Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘relationship problems’ Category
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
 Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman. It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash. It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.
When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time. Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.” From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.
One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them. I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values. If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.
I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her. When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision. It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision. Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.
Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into. As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor. No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.
It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy. In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it. The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around. Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.
So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them. On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious. When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.
What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You
Tags: I'm ready for marriage he's not, men who won't marry, should I stay with him, why won't he marry me
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 13 Comments »
Wednesday, July 7th, 2010
 As I’ve been preparing to write about the relationship concerns of stepmothers and those contemplating if they should become stepmothers, it was hard to come up with a title that captured the main concern of these women. I decided to focus on whether or not the relationship could survive his children, because this seems to be at the heart of the doubts that these women share with us on LuvemOrLeavem. I felt bad referring to step children and future step children as “his children” because we like to view these children as “their children” once the woman becomes their stepmother.
The situation is nowhere near that simple though, since in most cases the natural mother plays the main role or a major role in the lives of these children. I found that many stepmothers did indeed refer to their step children as “his children” despite the large role that many of them play in raising their stepchildren. These women do not refer to their partner’s children as “his children” because they in any way resemble the “wicked stepmothers” of fairy tales fame. Instead, they refer to the children this way because experience has shown them that their role is filled with parenting responsibilities but is lacking the full authority that both natural parents have.
So just what are the problems that women grapple with when deciding whether or not their relationship can survive being a stepmother to his children? Here are the top issues these women have posted on LuvemOrLeavem:
Disney Dad- The Disney Dad is the dad who just wants to deal with the “fun part” of parenting. These are often the men who get a limited amount of time with their children. When they do get time with them, they often have no desire to be a disciplinarian. As much as these dads may want to focus on having fun with their kids, there is no such thing as a hiatus from enforcing the rules.
What is especially bad for the women involved with these dads is that while dad is having fun with the kids, the women are often the target of these badly behaved kids. Everything from disrespectful behavior to a total lack of appreciation is often dealt with by the stepmothers. If the woman has children of her own, the situation can quickly be out of control as she fears that her children will pick up these bad behaviors or may merely question why the house rules that apply to them don’t apply to the step children.
Infringing Ex- When a man’s ex-wife is still part of his life, it is always stressful for the new wife to understand where she fits into his life. When that ex-wife is the mother of his children, the amount of interaction with the ex-wife is much more frequent and has the potential to create a steady stream of awkward situations. If there are disputes about shared custody or visitation schedules, the stepmother often finds herself right in the middle of constant disputes that are supposedly only disputes between both parents.
No Bonding- One of the most common situations that we hear about is from women who just can’t bond with their stepchildren. Most women enter these marriages assuming that stepchildren that don’t like them will warm up to them over time. Sometimes this happens, but like everything that has to do with parenting, there are no guarantees.
The women who never bond with their stepchildren or who don’t bond to the degree that view as “healthy” often feel bad about themselves and their marriage. It can put a lot of stress on a marriage when a woman feels this way. Sometimes the children are still healing from the parents’ divorce, and sometimes they just can’t seem to share their father’s time and love with his new wife. The balance for the stepmother is really trying to improve the aspects that can be improved, while learning to accept the parts of the relationship that they have no control over.
So there are the most common scenarios that are submitted to us by stepmothers and women who are thinking of becoming stepmothers. If these situations sound familiar to you, you can find a place devoted to the ups and downs of being a stepmother at StepsForStepMothers.com. The site is run by therapist, author and stepmother, Dr. Rachelle Katz. In her new book, The Happy Stepmother, Dr. Katz outlines 10 steps that women can use to take action in improving their quality of life as a stepmother rather than feeling helpless. This is especially important for stepmothers and stepmothers to be, because a sense of helplessness is every bit as prominent as a sense of doubt in the stories that we receive from these women.
What do you think? What special challenges do you think that stepmothers face? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Post
Romance Happiness and Children
Tags: blended family, challenge of stepmother, dating men with children, dealing with his children, raising stepchildren, stepmother
Posted in advice for women, marriage, relationship problems | 6 Comments »
Wednesday, June 30th, 2010
 Last week’s post was about the types of men that women should run from, so now it is time to publish our list of women that should send men running in the opposite direction. Our Advice Panel vloggers also covered the topic of the types of women that men should avoid, and while the types are similar for both sexes, I’m going to point out the male/female differences for each of the similar types. Hopefully this will make these “women not to date” a little easier to spot. Here is our top 3 list:
The Gold Digger- This is the women who sees the man she is dating as a blank check. She is similar to the male “freeloader,” but the freeloader is often easier to spot because he is usually looking for a women who works so that he doesn’t have to work. The Gold Digger will usually have a job, but she has expensive taste that exceeds her means and she evaluates her man by what he can buy her. The poor guys who date these women find that once the Gold Digger drains his wallet she has lost all interest in him and is ready to find a new man to finance her expensive habits. If a women asks you for expensive gifts or only wants to go to very expensive restaurants and orders the most expensive items, then run, you have just met the Gold Digger.
Wants to Change You- This one was mentioned by nearly every man who responded to this question on Twitter. Now quite a few men felt strongly that all women want to change at least one thing about their man, and I much as I’d like to say that they’re wrong, I can’t quite say it with a straight face. The women in this category are different than the woman who simply hopes to get her man to dress a little better or hopes he’ll learn to appreciate the subtle humor that is found in a romantic comedy.
The women in this category are the ones who either want to change something major about a man or they have a laundry list of “small changes” that they would like to see you make. In either case, it will be much simpler if the woman who wishes to see all these changes will just find a different man. Let’s face it, if you make all of the changes she wants, you will not recognize yourself any more. Interestingly, this was the only item that appeared consistently in the lists from men about women and not once in the lists that women had about men. Mark Twain once said that women marry a man hoping to change him, while men marry a woman hoping that she will never change, so I guess this great writer knew what he was talking about.
Can’t Give You Space- In some ways, this women resembles the male stalker, but unlike the stalker, most men felt that these women acted out of insecurity rather than a need to be controlling. These women are not likely to stop you from going somewhere without them, but you are likely be pressed with inquisition style questions about why she can’t join you before you finally make it out the door. You may think that you’ve achieved freedom once you get out on your own, but it is not that simple. Be prepared for your phone to start ringing as soon as you leave, and when you do get home, get ready for the guilt trip.
The problem with these women is self esteem. They take it personally when you want to spend time without them and they view it as a threat to your relationship when you are apart. Many men fall into the trap of thinking that at some point these women will naturally adjust to his need to have some space as the relationship continues. Unfortunately, the fact that the relationship has continued is not reassuring to women with this level of insecurity. Over time she is much more likely to put more effort into restricting his time without her rather than reducing these efforts. If you enjoy your space and this type of women sounds like the woman that you are dating, then it is time to walk (or run) away.
So there is our top 3 list of types of women to run from based on feedback from all our wonderful male Twitter followers. We know that there are many more types, but these do seem to cover the complaints that we hear most often. If you find yourself dating one of these women, then consider yourself warned.
What do you think? Do you know women like the ones we’ve listed here? Do you have more types to add? Please share you thoughts in the comments section.
Related Post: Types of Men to Run From
Tags: female stalker, gold digger, relationship advice for men, types of women, women not to date, women to avoid
Posted in dating, relationship problems | 9 Comments »
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010
 One of the best things about love is that wonderful sense of optimism that it gives us. It can make us feel that we can conquer the world when we have someone that can look at us, flaws and all, and feel that the good in us far outweighs any negatives. Sometimes, a person’s good qualities are admired by all the people who know that person, but sometimes the person who loves them is the first to really look beneath the surface and see how wonderful that person really is. There are even times when the person who loves us recognizes wonderful qualities in us that we hadn’t even recognized in ourselves, and these are all examples of why true love is so special.
On the flip side, there are times when we can be blinded by love to the point where we believe that a person is everything that we want them to be, even though in reality they are none of these things. Sometimes there is a fine line between optimism and being unrealistic. There are definitely times when we may see great characteristics in a person that you are the first to discover, but you need to take a very close look to be sure that you have really uncovered a hidden gem rather than being a victim of wishful thinking. Here are some things to consider that may help you determine which category you fall into.
Has this person changed? We often assume that the people who have known someone the longest are the people who know them best. Many times this is true, but these same people can also be the ones that least notice when a person has changed. For example, let’s consider the guy who was the party animal all through college. There are men in this category who will always act like overgrown frat boys, but there are also plenty of former party animals who grew into responsible family men. I’ve known quite a few women who married men that were declared ‘the type who would never settle down” by their oldest friends who supposedly knew them best. Luckily the women who loved them realized that these long time friends were seeing their man as the guy they had always known rather than the man that he had grown to become.
What is his track record? Even though I mentioned how people can change as they grow up, there is also a point in our adult lives where we have established a track record that is unlikely to change. For example, the guy who dated many women during his younger days, is in a different category than a guy who has destroyed a string of committed relationships due to infidelity. For that matter, the guy who has switched jobs during his career to discover the work that he likes best, is very different from the guy who has never held a job because he is still holding out for just the right one. This isn’t to say that such a guy will never grow up and get a job, but it is safe to say that this type of guy is not suddenly going to get a job just out of love for you.
Actions are more important than intentions- We often like to think that our intentions matter much more than they do. I hear people, especially women, make excuses for their partner’s actions all the time because they believe that their partner’s intentions were good. They will dismiss partners who are rude or belittle them because “he didn’t mean to say/do that.” It’s fine to consider intentions when he’s 20 minutes late for date “he meant to be on time but he hit traffic.” It’s a very different story when you’re arguing that he means to treat you well, but for any variety of reasons he just doesn’t. In these instances, good intentions are meaningless and you’re letting your feelings for that person raise these intentions to a level of importance that they simply do not deserve.
So, I do hope that couples in love will always to continue to see wonderful qualities in each other, especially those special qualities that are not always valued or recognized by the rest of the world. Of course true love does not mean that we have to make up qualities that are not there merely to justify why we love this person. It is only when we can take an honest look at a person’s good and bad qualities that we can be realistic as well as optimistic in the way we view our love for them.
What do you think? Do you tend to be optimistic or unrealistic when it comes to love? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: communication and relationships, looking at partners flaws, optimistic love, positive thinking and relationships, true love, unrealistic love
Posted in advice for women, relationship problems | 10 Comments »
|
Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
