stock for a vacation that she discovered that the money that showed on the spreadsheet that her husband kept was nearly worthless and had been that way for almost a year.  Now don’t get me wrong, she was not happy about this terrible investment decision, but she seemed willing to forget this huge investment mistake.  What she focused on throughout her dilemma was how many times she had mentioned cashing out of some of this stock and how many opportunities he had to tell her the truth rather than continuing to hide his mistake.

Money and Work Ethic- Many of us know more than a few people who have lost their jobs these days.  In the world of dating, the person with the job often picks up the tab for the person who has lost their job.  Often, the person who still has a job is understanding and they don’t mind paying for more dates than they did when they both had jobs.  Of course even when there isn’t a recession there are those individuals that never seem to have a job or at least never seem to have a cent to show for it.

The issue behind these love dilemmas is not a temporary loss of income, it’s the fear that this person may be a chronic freeloader.  If the person that you are involved with has never held a job for more than a few months or they have been involved in a lengthy job search that looks suspiciously like drinking beer while watching your television, then you need to consider that there is a work ethic problem more than a money problem.  If you’re not certain if this person is a freeloader or is just having terrible luck, it doesn’t usually take too long for this to be revealed.  The first time this person asks you to help them pay rent, utilities, or any other personal expense of theirs, you’ll have your answer.

So, despite the many arguments and relationship problems that are tied to money, it does seem that the ones that are relationship deal breakers have more to do with issues that lie much deeper than mere cash.  Our use of money and our attitude towards money reveals a lot about our nature.  Yes, there are some money issues that are merely petty and superficial, but if a money issue is causing you serious doubts about your relationship I would urge you to look beneath the surface.

How about you? How does money affect your relationship?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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1. You Have Been Reduced to Begging- For the woman who has been doing some serious hinting about getting married, it is often very hard to realize that conversations about marriage have been replaced with begging and pleading.  I’ve written many time about smart, strong women who don’t make smart choices in relationships.  Women who would demand a raise at work rather than begging for one somehow fall into a trap where they are begging a man to marry them.  If you have been reduced to begging, it is time to move on.  Not only does he not plan on marrying you, but the type of guy who strings a woman along like this is likely to move on to more complex stalling tactics that can drag on for years without ever tying the knot.

2. Waiting for the Right Time- It sounds very responsible for your guy to say that he will ask you to marry him as soon as it is “the right time,” but this is usually another stalling tactic.  I’ve heard all kinds of excuses for why it’s not the perfect time that range from men who want to wait for a big promotion at work to one man who wanted to make sure that his brother had enough time to grieve after his divorce before he was “forced” to participate in wedding festivities.  People manage to tie the knot during less than perfect circumstances all the time.  Nearly every member of the clergy has a story about a bride or groom who had to that hobble down the aisle after breaking a leg or having some serious injury before their wedding.  Remember these couples when you’re evaluating whether his reason for waiting has merit or not.

3. He suggests a “trial period”- Men who want to get married propose to their lady.  They don’t try to find a way to delay things by recommending that you have a trial period of living together “just to make sure that we’re compatible with each other.”  We get letters from women all the time who agreed to these “trial periods” and they’ve all either left the relationship or are many years into their “trial period.”

4. An Engagement With No Date Set- Many guys find that presenting a women with a diamond ring is a great stalling technique.  The men that have the financial means, can often get years worth of stall time with a large enough diamond.  If you’ve been engaged for more than a few months and you still don’t have a date set, then the odds of you walking down the aisle with this man are extremely slim.  The same goes for dates set two or more years into the future (see rescheduled wedding.)

5. The Rescheduled Wedding- This often starts out as a wedding date that is set for years in the future.  As the date gets closer (close enough to start making real plans) the date gets moved out.  Let’s face it, in all aspects of life we tend to reschedule things that we’re not looking forward to (like going to the dentist) and keep or move up the dates for things that we really want to do.  If you had a long engagement that was rescheduled as soon as it got close enough to where you needed to start putting down deposits with wedding halls, caterers, etc, then he is sending you a message that he does not intend to ever go through with the wedding.

So there are the 5 most common signs that he won’t be marrying you.  I have seen women struggle with these signs both in real life and in the stories that they share with us on LuvemOrLeavem.  If you are in any of these situations, then your time and energy would be better spent finding a new man who is ready to commit to you rather than waiting around for your current man to walk down the aisle with you.

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I know that this is easier said than done, but since I have become the “moving maven” I thought I’d share my biggest tip for keeping the peace in your relationship when it’s time to move.  Although moving is stressful for everyone, I am mainly going to address this one to the ladies, since we tend to be the keeper of the nest (yes, that sounds sexist, but it sounds truthful too.)  I’ve handled some moves better than others, and I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, so here is my number one tip for avoiding fighting with your man as you move.

Don’t mess with the “guy stuff” when it’s time to move.

We all know that guys have “guy stuff.”  It may be never used tools, a set of weights buried in the basement, or fishing equipment that has accumulated cobwebs.   The exact contents will vary with the personality and hobbies of your man, but he is sure to have something that takes up a fair amount of space that he hasn’t used in ages, if ever.  Normally, it’s fine to ask him about getting rid of this stuff from time to time.  Hey, you never know when you may get lucky and he’ll agree that it is time to get rid of it.

The big caution here is that the time to bring this up getting rid of the neglected items is not when you’re planning a move.  Moving is a fine time to clear those places where things accumulate, like the basement and garage, but it works best if you each get rid of your own stuff.  It’s tempting to make wise cracks about getting rid of his old stuff when you’re planning a move.  Even though having a pile of unused items ready for packing and staring you in the face may seem like an opportune time to suggest purging these items, resist this temptation and stay quiet.

For the most part, I’m not usually a big believer in being quiet, but a move is one of those big stressful events in a relationship, where a seemingly small issue can cause a big argument.  In fact, one of the most controversial dilemmas I’ve ever seen on LuvemOrLeavem had to do with a women disposing of her guys stuff without telling him first.  I don’t usually have a lot of men that post comments, but the men were militant on this one.  They were so unhappy with the actions of this woman, that they made it clear that they were voting “Leavem” only because there wasn’t an option of “He should leave you.”

So there it is, my biggest tip ever for not turning a move into a battle of the sexes.  It may sound very simple, but as I’ve said before “sometimes the best way to improve communication in a relationship is to focus on what not to say rather than what to say.”

What do you think? Please share your thoughts, tips and stories about how moving can affect a relationship and how to handle the stress.

P.S.  A big thank you to the great people over at DateDaily.com who featured us on their dating and relationship site.

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For our commenters on LuvemOrLeavem , the difference between high standards and too picky is usually determined by how specific the woman’s requirements are for choosing a man.  For example, looking for a man who is fit is fine.  If she spends her spare time hiking and kayaking, then she’ll be looking for a man who is in better shape than a woman who is happy taking a stroll around the block.  I wouldn’t consider that “too picky” because it is important to have common interests in a relationship.  Of course if your idea of a guy who is fit is defined by his Body Mass Index falling within a narrow range, then yes, I would say you are too picky.

With that said, here is a list of criteria that women have shared with us that have caused their friends, and in some cases even their moms, to say that these women are “too picky” to ever find a man.

“I want a man who is at least 6 inches taller than me (I’m 5′ 8″).  That way I can wear a nice pair of heels and he’s still taller.”

“He has to make at least 300K per year.  That may sound picky if you live in Iowa, but here in Manhattan that’s pretty much middle class.”

“I broke up with a guy that my best friend thought was perfect for me because he had nasty back hair.  I wanted to gag  every time we went to the beach, and hey, I love the beach.”

“I want a guy who’s strong enough to  carry me over the thresh hold one day.  If he’s a scrawny guy, that’s a deal breaker.”

“I broke up with a guy who wanted to go out with just the guys every week.  He can see his friends once a month, but once a week is too much.”

“He dressed like a bum.  I bought him nice clothes for every special occasion, and he still lived in his ratty old jeans and t-shirts.  Bye bye.”

“I don’t have a 10 page list of requirements, but it’s probably close to 8.  I may even have 3 pages devoted just to appearance.  All the other pages describe the characteristic that my future husband must have.”

“He has to like the same music as me, no jazz, no heavy metal, no country, no rap and no hip hop (no exceptions).”

Now some of these seem like kind of silly things to be deal breakers in a relationship, but maybe these ladies are very laid back about a host of other criteria.  If you’ve met men that meet your criteria and the relationship just didn’t work out for whatever reason, then it is likely that you just have high standards.  If you have never even met anyone that comes close to your list of “must haves,” then you may indeed be too picky.

So what do you think? Are these ladies too picky?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

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Luckily, we had some brave men who confessed that they felt most loved by their wives when they took the time to prepare a nice meal for them and that changed the tone of the discussion.  Now it turns out that most women did the cooking in their relationships, and it was more the expectation that women should be able to cook more than the actual cooking that riled up these women.  This brings me to today’s interview with Nadia G from The Bitchin’ Kitchen web tv show.  Nadia is the embodiment of the attitude that our women expressed about cooking.  They didn’t mind it as long as their efforts were met with love and appreciation rather than a pile of shirts to iron once the dinner dishes were cleaned and put away.  So here is what the Nadia G had to say when we spoke to her about love and cooking:

LuvemOrLeavem: We’ve had huge debates about love and food,  how important is it that a woman can cook?

Nadia: As an Italian I’m convinced that they way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Honestly, I think the ability to whip up a great meal is a definite asset. See, humans aren’t super complex creatures: a good meal can get you what ever you want. A great meal guarantees it.

Luvem: How can a woman make sure that cooking a special meal for her guy isn’t a green light for him to expect elaborate meals every day?

Nadia: I’ve always enjoyed spoiling my past boyfriends with a coupla stellar meals here and there, but they’ve never expected it on a daily basis. If your man expects an extravagant meal every day, and has the audacity to badger you about it, always remember that there are other uses for a wooden spoon.

Luvem: What about those women who can’t cook?  Any tips on getting started?

Nadia: Being able to cook for yourself is so important, especially with all the crappy food that’s out there: additives, hormones, whopping amounts of sodium, saturated fats and sugar… Cooking is easy, all one has to do pick-up a cookbook and be willing to get their hands dirty, no need to be intimidated by food. So what if you mess up?  But if she really has no interest in rocking her kitchen, then I say try to buy organic prepped food as much as possible. At least you know the meals don’t contain any nasty surprises.

Luvem: For those take-out women, should they be honest or try to pass off this food as their own?

Nadia: I say: be honest. Lying takes too much energy, and at the end of the day, people don’t really care where the food comes from as long as it’s tasty.

Luvem: What about men in the kitchen?  How do you get him to do something beyond using the microwave?

Nadia: I hear you, it ain’t easy to get someone to start cooking… I’d say go Pavolvian on his butt. Good meal, he gets a treat… No meal, no treat. Nothing like “positive” reinforcement, mwahahahaha!

Valentine’s Day Cooking- Since many of our readers have told us that tight budgets will have them cooking on Valentine’s Day, here are Nadia’s top suggestions:

Top suggestion for women to make: Men like meat, so I’d suggest she make him the Filet Mignon with Coco-Chili Sauce for Valentine’s Day

Top suggestion for men to make: Women LOVE chocolate so I suggest he make her some dessert, maybe a Chocolate Fondue with salty pretzels.

Luvem: Should your Vday meal vary based on the stage of your relationship?  For example, 1) newly dating 2) dating for a while 3) where the heck is my ring?

Nadia: 1) If you’re dating someone new, this is the time to bamboozle them. I’d say go all out with a 3 course V-Day dinner of Panko Shrimp & Strawberries, Filet Mignon with a maple Balsamic Reduction, and Spicy Dark Chocolate Soufflés for dessert…

2) If you’ve been dating for a while, there’s nothing like snuggling up to some comfort food: elevate a shepherd’s pie with ground organic sirloin, fresh grilled corn, and mix of sweet n’ russet potato mash. Top with smoked paprika, amp up some ketchup with hot sauce, and man, you’ve got yourself a party.

3) Where the heck is my ring? LOL. If you can’t get him to buy the ring, you may as well get him to buy you dinner. Head to a 5-star resto and shkoff on his tab.

Luvem: What is your opinion of famous women in the kitchen (Julia Child, Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray)?  Are they role models for women or old fashioned stereo types?

Nadia: Julia Child and Martha Stewart are pioneers, they built empires on what was once considered mere “women’s work”, and you gotta give them props for that. I respect Rachael Ray, although she’s a bit too saccharine for my taste: Cooking up nachos for your husband’s Super Bowl party? Yea OK. In my book, I’d ship him off to a sports bar and have my girlfriends over for a make-your-own-spring roll/ gossip party. She’s got her thing, I’ve got mine.

Luvem: It sounds like you have recipes for every time in a relationship including breaking up and making up.  What is your favorite relationship themed recipe?

Nadia: My uncle Pasqua used to say: There’s a meal for every occasion and an occasion for every meal…” No one was ever more right (or sweaty.) Its hard for me to single out a meal/ theme… But if I really have to: I’d go with the Break Up Meal. It’s good to leave ‘em with a good taste in their mouth, remember you once cared for them, but more importantly: they know your secrets and probably got ‘em on tape…

As you can probably tell from her answers, Nadia has a non-intimidating and fun approach to cooking.  Her recipes are delicious, but not too complicated and her show is filled with humor.  After all where else can you find a cooking show that exclaims that its low fat meal has “less fat than Nicole Richie in a sauna?”  So go visit Nadia over at the Bitchin’ Kitchen.

How about you? Do you like to cook for that special someone or are you just fine with take out?  Better yet, do you have a special someone who cooks for you?  Please share your thoughts in our comments section.

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Valentine’s Day gifts have gotten more expensive- Here is the progression:

1. Cards- When I was a kid all anybody received for Valentine’s Day was a card, regardless of whether you were newly dating or married for years.
2. Chocolate- Somewhere along the way giving chocolates became the norm.  The standard was the heart shaped box of inexpensive mixed chocolates.
3. Gourmet chocolates replaced the generic box of assorted chocolates. Way better tasting, but way more expensive.
4. Flowers, or more precisely 1 dozen red roses became a Valentine standard.
5. Diamonds have now become the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift. I love diamonds just as much as any woman, but I think that unless you’re getting engaged diamonds are excessive for this holiday.

The Valentine’s Day Premium- I admit that I’m a very thrifty person, but I don’t know anyone who wants to pay more for something just because businesses have changed the message of Valentine’s Day from “I love you” to “I love when you spend your money.”  The exact same roses, chocolates and jewelry all have jacked up prices during Valentine’s day and can often be purchased for half the price if you bought them in March.  Same thing with that Valentine’s Day dinner at your favorite restaurant.  You will pay substantially more for the same meal on Valentine’s Day than you would if you went there a few days later.

Everyone has jumped on the Valentine’s Day bandwagon- What used to be the domain of florists, card companies and candy makers has now expanded into products and events that have no connection to saying I love you.  Even our hockey stadium offers a  Valentine’s Day package. As much as I love the sport, to try to sell the notion of watching guys getting slammed into the glass as a way to express your love is just stretching things too far.

I even saw a vacuum cleaner company that has a Valentine’s Day promotion. This is just so wrong. If your man’s idea of saying I love you involves upgrading your vacuum cleaner, then you may need to consider upgrading your man.  The only exception is if it comes with a signed and notarized statement that he will do all the vacuuming from that point forward.

So there are some of my pet peeves with how commercialized Valentine’s Day has become.  I miss the days when a special card with a personal message was more than enough and would be displayed on the mantle like a prized possession.  If you really want to express how much you love that special person in your life, focus on saying and showing that you love them everyday instead of once a year.

What do you think? Am I a Valentine’s Day Scrooge or is there too much hype for this holiday?  How will you spend Valentine’s Day?  Please share in the comments section.

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So why are these men so opposed to tying the knot?  Although there are always specific details that vary among the stories of these couples, there are really only 2 main reasons why these men will not marry these women:  1) The man just does not want to get married  2) The man doesn’t want to marry that particular woman.  I know this seems like an over simplification, but I think that delving into all the details of why a man is not marrying her, is what often causes women to get caught up in trying to turn these relationships into marriages.

Men Who Just Don’t Want To Get Married- There are some men who just have no intention of getting married.  It’s easy to get caught up in the reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and to view them as barriers that can be overcome.  If he has sworn off marriage because he went through an ugly divorce you may be tempted to prove that with you it can be different.  If he thinks he is not the type of person who can be faithful, you may feel tempted to see the challenge as making sure that you prove to him that you can be  exciting and desirable enough to make him never want to look at another woman again.

The problem is that not wanting to get married is about him, not about you.  I’ve known women who date men who have told them for years that they never want to get married, yet they seem to think that if they wait it out he’ll change his mind.  If a man tells you that he has no intention of getting married and backs that up by dating you for years without marrying, then take him at his word.  He won’t be marrying you now matter how hard you try to change this.

Men Who Don’t Want to Marry a Particular Woman- This is a difficult scenario for a woman to accept.  When a woman who has waited years for a proposal that never came watches that same man walk down the aisle with another woman, it’s hard not to have doubts about what was wrong with you and why he feels that this other women is so right for him.  There are many reasons why a man may not want to marry a particular woman, and it doesn’t mean that anything was “wrong” with the first woman or that he didn’t love her enough to marry her.

It just means that the men weren’t sure that they were compatible enough for marriage.  For example, I’ve known women who had careers that made their man think that work would keep them from being the kind of wife that they envisioned.  On the flip side, I also knew a woman whose boyfriend felt that he could never be the dependable husband that she dreamed of having because he was a freelancer and never had a job with a steady paycheck.  At the time, these women were heartbroken to see the men they had waited for walk down the aisle with someone else.  It wasn’t until they met men that were compatible enough to marry that they realized that it truly wasn’t a strike against them that these other men had not wanted to marry them.

So there you have it, the two main reasons behind all the little reasons of why he won’t marry you.  No matter which reason it is, the important thing is to move on from a relationship if you’ve reached the point where you want to marry him and he has shown that he doesn’t want to marry you.  It’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you love someone and thought that they were “the one,” but ultimately it is much better than getting married to the wrong person.

What do you think? Why would a man date a woman for years without marrying her even after she makes it clear how badly she wants to get married?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

P.S. For a humorous look at men who won’t tie the knot visit 25 Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You by Mike The Master Dater.

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Although speed dating events take place in a variety of venues, there are some rules that are consistent across all the reputable speed dating companies and events. These rules have been put in place to make the event as comfortable as possible, to ensure the safety of the speed daters and because they are tried and true factors in what makes a speed dating event fun even if you don’t find a perfect match.

The Basics:

1. Registrants complete a registration form.
2. Information from registration forms is used to match up daters for a series of mini dates
3. Daters go on their mini dates with their matches, moving on to the next date when the time is up.
4. Daters must complete all assigned mini dates for the duration of the assigned time.
5. Participants cannot ask for or exchange contact information
6. Participants let the speed dating company know who they would like to be matched with from the event.
7. When there is a match the speed dating company will provide contact information to both people

Changes in speed dating:

• Shorter Time Limits- The change that we’ve heard the most positive feedback about is that many speed dating companies have reduced the amount of time that daters spend on their mini dates.  When we first wrote about speed dating, the average was close to 10 minutes, but now the average is 5 minutes or less.  Daters had complained to us about how 10 minutes was an eternity if there was no interest from the moment you took your seat, so this should be a big incentive for anyone who has been on the fence about whether or not to give speed dating a try.
• More Specialized- Speed dating companies do their best to match people by using their registration forms, but many are also running specialized events so that all daters have certain characteristics in common.  For example, there are speed dating events for daters within certain age ranges, there are events for daters of specific religions, and there are even events that cater specifically to single parents.
• More Venues- Although most speed dating events are held in bars or restaurants, there are also speed dating events that take place in bowling alleys, on golf courses and there are even “speed cooking” events where participants take turns preparing parts of a meal together in a commercial kitchen.  If you have a hobby that you feel your future love must also enjoy, odds are that you will be able to find some sort of dating event focused around this hobby.

So, with online dating becoming such a common way for couples to meet, why do some singles choose speed dating?  Here are some of the most popular reasons that our readers have shared for why they have tried or continue to try speed dating.

• Face to Face- We get a lot of complaints from women who discover that their online date posted a photo from either 10 years or 30 pounds ago, so it’s not surprising that what people liked most about speed dating was being able to see the other person.
• Can Learn Much, Quickly- Even if someone is totally honest in their profile, there are just certain things that you can learn about a person in a few minutes when speaking in person, which you my not learn after hours of phone conversations or multiple emails.
• More effort- I would think that this is a bad thing, but a lot of women like the idea that the man had to make the effort to get out of the house rather than just sitting in front of his laptop.  Women here in the San Francisco Bay Area seemed to especially appreciate that these men are willing to travel.  Here is a quote from one such women “I went speed dating on The Peninsula, but I met a man from the East Bay.  I figured if he could get here once he’ll get here again, unlike guys I meet online who act like coming out to the Peninsula is like traveling to the ends of the Earth.”

So now you know all about the latest trends in speed dating and why so many singles are willing to give it a try.  Still not sure about speed dating?  Come visit LuvemOrLeavem’s video page as we go behind the scenes of the country’s largest speed dating event.  We’re sending video correspondent, Nando Rodriguez, to the Find Your Luvah event this Friday, January 29th from 8:00pm – 10:00pm (EST)  We will be posting mobile video, Tweeting Live and allowing real time questions and comments.  Come see what speed dating is really all about.  We will also have permanent video of the event posted as well in case you’re not able to visit the site this Friday.

Please share your thoughts. As always, please use the comments section to let us know what you think about speed dating, or to let us know what you would like to know about speed dating when we go behind the scenes.

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Many women agree with much of what is stated in The Rules when it comes to the early stages of relationships.  They encourage women to not be too eager with a man, which includes calling him too often, being too available too often when he wants to make a date with her, and of course not sleeping together too soon.  Even though this may seem like a bit of game playing, the early stages of dating are often like playing a game until the guy has proven that he is a decent guy who is genuinely interested in finding a partner and not just a guy out for a conquest.

The rules seem to annoy women a lot more when they venture into how to behave once the relationship becomes serious and they send some women into a frenzy of outrage when they start advising women on how to turn that relationship into a marriage proposal.  Some of the basics during this stage of the rules are:

• A Woman should not see a man more than 3 times per week even if she is at the point where her feelings for him make her want to see him more often.
• If you’ve been dating for more than a year and haven’t received a proposal, see less of him and think about dating others.  Which ties into the next rule which is possibly their biggest rule–
• Rules women do not date men for more than two years

So how is it that some women find these rules empowering, while women like Kelly at Notes from the Dating Trenches, find them offensive?  One of Kelly’s big issue with the rules is that as she states “they are based on not communicating with actual words.”  I agree that the act of being “deliberately unavailable” when a man is late calling you back rather than asking him where the heck he was is rather passive aggressive, yet I also think that many men often respond better to such actions rather than to words.

In defense of women like Kelly who feel offended by the rules, there are some statements from The Rules authors that do demean women.  For example, one of their rules states that women should Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Now this may sound like a great idea, because every woman wants to stand out as an individual unlike any other.  The problem is their recommendations for how to be such a creature, which they describe as: “…It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare)…”

I have to admit, this part crossed the line for me.  I have a good friend who is somewhat of a “babbler,” which is part of what makes her endearing to those who love her.  Does this turn off 95% of the men she meets?  Yes, it certainly seems to, but let’s remember that  marriage is a partnership of equals.  I would say it is better for her to be herself and hold out for that guy who falls into the 5% of men that appreciate this quality, rather than change herself to attract that 95% who don’t like that quality.  Marrying a man in that category will either mean that she will need to continue to pretend indefinitely, or that the man is in for a rude awakening when he discovers that she is not the “demure” woman that he thought she was.

So what about all those women who defend the rules.  Well surprisingly, one blogger who defends them is Christan, no-nonsense blogger over at Moxie in the City, who I would have guessed would hate the rules because they do seem to imply that every woman’s ultimate goal is marriage.  Christan’s defense of the rules stems from the simple fact that looking at the lives of her happily married friends leads her to conclude that the rules work.  I have to agree with her on the fact that the happily married women that I know, including myself, were not the type of women to let the man take the entire lead in where the relationship was going.

So, back to the original question–Do The Rules empower or demean women?  I think that much of it goes back to the role of women.  If a woman is truly independent and has a professional and social life that extends beyond the man in her life, then these rules can be empowering.  She shouldn’t let the man set the tone of the relationship to where he can see her all the time and date her for years without proposing IF her goal is marriage.  On the other hand, if a woman is miserable during the days when she is not out with her man, then altering her behavior in order to “follow the rules” is of no benefit.  The woman is not being true to herself, and if the relationship turns into marriage because she appeared to be more independent than she was, then this marriage is headed for disaster.

So, what do you think of the rules?  Do they encourage women to assert themselves?  Or do they encourage women to be manipulative?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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Can’t See the bigger picture- Most women are great with details.  After a relationship ends, women are likely to identify many of the details as to why that particular relationship ended.  It’s important to recognize specific mistakes and to vow not to make them again, but it’s also important to see the big picture.  A woman may realize that she was wasting her time with a man who wasn’t ready to commit, but this is just a detail about what is wrong with her dating strategy.  The big picture is that it took her months to discover this about this man while ruling out all chances of meeting a man that was a better match for her.

Some things take time- You may need months of dating someone to discover the things about them that determine whether or not this relationship has the potential to last.  In the example above, the big problem is not that it took months to determine that the man was not ready for commitment, the problem is that the woman didn’t keep her options open while she was making this discovery.

We often look down on women who date multiple men- When men aren’t dating any one particular woman exclusively, we may say that they are “playing the field” or give it some other term that shows approval.  Woman who date in this manner are often described in much less flattering terms.  Now of course if you are dating multiple men as you search for “the one,” you need to hold off on getting involved sexually with these men.  First, you need to wait until you have been dating that special guy, who stands out from the others that you’re dating, long enough to determine if he has the characteristics that you want in a long term partner.  Next, make sure that you are both seeing each other exclusively and are both looking at creating a lasting relationship, before you get sexually involved.

Women aren’t comfortable approaching this topic- Many women worry that a man will think that they are “slutty” if they let him know that they’d rather date a few men casually before deciding if they want to date one of them exclusively.  Men actually seem to have a better handle on the concept that dating should be fun than women do, and many men complain to us that most women are looking for a relationship to become too serious too soon.  Women need to keep in mind that even though their ultimate goal for dating may be to find a soul mate, they should still be having fun during the dating process.

More prospects = greater chance of success- If you’ve ever been in sales, you know that your chances of success are the greatest when you have multiple prospects rather than focusing all your time and energy on one prospect.  I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but the goal of finding a lifetime partner is even more difficult to achieve than the  salesman who wants to land a million dollar deal.  You would laugh at the salesman who only pursued one client after one meeting with them, yet we tend to see nothing wrong with the woman who starts dating a man exclusively after only one date.

So, if you are a woman looking for that special someone, or you know a woman who is searching, be aware of this “biggest” of dating mistakes.  I’ve known many women that were finally able to find that special guy once they broke this habit of always dating exclusively.  Instead of dating one or two men over the course of a year, they had the chance to date many men and compare the potential that they all had for becoming that lifetime partner.

What do you think? Do you think that dating should be exclusive?  Or should it remain casual until you have enough time to decide if this is a person you want to date exclusively?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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