Friends with Benefits (FWB): Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.  Typically two good friends who have casual sex without any kind of commitment.

Not surprisingly, it is often people in their mid-twenties and younger that often tout the advantages of these types of FWB relationships, although there are an increasing number of bloggers in their mid-thirties that are also strong advocates of this type of arrangement.  No matter how many times I read stories about people that are very content with these types of relationships, I just don’t believe that two people can have a physical relationship and both be happy with “just keeping it casual.”  Here are the main problems that I see with this notion that a relationship can be casual and sexual at the same time.

Ongoing and Casual? Despite how much people that enjoy these relationships talk about the benefits of the “casual sex” that their FWB provides, I don’t think that a relationship that is ongoing is really casual.  If the desire from both people were really just to go out and have casual sex, then they would sleep with each other and then move on to someone else.  The fact that they repeatedly sleep with this “friend,” even if they take a break when one of the two is involved in a romantic relationship with someone else, implies that there is an ongoing relationship that is something more than truly “casual.”

One is Content, One Wants More- Usually we just hear from one person involved in a friends with benefits relationship, and they often tell us how well this works out.   They talk about how they have this great friend that they can go to the movies with or even get relationship advice from when they are in a relationship, yet if they are “between relationships” this person is available to satisfy their physical needs.  They make it sound so simple, that it’s tempting to believe that this is true, but of course this is just one side of the story.

On the occasions when we have gotten both sides of the story, it never sounds nearly this simple.  The answers from one of the “friends” always seems to include a longing to be more than “just friends.”  They seem to have agreed to this situation with the hopes that it would evolve into a romantic relationship rather than because they’re perfectly happy this FWB arrangement.  We tackled the friends with benefits topic in our Advice Panel video series, and many of the vloggers and people that they interviewed originally felt that these relationships could work, but over time they changed their views.  It seems that how positive you feel about these relationships depends on whether you view yourself as being on the giving end or on the receiving end.

No Good Ending- Since we usually do find that one person is less than satisfied with a friends with benefits relationship, there really isn’t a good ending for either person.  The person who wants more out of the relationship has obviously set him or herself up for heartache, when the relationship does not evolve into a romantic, committed relationship.  Even the person who is happy with the status of the relationship often ends up miserable, because many of them do describe their friend with benefits as one of their closest friends.  Although it seems obvious to me that hoping to casually sleep with a best friend is a surefire way to lose a friend, I’m often surprised by just how miserable these people are when they lose a good friend after trying to turn a friendship into a friends with benefits situation.

So, no matter how many times I hear that a friends with benefits relationship is the “best of both worlds,” I just don’t believe it.  I think that a relationship is changed forever once two people are intimate and that they can never go back to being “just friends.”  Apparently both people in the relationship don’t always realize that the nature of the relationship was changed in a fundamental way once the relationship became physical, which is why I think that so many people are willing to declare these arrangements a success.

What do you think? Can two people continue to merely be friends once the relationship has become physical?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

First of all, whether there is “fiddling” or not, a man is necessary for creating a baby.  More importantly, this notion is an insult to loving  fathers everywhere, and it marginalizes the importance of their role in child rearing.  Here are some of the strange notions being cited to advocate this idea that a woman doesn’t need a man when she wants to have a child, along with my opinions of why each notion is flawed.

Many Women Can Afford To Raise Kids on Their Own- Yes, I agree that it’s great that Jen’s kids will not live in poverty, like so many of the children raised by single moms, if she chooses this option.  What I don’t understand is how anyone can think that this implies that a dad isn’t needed just because mom makes a great income.  A few years back there were many articles about celebrity single moms who were looking to hire a “manny” (male nanny) so that their children could grow up with a male role model.  This seems to have fallen out of vogue, as I’m sure that these women discovered that just as “money can’t buy you love” money also cannot buy a loving father.

Women Have a Biological Clock. Should That Deprive Them of a Child?-  I sympathize with women who want to be mothers, but haven’t found a man that they want to marry by the time that biological clock is winding down.  Despite that, I can’t help but feel that women who tout this argument are putting their own needs over the needs of their future child.  I understand women not wanting to be deprived of the chance to a be a mother, but I don’t think that this should be at the expense of  deliberately depriving a child of having a father in their life.

The Number of Single Moms Proves Women Don’t Need Men- This is an argument that I usually hear from single women who don’t have children.  Let’s not forget that the majority of single moms are not single by choice.  In fact, many single moms are the biggest proponents for the importance of a father in a child’s life.  I hear from single moms all the time who have worked hard to maintain an amicable relationship with their exes despite their personal feelings because they understand how important fathers are in the lives of their children.

Unfortunately, we also hear from many single moms whose exes are not active in the lives of their children.  Here is a quote that is typical of the stories that single moms dealing with absentee dad share with us: “I think I do a good job of being mom and dad, but I want to cry when I see the neighbor kids playing catch with their dad, my kids deserve a dad like that.”  So yes, while these women feel that they are capable of raising children on their own, I don’t hear them advocating that children can grow up without a father without any negative consequences.

Rather than searching for words to sum up my feelings about women choosing to become single moms, I’ll leave you with these words from a commenter on the Yahoo article who grew up without a father. “My dad died when I was seven. Having grown up without a father had a major influence on my life and the choices I made. I can’t imagine anyone intentionally depriving a child of that relationship. Yes, woman are CAPABLE of doing it alone, but that doesn’t mean everything turns out ok. Yes, there are terrible fathers out there who DO stick around. But overall, a child should have both parents.”

What do you think? Should a woman willingly set out to become a single mom?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Wedlock- Maybe it’s because it sounds so similar to headlock or maybe it’s just the inclusion of the word “lock” that makes this term sound so unappealing.  Either way, it sounds likes something that is meant to trap you against your will, and does not conjure up happy images.

Tying the Knot- I’ve read varying accounts of how this expression came to refer to marriage and most have to do with stories about wedding ceremonies where the bride and groom would be tied together to symbolize being “bound together.”  Most people don’t relish in the idea of marriage being the equivalent of a physical restriction.  When people talk about “being tied down” by marriage, it is certainly not meant to express their happiness with marriage.

I did find one romantic legend regarding this term that tells a tale of sailors proposing be sending their sweetheart a length of rope and knowing that the proposal was accepted if the rope was return to them with a knot tied in it.  Despite that sweet tale, knots are more often used to describe a situation that involves a tangle or a hindrance, rather than the more romantic notion of two things being intertwined as one.

Institution of Marriage- Most people don’t view the word “institution” in a very favorable way.  School, prison and mental hospitals some of the most common places that are referred to as institutions, and we tend to view them as places that are mandatory under certain circumstances, not something that we would freely choose.

Marriage License- Yes, this little piece of paper makes it official that you are married in the eyes of the law.  Many states have started to refer to this document as a marriage certificate, and that really isn’t surprising.  There is something about a certificate that we associate with achievement, while there is something about obtaining a license that we associate with standing in long lines and perhaps taking a test.  Obtaining any type of license is not usually something that we get all excited about.

Bridegroom- For centuries this was the official term for a man about to be married, but for the most part this term has been replaced with the word “groom.”  This isn’t surprising, because bridegroom sounds eerily like a man has gone from being a man to being a strange hybrid that is part bride and part groom.  Marriage is a merging in many ways, but most men don’t want to feel that they have gone from being a man to being part man and part woman.

So there you have some of the most common negative terms that are associated with marriage, courtesy of our own research and suggestion from our loyal Twitter followers.  Marriage has changed in many ways since the days when women wore corsets and a proper gentleman didn’t go out in public without a hat.  The terms that we associate with marriage could also use a little updating, especially when it comes to giving marriage a positive sound.  It would nice to have more words that make marriage sound like something that should be celebrated rather than words that make it sound like a punishment.

What do you think? What are your thoughts about these terms?  Any terms you’d like to add?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Other Fun Relationship Posts
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Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman.  It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize  undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash.  It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.

When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time.  Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.”  From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.

One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them.  I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values.  If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.

I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her.  When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision.  It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision.  Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.

Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into.  As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor.  No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.

It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy.  In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation   that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it.  The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around.  Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.

So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them.  On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious.  When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.

What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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I decided to do some digging to see if counseling really tends to help marriages or not.  I found a study from the University of Chicago which surveyed couples who claim to have turned around previously unhappy marriages.  In this study, 1/3 of the couples interviewed had sought counseling, and the majority of these couples did not feel that counseling made any significant contribution to saving their marriage.  We’ve had much the same input on LuvemOrLeavem with couples either feeling that counseling was of no value to them and sometimes made things worse.  Here are some of the main complaints that we’ve heard about marriage counseling:

Climate Setting- Very often, one person suggests that counseling be sought, and the other simply goes along with this request.  Many of the spouses who went to counseling at the request of their spouse felt very strongly that the decision to end the marriage had already been made.  They expressed the feeling that their spouse wanted to set the tone for how unhappy they were by asking that they attend counseling rather than flat out asking for a divorce.  I can understand how this can happen, but I think that it’s unfair to mislead someone into thinking that counseling is an attempt to save the marriage if the true  purpose is to help the spouse understand that the marriage is over.

Counselors Who Are Divorced- I’m not prepared to say that a counselor who has been divorced cannot properly counsel a couple, but I can understand why a person would be leery of the high number of marriage counselors that do seem to be divorced.  We received one letter from a woman who was outraged to discover that the counselor who was supposed to be working to help her save her marriage had been previously been married three times.  Yes, I understand that they went to school for this and are credentialed, but this scenario still feels very similar to going to an orthodontist with horribly crooked teeth.

Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?-  I am always surprised at the number of women who tell us  how great their “marriage counselor” as they then go on to explain how much their counselor helped them cope after their divorce.  While I’m glad that counseling helped them, I can’t help but wonder why their expertise was more in the area of divorce than the area of marriage.

All Talk and No Action- One of the biggest complaints that couples shared with us is that they felt that their weekly sessions were  more about sharing their problems rather than solving these problems.  Sometimes it feels great to get things out, but sharing what you feel is wrong about your spouse and your marriage can just lead to bad feelings if you don’t get beyond the “airing out” stage.  Several of these couples had been in counseling for over a year and felt that there was no end in sight for when the would done with counseling.

So while I do feel strongly that unhappy marriages can be saved, I still don’t feel convinced that counseling plays a significant role in saving most marriages.  The stories that we’ve received and the study that I mentioned seem to show that I am not alone in questioning just how helpful counseling is when it comes to saving marriages.  It is impossible to say whether the counseling itself is flawed or whether many of the couples seek counseling do so after being unhappy for such a long time that it that much harder to save the marriage.  One thing that is certain is that if you do start to feel that your marriage may benefit from counseling, it is best to seek help early and to choose your counselor very carefully.

What do you think? Do you believe that marriage counseling can save a marriage?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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In general, there are 3 main types of couples that live together.  To determine whether or not living together is something that is right for you, you need to decide which category you fall into and take a good look at what being in that situation means for you and the future of your relationship. Since people change and grow, it is certainly possible that you may start out in one category and move into a different category over time.  The important thing to remember is that if  living together doesn’t feel right to you, then this is not an option that you should consider no matter how much you love your partner.

Although there are many subcategories, here are the broad categories for couples who live together:

Both Partners Want to Live Together- Some people move in together and have no intention of getting married, while others are open to the notion of marriage “down the line” but they don’t want this commitment at the moment.  Other couples are totally unsure what they want in the future, but they are at the point where they spend so much time with each other that maintaining two separate residences doesn’t make sense financially or logistically.  In any of these situations, if both partners are equally comfortable with the idea of living together, then they may very well be one of those couples that can happily live together for years and years.  The key is that this situation is what they both want and it is not a compromise for either partner.

On the Road to Marriage- This is a couple that plans on living together for a set amount of time until they get married.  They may have school to finish, or they may have decided that there is no point in renewing an expiring lease when they are so close to being wed.  These couples are often engaged and planning the wedding, but some couples are not quite this far along.  This couple is different from the “some day we’ll get married couple” because they have a firm plan in place and a time frame for when they will get married.  Of course if those plans change or that set wedding date gets moved out, this couple can easily fall into one of the other categories.

The Compromise Couple- This is the couple where one partner is ready for marriage now, and the other partner either never wants to be married or wants to get married “eventually.”  It is this category that often has women posting stories of heartbreak on LuvemOrLeavem, and it is a situation that I always warn women against.  If a woman is at the point where she is ready for marriage and her man will not propose, then living together is not going to convince this man to marry her.

In these situations, living together just prolongs the cycle of the couple being at two different stages in their lives, for two reasons.  1) He feels that he is meeting her need to take the relationship to the next level by moving in together.  2) She feels that they are a step closer to getting married now that they are living together.  In reality, they are both still in the same two vastly different places regarding marriage and commitment.  The only thing that has changed is that they are now living under the same roof despite wanting such different outcomes from this relationship.

So the real answer to whether or not you should live together is determined by what you truly want out of your relationship.  If your goal is marriage, then you should not live together unless you are so far along the wedding path (ie. the invitations have been sent and the caterer is booked) that living together will not change anything.  If you do find that the compromise couple best defines your relationship either because you started out this way or because you are no longer happy just living together, then the best thing to do is move out.  Being at two different places in your lives regarding marriage cannot be changed by living together no matter how much love and energy you put into trying to make this happen.

What do you think about living together?  When can it work and when should it be avoided?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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The situation is nowhere near that simple though, since in most cases the natural mother plays the main role or a major role in the lives of these children.  I found that many stepmothers did indeed refer to their step children as “his children” despite the large role that many of them play in raising their stepchildren.  These women do not refer to their partner’s children as “his children” because they in any way resemble the “wicked stepmothers” of fairy tales fame.  Instead, they refer to the children this way because experience has shown them that their role is filled with parenting responsibilities but is lacking the full authority that both natural parents have.

So just what are the problems that women grapple with when deciding whether or not their relationship can survive being a stepmother to his children?  Here are the top issues these women have posted on LuvemOrLeavem:

Disney Dad- The Disney Dad is the dad who just wants to deal with the “fun part” of parenting.  These are often the men who get a limited amount of time with their children.  When they do get time with them, they often have no desire to be a disciplinarian.  As much as these dads may want to focus on having fun with their kids, there is no such thing as a hiatus from enforcing the rules.

What is especially bad for the women involved with these dads is that while dad is having fun with the kids, the women are often the target of these badly behaved kids.  Everything from disrespectful behavior to a total lack of appreciation is often dealt with by the stepmothers.  If the woman has children of her own, the situation can quickly be out of control as she fears that her children will pick up these bad behaviors or may merely question why the house rules that apply to them don’t apply to the step children.

Infringing Ex-  When a man’s ex-wife is still part of his life, it is always stressful for the new wife to understand where she fits into his life.  When that ex-wife is the mother of his children, the amount of interaction with the ex-wife is much more frequent and has the potential to create a steady stream of awkward situations.  If there are disputes about shared custody or visitation schedules, the stepmother often finds herself right in the middle of constant disputes that are supposedly only disputes between both parents.

No Bonding- One of the most common situations that we hear about is from women who just can’t bond with their stepchildren.  Most women enter these  marriages assuming that stepchildren that don’t like them will warm up to them over time.  Sometimes this happens, but like everything that has to do with parenting, there are no guarantees.

The women who never bond with their stepchildren or who don’t bond to the degree that view as “healthy” often feel bad about themselves and their marriage.  It can put a lot of stress on a marriage when a woman feels this way.  Sometimes the children are still healing from the parents’ divorce, and sometimes they just can’t seem to share their father’s time and love with his new wife.  The balance for the stepmother is really trying to improve the aspects that can be improved, while learning to accept the parts of the relationship that they have no control over.

So there are the most common scenarios that are submitted to us by stepmothers and women who are thinking of becoming stepmothers.  If these situations sound familiar to you, you can find a place devoted to the ups and downs of being a stepmother at StepsForStepMothers.com.  The site is run by therapist, author and stepmother, Dr. Rachelle Katz.  In her new book, The Happy Stepmother, Dr. Katz outlines 10 steps that women can use to take action in improving their quality of life as a stepmother rather than feeling helpless.  This is especially important for stepmothers and stepmothers to be, because a sense of helplessness is every bit as prominent as a sense of doubt in the stories that we receive from these women.

What do you think? What special challenges do you think that stepmothers face?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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The Gold Digger- This is the women who sees the man she is dating as a blank check.  She is similar to the male “freeloader,” but the freeloader is often easier to spot because he is usually looking for a women who works so that he doesn’t have to work.  The Gold Digger will usually have a job,  but she has expensive taste that exceeds her means and she evaluates her man by what he can buy her.  The poor guys who date these women find that once the Gold Digger drains his wallet she has lost all interest in him and is ready to find a new man to finance her expensive habits.  If a women asks you for expensive gifts or only wants to go to very expensive restaurants and orders the most expensive items, then run, you have just met the Gold Digger.

Wants to Change You- This one was mentioned by nearly every man who responded to this question on Twitter.  Now quite a few men felt strongly that all women want to change at least one thing about their man, and I much as I’d like to say that they’re wrong, I can’t quite say it with a straight face.  The women in this category are different than the woman who simply hopes to get her man to dress a little better or hopes he’ll learn to appreciate the subtle humor that is found in a romantic comedy.

The women in this category are the ones who either want to change something major about a man or they have a laundry list of “small changes” that they would like to see you make.  In either case, it will be much simpler if the woman who wishes to see all these changes will just find a different man.  Let’s face it, if you make all of the changes she wants, you will not recognize yourself any more.  Interestingly, this was the only item that appeared consistently in the lists from men about women and not once in the lists that women had about men.  Mark Twain once said that women marry a man hoping to change him, while men marry a woman hoping that she will never change, so I guess this great writer knew what he was talking about.

Can’t Give You Space- In some ways, this women resembles the male stalker, but unlike the stalker, most men felt that these women acted out of insecurity rather than a need to be controlling.  These women are not likely to stop you from going somewhere without them, but you are likely be pressed with inquisition style questions about why she can’t join you before you finally make it out the door.  You may think that you’ve achieved freedom once you get out on your own,  but it is not that simple.  Be prepared for your phone to start ringing as soon as you leave, and when you do get home, get ready for the guilt trip.

The problem with these women is self esteem.  They take it personally when you want to spend time without them and they view it as a threat to your relationship when you are apart.  Many men fall into the trap of thinking that at some point these women will naturally adjust to his need to have some space as the relationship continues.  Unfortunately, the fact that the relationship has continued is not reassuring to women with this level of insecurity.  Over time she is much more likely to put more effort into restricting his time without her rather than reducing these efforts.  If you enjoy your space and this type of women sounds like the woman that you are dating, then it is time to walk (or run) away.

So there is our top 3 list of types of women to run from based on feedback from all our wonderful male Twitter followers.  We know that there are many more types, but these do seem to cover the complaints that we hear most often.  If you find yourself dating one of these women, then consider yourself warned.

What do you think? Do you know women like the ones we’ve listed here?  Do you have more types to add?  Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

Related Post: Types of Men to Run From

The Secretive Guy- No one expects a person to pour out their entire past early in a relationship, but it should also be a big red flag if a person can’t give you straight-forward answers to simple questions. We’ve received stories from women who have dated men for years and still don’t know what he does for a living or have never been to his home. If a guy won’t give you a straightforward answer about where he lives or where he works, then whatever he is hiding from you is something that would make you want to leave the relationship if you knew about it.

The Freeloader- Lots of people are down on their luck and have lost jobs over the past few years, but the freeloader is a whole different breed. In good times and bad times, this guy doesn’t have a job, and he often has a very complex reason for why it is that he can’t find a job. His story is so good, because it has been well rehearsed through years of practice. If he has never held a job for any length of time and his job search is being conducted while he’s on your couch eating your food, it’s time to send him packing.

The Negative Guy- We’re not talking about a guy who is merely having a bad day, we’re talking about the type of guy who is having a perpetually bad day. There are some men who just don’t have a positive word to say about anyone or anything, and over time this starts to wear on everyone that is close to them. As much as you may hope that this is a phase, if you have never seen the guy that you are dating in a happy, cheerful mood, then it is time to move on before you start to be as negative as he is.

Talks About His Ex- No one should spend any length of time talking about an ex when they are out on a date. Whether he has good things to say about his ex or bad things, this guy is trouble. It also doesn’t matter whether the break up is recent or happened years ago for the woman dating this type of guy. If it is a recent breakup, then he may get over her in time, but there is no point waiting it out. Walk away and if he calls you in a few months when he is truly over his ex, then you can always decide at that point if you want to give him another chance or not.

The Stalker- It can be romantic when the guy you’re dating shows up unexpectedly to surprise you. Of course if he regularly shows up unexpectedly to check up on you, or because he doesn’t want you going anywhere without him, then he has ventured into stalker territory. Once he’s entered the stalker zone, odds are that his behavior will become progressively more controlling. Walk away from these guys before it reaches the point where you start to fear them.

The Narcissist- Most people like to talk about themselves, but if your conversations are like an infomercial about how great he is, then you are probably dating a narcissist. If you can’t get a word in edge wise and you never get a chance to talk about topics that you want to discuss, then it’s time to go. People are usually on their best behavior early in the dating process, so if he is already dismissing what you want to say, then this isn’t going to change.

So, there are our top picks for the types of men to run from. If a guy falls into one of these categories, don’t be tempted to get to know him better. Relationships with these types of men are destined to be on a downward spiral. To be fair to the guys, our next topic will be “types of women to run from,” and I know that there are plenty of those too!

What do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments section about the types of men that you think women should run from. (or let us know the types of women men should run from if you’d like to contribute to next week’s topic)

1. First marriage for both the husband and wife
2. Lasts less than 5 years
3. There are no children
4. The couple is divorced by approximately age 30

The authors that use the term “starter marriage” describe these marriages more as a rite of passage than a mistake.  They also advocate the idea that they are now better prepared for a lifetime of marriage after having completed this “starter phase.”  I take issue with both of these notions, because I think they cheapen what marriage is meant to be, as well as glossing over of the pain that usually accompanies divorce.

I know people who have gone through difficult divorces, and others who have gone through amicable divorces.  Of all the divorced women that I know, I have never met any who would describe their divorce experience as “overwhelmingly fantastic” like the author of one of the many starter marriage books.  She glibly describes a “starter marriage” as if it were just a step along the path to a lasting marriage in much the same way that a “starter home” is a step towards buying a home that you want to live in for a lifetime.  Here are some of that main aspects that I take issue with when it comes to all the writings that tout the benefits of these short marriages:

Attitudes Affect Outcomes- It is not enough to make a marriage last a lifetime just by heading into it with a positive attitude, but I do think that heading into a marriage with the notion that it may not last is a guarantee that it will not last.  It’s one thing to be coming out of a divorce and viewing divorce as something that doesn’t have to destroy your life.  The situation is totally different when you are entering into a marriage and already thinking that a divorce down the line does not have to destroy your life.

How About Learning By Dating- One of the main arguments in articles that discuss the “benefits” of starter marriages is the notion that these people were not ready to be married in the first place.  The authors then go on to discuss how much better it is that the couple divorced rather than staying in a marriage that they were not ready to enter.  I agree that people need to be mature enough to be married and that they should never succumb to the pressure of getting married before they are ready.  To me this just makes a good case for waiting to get married until you are ready, it doesn’t make a case for jumping into a marriage that you aren’t ready for.

Marriage Lessons Are Not Learned Quickly- No matter how well you know your spouse and feel that you have this whole marriage thing down pat, there will be times when you feel that all the rules have been changed.  It may be the birth of a child, a layoff, or an illness, but at some point in your marriage you will realize that your relationship has changed and that the way you are dealing with your spouse needs to change as well in order for your marriage to survive.  The majority of the people writing about these starter marriages had marriages that lasted in the 2 to 3 year range.  I’m not dismissing what you can learn about yourself and about life in that time frame, but there are limits.  I think that these people are fooling themselves if they honestly believe that they are fully prepared to make their next marriage last a lifetime merely because they were briefly married.

So no, I don’t buy into this concept of calling early divorces “starter marriages” and making a case that they can be positive for society by providing some type of marital training ground that will be beneficial later in life.  I do agree with the notion that a couple should not consider having children if they have doubts about a marriage lasting, but I would take it a step further and argue that a couple should not get married in the first place if they have so many doubts about a marriage lasting.  Of all of the many “lessons” that these authors claim to have learned during these “starter marriages” I didn’t read one that wouldn’t have been better learned by just waiting to get married.  Yes, we learn by making mistakes, but this doesn’t mean that we should jump head first into what is likely to be a mistake in the hopes that this will speed along the learning process.

What do you think about the term “starter marriage?”  Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

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Statistics show that most divorces happen within the first ten years of marriage, so we often have the impression that long term marriages are “divorce proof.”  Even though divorce after 40 years of marriage is a rare occurrence statistically, recent trends suggest that the number of couples getting divorced after 20, 30 and even 40 years of marriage is on the rise.

There isn’t anywhere near the amount of data for long term marriages that end in divorce as there is for couples who divorce in the early years of marriage.   However, there is some data emerging  based on interviews with couples divorcing after more than 25 years of marriage.  Here are three of the major findings that are emerging from this research  to help explain why the number of couples who are divorcing after more than 25 years of marriage is steadily increasing.

Staying Together for the Children- It is certainly not a new concept to avoid divorce for the sake of a couple’s children, but it does present a difficult situation once these children are grown.  Marriage researchers report that even couples who claim to have been happy throughout their marriage need to put forth extra effort to rediscover each other once their children grow up and leave home.  For those couples who were merely hanging in there for the children, divorce is usually the next step rather than embarking on this path of rediscovery.

Redefining the Golden Years- It used to be that when people were in their late 50′s and early 60′s they were expected to start planning for a relaxing retirement.  These days, people in this age group are more active than ever.  Some have no plans to retire, some are embarking on second careers, while others enjoy hobbies like riding motorcycles or rock climbing that they would have been considered “too old to do” a generation ago.

Changing Expectations of Marriage- Going hand in hand with our redefining of these so called golden years, are the personal expectations that people have regarding their relationships and their happiness.  Love and intimacy are now viewed as crucial aspects of a marriage at any stage of life, not just in the younger years.  Those that no longer find their marriages providing the happiness that they have come to expect, are more likely to leave a marriage than couples in the past who did not have these same expectations.

So at this point, the research is still coming in as to why couples are getting divorced later in life than they ever have in the past.  Some people have merely chalked up the increase in these divorces to increasing life spans, but there seems to be a lot more at work than that.  The findings listed here were based on studies conducted on hundreds of couples divorcing after many years.  As these numbers increase and more couples are interviewed, there will be more information to shed some light on this growing trend of divorcing after many years of marriage.

What do you think about couples divorcing after so many years of marriage?  What are your theories on why this trend is on the rise?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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On the flip side, there are times when we can be blinded by love to the point where we believe that a person is everything that we want them to be, even though in reality they are none of these things.  Sometimes there is a fine line between optimism and being unrealistic.  There are definitely times when we may see great characteristics in a person that you are the first to discover, but you need to take a very close look to be sure that you have really uncovered a hidden gem rather than being a victim of wishful thinking.  Here are some things to consider that may help you determine which category you fall into.

Has this person changed? We often assume that the people who have known someone the longest are the people who know them best.  Many times this is true, but these same people can also be the ones that least notice when a person has changed.  For example, let’s consider the guy who was the party animal all through college.  There are men in this category who will always act like overgrown frat boys, but there are also plenty of former party animals who grew into responsible family men.  I’ve known quite a few women who married men that were declared ‘the type who would never settle down” by their oldest friends who supposedly knew them best.  Luckily the women who loved them realized that these long time friends were seeing their man as the guy they had always known rather than the man that he had grown to become.

What is his track record? Even though I mentioned how people can change as they grow up, there is also a point in our adult lives where we have established a track record that is unlikely to change.   For example, the guy who dated many women during his younger days, is in a different category than a guy who has destroyed a string of committed relationships due to infidelity.  For that matter, the guy who has switched jobs during his career to discover the work that he likes best, is very different from the guy who has never held a job because he is still holding out for just the right one.  This isn’t to say that such a guy will never grow up and get a job, but it is safe to say that this type of guy is not suddenly going to get a job just out of love for you.

Actions are more important than intentions- We often like to think that our intentions matter much more than they do.  I hear people, especially women, make excuses for their partner’s actions all the time because they believe that their partner’s intentions were good.  They will dismiss partners who are rude or belittle them because “he didn’t mean to say/do that.”  It’s fine to consider intentions when he’s 20 minutes late for date “he meant to be on time but he hit traffic.”  It’s a very different story when you’re arguing that he means to treat you well, but for any variety of reasons he just doesn’t.  In these instances, good intentions are meaningless and you’re letting your feelings for that person raise these intentions to a level of importance that they simply do not deserve.

So, I do hope that couples in love will always to continue to see wonderful qualities in each other, especially those special qualities that are not always valued or recognized by the rest of the world.  Of course true love does not mean that we have to make up qualities that are not there merely to justify why we love this person.  It is only when we can take an honest look at a person’s good and bad qualities that we can be realistic as well as optimistic in the way we view our love for them.

What do you think? Do you tend to be optimistic or unrealistic when it comes to love?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

One Commitment Does not Guarantee Another- Some of the most heartbreaking stories that I receive are from women who moved with the hope that this would be the final straw that would turn that boyfriend into a husband.  If marriage is what you want out of your relationship, then you should not move for a man unless you are 1) engaged 2) have a wedding date set for the near future and 3) have already begun making firm wedding plans.  This may sound like an awful lot of conditions, but moving is a big step and it can create a busy atmosphere for a long time.  It is easy to find that two years after moving you are nowhere near getting married even though the initial plan was that you would get married after you both  “got settled into your new location.”

If you are faced with this situation, please keep in mind just what a big step a move is.  It isn’t fair for anyone to ask you to uproot your entire life on a distant promise that one day this person will marry you.  If he is serious about marrying you and he fully appreciates what a huge commitment it is for you to move for him, then he will meet all three of these criteria.  If he doesn’t, then he is telling you that he is happy to have you remain as his girlfriend, and you need to be sure that you will be satisfied with moving for him even if he never marries you.

Saving a Relationship- Hoping that a move will improve a relationship or keep a relationship from falling apart is not limited to couples that are dating.  I’ve known married couples who have hit a rocky patch in their marriage and are uncertain whether a move will save their relationship or will be the final step that destroys it.  Any move is stressful, and even strong relationships will be tested by a move.  If your relationship is teetering on the brink of disaster, then a move is more likely to tear it apart rather than to improve it.

Look at All Your Options- If your partner is planning a move, many women view the two alternatives as moving or ending the relationship, but sometimes there are other options.  If you are dating, you may decide that you can have a long distance relationship for a while.  Even many married couples are choosing to survive a long distance relationship for many months until they have time to evaluate the impact of leaving their current location as well as time to consider whether they will like their new location.

How will you like your new location?- Whether married or single, this is a big question that many women don’t spend enough time considering.  They learn all about their man’s new job, they learn about schools for the kids, but they never take a look at how they will like their new location.  This is a big reasons why so many women are ready to pack their bags a year or two after a move.  Whether it is landing your dream job, taking classes or joining a social group, you need to have a plan for how you will adjust once the moving dust has settled.  If the area that you are considering does not seem to offer any of the things that will make you happy, then you either need to look harder or reconsider moving before you agree to go.

So there are some of the biggest issues to consider when deciding whether or not to move for the one you love.  If you are in the type of solid relationship that can survive a move, then you should be making this decision together.  Situations where he has already made the decision to move and you are left deciding whether to join him, are a good indication that a move is not likely to be in your best interest.  No matter what you decide, moving will be stressful for your relationship.  Moving to a new place can open up a whole new set of experiences and adventures, but it is never something that should be done with the hopes of improving a troubled relationship.

Have you ever moved for the one you love? Please share your thoughts and stories in the comments section.

*For a light hearted look at moving take a look at Don’t Let Moving Stress Cause Relationship Stress.

The question then becomes: “What is appropriate to share with others, and what topics should only be discussed between the couple?”  Here are some situations that are most likely to get you into trouble when it comes to sharing details about your relationship.

Groups- Even groups that are made up of the nicest individuals can start to resemble an angry mob when given a topic to complain about.  A simple negative comment that starts out as a minor criticism or even a funny anecdote about your partner can easily turn into a big tirade about everything that is wrong with men once other women join in and add stories and complaints about their own men.  The next thing you know that “innocent” remark about your man can start you on a path to airing every complaint that you’ve ever had about your partner over the course of your relationship.

Friends who don’t have your best interest at heart- There are friends whose company we merely enjoy, and there are those friends that would help us day or night no matter what.  If you just had a fight with your boyfriend or husband and you happen to find that you are out with a friend that falls into the first category, then you need to avoid the temptation to spill the beans to this person.  Just because they are there and willing to listen is not a good enough reason to discuss your partner with someone who does not truly have your best interest at heart.

The heat of the moment- Even if you are speaking to your best friend in the world, you still need to take a deep breath and give some thought to just how much you should share about your relationship.  Words can’t be taken back, and sometimes even if we feel like we need to say something or we will just burst, these are the most critical times for staying calm and thinking about the long term impact of what we’re going to say.  Often those same topics that make us feel so intensely that we must share them, are the same topics that are so personal that we will be left regretting that we shared them with anyone other than our partner.

People who won’t tell us we’re wrong- A couple is made up of two people, and when there is a problem there are two people that contributed to that problem.  Anyone that we speak to is at a disadvantage because they are only hearing one side of the argument, and it is hard to decipher what really happened.  This is taken to another level when we discuss our problems with those people who will never tell us that we are wrong even if they do have some understanding of  the role that we most likely played in contributing to the disagreement.  It is pointless to share your relationship problems with this type of person unless your real goal is too reinforce how “right” you were rather than to get some solid advice.

So there are some of the most common scenarios that are likely to get you into trouble when you share your relationship problems.  As is often the case in communication, you are better off saying less rather than more until you are positive about what information you want to share as well as who should really be privy to this information.  If you really feel the need to discuss your relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re unsure about discussing it with friends and family, then consider a neutral party like a counselor.  That’s the only way to be certain that your words won’t come back to haunt you if you make the mistake of sharing something that in hindsight shouldn’t have been shared.

What do you think? Do you discuss your relationship problems with friends and family or only with your partner?  How do you decide what to share with others and what needs to stay between you and your partner?

To make sense of the acceptance that much of our video team had about open marriage and open relationships, I did some research. I quickly discovered that there are many people who advocate these relationships.  Whether they were experts or people in these relationships, the same reasons were cited over and over again for why they felt these relationships could work.  Needless to say, I disagree, so I’m going to go through the problems that I find with these arguments in favor of open relationships.

Before I start, let me say that morally I feel that these relationship are just plain wrong, but since obviously isn’t a perspective that these advocates share, I’m going to touch on the more practical aspects of why I don’t think that anyone can seriously expect to have a good open marriage.

What Holds All Marriages Together is Basically the Same- The attitude from many of my fellow bloggers was “Different Strokes for Different Folks”  In other words, they felt that every couple is different and what makes one relationship successful will not necessarily work for another couple.  Yes, we are all individuals, but all successful marriages are based on a handful of similar traits as their foundation.  Love, trust, devotion, respect and cooperation are common factors that are found in all solid marriages, as well as fidelity.  Couples may vary in small ways as to how they achieve these things in their marriage, but the notion that they can be achieved while sharing your bed with others goes way beyond a simple variation in achieving marital success.

It Doesn’t Eliminate Infidelity- With all the high profile marriages that have been torn apart by cheating, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that some people are starting to view infidelity as a part of marriage rather than an anomaly.  This is the excuse that made me the saddest because it expressed such a negative view of marriage.   These people seemed to think that if infidelity was inevitable, then it would be better to approach marriage from the perspective of how sleeping with other people can be incorporated into your plan for a lifetime together.  The problem is that sleeping with someone who isn’t your spouse is infidelity whether your spouse has agreed to this behavior or not.

Monogamy is Not the Hardest Part of Marriage- To a person who has never been married, the notion of sleeping with the same person forever may sound like the hardest part of marriage.  Some people feel that this is so difficult that they claim that people aren’t even meant to be monogamous.  If you’ve been married for awhile, then I’m sure  could list 20 aspects of marriage that are much more difficult than monogamy right off the top of your head.  Marriage is work day in and day out, and being able to remain faithful to your spouse is just one of many tasks that you’ll need to master to have a strong marriage.  If you can’t muster up the strength for this step, then I can’t see how you’d be able to survive all the other hurdles that you will need to overcome to have a strong marriage.

These Relationships Are Not Stronger- I think that the most twisted argument that I have seen in favor of these marriages is the notion that “only the strongest relationships can survive an open marriage.”  The notion behind this one seems to be that these people are so “evolved” that they are beyond jealousy, or that their relationship is so solid that it couldn’t be torn apart by extracurricular sex.  Most couples work hard to keep the romance alive, whether it’s a romantic dinner or purchasing some sexy lingerie, they put effort into keeping the excitement in their relationship and their spouses appreciate that effort.  If anything, I view this “open” approach as an attempt to take the easy way out instead of putting real time and effort into keeping the spice in the relationship.

What About the Children?- One thing that was conspicuously absent from any of the articles that celebrated these open marriages was what affect something like this would have if the couple had any children.  It may be that these experts think that this is something that could exist separately from the kids, but in my experience, no one has a better handle on the status of mom and dad’s relationship than the children.   There is no way that a situation like this could be going on without the kids knowing that something is going on in their family that is out of the ordinary.

So, although a large number of marriages are ending in divorce and are plagued by infidelity, I don’t see welcoming infidelity into a marriage as any type of solution.  The specifics of marriage have changed over time as the role of husbands and wives have changed, but the foundation of what makes a strong marriage will never change.  If the points listed above don’t convince you that an open marriage is not a solution to so many marriages failing, then the fact that so many celebrity couples praise this lifestyle should convince you.  After all, most “good” Hollywood marriages prove to be more dysfunctional than most bad marriages among regular couples.

What do you think? Is open marriage a terrible idea, or is it really the modern day solution to the problems that plague marriages?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.