Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘communication’ Category
Sunday, May 16th, 2010
 Nearly every woman ends up discussing her relationship with friends or family at one time or another. These people are part of our support system, so it is natural that we turn to them when there are things that we want to discuss, including our relationships. Whether we have a little gripe, a relationship crisis or just one of those “would you believe what he did” moments, the odds are good that at some point you will be speaking about your relationship with someone other than your partner.
The question then becomes: “What is appropriate to share with others, and what topics should only be discussed between the couple?” Here are some situations that are most likely to get you into trouble when it comes to sharing details about your relationship.
Groups- Even groups that are made up of the nicest individuals can start to resemble an angry mob when given a topic to complain about. A simple negative comment that starts out as a minor criticism or even a funny anecdote about your partner can easily turn into a big tirade about everything that is wrong with men once other women join in and add stories and complaints about their own men. The next thing you know that “innocent” remark about your man can start you on a path to airing every complaint that you’ve ever had about your partner over the course of your relationship.
Friends who don’t have your best interest at heart- There are friends whose company we merely enjoy, and there are those friends that would help us day or night no matter what. If you just had a fight with your boyfriend or husband and you happen to find that you are out with a friend that falls into the first category, then you need to avoid the temptation to spill the beans to this person. Just because they are there and willing to listen is not a good enough reason to discuss your partner with someone who does not truly have your best interest at heart.
The heat of the moment- Even if you are speaking to your best friend in the world, you still need to take a deep breath and give some thought to just how much you should share about your relationship. Words can’t be taken back, and sometimes even if we feel like we need to say something or we will just burst, these are the most critical times for staying calm and thinking about the long term impact of what we’re going to say. Often those same topics that make us feel so intensely that we must share them, are the same topics that are so personal that we will be left regretting that we shared them with anyone other than our partner.
People who won’t tell us we’re wrong- A couple is made up of two people, and when there is a problem there are two people that contributed to that problem. Anyone that we speak to is at a disadvantage because they are only hearing one side of the argument, and it is hard to decipher what really happened. This is taken to another level when we discuss our problems with those people who will never tell us that we are wrong even if they do have some understanding of the role that we most likely played in contributing to the disagreement. It is pointless to share your relationship problems with this type of person unless your real goal is too reinforce how “right” you were rather than to get some solid advice.
So there are some of the most common scenarios that are likely to get you into trouble when you share your relationship problems. As is often the case in communication, you are better off saying less rather than more until you are positive about what information you want to share as well as who should really be privy to this information. If you really feel the need to discuss your relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re unsure about discussing it with friends and family, then consider a neutral party like a counselor. That’s the only way to be certain that your words won’t come back to haunt you if you make the mistake of sharing something that in hindsight shouldn’t have been shared.
What do you think? Do you discuss your relationship problems with friends and family or only with your partner? How do you decide what to share with others and what needs to stay between you and your partner?
Tags: discuss relationship, girl talk, male bashing, talk about relationship, troubled relationships
Posted in advice for women, communication, relationship problems | 16 Comments »
Monday, March 29th, 2010
 Last year I wrote a post about some the phrases that help to make a happy marriage. The post was inspired by an interview with a couple who had just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary, where the husband proclaimed that knowing when to say “yes dear” was his secret to a long and happy marriage. I shared a few of my own phrases, and our visitors weren’t shy about adding their own ideas as well. So here is the updated version of phrases for a happy marriage. Of course, since actions speak louder than words, most of these phrases do need to be accompanied by a follow-up action, but I think that you’ll find this list helpful just the same.
You can wear jeans/dress casually- This was part of my original list, and so many women seconded this that it made this year’s list as well. There’s just something about being able to head out dressed casually that makes most men happy. Of course there are times when you have no choice but to be dressed up. For those times when the choice is yours though, our ladies agreed that choosing the place with the casual dress code will have you heading out with a happier man than the one that requires a tie and jacket.
Here’s your coffee- Now of course you really have to have a cup of coffee in your hand for this to be meaningful, but this one sets the tone for the day. It’s just hard to get annoyed with the person who crept away from that comfortable bed to bring you a cup of coffee while it is still dark out, no matter what they do during the rest of the day.
Dinner’s ready and I made your favorite- Again, you need to make the favorite dinner for this one to work. This goes back to some of our earlier discussion about the way to a man’s heart being through his stomach. Our ladies agreed that this is one that gets a smile every time, and is well worth the effort no matter how elaborate that “favorite meal” is.
I’m so happy you’re home- Everyone loves a proper greeting, and this phrase can turn a bad day into a good day in the time that it takes to say it. A word of caution must be added however. If you add phrases like “because the kids have been wild” or “because the sink is leaking” after the word “home” then this phrase will have the opposite effect. It’s like adding “for your age” after you’ve just told someone that they look great, so be sure to only add “because I missed you” if you feel that you must add something after the word “home.”
I’m frisky/You’re going to get lucky- This phrase or any other words that imply that it’s time to get behind closed doors was the winner among all of the ladies that replied. In fact, several ladies admitted that if you said this to your husband in the morning (and meant it) then you could forget all the other phrases on the list and still have a very happy husband.
So there’s our list of some phrases that are sure to put a smile on the face of your husband or the main man in your life. Men often joke that they are simple creatures, and these steps really are pretty simple. They really are proof that sometimes it really is the little things that have the biggest impact.
What do you think? Please share your phrases for a happy marriage or relationship in the comments section.
Tags: create lasting love, happy marriage, improve marriage, secret to happy marriage
Posted in advice for women, communication, lasting love, marriage | 9 Comments »
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
 If you’ve moved any time within the past few years, then this week’s title may having you saying “no way, moving equals stress, stress equals fighting.” Having moved at least eight times (as I sit here sounded by boxes I can honestly say I’ve lost track) and to five different states during my 16 years of marriage, I can assure you that I know moving is stressful. Of course lots of things in life are stressful and the best thing to do under any circumstance is to get support from your partner rather than just making sure that they share in your stress.
I know that this is easier said than done, but since I have become the “moving maven” I thought I’d share my biggest tip for keeping the peace in your relationship when it’s time to move. Although moving is stressful for everyone, I am mainly going to address this one to the ladies, since we tend to be the keeper of the nest (yes, that sounds sexist, but it sounds truthful too.) I’ve handled some moves better than others, and I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, so here is my number one tip for avoiding fighting with your man as you move.
Don’t mess with the “guy stuff” when it’s time to move.
We all know that guys have “guy stuff.” It may be never used tools, a set of weights buried in the basement, or fishing equipment that has accumulated cobwebs. The exact contents will vary with the personality and hobbies of your man, but he is sure to have something that takes up a fair amount of space that he hasn’t used in ages, if ever. Normally, it’s fine to ask him about getting rid of this stuff from time to time. Hey, you never know when you may get lucky and he’ll agree that it is time to get rid of it.
The big caution here is that the time to bring this up getting rid of the neglected items is not when you’re planning a move. Moving is a fine time to clear those places where things accumulate, like the basement and garage, but it works best if you each get rid of your own stuff. It’s tempting to make wise cracks about getting rid of his old stuff when you’re planning a move. Even though having a pile of unused items ready for packing and staring you in the face may seem like an opportune time to suggest purging these items, resist this temptation and stay quiet.
For the most part, I’m not usually a big believer in being quiet, but a move is one of those big stressful events in a relationship, where a seemingly small issue can cause a big argument. In fact, one of the most controversial dilemmas I’ve ever seen on LuvemOrLeavem had to do with a women disposing of her guys stuff without telling him first. I don’t usually have a lot of men that post comments, but the men were militant on this one. They were so unhappy with the actions of this woman, that they made it clear that they were voting “Leavem” only because there wasn’t an option of “He should leave you.”
So there it is, my biggest tip ever for not turning a move into a battle of the sexes. It may sound very simple, but as I’ve said before “sometimes the best way to improve communication in a relationship is to focus on what not to say rather than what to say.”
What do you think? Please share your thoughts, tips and stories about how moving can affect a relationship and how to handle the stress.
P.S. A big thank you to the great people over at DateDaily.com who featured us on their dating and relationship site.
Tags: don't let moving stress your relationship, love and relationship tips, moving and relationships, moving stress, moving tips, reduce relationship stress
Posted in advice for women, communication | 13 Comments »
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
 I’ve written extensively about technology harming our relationships, and my ideas have been met with an equal number of readers that agree and disagree with me. My main concern is what happens to our relationships with the people that are most important to us when we send a text instead of seeing them in person, or when we are texting someone else when we should be giving our undivided attention to the person that is right next to us. I have to admit that I never thought much about the benefits that technology can provide during the early stages of a relationship when we are still getting to know a person and are trying to evaluate whether this relationship has the potential to become serious.
The person who really got me thinking about how use technology in a developing relationship is our newest Advice Panel video blogger, Mike the Master Dater, who has written the definitive guide about dating and texting. Not being one to text, I was surprised to find that as I read about how Mike uses texting that I could actually appreciate that it can be a valuable way to communicate, especially during that getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship.
So, what value can texting add to a developing relationship? And what it can it do for you that you can’t accomplish with a phone call? While talking on the phone is still part of the dating ritual during that flirting and getting to know you stage of dating, there are many potential pitfalls to talking on the phone. In fact, on LuvemOrLeavem we often hear about mistakes that women have made during phone conversations that they wish had never taken place. After going reading through many of these phone conversation horror stories and reading through Mike’s tips on dating and texting, I’ve compiled a list of features that I think make texting more appealing than speaking over the phone for a variety of dating situations.
Your Voice Conveys Emotion- When we want to very clear about how we feel about something we usually want to do so by phone. For example, when I tell my husband that he must be home soon because the kids are wild I do this by phone because my voice conveys that urgency (as do the screaming kids in the background.) Of course when you’re telling a guy that you’re just getting to know that it is “all right” that he can’t go with you to a party tonight, you probably don’t want your voice to convey just how disappointed you are. Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how you word it as you try to sound casual, he will know how you really feel.
Most of Us Can’t “Wing It” in Conversation- We all know that witty person whose mouth can move as fast as their brain, but they are very rare. Most of us blurt out a reply when we feel that we are on the spot to answer, and then hours later our brain provides us with that witty reply that we wish we had thought of at the time. With texting you can take the time to formulate a response and maybe even think of that brilliant reply before you hit send.
Keeps You From Saying Too Much- Most dating coaches encourage singles to avoid revealing too much during lengthy phone conversations. In general, many coaches recommend that you not speak on the phone for much longer than is necessary to make the next date. They recommend this approach so that you save your most interesting stories and conversation topics for your actual date where they will have a greater impact rather than sharing all this over the phone.
For many people, especially women, it can be hard to stop talking once we get started. A simple “how was work?” can end up with a reply that gives a summary of an entire career. By the very nature of texting you will not accidentally spill your life story ahead of time even if you can make your thumbs fly across those keys.
Of course just like talking on the phone there are rules when it comes to texting during that flirting, getting to know you stage. The woman who stares at the phone waiting to reply instantly to a text from that new guy she met is just as bad as the woman who picks up the phone on the first ring as soon as she sees that it is him calling. Some of the rules in texting are the same as for phone calls, but since is it a whole different technology, texting also has its own special set of does and don’t s that will determine whether your flirting stage is successful or disastrous. To learn more about how to use texting to help your dating life visit Mike at MikeTheMasterDater, where he shares his tried and true texting tips as well as some very funny stories.
What do you think about texting and relationships? Do you text or do you avoid it in favor of calling? Please share your thoughts and stories in the comment section.
Tags: courtship and dating, dating advice for women, dating chatting, dating tips, flirting text messages, flirting tips, love text messages
Posted in communication, dating | 17 Comments »
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Nearly every woman ends up discussing her relationship with friends or family at one time or another. These people are part of our support system, so it is natural that we turn to them when there are things that we want to discuss, including our relationships. Whether we have a little gripe, a relationship crisis or just one of those “would you believe what he did” moments, the odds are good that at some point you will be speaking about your relationship with someone other than your partner.
