Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category
Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
 Jennifer Aniston has been stirring up debate about whether or not a woman needs a man when she decides she wants to have a baby. In her new movie, The Switch, she plays a woman turning 40 who decides to have a baby “without a man” by visiting a sperm bank. In a recent article from Yahoo she is quoted as saying “Women are realizing more and more that you don’t have to settle, they don’t have to fiddle with a man to have that child.”
First of all, whether there is “fiddling” or not, a man is necessary for creating a baby. More importantly, this notion is an insult to loving fathers everywhere, and it marginalizes the importance of their role in child rearing. Here are some of the strange notions being cited to advocate this idea that a woman doesn’t need a man when she wants to have a child, along with my opinions of why each notion is flawed.
Many Women Can Afford To Raise Kids on Their Own- Yes, I agree that it’s great that Jen’s kids will not live in poverty, like so many of the children raised by single moms, if she chooses this option. What I don’t understand is how anyone can think that this implies that a dad isn’t needed just because mom makes a great income. A few years back there were many articles about celebrity single moms who were looking to hire a “manny” (male nanny) so that their children could grow up with a male role model. This seems to have fallen out of vogue, as I’m sure that these women discovered that just as “money can’t buy you love” money also cannot buy a loving father.
Women Have a Biological Clock. Should That Deprive Them of a Child?- I sympathize with women who want to be mothers, but haven’t found a man that they want to marry by the time that biological clock is winding down. Despite that, I can’t help but feel that women who tout this argument are putting their own needs over the needs of their future child. I understand women not wanting to be deprived of the chance to a be a mother, but I don’t think that this should be at the expense of deliberately depriving a child of having a father in their life.
The Number of Single Moms Proves Women Don’t Need Men- This is an argument that I usually hear from single women who don’t have children. Let’s not forget that the majority of single moms are not single by choice. In fact, many single moms are the biggest proponents for the importance of a father in a child’s life. I hear from single moms all the time who have worked hard to maintain an amicable relationship with their exes despite their personal feelings because they understand how important fathers are in the lives of their children.
Unfortunately, we also hear from many single moms whose exes are not active in the lives of their children. Here is a quote that is typical of the stories that single moms dealing with absentee dad share with us: “I think I do a good job of being mom and dad, but I want to cry when I see the neighbor kids playing catch with their dad, my kids deserve a dad like that.” So yes, while these women feel that they are capable of raising children on their own, I don’t hear them advocating that children can grow up without a father without any negative consequences.
Rather than searching for words to sum up my feelings about women choosing to become single moms, I’ll leave you with these words from a commenter on the Yahoo article who grew up without a father. “My dad died when I was seven. Having grown up without a father had a major influence on my life and the choices I made. I can’t imagine anyone intentionally depriving a child of that relationship. Yes, woman are CAPABLE of doing it alone, but that doesn’t mean everything turns out ok. Yes, there are terrible fathers out there who DO stick around. But overall, a child should have both parents.”
What do you think? Should a woman willingly set out to become a single mom? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: jennifer aniston, movie the switch, single moms, single parent, sperm bank, sperm donor
Posted in advice for women, marriage | 9 Comments »
Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
 I’ve written many times about the many ways that marriage has gotten a bad reputation. Whether it’s stories about celebrities caught in cheating scandals, or watching the couples around them filing for divorce, many people are questioning just how desirable it is to be married. So forget about the bleak statistics for modern day marriage, today’s post will strictly take a light examine several of the negative terms that are used to describe various aspects of marriage.
Wedlock- Maybe it’s because it sounds so similar to headlock or maybe it’s just the inclusion of the word “lock” that makes this term sound so unappealing. Either way, it sounds likes something that is meant to trap you against your will, and does not conjure up happy images.
Tying the Knot- I’ve read varying accounts of how this expression came to refer to marriage and most have to do with stories about wedding ceremonies where the bride and groom would be tied together to symbolize being “bound together.” Most people don’t relish in the idea of marriage being the equivalent of a physical restriction. When people talk about “being tied down” by marriage, it is certainly not meant to express their happiness with marriage.
I did find one romantic legend regarding this term that tells a tale of sailors proposing be sending their sweetheart a length of rope and knowing that the proposal was accepted if the rope was return to them with a knot tied in it. Despite that sweet tale, knots are more often used to describe a situation that involves a tangle or a hindrance, rather than the more romantic notion of two things being intertwined as one.
Institution of Marriage- Most people don’t view the word “institution” in a very favorable way. School, prison and mental hospitals some of the most common places that are referred to as institutions, and we tend to view them as places that are mandatory under certain circumstances, not something that we would freely choose.
Marriage License- Yes, this little piece of paper makes it official that you are married in the eyes of the law. Many states have started to refer to this document as a marriage certificate, and that really isn’t surprising. There is something about a certificate that we associate with achievement, while there is something about obtaining a license that we associate with standing in long lines and perhaps taking a test. Obtaining any type of license is not usually something that we get all excited about.
Bridegroom- For centuries this was the official term for a man about to be married, but for the most part this term has been replaced with the word “groom.” This isn’t surprising, because bridegroom sounds eerily like a man has gone from being a man to being a strange hybrid that is part bride and part groom. Marriage is a merging in many ways, but most men don’t want to feel that they have gone from being a man to being part man and part woman.
So there you have some of the most common negative terms that are associated with marriage, courtesy of our own research and suggestion from our loyal Twitter followers. Marriage has changed in many ways since the days when women wore corsets and a proper gentleman didn’t go out in public without a hat. The terms that we associate with marriage could also use a little updating, especially when it comes to giving marriage a positive sound. It would nice to have more words that make marriage sound like something that should be celebrated rather than words that make it sound like a punishment.
What do you think? What are your thoughts about these terms? Any terms you’d like to add? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Other Fun Relationship Posts
Rules of Relationships
The Husband Test
Tags: bridegroom, marriage fun, negative marriage terms, terms for marriage, tying the knot, wedlock
Posted in advice for women, fun relationship facts, marriage | 11 Comments »
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
 Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman. It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash. It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.
When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time. Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.” From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.
One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them. I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values. If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.
I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her. When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision. It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision. Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.
Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into. As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor. No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.
It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy. In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it. The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around. Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.
So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them. On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious. When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.
What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You
Tags: I'm ready for marriage he's not, men who won't marry, should I stay with him, why won't he marry me
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 13 Comments »
Wednesday, July 21st, 2010
 As we receive more and more stories from couples who have gone to marriage counseling, one of the things that strikes me most is how many of these couples still end up getting divorced. I understand that it is couples who feel that their marriage is in serious trouble who are seek counseling in the first place, but honestly I cannot name a single couple that I know who was able to save their marriage through counseling. That isn’t to say that I don’t know couples who have saved their marriages, I just don’t know any who have achieved this through counseling.
I decided to do some digging to see if counseling really tends to help marriages or not. I found a study from the University of Chicago which surveyed couples who claim to have turned around previously unhappy marriages. In this study, 1/3 of the couples interviewed had sought counseling, and the majority of these couples did not feel that counseling made any significant contribution to saving their marriage. We’ve had much the same input on LuvemOrLeavem with couples either feeling that counseling was of no value to them and sometimes made things worse. Here are some of the main complaints that we’ve heard about marriage counseling:
Climate Setting- Very often, one person suggests that counseling be sought, and the other simply goes along with this request. Many of the spouses who went to counseling at the request of their spouse felt very strongly that the decision to end the marriage had already been made. They expressed the feeling that their spouse wanted to set the tone for how unhappy they were by asking that they attend counseling rather than flat out asking for a divorce. I can understand how this can happen, but I think that it’s unfair to mislead someone into thinking that counseling is an attempt to save the marriage if the true purpose is to help the spouse understand that the marriage is over.
Counselors Who Are Divorced- I’m not prepared to say that a counselor who has been divorced cannot properly counsel a couple, but I can understand why a person would be leery of the high number of marriage counselors that do seem to be divorced. We received one letter from a woman who was outraged to discover that the counselor who was supposed to be working to help her save her marriage had been previously been married three times. Yes, I understand that they went to school for this and are credentialed, but this scenario still feels very similar to going to an orthodontist with horribly crooked teeth.
Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?- I am always surprised at the number of women who tell us how great their “marriage counselor” as they then go on to explain how much their counselor helped them cope after their divorce. While I’m glad that counseling helped them, I can’t help but wonder why their expertise was more in the area of divorce than the area of marriage.
All Talk and No Action- One of the biggest complaints that couples shared with us is that they felt that their weekly sessions were more about sharing their problems rather than solving these problems. Sometimes it feels great to get things out, but sharing what you feel is wrong about your spouse and your marriage can just lead to bad feelings if you don’t get beyond the “airing out” stage. Several of these couples had been in counseling for over a year and felt that there was no end in sight for when the would done with counseling.
So while I do feel strongly that unhappy marriages can be saved, I still don’t feel convinced that counseling plays a significant role in saving most marriages. The stories that we’ve received and the study that I mentioned seem to show that I am not alone in questioning just how helpful counseling is when it comes to saving marriages. It is impossible to say whether the counseling itself is flawed or whether many of the couples seek counseling do so after being unhappy for such a long time that it that much harder to save the marriage. One thing that is certain is that if you do start to feel that your marriage may benefit from counseling, it is best to seek help early and to choose your counselor very carefully.
What do you think? Do you believe that marriage counseling can save a marriage? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts:
Can Just One Person Save a Marriage?
Does Religion Strengthen a Marriage?
Tags: divorce counseling, help with marriage, marriage counseling, marriage problem, Save marriage
Posted in Divorce, advice for women, marriage | 7 Comments »
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Jennifer Aniston has been stirring up debate about whether or not a woman needs a man when she decides she wants to have a baby. In her new movie, The Switch, she plays a woman turning 40 who decides to have a baby “without a man” by visiting a sperm bank. In a recent article from Yahoo she is quoted as saying “Women are realizing more and more that you don’t have to settle, they don’t have to fiddle with a man to have that child.”
