Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘communication’ Category
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
 If you’ve moved any time within the past few years, then this week’s title may having you saying “no way, moving equals stress, stress equals fighting.” Having moved at least eight times (as I sit here sounded by boxes I can honestly say I’ve lost track) and to five different states during my 16 years of marriage, I can assure you that I know moving is stressful. Of course lots of things in life are stressful and the best thing to do under any circumstance is to get support from your partner rather than just making sure that they share in your stress.
I know that this is easier said than done, but since I have become the “moving maven” I thought I’d share my biggest tip for keeping the peace in your relationship when it’s time to move. Although moving is stressful for everyone, I am mainly going to address this one to the ladies, since we tend to be the keeper of the nest (yes, that sounds sexist, but it sounds truthful too.) I’ve handled some moves better than others, and I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, so here is my number one tip for avoiding fighting with your man as you move.
Don’t mess with the “guy stuff” when it’s time to move.
We all know that guys have “guy stuff.” It may be never used tools, a set of weights buried in the basement, or fishing equipment that has accumulated cobwebs. The exact contents will vary with the personality and hobbies of your man, but he is sure to have something that takes up a fair amount of space that he hasn’t used in ages, if ever. Normally, it’s fine to ask him about getting rid of this stuff from time to time. Hey, you never know when you may get lucky and he’ll agree that it is time to get rid of it.
The big caution here is that the time to bring this up getting rid of the neglected items is not when you’re planning a move. Moving is a fine time to clear those places where things accumulate, like the basement and garage, but it works best if you each get rid of your own stuff. It’s tempting to make wise cracks about getting rid of his old stuff when you’re planning a move. Even though having a pile of unused items ready for packing and staring you in the face may seem like an opportune time to suggest purging these items, resist this temptation and stay quiet.
For the most part, I’m not usually a big believer in being quiet, but a move is one of those big stressful events in a relationship, where a seemingly small issue can cause a big argument. In fact, one of the most controversial dilemmas I’ve ever seen on LuvemOrLeavem had to do with a women disposing of her guys stuff without telling him first. I don’t usually have a lot of men that post comments, but the men were militant on this one. They were so unhappy with the actions of this woman, that they made it clear that they were voting “Leavem” only because there wasn’t an option of “He should leave you.”
So there it is, my biggest tip ever for not turning a move into a battle of the sexes. It may sound very simple, but as I’ve said before “sometimes the best way to improve communication in a relationship is to focus on what not to say rather than what to say.”
What do you think? Please share your thoughts, tips and stories about how moving can affect a relationship and how to handle the stress.
P.S. A big thank you to the great people over at DateDaily.com who featured us on their dating and relationship site.
![]()
Tags: don't let moving stress your relationship, love and relationship tips, moving and relationships, moving stress, moving tips, reduce relationship stress
Posted in advice for women, communication | 10 Comments »
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
 I’ve written extensively about technology harming our relationships, and my ideas have been met with an equal number of readers that agree and disagree with me. My main concern is what happens to our relationships with the people that are most important to us when we send a text instead of seeing them in person, or when we are texting someone else when we should be giving our undivided attention to the person that is right next to us. I have to admit that I never thought much about the benefits that technology can provide during the early stages of a relationship when we are still getting to know a person and are trying to evaluate whether this relationship has the potential to become serious.
The person who really got me thinking about how use technology in a developing relationship is our newest Advice Panel video blogger, Mike the Master Dater, who has written the definitive guide about dating and texting. Not being one to text, I was surprised to find that as I read about how Mike uses texting that I could actually appreciate that it can be a valuable way to communicate, especially during that getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship.
So, what value can texting add to a developing relationship? And what it can it do for you that you can’t accomplish with a phone call? While talking on the phone is still part of the dating ritual during that flirting and getting to know you stage of dating, there are many potential pitfalls to talking on the phone. In fact, on LuvemOrLeavem we often hear about mistakes that women have made during phone conversations that they wish had never taken place. After going reading through many of these phone conversation horror stories and reading through Mike’s tips on dating and texting, I’ve compiled a list of features that I think make texting more appealing than speaking over the phone for a variety of dating situations.
Your Voice Conveys Emotion- When we want to very clear about how we feel about something we usually want to do so by phone. For example, when I tell my husband that he must be home soon because the kids are wild I do this by phone because my voice conveys that urgency (as do the screaming kids in the background.) Of course when you’re telling a guy that you’re just getting to know that it is “all right” that he can’t go with you to a party tonight, you probably don’t want your voice to convey just how disappointed you are. Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how you word it as you try to sound casual, he will know how you really feel.
Most of Us Can’t “Wing It” in Conversation- We all know that witty person whose mouth can move as fast as their brain, but they are very rare. Most of us blurt out a reply when we feel that we are on the spot to answer, and then hours later our brain provides us with that witty reply that we wish we had thought of at the time. With texting you can take the time to formulate a response and maybe even think of that brilliant reply before you hit send.
Keeps You From Saying Too Much- Most dating coaches encourage singles to avoid revealing too much during lengthy phone conversations. In general, many coaches recommend that you not speak on the phone for much longer than is necessary to make the next date. They recommend this approach so that you save your most interesting stories and conversation topics for your actual date where they will have a greater impact rather than sharing all this over the phone.
For many people, especially women, it can be hard to stop talking once we get started. A simple “how was work?” can end up with a reply that gives a summary of an entire career. By the very nature of texting you will not accidentally spill your life story ahead of time even if you can make your thumbs fly across those keys.
Of course just like talking on the phone there are rules when it comes to texting during that flirting, getting to know you stage. The woman who stares at the phone waiting to reply instantly to a text from that new guy she met is just as bad as the woman who picks up the phone on the first ring as soon as she sees that it is him calling. Some of the rules in texting are the same as for phone calls, but since is it a whole different technology, texting also has its own special set of does and don’t s that will determine whether your flirting stage is successful or disastrous. To learn more about how to use texting to help your dating life visit Mike at MikeTheMasterDater, where he shares his tried and true texting tips as well as some very funny stories.
What do you think about texting and relationships? Do you text or do you avoid it in favor of calling? Please share your thoughts and stories in the comment section.
![]()
Tags: courtship and dating, dating advice for women, dating chatting, dating tips, flirting text messages, flirting tips, love text messages
Posted in communication, dating | 15 Comments »
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
 As the holidays approach, women often begin to move their desire for a marriage proposal to the top of their wish list. This may be a result of all the advertisements for jewelry that flood radio and television this time of year, or it may be out of a desire to share one more joyous occasion with friends and family that we may only get to see during the holiday season. Of course there are those women who may be hoping for a proposal just so they don’t have to face that awkward moment when all their female relatives descend on her boyfriend demanding to know just when it is that he plans to marry her.
While getting engaged during the holidays can provide a special opportunity to share this occasion with extended family, it can also give this event more fanfare than you may enjoy. Although most holiday engagements take place privately between the couple and are later shared with family, there are those men who just can’t resist proposing in front of a built in audience. The problem with a public proposal is that it often involves something bigger and flashier than a private proposal. No matter how a man decides to propose to a woman, I do think that there are some questions that he needs to ask himself to make the most out of popping the question.
Is this all about me?- The root of my problem with big, flashy engagements stems from the fact that many men that choose this route are big attention seekers. When asking someone to marry you, you need to carefully consider whether the person you are proposing to would really want the engagement to be a big display. If you are proposing in front of friends and family, then this may be what she wants too. On the other hand, if you want to pop the question at a sporting event with the two of you displayed on a big screen monitor, you may be trying to make this all about you.
Sharing a special moment with a stadium full of strangers and a camera zoomed in on her every move is not usually the way most women envision their engagement. Now of course your beloved may be just as much as an attention seeker as you are, in which case you should remember that a big public proposal still has a slim chance of landing the two of you your own reality television show.
Am I trivializing this event?- A few years ago there were all types of stories popping up about proposals that were delivered via text message. Recently, there seems to be a recent rash of FaceBook and Twitter proposals in the news, and just like texting, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to take such an important moment and make it so impersonal. Tiffany at Engagement101 just did a post about these Twitter Proposals, and I have to agree with her assessment that “there’s something tacky about mixing romance and technology.”
Do I really want to hide that ring?- Hiding a ring among a dozen roses or somewhere at her place where she will find it during the day are popular suggestions on lists of proposal ideas, but if the ring isn’t found or gets lost, this plan is disastrous. Of course if you’re entertaining the idea of “surprising” her with a ring by hiding it in food, you really need to consider just how badly this could go.
Am I making this personal? There are all kinds of companies that have sprung up that promise to create a “personal, never to be forgotten” proposal for you. As far as the “never to be forgotten” part, the kind of proposal that these companies can create is only limited by your wallet. They can plan a proposal high up in the Eiffel Tower, on the beach in Maui, and can even arrange for a plane with a “Will you marry me?” banner in these exotic locations.
Of course, I don’t think that any company can create a “personal” proposal for you. Keep in mind that the first two definitions of “personal” are 1) coming from a particular person and 2) intended for a particular person. A personal proposal needs to be something that comes from the heart. The words should express that you want more than anything to spend the rest of your life with her. If you can convey this sentiment to her, then that is more precious than a fancy location or even a giant diamond.
So there are my “rules of engagement.” They are not trendy, they don’t require any special abilities and they are not dependent on a large budget. While it is important to make this event special, it is important to keep things in perspective and remember that a proposal is still merely the first step towards a lifetime together.
So what do you think about proposals? Big and fancy, plain and simple or somewhere in between? Of course if you’d like to share your engagement stories we’d love to hear those too! Please share you thoughts in the comments section.
![]()
Tags: engagement, if he wants to marry, marriage proposal, proposal, proposals, romance, wedding
Posted in communication | 12 Comments »
Sunday, October 4th, 2009
 Our ability to connect more easily to the rest of the world seems to have left many people less connected in their real life relationships. I’m always amazed at how many people I see ignoring the person next to them while they talk or text on cell phones or check emails on BlackBerries. I also notice how many people post problems to LuvemOrLeavem that are centered around technology invading their homes in the form of FaceBook, chatrooms, and even video games.
I’ve written before about the problems that come from using technology for any type of cybersex relationship, and most people seem to recognize how this behavior can be destructive to a relationship. For this post, I’m focusing on uses of technology that we usually view as harmless and even a “natural” part of everyday life. These “harmless” technologies can be just as harmful to a relationship because we accept them as part of our lives, yet they can take away precious time that we should be spending with our loved ones. With that said, I do think that by following some rules that are really rooted in common courtesy, that we can eliminate letting technology destroy our relationships.
Cell Phones- If you are out with a real live person, enjoy their company and forget about the phone. Unless it’s your child, or some dire emergency call, just let it go to voice mail and call them back later. In any case, there is never a reason to be on a long phone call while you are out with someone. The most offensive thing is when I see people that are on a cell phone while they are out having dinner with someone. The other person looks bored to tears. To add insult to injury, when you catch a bit of their conversation you will often hear the person say into their phone “nothing, what are you doing?” The rules for texting and mobile email are the same as for talking–emergency use only.
“Socializing” on the Internet- This includes FaceBook, Twitter, chatrooms, or any other form of socializing on the internet. If the time you spend with friends online takes away from time that you can spend with real live people, then there is a problem. I hear complaints all the time from men and women about how their partner will ignore them and sit in front of the computer for hours updating Twitter and FaceBook. As a general rule, I don’t think that you should be socializing on the internet when there are people around you that you can socialize with. I also think it’s a problem if you turn down opportunities to socialize in person in favor of staying home and “socializing” on your computer.
Video Games- Until recently, I thought that video game addiction was strictly a problem that only affected kids. Of course video games have been around for quite some time now. So these kids have had a chance to grow into adults that may never have broken this addiction.
I read about one very sad case where a woman was struggling with how to manage her husband’s video game addiction. He was ignoring her as well as many of his responsibilities in favor of playing these games. She tried learning the games to turn this into something that they could do together, but it consumed too much time. Setting limits on the time spent playing was another thing that she tried, but the addiction almost seemed like that of an alcoholic. Even the smallest amount of playing seemed to turn into hours. After reading her story I really felt that it sounded like he needed to go “cold turkey” when it came to playing video games.
So whether the problem is cell phones, the internet or video games, technology is something that should make our lives simpler. When technology starts to complicate our lives by harming our personal relationships, then it’s time to make some changes in our behavior. If you find that you have trouble setting and sticking to limits on your use of technology, then you may need to seek professional help. It may seem strange to think about seeking help for a technology addiction but it’s better to address it rather than reaching the point where you are more comfortable interacting through technology rather than having face to face conversations.
So what do you think? Can using technology be a real addiction? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
 ![]()
Tags: communication, communication problems, cyber sex, internet relationship, relationship problems, technology and relationships
Posted in advice for women, communication, relationship problems | 20 Comments »
|
If you’ve moved any time within the past few years, then this week’s title may having you saying “no way, moving equals stress, stress equals fighting.” Having moved at least eight times (as I sit here sounded by boxes I can honestly say I’ve lost track) and to five different states during my 16 years of marriage, I can assure you that I know moving is stressful. Of course lots of things in life are stressful and the best thing to do under any circumstance is to get support from your partner rather than just making sure that they share in your stress.
