Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘advice for women’ Category
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
 It used to be that having a physical relationship with someone determined whether a friend of the opposite sex was merely “just a friend” or whether they would be considered your boyfriend or girlfriend. The notion of a “friends with benefits” relationship no longer draws this distinction. It is based on the idea that someone can still be a “friend” even if you sleep with them from time to time when you happen to not be dating anyone. The official definition from Urban Dictionary is as follows:
Friends with Benefits (FWB): Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without any kind of commitment.
Not surprisingly, it is often people in their mid-twenties and younger that often tout the advantages of these types of FWB relationships, although there are an increasing number of bloggers in their mid-thirties that are also strong advocates of this type of arrangement. No matter how many times I read stories about people that are very content with these types of relationships, I just don’t believe that two people can have a physical relationship and both be happy with “just keeping it casual.” Here are the main problems that I see with this notion that a relationship can be casual and sexual at the same time.
Ongoing and Casual? Despite how much people that enjoy these relationships talk about the benefits of the “casual sex” that their FWB provides, I don’t think that a relationship that is ongoing is really casual. If the desire from both people were really just to go out and have casual sex, then they would sleep with each other and then move on to someone else. The fact that they repeatedly sleep with this “friend,” even if they take a break when one of the two is involved in a romantic relationship with someone else, implies that there is an ongoing relationship that is something more than truly “casual.”
One is Content, One Wants More- Usually we just hear from one person involved in a friends with benefits relationship, and they often tell us how well this works out. They talk about how they have this great friend that they can go to the movies with or even get relationship advice from when they are in a relationship, yet if they are “between relationships” this person is available to satisfy their physical needs. They make it sound so simple, that it’s tempting to believe that this is true, but of course this is just one side of the story.
On the occasions when we have gotten both sides of the story, it never sounds nearly this simple. The answers from one of the “friends” always seems to include a longing to be more than “just friends.” They seem to have agreed to this situation with the hopes that it would evolve into a romantic relationship rather than because they’re perfectly happy this FWB arrangement. We tackled the friends with benefits topic in our Advice Panel video series, and many of the vloggers and people that they interviewed originally felt that these relationships could work, but over time they changed their views. It seems that how positive you feel about these relationships depends on whether you view yourself as being on the giving end or on the receiving end.
No Good Ending- Since we usually do find that one person is less than satisfied with a friends with benefits relationship, there really isn’t a good ending for either person. The person who wants more out of the relationship has obviously set him or herself up for heartache, when the relationship does not evolve into a romantic, committed relationship. Even the person who is happy with the status of the relationship often ends up miserable, because many of them do describe their friend with benefits as one of their closest friends. Although it seems obvious to me that hoping to casually sleep with a best friend is a surefire way to lose a friend, I’m often surprised by just how miserable these people are when they lose a good friend after trying to turn a friendship into a friends with benefits situation.
So, no matter how many times I hear that a friends with benefits relationship is the “best of both worlds,” I just don’t believe it. I think that a relationship is changed forever once two people are intimate and that they can never go back to being “just friends.” Apparently both people in the relationship don’t always realize that the nature of the relationship was changed in a fundamental way once the relationship became physical, which is why I think that so many people are willing to declare these arrangements a success.
What do you think? Can two people continue to merely be friends once the relationship has become physical? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: casual relationship, casual sex, friends with benefits, friends with opposite sex
Posted in advice for women, friends and lovers | 6 Comments »
Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
 Jennifer Aniston has been stirring up debate about whether or not a woman needs a man when she decides she wants to have a baby. In her new movie, The Switch, she plays a woman turning 40 who decides to have a baby “without a man” by visiting a sperm bank. In a recent article from Yahoo she is quoted as saying “Women are realizing more and more that you don’t have to settle, they don’t have to fiddle with a man to have that child.”
First of all, whether there is “fiddling” or not, a man is necessary for creating a baby. More importantly, this notion is an insult to loving fathers everywhere, and it marginalizes the importance of their role in child rearing. Here are some of the strange notions being cited to advocate this idea that a woman doesn’t need a man when she wants to have a child, along with my opinions of why each notion is flawed.
Many Women Can Afford To Raise Kids on Their Own- Yes, I agree that it’s great that Jen’s kids will not live in poverty, like so many of the children raised by single moms, if she chooses this option. What I don’t understand is how anyone can think that this implies that a dad isn’t needed just because mom makes a great income. A few years back there were many articles about celebrity single moms who were looking to hire a “manny” (male nanny) so that their children could grow up with a male role model. This seems to have fallen out of vogue, as I’m sure that these women discovered that just as “money can’t buy you love” money also cannot buy a loving father.
Women Have a Biological Clock. Should That Deprive Them of a Child?- I sympathize with women who want to be mothers, but haven’t found a man that they want to marry by the time that biological clock is winding down. Despite that, I can’t help but feel that women who tout this argument are putting their own needs over the needs of their future child. I understand women not wanting to be deprived of the chance to a be a mother, but I don’t think that this should be at the expense of deliberately depriving a child of having a father in their life.
The Number of Single Moms Proves Women Don’t Need Men- This is an argument that I usually hear from single women who don’t have children. Let’s not forget that the majority of single moms are not single by choice. In fact, many single moms are the biggest proponents for the importance of a father in a child’s life. I hear from single moms all the time who have worked hard to maintain an amicable relationship with their exes despite their personal feelings because they understand how important fathers are in the lives of their children.
Unfortunately, we also hear from many single moms whose exes are not active in the lives of their children. Here is a quote that is typical of the stories that single moms dealing with absentee dad share with us: “I think I do a good job of being mom and dad, but I want to cry when I see the neighbor kids playing catch with their dad, my kids deserve a dad like that.” So yes, while these women feel that they are capable of raising children on their own, I don’t hear them advocating that children can grow up without a father without any negative consequences.
Rather than searching for words to sum up my feelings about women choosing to become single moms, I’ll leave you with these words from a commenter on the Yahoo article who grew up without a father. “My dad died when I was seven. Having grown up without a father had a major influence on my life and the choices I made. I can’t imagine anyone intentionally depriving a child of that relationship. Yes, woman are CAPABLE of doing it alone, but that doesn’t mean everything turns out ok. Yes, there are terrible fathers out there who DO stick around. But overall, a child should have both parents.”
What do you think? Should a woman willingly set out to become a single mom? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: jennifer aniston, movie the switch, single moms, single parent, sperm bank, sperm donor
Posted in advice for women, marriage | 9 Comments »
Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
 I’ve written many times about the many ways that marriage has gotten a bad reputation. Whether it’s stories about celebrities caught in cheating scandals, or watching the couples around them filing for divorce, many people are questioning just how desirable it is to be married. So forget about the bleak statistics for modern day marriage, today’s post will strictly take a light examine several of the negative terms that are used to describe various aspects of marriage.
Wedlock- Maybe it’s because it sounds so similar to headlock or maybe it’s just the inclusion of the word “lock” that makes this term sound so unappealing. Either way, it sounds likes something that is meant to trap you against your will, and does not conjure up happy images.
Tying the Knot- I’ve read varying accounts of how this expression came to refer to marriage and most have to do with stories about wedding ceremonies where the bride and groom would be tied together to symbolize being “bound together.” Most people don’t relish in the idea of marriage being the equivalent of a physical restriction. When people talk about “being tied down” by marriage, it is certainly not meant to express their happiness with marriage.
I did find one romantic legend regarding this term that tells a tale of sailors proposing be sending their sweetheart a length of rope and knowing that the proposal was accepted if the rope was return to them with a knot tied in it. Despite that sweet tale, knots are more often used to describe a situation that involves a tangle or a hindrance, rather than the more romantic notion of two things being intertwined as one.
Institution of Marriage- Most people don’t view the word “institution” in a very favorable way. School, prison and mental hospitals some of the most common places that are referred to as institutions, and we tend to view them as places that are mandatory under certain circumstances, not something that we would freely choose.
Marriage License- Yes, this little piece of paper makes it official that you are married in the eyes of the law. Many states have started to refer to this document as a marriage certificate, and that really isn’t surprising. There is something about a certificate that we associate with achievement, while there is something about obtaining a license that we associate with standing in long lines and perhaps taking a test. Obtaining any type of license is not usually something that we get all excited about.
Bridegroom- For centuries this was the official term for a man about to be married, but for the most part this term has been replaced with the word “groom.” This isn’t surprising, because bridegroom sounds eerily like a man has gone from being a man to being a strange hybrid that is part bride and part groom. Marriage is a merging in many ways, but most men don’t want to feel that they have gone from being a man to being part man and part woman.
So there you have some of the most common negative terms that are associated with marriage, courtesy of our own research and suggestion from our loyal Twitter followers. Marriage has changed in many ways since the days when women wore corsets and a proper gentleman didn’t go out in public without a hat. The terms that we associate with marriage could also use a little updating, especially when it comes to giving marriage a positive sound. It would nice to have more words that make marriage sound like something that should be celebrated rather than words that make it sound like a punishment.
What do you think? What are your thoughts about these terms? Any terms you’d like to add? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Other Fun Relationship Posts
Rules of Relationships
The Husband Test
Tags: bridegroom, marriage fun, negative marriage terms, terms for marriage, tying the knot, wedlock
Posted in advice for women, fun relationship facts, marriage | 11 Comments »
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
 Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman. It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash. It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.
When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time. Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.” From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.
One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them. I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values. If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.
I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her. When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision. It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision. Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.
Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into. As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor. No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.
It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy. In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it. The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around. Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.
So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them. On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious. When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.
What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You
Tags: I'm ready for marriage he's not, men who won't marry, should I stay with him, why won't he marry me
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 13 Comments »
|
It used to be that having a physical relationship with someone determined whether a friend of the opposite sex was merely “just a friend” or whether they would be considered your boyfriend or girlfriend. The notion of a “friends with benefits” relationship no longer draws this distinction. It is based on the idea that someone can still be a “friend” even if you sleep with them from time to time when you happen to not be dating anyone. The official definition from Urban Dictionary is as follows:
