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Are You Too Picky?

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

I love that we live an era where women are educated, independent, and can wait to marry until they find a man they love rather than needing to find a husband to support them. Despite how important it is for a women to be be choosy when deciding who to date, there is a point when a woman can be “too picky.” If you find yourself with a ten page check list, then it’s likely you have switched from searching for the “perfect man for you” to searching for absolute perfection.

For our commenters on LuvemOrLeavem , the difference between high standards and too picky is usually determined by how specific the woman’s requirements are for choosing a man. For example, looking for a man who is fit is fine. If she spends her spare time hiking and kayaking, then she’ll be looking for a man who is in better shape than a woman who is happy taking a stroll around the block. I wouldn’t consider that “too picky” because it is important to have common interests in a relationship. Of course if your idea of a guy who is fit is defined by his Body Mass Index falling within a narrow range, then yes, I would say you are too picky.

With that said, here is a list of criteria that women have shared with us that have caused their friends, and in some cases even their moms, to say that these women are “too picky” to ever find a man.

“I want a man who is at least 6 inches taller than me (I’m 5′ 8″). That way I can wear a nice pair of heels and he’s still taller.”

“He has to make at least 300K per year. That may sound picky if you live in Iowa, but here in Manhattan that’s pretty much middle class.”

“I broke up with a guy that my best friend thought was perfect for me because he had nasty back hair. I wanted to gag every time we went to the beach, and hey, I love the beach.”

“I want a guy who’s strong enough to carry me over the thresh hold one day. If he’s a scrawny guy, that’s a deal breaker.”

“I broke up with a guy who wanted to go out with just the guys every week. He can see his friends once a month, but once a week is too much.”

“He dressed like a bum. I bought him nice clothes for every special occasion, and he still lived in his ratty old jeans and t-shirts. Bye bye.”

“I don’t have a 10 page list of requirements, but it’s probably close to 8. I may even have 3 pages devoted just to appearance. All the other pages describe the characteristic that my future husband must have.”

“He has to like the same music as me, no jazz, no heavy metal, no country, no rap and no hip hop (no exceptions).”

Now some of these seem like kind of silly things to be deal breakers in a relationship, but maybe these ladies are very laid back about a host of other criteria. If you’ve met men that meet your criteria and the relationship just didn’t work out for whatever reason, then it is likely that you just have high standards. If you have never even met anyone that comes close to your list of “must haves,” then you may indeed be too picky.

So what do you think? Are these ladies too picky? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

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Tags: are you too picky, i am too picky, too picky, too picky dating, too picky men, too picky women
Posted in find love, fun relationship facts | 13 Comments »

Creating Love in the Kitchen

Friday, February 12th, 2010

A while back on LuvemOrLeavem we had a debate over relationship cliches, and the one that caused the most uproar was “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Things started to get ugly as men posted about how it important it was to them that their future wife was a good cook. Some women thought these men were living in the past and were stuck on an outdated notion that “a woman’s place is in the kitchen.”

Luckily, we had some brave men who confessed that they felt most loved by their wives when they took the time to prepare a nice meal for them and that changed the tone of the discussion. Now it turns out that most women did the cooking in their relationships, and it was more the expectation that women should be able to cook more than the actual cooking that riled up these women. This brings me to today’s interview with Nadia G from The Bitchin’ Kitchen web tv show. Nadia is the embodiment of the attitude that our women expressed about cooking. They didn’t mind it as long as their efforts were met with love and appreciation rather than a pile of shirts to iron once the dinner dishes were cleaned and put away. So here is what the Nadia G had to say when we spoke to her about love and cooking:

LuvemOrLeavem: We’ve had huge debates about love and food, how important is it that a woman can cook?

Nadia: As an Italian I’m convinced that they way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Honestly, I think the ability to whip up a great meal is a definite asset. See, humans aren’t super complex creatures: a good meal can get you what ever you want. A great meal guarantees it.

Luvem: How can a woman make sure that cooking a special meal for her guy isn’t a green light for him to expect elaborate meals every day?

Nadia: I’ve always enjoyed spoiling my past boyfriends with a coupla stellar meals here and there, but they’ve never expected it on a daily basis. If your man expects an extravagant meal every day, and has the audacity to badger you about it, always remember that there are other uses for a wooden spoon.

Luvem: What about those women who can’t cook? Any tips on getting started?

Nadia: Being able to cook for yourself is so important, especially with all the crappy food that’s out there: additives, hormones, whopping amounts of sodium, saturated fats and sugar… Cooking is easy, all one has to do pick-up a cookbook and be willing to get their hands dirty, no need to be intimidated by food. So what if you mess up? But if she really has no interest in rocking her kitchen, then I say try to buy organic prepped food as much as possible. At least you know the meals don’t contain any nasty surprises.

Luvem: For those take-out women, should they be honest or try to pass off this food as their own?

Nadia: I say: be honest. Lying takes too much energy, and at the end of the day, people don’t really care where the food comes from as long as it’s tasty.

Luvem: What about men in the kitchen? How do you get him to do something beyond using the microwave?

Nadia: I hear you, it ain’t easy to get someone to start cooking… I’d say go Pavolvian on his butt. Good meal, he gets a treat… No meal, no treat. Nothing like “positive” reinforcement, mwahahahaha!

Valentine’s Day Cooking- Since many of our readers have told us that tight budgets will have them cooking on Valentine’s Day, here are Nadia’s top suggestions:

Top suggestion for women to make: Men like meat, so I’d suggest she make him the Filet Mignon with Coco-Chili Sauce for Valentine’s Day

Top suggestion for men to make: Women LOVE chocolate so I suggest he make her some dessert, maybe a Chocolate Fondue with salty pretzels.

Luvem: Should your Vday meal vary based on the stage of your relationship? For example, 1) newly dating 2) dating for a while 3) where the heck is my ring?

Nadia: 1) If you’re dating someone new, this is the time to bamboozle them. I’d say go all out with a 3 course V-Day dinner of Panko Shrimp & Strawberries, Filet Mignon with a maple Balsamic Reduction, and Spicy Dark Chocolate Soufflés for dessert…

2) If you’ve been dating for a while, there’s nothing like snuggling up to some comfort food: elevate a shepherd’s pie with ground organic sirloin, fresh grilled corn, and mix of sweet n’ russet potato mash. Top with smoked paprika, amp up some ketchup with hot sauce, and man, you’ve got yourself a party.

3) Where the heck is my ring? LOL. If you can’t get him to buy the ring, you may as well get him to buy you dinner. Head to a 5-star resto and shkoff on his tab.

Luvem: What is your opinion of famous women in the kitchen (Julia Child, Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray)? Are they role models for women or old fashioned stereo types?

Nadia: Julia Child and Martha Stewart are pioneers, they built empires on what was once considered mere “women’s work”, and you gotta give them props for that. I respect Rachael Ray, although she’s a bit too saccharine for my taste: Cooking up nachos for your husband’s Super Bowl party? Yea OK. In my book, I’d ship him off to a sports bar and have my girlfriends over for a make-your-own-spring roll/ gossip party. She’s got her thing, I’ve got mine.

Luvem: It sounds like you have recipes for every time in a relationship including breaking up and making up. What is your favorite relationship themed recipe?

Nadia: My uncle Pasqua used to say: There’s a meal for every occasion and an occasion for every meal…” No one was ever more right (or sweaty.) Its hard for me to single out a meal/ theme… But if I really have to: I’d go with the Break Up Meal. It’s good to leave ‘em with a good taste in their mouth, remember you once cared for them, but more importantly: they know your secrets and probably got ‘em on tape…

As you can probably tell from her answers, Nadia has a non-intimidating and fun approach to cooking. Her recipes are delicious, but not too complicated and her show is filled with humor. After all where else can you find a cooking show that exclaims that its low fat meal has “less fat than Nicole Richie in a sauna?” So go visit Nadia over at the Bitchin’ Kitchen.

How about you? Do you like to cook for that special someone or are you just fine with take out? Better yet, do you have a special someone who cooks for you? Please share your thoughts in our comments section.

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Tags: bitchin' kitchen, cook for your man, nadia g, showing love, way to man's heart is through stomach, web cooking show
Posted in advice for women, fun relationship facts | 14 Comments »

Love and Valentine’s Day

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

As a hopeless romantic, you probably expect that I love the celebration of Valentine’s Day, but it’s not a holiday that I spend much time celebrating. Don’t get me wrong, the notion of having a whole day devoted to celebrating love is a great idea, but I definitely feel like the holiday has been hijacked by companies who make lots of money during Valentine’s Day. Here are some of my biggest problems with the big commercial enterprise that Valentine’s Day has turned into.

Valentine’s Day gifts have gotten more expensive- Here is the progression:

Cards- When I was a kid all anybody received for Valentine’s Day was a card, regardless of whether you were newly dating or married for years.
Chocolate- Somewhere along the way giving chocolates became the norm. The standard was the heart shaped box of inexpensive mixed chocolates.
Gourmet chocolates replaced the generic box of assorted chocolates. Way better tasting, but way more expensive.
Flowers, or more precisely 1 dozen red roses became a Valentine standard.
Diamonds have now become the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift. I love diamonds just as much as any woman, but I think that unless you’re getting engaged diamonds are excessive for this holiday.

The Valentine’s Day Premium- I admit that I’m a very thrifty person, but I don’t know anyone who wants to pay more for something just because businesses have changed the message of Valentine’s Day from “I love you” to “I love when you spend your money.” The exact same roses, chocolates and jewelry all have jacked up prices during Valentine’s day and can often be purchased for half the price if you bought them in March. Same thing with that Valentine’s Day dinner at your favorite restaurant. You will pay substantially more for the same meal on Valentine’s Day than you would if you went there a few days later.

Everyone has jumped on the Valentine’s Day bandwagon- What used to be the domain of florists, card companies and candy makers has now expanded into products and events that have no connection to saying I love you. Even our hockey stadium offers a Valentine’s Day package. As much as I love the sport, to try to sell the notion of watching guys getting slammed into the glass as a way to express your love is just stretching things too far.

I even saw a vacuum cleaner company that has a Valentine’s Day promotion. This is just so wrong. If your man’s idea of saying I love you involves upgrading your vacuum cleaner, then you may need to consider upgrading your man. The only exception is if it comes with a signed and notarized statement that he will do all the vacuuming from that point forward.

So there are some of my pet peeves with how commercialized Valentine’s Day has become. I miss the days when a special card with a personal message was more than enough and would be displayed on the mantle like a prized possession. If you really want to express how much you love that special person in your life, focus on saying and showing that you love them everyday instead of once a year.

What do you think? Am I a Valentine’s Day Scrooge or is there too much hype for this holiday? How will you spend Valentine’s Day? Please share in the comments section.

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Tags: celebrate love, express love, how to celebrate valentine's day, valentine, Valentine's Day
Posted in fun relationship facts, lasting love | 16 Comments »

The Husband Test

Friday, December 4th, 2009

Despite the title, this post is not really going to contain a test for husbands, just some lighthearted thoughts and stories about how marriage varies so much from couple to couple. Years ago a coworker of mine had to meet with a person from immigration because she married a man from France and the people from immigration wanted to verify that they really did live together and that it wasn’t a sham marriage designed to keep him in the U.S. Being single at the time, I listened to her story about this “husband test” with no appreciation of just how well her husband did. He accurately identified her family members in their wedding album and he was even asked to show the immigration worker where they kept their flour and sugar (which being a chef he was promptly able to produce).

During various times in my marriage I have often thought about her story, because I am the official person “who knows where things are” in my house and I don’t know if my husband would be able to find the sugar and flour without a little guidance from me or maybe a cheat sheet. I’m confident that he’d head to the pantry, but beyond that I’m not sure that he would be able to locate any of the items required for baking. Of course in all fairness, if I had to prove that I lived here by finding anything in the garage, I would likely not pass the test either. Just for fun, I shared this little husband test story with some women on FaceBook and Twitter and asked them what questions they thought their husbands would be least likely to answer correctly as well as which things they themselves would get wrong. Here are some of their replies:

My Husband Could Not Prove He Lived Here If He Had To:

Identify spices. I learned the hard way to double check that he handed me the cinnamon before I add it to my pastry dough.
Fold the stroller. He’s learned how to stuff it in the trunk without folding it, even though there’s a lever that folds it right up. (Actually, I had to pull out the instruction manual before I found it)
That wedding guest identification would bury him, although it has been 10 years since those photos were taken.
Run the washing machine.
Find his keys by himself.
Know all our birthdays. It’s the years that throw him, that’s why I fill out all the forms.
Tell anyone where the dry cleaner is located.
Find the hair dryer. He’s used it once.
Know where we keep the vacuum cleaner.
Get my middle name right.

I Wouldn’t Be Able to Prove I Was His Wife if I Had to:

Know anything about the car. I didn’t know if it was rear wheel drive or front wheel when it broke down and the tow truck driver asked if it was really my car.
Find the iron. He irons his own shirts and I like it that way, I don’t want to know where that iron is.
Find the Christmas lights. Garage, shed, basement? They could be anywhere.
Unclog the sink.
Use power tools.
Name the guys in his poker group. They all look similar and it’s always smoky in the man cave/poker room.

So there you have it, our husband and wife lists of the many things that might cause them to fail a husband or wife test. I feel pretty confident in saying that unless you live by yourself, it is likely that you don’t know where to find or how to use everything in your home. I can’t help but think that the immigration worker was most likely not married, because I think that her questions showed no understanding of the separation of tasks that exists in most marriages. I feel bad for any husbands that were interviewed by that immigration worker after my friend’s husband breezed through his interview, and I hope that they didn’t get deported for not being able to identify all their wives aunts and uncles in the wedding album.

What do you think? What question would be most likely to stump you if you had to prove you lived in your house? What question would be likely to stump your spouse? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.