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5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

After delving into the two main reasons why some men date women for years but refuse to marry them, I was bombarded by emails from women asking “how do I know if he’s just a procrastinator or if he really never plans to marry me?” Now it’s true that women often bring up the issue of marriage more quickly than men, but as my friends over at The Guys Perspective point out, “when a guy is really interested in a woman he doesn’t play games.” I think that this is really what the signs that I’m going to list are all about, they indicate that a man has moved into the realm of game playing so that he can continue to date her while avoiding the commitment of marriage.

1. You Have Been Reduced to Begging- For the woman who has been doing some serious hinting about getting married, it is often very hard to realize that conversations about marriage have been replaced with begging and pleading. I’ve written many time about smart, strong women who don’t make smart choices in relationships. Women who would demand a raise at work rather than begging for one somehow fall into a trap where they are begging a man to marry them. If you have been reduced to begging, it is time to move on. Not only does he not plan on marrying you, but the type of guy who strings a woman along like this is likely to move on to more complex stalling tactics that can drag on for years without ever tying the knot.

2. Waiting for the Right Time- It sounds very responsible for your guy to say that he will ask you to marry him as soon as it is “the right time,” but this is usually another stalling tactic. I’ve heard all kinds of excuses for why it’s not the perfect time that range from men who want to wait for a big promotion at work to one man who wanted to make sure that his brother had enough time to grieve after his divorce before he was “forced” to participate in wedding festivities. People manage to tie the knot during less than perfect circumstances all the time. Nearly every member of the clergy has a story about a bride or groom who had to that hobble down the aisle after breaking a leg or having some serious injury before their wedding. Remember these couples when you’re evaluating whether his reason for waiting has merit or not.

3. He suggests a “trial period”- Men who want to get married propose to their lady. They don’t try to find a way to delay things by recommending that you have a trial period of living together “just to make sure that we’re compatible with each other.” We get letters from women all the time who agreed to these “trial periods” and they’ve all either left the relationship or are many years into their “trial period.”

4. An Engagement With No Date Set- Many guys find that presenting a women with a diamond ring is a great stalling technique. The men that have the financial means, can often get years worth of stall time with a large enough diamond. If you’ve been engaged for more than a few months and you still don’t have a date set, then the odds of you walking down the aisle with this man are extremely slim. The same goes for dates set two or more years into the future (see rescheduled wedding.)

5. The Rescheduled Wedding- This often starts out as a wedding date that is set for years in the future. As the date gets closer (close enough to start making real plans) the date gets moved out. Let’s face it, in all aspects of life we tend to reschedule things that we’re not looking forward to (like going to the dentist) and keep or move up the dates for things that we really want to do. If you had a long engagement that was rescheduled as soon as it got close enough to where you needed to start putting down deposits with wedding halls, caterers, etc, then he is sending you a message that he does not intend to ever go through with the wedding.

So there are the 5 most common signs that he won’t be marrying you. I have seen women struggle with these signs both in real life and in the stories that they share with us on LuvemOrLeavem. If you are in any of these situations, then your time and energy would be better spent finding a new man who is ready to commit to you rather than waiting around for your current man to walk down the aisle with you.

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Tags: fear of commitment, men who refuse to marry, men who won't marry, why won't he commit
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 11 Comments »

Don’t Let Moving Stress Cause Relationship Stress

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

If you’ve moved any time within the past few years, then this week’s title may having you saying “no way, moving equals stress, stress equals fighting.” Having moved at least eight times (as I sit here sounded by boxes I can honestly say I’ve lost track) and to five different states during my 16 years of marriage, I can assure you that I know moving is stressful. Of course lots of things in life are stressful and the best thing to do under any circumstance is to get support from your partner rather than just making sure that they share in your stress.

I know that this is easier said than done, but since I have become the “moving maven” I thought I’d share my biggest tip for keeping the peace in your relationship when it’s time to move. Although moving is stressful for everyone, I am mainly going to address this one to the ladies, since we tend to be the keeper of the nest (yes, that sounds sexist, but it sounds truthful too.) I’ve handled some moves better than others, and I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, so here is my number one tip for avoiding fighting with your man as you move.

Don’t mess with the “guy stuff” when it’s time to move.

We all know that guys have “guy stuff.” It may be never used tools, a set of weights buried in the basement, or fishing equipment that has accumulated cobwebs. The exact contents will vary with the personality and hobbies of your man, but he is sure to have something that takes up a fair amount of space that he hasn’t used in ages, if ever. Normally, it’s fine to ask him about getting rid of this stuff from time to time. Hey, you never know when you may get lucky and he’ll agree that it is time to get rid of it.

The big caution here is that the time to bring this up getting rid of the neglected items is not when you’re planning a move. Moving is a fine time to clear those places where things accumulate, like the basement and garage, but it works best if you each get rid of your own stuff. It’s tempting to make wise cracks about getting rid of his old stuff when you’re planning a move. Even though having a pile of unused items ready for packing and staring you in the face may seem like an opportune time to suggest purging these items, resist this temptation and stay quiet.

For the most part, I’m not usually a big believer in being quiet, but a move is one of those big stressful events in a relationship, where a seemingly small issue can cause a big argument. In fact, one of the most controversial dilemmas I’ve ever seen on LuvemOrLeavem had to do with a women disposing of her guys stuff without telling him first. I don’t usually have a lot of men that post comments, but the men were militant on this one. They were so unhappy with the actions of this woman, that they made it clear that they were voting “Leavem” only because there wasn’t an option of “He should leave you.”

So there it is, my biggest tip ever for not turning a move into a battle of the sexes. It may sound very simple, but as I’ve said before “sometimes the best way to improve communication in a relationship is to focus on what not to say rather than what to say.”

What do you think? Please share your thoughts, tips and stories about how moving can affect a relationship and how to handle the stress.

P.S. A big thank you to the great people over at DateDaily.com who featured us on their dating and relationship site.

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Tags: don't let moving stress your relationship, love and relationship tips, moving and relationships, moving stress, moving tips, reduce relationship stress
Posted in advice for women, communication | 10 Comments »

Creating Love in the Kitchen

Friday, February 12th, 2010

A while back on LuvemOrLeavem we had a debate over relationship cliches, and the one that caused the most uproar was “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Things started to get ugly as men posted about how it important it was to them that their future wife was a good cook. Some women thought these men were living in the past and were stuck on an outdated notion that “a woman’s place is in the kitchen.”

Luckily, we had some brave men who confessed that they felt most loved by their wives when they took the time to prepare a nice meal for them and that changed the tone of the discussion. Now it turns out that most women did the cooking in their relationships, and it was more the expectation that women should be able to cook more than the actual cooking that riled up these women. This brings me to today’s interview with Nadia G from The Bitchin’ Kitchen web tv show. Nadia is the embodiment of the attitude that our women expressed about cooking. They didn’t mind it as long as their efforts were met with love and appreciation rather than a pile of shirts to iron once the dinner dishes were cleaned and put away. So here is what the Nadia G had to say when we spoke to her about love and cooking:

LuvemOrLeavem: We’ve had huge debates about love and food, how important is it that a woman can cook?

Nadia: As an Italian I’m convinced that they way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Honestly, I think the ability to whip up a great meal is a definite asset. See, humans aren’t super complex creatures: a good meal can get you what ever you want. A great meal guarantees it.

Luvem: How can a woman make sure that cooking a special meal for her guy isn’t a green light for him to expect elaborate meals every day?

Nadia: I’ve always enjoyed spoiling my past boyfriends with a coupla stellar meals here and there, but they’ve never expected it on a daily basis. If your man expects an extravagant meal every day, and has the audacity to badger you about it, always remember that there are other uses for a wooden spoon.

Luvem: What about those women who can’t cook? Any tips on getting started?

Nadia: Being able to cook for yourself is so important, especially with all the crappy food that’s out there: additives, hormones, whopping amounts of sodium, saturated fats and sugar… Cooking is easy, all one has to do pick-up a cookbook and be willing to get their hands dirty, no need to be intimidated by food. So what if you mess up? But if she really has no interest in rocking her kitchen, then I say try to buy organic prepped food as much as possible. At least you know the meals don’t contain any nasty surprises.

Luvem: For those take-out women, should they be honest or try to pass off this food as their own?

Nadia: I say: be honest. Lying takes too much energy, and at the end of the day, people don’t really care where the food comes from as long as it’s tasty.

Luvem: What about men in the kitchen? How do you get him to do something beyond using the microwave?

Nadia: I hear you, it ain’t easy to get someone to start cooking… I’d say go Pavolvian on his butt. Good meal, he gets a treat… No meal, no treat. Nothing like “positive” reinforcement, mwahahahaha!

Valentine’s Day Cooking- Since many of our readers have told us that tight budgets will have them cooking on Valentine’s Day, here are Nadia’s top suggestions:

Top suggestion for women to make: Men like meat, so I’d suggest she make him the Filet Mignon with Coco-Chili Sauce for Valentine’s Day

Top suggestion for men to make: Women LOVE chocolate so I suggest he make her some dessert, maybe a Chocolate Fondue with salty pretzels.

Luvem: Should your Vday meal vary based on the stage of your relationship? For example, 1) newly dating 2) dating for a while 3) where the heck is my ring?

Nadia: 1) If you’re dating someone new, this is the time to bamboozle them. I’d say go all out with a 3 course V-Day dinner of Panko Shrimp & Strawberries, Filet Mignon with a maple Balsamic Reduction, and Spicy Dark Chocolate Soufflés for dessert…

2) If you’ve been dating for a while, there’s nothing like snuggling up to some comfort food: elevate a shepherd’s pie with ground organic sirloin, fresh grilled corn, and mix of sweet n’ russet potato mash. Top with smoked paprika, amp up some ketchup with hot sauce, and man, you’ve got yourself a party.

3) Where the heck is my ring? LOL. If you can’t get him to buy the ring, you may as well get him to buy you dinner. Head to a 5-star resto and shkoff on his tab.

Luvem: What is your opinion of famous women in the kitchen (Julia Child, Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray)? Are they role models for women or old fashioned stereo types?

Nadia: Julia Child and Martha Stewart are pioneers, they built empires on what was once considered mere “women’s work”, and you gotta give them props for that. I respect Rachael Ray, although she’s a bit too saccharine for my taste: Cooking up nachos for your husband’s Super Bowl party? Yea OK. In my book, I’d ship him off to a sports bar and have my girlfriends over for a make-your-own-spring roll/ gossip party. She’s got her thing, I’ve got mine.

Luvem: It sounds like you have recipes for every time in a relationship including breaking up and making up. What is your favorite relationship themed recipe?

Nadia: My uncle Pasqua used to say: There’s a meal for every occasion and an occasion for every meal…” No one was ever more right (or sweaty.) Its hard for me to single out a meal/ theme… But if I really have to: I’d go with the Break Up Meal. It’s good to leave ‘em with a good taste in their mouth, remember you once cared for them, but more importantly: they know your secrets and probably got ‘em on tape…

As you can probably tell from her answers, Nadia has a non-intimidating and fun approach to cooking. Her recipes are delicious, but not too complicated and her show is filled with humor. After all where else can you find a cooking show that exclaims that its low fat meal has “less fat than Nicole Richie in a sauna?” So go visit Nadia over at the Bitchin’ Kitchen.

How about you? Do you like to cook for that special someone or are you just fine with take out? Better yet, do you have a special someone who cooks for you? Please share your thoughts in our comments section.

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Tags: bitchin' kitchen, cook for your man, nadia g, showing love, way to man's heart is through stomach, web cooking show
Posted in advice for women, fun relationship facts | 14 Comments »

Romance, Happiness and Children

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

love and children Recently, numerous articles have been surfacing stating that the romance goes out of a relationship once a couple has children. Many of these articles claim to based on the report Life Without Children which was produced by the National Marriage Project. While the report mainly concludes that couples are not as likely to feel that having children is essential to a happy marriage, the articles that reference this report often manipulate its conclusions to try to prove that couples are not as happy after they have children.

I felt that it was time to address this topic as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving here in the United States. During this time we tend to reflect on the things that we are most thankful for in life, especially our families. For those of us that have children, our children are usually the top of this list. Of course our children are not a source of joy during every moment of every day, but to imply that couples were happier before they had children is troubling to me. I have listed the reasons why I feel that these articles claiming that couples are less happy after having children are totally misguided in making this conclusion.

Happiness is More Than Romance- If you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, you’ve probably discovered that romance comes in cycles. Being treated to gifts of flowers and candlelit dinners tends to decrease in frequency after the initial “courting” stage, and over time these romantic gestures tend to be reserved for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Now I do agree that after children the amount of “romance” in a relationship does decrease for quite awhile. When you’re spending most of your time and energy caring for small children, there’s not much left over to devote to romance.

Despite less time for traditional romance, I don’t believe that happiness in a relationship decreases every time romance decreases. I think that many of the romantic gestures from the pre-children stage of our relationship are replaced with acts of love from our partner that are more lasting than fleeting romantic gestures. For example, any woman who has heard her husband proclaim “I’ll get the baby” when they are abruptly awoken by crying in the middle of the night knows that no amount of candlelit dinners and flowers can replace the surge of love that she feels for him at that time. I also think that even the toughest of men can have their hearts melt as they watch their wife undergo the pain of child birth to bring the baby that is a part of both of them into the world.

Children Reveal Us for What We Are- It has been said that marriage reveals a person for who they really are and that children reveal a marriage for what it really is. Whether it is surviving sleep deprived nights, a toddler who has mastered “no,” or a teen who is trying to rebel, much of our “true self” is revealed during the challenges of raising kids. Some of us are ready to be seen by our partner at both our best and our worst, but many are not. I have heard people say that they could not imagine loving their partner more than they already did until they saw how loving they were with their child. Unfortunately, I have also heard people say that they never really knew their partner until they were raising a child together and they discovered things about their partner, especially in the areas of morality and religion, that they didn’t like and didn’t want to see passed on to their child.

Happiness Lost or Hoping for Happiness- I don’t usually feel the need to question whether someone is truly happy or not, but I can’t help but question whether or not a couple was really happy if they say that their happiness declined after having a child. I’ve heard couples say that they hoped that a child would fill a void in their marriage, and then complain that having a child was not at all the way they thought it would be. If you are counting on happiness being given to you by someone else, whether it is a spouse or a child, then you are destined to be disappointed when that happiness is not provided to you. Happiness can be enhanced by those who touch our lives, but it cannot be given to us by anyone but ourselves.

So yes, having a child is a lot of work and it certainly can cause strain on a couple and even change their notion of romance. I don’t believe for a minute though, that a little less romance equals less happiness when the decline in romance is due to the duties of parenting rather than just choosing to neglect devoting any time to romance. I also think that much of the decline in romance happens early in the child rearing process and that over time as children get older and parents adjust to parenting, that the romance in a relationship often makes a comeback. I firmly believe that even couples that are at a low point in their relationship when it comes to romance will be listing their kids as number one as they list what they are thankful for during all Thanksgiving celebrations.

So what do you think? Do couples need to fear that they will be less happy after they have children, or should they just ignore articles that make this claim? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.