Bigger Than Themselves- One of the most common references that I heard from couples who had undergone many hardships in their marriage was that they knew that they would get through these times because their marriage was not just about the two of them.  Now of course we all know that the bonds of marriage stretch beyond the couple to include their children as well as the family members of both the husband and wife, but these couples also felt strongly that their marriages were blessed by and would be guided by a higher power.  To have faith that their marriage would be guided by God was a comfort to many of the people who shared their stories with me.

The bad times didn’t seem to be as troubling to them because they felt that they had the help of the almighty to pull them through in addition to their own efforts.  This was especially important to the individuals who hit points in their marriage where they felt that they were more committed to making their marriage work than their spouse was.  Believing that there was a higher power helping them didn’t make these individuals feel that sense of loneliness that we would expect when someone wants to save a marriage to a spouse that does not seem nearly as committed to working things out.

Fear of Consequences- One big reason that many of these couples sited for upholding their marriage vows when they felt very tempted to do otherwise was plain old fear of sinning and the consequences that would follow.  Now it’s great to believe that we all have a moral compass that is so strong that we will always choose right over wrong, but a fear of consequences is definitely an added deterrent for those times when that moral compass is not functioning at full power.  For many people the notion of consequences is strictly related to whether or not their spouse will find out about their behavior.  For those whose faith is based in an all-knowing God, there is never a chance to have your actions go unobserved or to avoid the consequences of those actions.

Shared Faith, Shared Goals- Many of the couples that shared their stories explained their faith in an almost practical way.  They felt that their religious similarities were the root of many other things that they had in common, most importantly their shared goals.  As one woman so simply put it “It’s easy to find a man who shares your wants, but hard to find one who shares your values.  Our faith steers us in the same direction for our long term goals.”

Despite the stories of the importance of religion in marriage that so many couples have shared with me, there is no hard evidence that I have found showing that having religion as a central part of their lives gives a couple any greater chance of having a successful marriage than couples that are not religious.  Of course statistics cannot tell the whole story and the couples who shared their stories with me felt very strongly that religion played a key role in the success of their marriage.  I also notice in my personal life that around 90% of the happily married couples that I know would describe themselves as religious.  Yes, I know couples that are not religious that have strong marriages, and I know that religion provides no guarantees of marital success, but a strong shared faith does seem to at least increase the odds of a marriage lasting.

What do you think? Does religion strengthen a marriage?  Does it play a role in your marriage or those of couples you know?  Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

The Rebounder- For some women the easiest way to forget the hurt of a relationship ending is to jump right into a new relationship.  In general, it not good to jump into another serious relationship if you are still dealing with the pain of a previous relationship.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t get out and date once you’ve accepted that your previous relationship is over, but taking it slow to try to avoid the mistakes of past relationships is usually better than falling too hard and too fast for a new love.

Cry it Out- Many women need to go through a proper period of grieving before they can get over a break up.  Women  tend to feel better after shedding tears, and many women can’t  get all that sadness out of their system until they’ve had a good cry.  I think that this is one coping technique that is almost exclusive to women.  Most men seem to find it hard to understand that a woman who is puffy eyed and red nosed from crying it out is usually much closer to healing than a woman who is keeping all her pain bottled up.  Which brings me to the next technique.

The Denier- Some women just don’t want to admit to themselves or anyone else just how bad they feel after a break up or how much they cared for the man in  the first place.  Many of the women I’ve seen that deny the pain that they are obviously feeling were in a relationship with men that treated them badly.  There’s no reason to feel embarrassed about admitting that you feel hurt by the end of a relationship with a man that you know logically you are better off without.  Love is rarely logical, and everyone has fallen for the wrong person at some point.

The Destructor- These are the women who tend to gather together everything that is from their ex or that reminds them of their ex, and get rid of it.  I’ve received stories from women who have gathered all of these reminders together and have set them ablaze in the backyard as a way of coping.  It may seem a little dramatic to some, but I like that the emphasis is all about moving forward rather than staying stuck in the past.

The Eater- These are the women who head to the fridge or the pantry to cure their break up blues.  I can fully relate to a woman who decides that trying out every flavor of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream is a good way to ease the pain of a break up.  Of course there is only so long that you can use this approach before you start feeling worse rather than better, and this brings me to my final coping method.

The 5 Day Rule- This is one that I had never heard of until a few months ago.  The general idea is that you have 5 days to deal with your break up in any way that you please.  During these 5 days you can wallow in self pity, eat junk food, and listen to all those songs that remind you of him while crying your eyes out.  Once those 5 days are up, the self pity and unhealthy coping methods need to be put to an end with a focus on how you can move forward.  Of course the end of this 5 day period does not mark the point at which you will be healed, instead it marks an end to the period of wallowing in the sorrow of a break up and the beginning of a journey towards self improvement and moving forward.

So there you have it, the most common approaches that I have seen when it comes to women handling a break up.  You’ve probably seen all of these behaviors at some point, and it’s likely that you’ve used at least one of the techniques when dealing with your own difficult break up.  Everyone deals with a break up in a different manner depending on their personality and the situation, and the most important thread throughout all these methods is that eventually time heals all of the break up wounds.

What do you think is the best way to handle a break up?  Do you have a special technique that you have found useful?  Please let me know in the comments section!

The volatile nature of celebrity marriages is clearly illustrated when we look at their divorce rate. Divorce rates the U.S. are running at about fifty percent for the general population, but when we look at celebrities, most of us would be hard pressed to name more than a few who have never faced divorce.  So, whether it is cheating or just a revolving door of marriages and divorces, what is it about celebrities that makes their marriages so difficult?

On the one hand, celebrities do have concerns about privacy and fending off paparazzi that the rest of us don’t have to consider.  On the other hand, celebrities don’t have many of the everyday worries that the rest of us have.  They’re don’t have to worry about paying the bills or whether that old car will break down.  When it comes to those household chores that many couples argue about, celebrities also have a pass.  There’s no need to divvy up who will handle the cooking, cleaning, errands and yard work when this can all be hired out.

So, if their lives are not really harder, then why are their relationships so disastrous?  I think that the high number of failed celebrity marriages stems from the types of personalities that are attracted to stardom and the choices that are made to maintain this stardom.  Many of the personality and lifestyle traits that make a celebrity successful in their profession are the same traits that are not well suited to a successful marriage.

Big Egos and Marriage Don’t Mix Well- Most celebrities have big egos, as do many other high profile professions like politicians and even surgeons.  A big ego is not only a useful characteristic when your work is under the constant scrutiny of critics, but it’s often necessary to survive in these fields.   Celebrities often see their careers plummet when they reach a point where they no longer believe that they’re “better” than the rest of the people in their field.  The problem is, that ego is not so useful when you are trying to make a marriage work.  As much as you need to bring self confidence to a marriage, you also need to frequently “check your ego at the door” when you are dealing with your spouse.

Surrounded by Enablers- A well positioned “friend” of a celebrity often benefits more when the celebrity achieves success in their career rather than in their personal life.  As a result, they’re often surrounded by enablers who don’t really care what happens to the celebrity as long as they are making money.  We see it all the time where “friends” help celebrities acquire things that will ruin their personal lives.  Some help celebrities arrange secret rendezvous with mistresses and some introduce them to shady doctors who will write unlimited prescriptions.  Either way, if the people that surround you encourage your vices rather than telling you that what you are doing is wrong, you may actually start to lose touch with the reality of just how bad your actions are.

A Life of Excess- Celebrities have an excess of material things in their lives.  If they want yachts, multiple houses, multiple cars or even multiple mistresses, they can afford all of these things and more.  Of course we don’t know if these celebrities start turning to infidelity because they’re still seeking something that all these material things can’t provide, or whether they just like the thrill of getting everything that they want, including people.  Whichever reason prevails, it is safe to say that this life of excess does not bring happiness.

In the end, I think that we are often drawn to watching these celebrity relationships explode because it makes us feel better about our own lives and relationships.  The relationships of celebrities often make even the typical person’s dysfunctional relationship  look relatively tame and normal.  I think that many people also find comfort in seeing that underneath the glamor that surrounds the lives of celebrities, they have the same basic struggles to find love and happiness that we all have.

So what do you think about why celebrities have such a difficult time with relationships?  Does their fame make their relationships harder to maintain or do they just make terrible choices?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

While getting engaged during the holidays can provide a special opportunity to share this occasion with extended family, it can also give this event more fanfare than you may enjoy.  Although most holiday engagements take place privately between the couple and are later shared with family, there are those men who just can’t resist proposing in front of a built in audience.  The problem with a public proposal is that it often involves something bigger and flashier than a private proposal.  No matter how a man decides to propose to a woman, I do think that there are some questions that he needs to ask himself to make the most out of popping the question.

Is this all about me?- The root of my problem with big, flashy engagements stems from the fact that many men that choose this route are big attention seekers.  When asking someone to marry you, you need to carefully consider whether the person you are proposing to would really want the engagement to be a big display.  If you are proposing in front of friends and family, then this may be what she wants too.  On the other hand, if you want to pop the question at a sporting event with the two of you displayed on a big screen monitor, you may be trying to make this all about you.

Sharing a special moment with a stadium full of strangers and a camera zoomed in on her every move is not usually the way most women envision their engagement.  Now of course your beloved may be just as much as an attention seeker as you are, in which case you should remember that a big public proposal still has a slim chance of landing the two of you your own reality television show.

Am I trivializing this event?- A few years ago there were all types of stories popping up about proposals that were delivered via text message.  Recently, there seems to be a recent rash of FaceBook and Twitter proposals in the news, and just like texting, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to take such an important moment and make it so impersonal.  Tiffany at Engagement101 just did a post about these Twitter Proposals, and I have to agree with her assessment that “there’s something tacky about mixing romance and technology.”

Do I really want to hide that ring?- Hiding a ring among a dozen roses or somewhere at her place where she will find it during the day are popular suggestions on lists of proposal ideas, but if the ring isn’t found or gets lost, this plan is disastrous.  Of course if you’re entertaining the idea of “surprising” her with a ring by hiding it in food, you really need to consider just how badly this could go.

Am I making this personal? There are all kinds of companies that have sprung up that promise to create a “personal, never to be forgotten” proposal for you.  As far as the “never to be forgotten” part, the kind of proposal that these companies can create is only limited by your wallet.  They can plan a proposal high up in the Eiffel Tower, on the beach in Maui, and can even arrange for a plane with a “Will you marry me?” banner in these exotic locations.

Of course, I don’t think that any company can create a “personal” proposal for you.  Keep in mind that the first two definitions of “personal” are 1) coming from a particular person and 2) intended for a particular person.  A personal proposal needs to be something that comes from the heart.  The words should express that you want more than anything to spend the rest of your life with her.  If you can convey this sentiment to her, then that is more precious than a fancy location or even a giant diamond.

So there are my “rules of engagement.”  They are not trendy, they don’t require any special abilities and they are not dependent on a large budget.  While it is important to make this event special, it is important to keep things in perspective and remember that a proposal is still merely the first step towards a lifetime together.

So what do you think about proposals? Big and fancy, plain and simple or somewhere in between?  Of course if you’d like to share your engagement stories we’d love to hear those too!  Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

During various times in my marriage I have often thought about her story, because I am the official person “who knows where things are” in my house and I don’t know if my husband would be able to find the sugar and flour without a little guidance from me or maybe a cheat sheet.  I’m confident that he’d head to the pantry, but beyond that I’m not sure that he would be able to locate any of the items required for baking.  Of course in all fairness, if I had to prove that I lived here by finding anything in the garage, I would likely not pass the test either.  Just for fun, I shared this little husband test story with some women on FaceBook and Twitter and asked them what questions they thought their husbands would be least likely to answer correctly as well as which things they themselves would get wrong.  Here are some of their replies:

My Husband Could Not Prove He Lived Here If He Had To:

• Identify spices.  I learned the hard way to double check that he handed me the cinnamon before I add it to my pastry dough.
• Fold the stroller.  He’s learned how to stuff it in the trunk without folding it, even though there’s a lever that folds it right up.  (Actually, I had to pull out the instruction manual before I found it)
• That wedding guest identification would bury him, although it has been 10 years since those photos were taken.
• Run the washing machine.
• Find his keys by himself.
• Know all our birthdays.  It’s the years that throw him, that’s why I fill out all the forms.
• Tell anyone where the dry cleaner is located.
• Find the hair dryer.  He’s used it once.
• Know where we keep the vacuum cleaner.
• Get my middle name right.

I Wouldn’t Be Able to Prove I Was His Wife if I Had to:

• Know anything about the car.  I didn’t know if it was rear wheel drive or front wheel when it broke down and the tow truck driver asked if it was really my car.
• Find the iron.  He irons his own shirts and I like it that way, I don’t want to know where that iron is.
• Find the Christmas lights.  Garage, shed, basement?  They could be anywhere.
• Unclog the sink.
• Use power tools.
• Name the guys in his poker group.  They all look similar and it’s always smoky in the man cave/poker room.

So there you have it, our husband and wife lists of the many things that might cause them to fail a husband or wife test.  I feel pretty confident in saying that unless you live by yourself, it is likely that you don’t know where to find or how to use everything in your home.  I can’t help but think that the immigration worker was most likely not married, because I think that her questions showed no understanding of the separation of tasks that exists in most marriages.  I feel bad for any husbands that were interviewed by that immigration worker after my friend’s husband breezed through his interview, and I hope that they didn’t get deported for not being able to identify all their wives aunts and uncles in the wedding album.

What do you think? What question would be most likely to stump you if you had to prove you lived in your house?  What question would be likely to stump your spouse?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

I received a comment from physician and dating blogger, Bina Patel, who explained that in her practice it seemed that women cheated at least as much as men.  This was a surprise to me, so I set out to find some answers about women and cheating.  I found many statistics that showed rates of cheating among married women and men each coming within a few points of the 50% mark, but these were not scientific studies, so I decided to focus on finding women who were willing to tell me why they cheated.  It has been a long process, but I finally received enough replies to spot some patterns in their replies and share the following results:

Not Satisfied With Marriage was top excuse- Now you’re probably thinking that this one is ridiculously obvious because if you’re cheating you’re not satisfied with your marriage.  Keep in mind though, that many of the men said that they were perfectly happy with their marriage but they found themselves in a situation where they were overcome by chemistry and “it just happened.”  This is not to say that there were not women who cheated purely out of lust, but they certainly were not ready to admit this to us.  In fact, this brings us to the next big difference between the answers from men and women.

More Complicated Answers- I read somewhere that in most situations women use 40% more words than men, and the answers that I received about cheating were no exception.  I didn’t get one instance of the old standbys like “it just happened.”  The women who replied seemed very concerned about stating their case and giving background information.  The women didn’t just tell us that they were dissatisfied with their marriage, they also made a point of letting us know that they had been unhappy for a long time before their affair.  It seemed important to them to state that this wasn’t just some fling and that they were searching for someone who could provide them with something that they felt was missing emotionally in their marriage.

More Likely to Leave for Their Lover?- I put a question mark here because this was  not a scientific study.  It could just as easily be that women who married their lovers were more likely to respond, but nearly half of the women that replied left their husbands.  From what I’ve found on my site and around the web, it does seem that cheating men were more likely to beg to be taken back while women were more likely to stay with their lover.  What I found most troubling about this is that there were quite a few women that seemed to feel that if they went on to marry their lover that this somehow justified the cheating.  There was even one woman who replied that she had cheated on her husband years ago but that she wasn’t really sure if that counted because she has been married for many years to her former lover.  I’m sure that her first husband thinks that it counts, and I do too.

Based on the replies that I received from these women, I sensed that they felt a strong desire to plead the case that they had a “good reason” for cheating.  They wanted to create the impression that cheating was more justified if it stemmed from a long term unhappiness rather than a spur of the moment whim, or if it was done out of love rather than lust.  The problem is that when it comes to explaining why you were late for work or why you were speeding there are “good” and “bad” excuses, but when it comes to cheating there is no such thing as a “good excuse.”

Despite the difference in excuses between men and women, my conclusion is the same as it was for the men–Cheating occurs because of selfishness.  A marriage may not be working for a variety of reasons, but it is time to decide if things are bad enough to end that relationship before getting involved with someone else, not afterward.

So what do you think? Do the different excuses that men and women give for cheating make any difference or are they both just as guilty?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

I felt that it was time to address this topic as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving here in the United States.  During this time we tend to reflect on the things that we are most thankful for in life, especially our families.  For those of us that have children, our children are usually the top of this list.  Of course our children are not a source of joy during every moment of every day, but to imply that couples were happier before they had children is troubling to me.  I have listed the reasons why I feel that these articles claiming that couples are less happy after having children are totally misguided in making this conclusion.

Happiness is More Than Romance- If you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, you’ve probably discovered that romance comes in cycles.  Being treated to gifts of flowers and candlelit dinners tends to decrease in frequency after the initial “courting” stage, and over time these romantic gestures tend to be reserved for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.  Now I do agree that after children the amount of “romance” in a relationship does decrease for quite awhile.  When you’re spending most of your time and energy caring for small children, there’s not much left over to devote to romance.

Despite less time for traditional romance, I don’t believe that happiness in a relationship decreases every time romance decreases.  I think that many of the romantic gestures from the pre-children stage of our relationship are replaced with acts of love from our partner that are more lasting than fleeting romantic gestures.  For example, any woman who has heard her husband proclaim “I’ll get the baby” when they are abruptly awoken by crying in the middle of the night knows that no amount of candlelit dinners and flowers can replace the surge of love that she feels for him at that time.  I also think that even the toughest of men can have their hearts melt as they watch their wife undergo the pain of child birth to bring the baby that is a part of both of them into the world.

Children Reveal Us for What We Are- It has been said that marriage reveals a person for who they really are and that children reveal a marriage for what it really is.  Whether it is surviving sleep deprived nights, a toddler who has mastered “no,” or a teen who is trying to rebel, much of our “true self” is revealed during the challenges of raising kids.  Some of us are ready to be seen by our partner at both our best and our worst, but many are not.  I have heard people say that they could not imagine loving their partner more than they already did until they saw how loving they were with their child.  Unfortunately, I have also heard people say that they never really knew their partner until they were raising a child together and they discovered things about their partner, especially in the areas of morality and religion, that they didn’t like and didn’t want to see passed on to their child.

Happiness Lost or Hoping for Happiness- I don’t usually feel the need to question whether someone is truly happy or not, but I can’t help but question whether or not a couple was really happy if they say that their happiness declined after having a child.  I’ve heard couples say that they hoped that a child would fill a void in their marriage, and then complain that having a child was not at all the way they thought it would be.  If you are counting on happiness being given to you by someone else, whether it is a spouse or a child, then you are destined to be disappointed when that happiness is not provided to you.  Happiness can be enhanced by those who touch our lives, but it cannot be given to us by anyone but ourselves.

So yes, having a child is a lot of work and it certainly can cause strain on a couple and even change their notion of romance.  I don’t believe for a minute though, that a little less romance equals less happiness when the decline in romance is due to the duties of parenting rather than just choosing to neglect devoting any time to romance.  I also think that much of the decline in romance happens early in the child rearing process and that over time as children get older and parents adjust to parenting, that the romance in a relationship often makes a comeback.  I firmly believe that even couples that are at a low point in their relationship when it comes to romance will be listing their kids as number one as they list what they are thankful for during all Thanksgiving celebrations.

So what do you think? Do couples need to fear that they will be less happy after they have children, or should they just ignore articles that make this claim?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

This brings me to today’s topic of body language.  It’s not surprising that many of us believe that if we just understand more about body language that we could become walking lie detectors and never have to wonder if a person is lying ever again.  We see body language experts all over TV, who specialize in telling us what politicians “really mean” when they’re giving speeches as revealed by their body language.  There are also are those great crime shows where the lead investigator is able to conclude that a person is guilty or innocent despite misleading evidence because they carefully observe the suspect’s mannerisms.  So, is it really that simple?  Cross check your date’s behavior against “classic lying behaviors” and you can interpret the meaning behind their words?  Well, to find out I asked a variety of body language experts to help me identify the most common behaviors that indicate that someone may be lying.

Body Language That May Indicate Deceit:

• Lack of eye contact, shifting eyes
• Sudden fidgeting
• Move back or turn away while speaking
• Stiffening of posture
• Quicker breathing

With that said, there are still some precautions that you should be aware of when you are observing someones body language.  So here are some qualifiers that our experts thought that you should be aware of before you break out the body language books and proclaim yourself an authority on spotting a liar through these techniques.

Things to Take into Consideration When Observing Body Language:

Don’t Be Too Hasty-  Body language that frequently indicates lying, like lack of eye contact and fidgeting, still need to be put into the context of the situation.  Some people show these behaviors when they are nervous, which is common on the first few dates for many people.  If you notice that someone is fidgeting during the entire date, it is more likely that this is from nerves rather than indicating that they are lying about everything that they say.  Which brings us to the next interpretation tip.

Look for Patterns-  Body language experts often observe a person in a variety of situations before they start interpreting what their body language means.  For example, in those great videos when we hear experts interpret what a politician’s body language revealed about parts of his or her speech, the expert will have first watched several speeches by this person to look for patterns as to what topics are being covered when they exhibit various behaviors.  Not every behavior means the same thing for every person.

Deciphering Body Language is Not Mind Reading- It is tempting to want to proceed with interpreting the facts behind the lie once we feel that we’ve determined that someone is truly lying.  For instance, lets say you’ve determined a pattern of behavior that indicates lying every time a man speaks about being divorced.  We may want to jump to the conclusion that he’s not really divorced, but that is a big leap to make.  For example, I have a friend who gets very uncomfortable when talking about being divorced, because she’s been divorced three times.  Now that may or may not bother someone who dates her, but it’s a far cry from someone assuming that she is still married and looking for some action on the side.

So, with all of the precautions in place about not getting carried away with what reading body language can tell us about whether a person is lying, it is definitely something that you should take the time to observe.  Many experts state that as much as 90% of what we communicate is done through our body language rather than our words.  Body language interpretation is not fool proof and you will still need to ask many questions to really find out about a person,  but it can point you in the right direction as to which questions are most important to get answered for the particular person that you are trying to get to know better.

I’d like to thank the following body language experts for their insights.

Author Barry Maher of BarryMaher.com

Speaker, Linda Talley of Body Language Blog

Dating Coach, Briddick Webb of Attractology.com

Speaker, Shari Alexander of PresentingMatters.com

What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts on body language.  Do you take it into consideration when you think someone is lying?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

For the most part, I think that the changes are positive in the way society defines men and the role of men.  I think it’s great that we view helping with the housework and caring for the kids as natural for a man, versus a time when even men who had many children had never changed a diaper.  I have to admit that I do have trouble expanding my view of men when it comes to the metrosexual type of man who heads to the salon to get manicures or highlights in his hair.  Some women like that these men put so much time into their appearance, while others are uncomfortable with the idea of men who devote so much time to their appearance.  What is it that makes women like me uncomfortable with this new breed of men?  I have made a list of the things that I find most troublesome about men who spend so much time grooming.

Bathroom Space- It used to be that men’s grooming products consisted of soap, shaving cream and a razor.  These days there are entire lines of men’s hair care and skin care that involve multiple products and multiple steps to use them properly.  Aside from the large amount of space that these additional products require, there is the extra space that the man will be taking up while he is using all of these products instead of being out from in front of the mirror after the few minutes that it takes to shave.

Time to Get Ready- Most men I know can be ready for a formal occasion within 10 minutes even if they have just finished a workout.   Shower, shave, get dressed and they’re ready to go.  I admit that I can easily take an hour to get ready for a big occasion.  The hair and makeup take awhile, and then I usually need to try on at least three outfits with a variety of accessories before I’m ready.  I can’t imagine that we would ever get out of the house if my husband also needed an hour to get ready.  Plus, big part of why I am ready within an hour is that my husband has been ready and waiting for 50 minutes out of that hour and has started repeatedly asking “Are you ready yet?” which does speed me up even if I won’t admit this to him.

Expense- Extensive grooming costs way more than basic grooming.  All those extra grooming products cost money and so do all the extra grooming services.  A haircut at the barbershop is a bargain compared to a trip to the salon complete with wash, cut, color and styling.  I know it sounds sexist to say that these expenses are unnecessary for a man, but I can’t help it, that’s just the way I see it.

Clothes- If you compare a man’s suit from the 1950’s to a modern suit they look pretty much identical.  Yes, along the way there have been trends.  There were leisure suits, skinny ties and those corduroy sport coats with the patches at the elbow, but for men who didn’t want to be bothered with trends they could keep the same suit until it wore out.

The same goes with the casual standby, the jeans and tee shirt.  Yes, there are jeans that come in a variety of cuts and rises, but if you stick with basics, a man can wear a tee shirt and pair of jeans until they wear out (or at least until his wife turns them into cleaning rags.)  The Guys over at The Guys Perspective just wrote a post about men and clothes, and I have to admit that I can relate to the idea of a man who wants to wear his ratty old shirt much more than men who want to wear what was featured at Fashion Week.

Self-Centered- Everyone has a certain amount of vanity about their appearance, but if someone shows too much vanity, we view them as self centered.  Most of us are much quicker to label a man as being self centered because of the attention that he gives to his appearance than we would be for a woman.  I’ve heard women comment that a guy must be a jerk because he has perfectly blow dried hair and seems to check his appearance in every mirror that he passes.  We probably wouldn’t be so quick to label a woman the same way.  I admit I’m guilty of this attitude too.  I don’t expect a guy to check his appearance when he passes a mirror unless he’s just eaten something that may have gotten stuck between his front teeth.

Crossing the Feminine Line- For many women there’s just something that seems “too feminine” about these metrosexual men.  Many of the things that they do, like getting manicures or expensive haircuts are behaviors that have been the exclusive territory of women for a long time.  It obviously doesn’t mean that a man is gay because he cares for his appearance to this degree, but fair or not, it will make some women question his sexuality.

So yes, the role of men has evolved in many ways but the image of the extremely well groomed metrosexual male seems to be more commom in magazines and television than it is in real life.  There are still many women like me, who just cannot understand the appeal of a man who spends too much time on his appearance.  Lucky for us, there are also many men who for whatever reason have no desire to devote so much time, energy and money to their appearance.

What do you think? Ladies, do you prefer ultra groomed men or men who don’t bother with all that?  Men, just how much time do you put into your appearance?  If you do love to be well groomed, do you do it for yourself or to appeal to the ladies?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section!

Can You Support Yourselves?- Back when I got married this didn’t seem to be an issue.  You got married when you had a little money saved and had a good enough job to pay the rent, or if you were a big saver, buy a house.  I know many parents these days that are supporting grown children in their late twenties who have never had to support themselves.

I’ve even heard a few say that if their adult child does was to get married that they would be willing to “help them out” while they finish school, look for a job, etc.  Helping out is great if it means parents buying the couple a nice piece of furniture to get started, but helping out is not so great if it means that the parents will be sending them a check every month to cover the rent.  This isn’t to say that a couple will never fall on hard times and need help from their families, but if you won’t have the means to support yourselves at the start of the marriage, then this is not the right time to get married.

Do You Know if Your Core Values are the Same?- Dorothy over at Women’s Self Esteem just did a post about opposites attracting. It got me thinking,  because on the surface, my husband and I are opposites in many ways.  He’s very outgoing and I’m more reserved, he’s spontaneous and I take forever to make a decision and as I’ve mentioned in other posts, he’s a spender and I’m a saver.  Despite these differences, beneath the surface we are very much the same.  We have the same views of what marriage should be, we agree on the values that we want to instill in our children and we agree on the importance of God in our lives.

You can have many surface differences and still make a marriage work, but there is very little room for differences at that inner most level.  It can take longer for some couples than others to truly be able to answer if their core values are the same.  If you can’t answer a definitive yes, then you need more time to get to know each other before you consider getting married.

Are You Waiting for a Perfect Time?-  Some couples seem to really want to get married but they’re convinced that it’s not the right time.  Now assuming that “waiting for a better time” is not just a stalling tactic, I am of the school of thought that there is never a perfect time for any of life’s big decisions.   I do think that there can be bad times to get married, like if you have lost your job or are dealing with a family crisis.  But I think that odds are that if you can rule out it being a bad time to marry that it is likely to be the best timing that you are going to get.

We all have hopes that the future will bring good things our way, like a higher salary, a promotion at work or more job security.  If the only thing holding you back from marrying is the arrival of that perfect time, then it is time to move forward or take a hard look at whether there is some other reason holding you back.  I know couples who always seem to think that the future will hold that perfect time to get married when they are set in their careers or they can afford their dream wedding, dream Honeymoon and dream house all at once.  Many of them have been saying “next year” for ten years or more.

So, if you want to get married and you’re just trying to decide when, ask yourself these questions and see where they lead you.  If they show that you should wait, then by all means wait.  On the other hand, if they show that the only thing you’re waiting for is the perfect time, then get a move on.

When do you think a couple should get married? Is it all right to start out supported by mom and dad?  How well do you need to know each other?  And is there a perfect time?  Please share your opinions in the comments section