Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘lasting love’ Category
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
 Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman. It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash. It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.
When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time. Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.” From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.
One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them. I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values. If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.
I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her. When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision. It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision. Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.
Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into. As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor. No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.
It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy. In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it. The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around. Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.
So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them. On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious. When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.
What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You
Tags: I'm ready for marriage he's not, men who won't marry, should I stay with him, why won't he marry me
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 13 Comments »
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010
 During my 16 years of marriage I have moved many times. Originally from Philadelphia, my husband’s job then relocated us to Connecticut (2 separate times), Minnesota, Nashville, and we are now living outside of San Francisco. Since we’ve moved so often, I am frequently to “go to” person when women are considering a move. Over the past 2 years, an ever increasing number of women are asking me about moving as their husbands or boyfriends have either lost jobs or have jobs that are relocating. Based on my own moves and the many moves that I’ve witnessed, here are some things to consider when deciding whether or not you should move to be with the one you love.
One Commitment Does not Guarantee Another- Some of the most heartbreaking stories that I receive are from women who moved with the hope that this would be the final straw that would turn that boyfriend into a husband. If marriage is what you want out of your relationship, then you should not move for a man unless you are 1) engaged 2) have a wedding date set for the near future and 3) have already begun making firm wedding plans. This may sound like an awful lot of conditions, but moving is a big step and it can create a busy atmosphere for a long time. It is easy to find that two years after moving you are nowhere near getting married even though the initial plan was that you would get married after you both “got settled into your new location.”
If you are faced with this situation, please keep in mind just what a big step a move is. It isn’t fair for anyone to ask you to uproot your entire life on a distant promise that one day this person will marry you. If he is serious about marrying you and he fully appreciates what a huge commitment it is for you to move for him, then he will meet all three of these criteria. If he doesn’t, then he is telling you that he is happy to have you remain as his girlfriend, and you need to be sure that you will be satisfied with moving for him even if he never marries you.
Saving a Relationship- Hoping that a move will improve a relationship or keep a relationship from falling apart is not limited to couples that are dating. I’ve known married couples who have hit a rocky patch in their marriage and are uncertain whether a move will save their relationship or will be the final step that destroys it. Any move is stressful, and even strong relationships will be tested by a move. If your relationship is teetering on the brink of disaster, then a move is more likely to tear it apart rather than to improve it.
Look at All Your Options- If your partner is planning a move, many women view the two alternatives as moving or ending the relationship, but sometimes there are other options. If you are dating, you may decide that you can have a long distance relationship for a while. Even many married couples are choosing to survive a long distance relationship for many months until they have time to evaluate the impact of leaving their current location as well as time to consider whether they will like their new location.
How will you like your new location?- Whether married or single, this is a big question that many women don’t spend enough time considering. They learn all about their man’s new job, they learn about schools for the kids, but they never take a look at how they will like their new location. This is a big reasons why so many women are ready to pack their bags a year or two after a move. Whether it is landing your dream job, taking classes or joining a social group, you need to have a plan for how you will adjust once the moving dust has settled. If the area that you are considering does not seem to offer any of the things that will make you happy, then you either need to look harder or reconsider moving before you agree to go.
So there are some of the biggest issues to consider when deciding whether or not to move for the one you love. If you are in the type of solid relationship that can survive a move, then you should be making this decision together. Situations where he has already made the decision to move and you are left deciding whether to join him, are a good indication that a move is not likely to be in your best interest. No matter what you decide, moving will be stressful for your relationship. Moving to a new place can open up a whole new set of experiences and adventures, but it is never something that should be done with the hopes of improving a troubled relationship.
Have you ever moved for the one you love? Please share your thoughts and stories in the comments section.
*For a light hearted look at moving take a look at Don’t Let Moving Stress Cause Relationship Stress.
Tags: long distance relationship, move for him, move for love, relationship advice moving, relocating, should i move
Posted in advice for women, lasting love | 14 Comments »
Monday, April 19th, 2010
 Love is a wonderful feeling, yet thinking about saying I love you for the first time usually stirs up feelings that are anything but wonderful. Unless you are the type of person that is just willing to take your chances by blurting out “I love you” as soon as the feeling strikes you, you will likely ask yourself some questions about if and when you should utter theses 3 words. Once we realize we have fallen in love, the relationship changes for us, but once “I love you” has been spoken the relationship changes for both of you and there’s no turning back. Here are some typical questions that we start asking ourselves when we think about declaring our love for the first time.
Does he/she love me too?
The biggest factor when deciding if and when to say I love you is whether or not you feel that this person loves you too. A lot of thought is put into analyzing just how the other person feels, and the likelihood of them replying with “I love you too.” No one wants to be met with an awkward silence, an abrupt change in topic or an “I’m not sure how I feel yet” after telling that special person that you love them.
Who Should Say “I Love You” First?
Whether it is fair or unfair, most women think that it is the job of the man to take this next step in the relationship by saying I Love You first. Even women who like to take the lead in other aspects of a relationship are likely to wait for the man to take the lead on this one. So the breakdown by gender is usually that women are left wondering when the man they love will finally say the “L word” while men are the ones that make the final decision on the timing.
When Should You Say I Love You?
Although believing that you are loved in return is the biggest factor of when, there are all sorts of other details to consider. No one wants to say these words “too soon” into a relationship, yet there is no set number of dates that defines too soon. Since we know that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, it is a good idea to look beyond your feelings and search for characteristics that are necessary to sustain a long term relationship. For example, if you’ve been dating for months but you feel that you don’t know much about this person, then you should wait before declaring your love no matter what your heart is telling you.
When Should You Say It Back?
The obvious answer is “when you love them too,” but love is not always that simple. If you know this is someone you could never love, then you probably won’t be tempted to reply with “I love you too.” The problem arises if you think you may love this person, but you’re not sure yet. Not saying it back will put a damper on the relationship that may make it very tempting to say it back even if you’re not entirely sure that you love them at this time. That’s not to say that you should say it back if you’re not positive that it’s love you’re feeling, it just means that it won’t be an easy decision.
With all the thought that most people put into saying these three little words for the first time, it’s a wonder that we ever get around to saying them at all. Luckily, even with all the thought that we put into the if , when and how of saying “I Love You”, we often reach the point where are heart takes over from our brains and we just blurt it out.
What do you think? Are you the type who normally says “I love you” first, or do you wait until it is said to you? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.
Tags: i love you, i say love you, saying i love you, to say i love you, when say i love you, you say i love
Posted in dating, lasting love | 16 Comments »
Monday, March 29th, 2010
 Last year I wrote a post about some the phrases that help to make a happy marriage. The post was inspired by an interview with a couple who had just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary, where the husband proclaimed that knowing when to say “yes dear” was his secret to a long and happy marriage. I shared a few of my own phrases, and our visitors weren’t shy about adding their own ideas as well. So here is the updated version of phrases for a happy marriage. Of course, since actions speak louder than words, most of these phrases do need to be accompanied by a follow-up action, but I think that you’ll find this list helpful just the same.
You can wear jeans/dress casually- This was part of my original list, and so many women seconded this that it made this year’s list as well. There’s just something about being able to head out dressed casually that makes most men happy. Of course there are times when you have no choice but to be dressed up. For those times when the choice is yours though, our ladies agreed that choosing the place with the casual dress code will have you heading out with a happier man than the one that requires a tie and jacket.
Here’s your coffee- Now of course you really have to have a cup of coffee in your hand for this to be meaningful, but this one sets the tone for the day. It’s just hard to get annoyed with the person who crept away from that comfortable bed to bring you a cup of coffee while it is still dark out, no matter what they do during the rest of the day.
Dinner’s ready and I made your favorite- Again, you need to make the favorite dinner for this one to work. This goes back to some of our earlier discussion about the way to a man’s heart being through his stomach. Our ladies agreed that this is one that gets a smile every time, and is well worth the effort no matter how elaborate that “favorite meal” is.
I’m so happy you’re home- Everyone loves a proper greeting, and this phrase can turn a bad day into a good day in the time that it takes to say it. A word of caution must be added however. If you add phrases like “because the kids have been wild” or “because the sink is leaking” after the word “home” then this phrase will have the opposite effect. It’s like adding “for your age” after you’ve just told someone that they look great, so be sure to only add “because I missed you” if you feel that you must add something after the word “home.”
I’m frisky/You’re going to get lucky- This phrase or any other words that imply that it’s time to get behind closed doors was the winner among all of the ladies that replied. In fact, several ladies admitted that if you said this to your husband in the morning (and meant it) then you could forget all the other phrases on the list and still have a very happy husband.
So there’s our list of some phrases that are sure to put a smile on the face of your husband or the main man in your life. Men often joke that they are simple creatures, and these steps really are pretty simple. They really are proof that sometimes it really is the little things that have the biggest impact.
What do you think? Please share your phrases for a happy marriage or relationship in the comments section.
Tags: create lasting love, happy marriage, improve marriage, secret to happy marriage
Posted in advice for women, communication, lasting love, marriage | 9 Comments »
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Our post titled “Why Won’t He Marry Me?” has received so many comments that it has practically become a forum on this topic. As women continue to comment on their experiences with men that refuse to tie the knot, we’ve found three main reasons that are continually mentioned regarding why women who strongly want to be married stay with men who refuse to take that step.
