Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘lasting love’ Category
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
 After delving into the two main reasons why some men date women for years but refuse to marry them, I was bombarded by emails from women asking “how do I know if he’s just a procrastinator or if he really never plans to marry me?” Now it’s true that women often bring up the issue of marriage more quickly than men, but as my friends over at The Guys Perspective point out, “when a guy is really interested in a woman he doesn’t play games.” I think that this is really what the signs that I’m going to list are all about, they indicate that a man has moved into the realm of game playing so that he can continue to date her while avoiding the commitment of marriage.
1. You Have Been Reduced to Begging- For the woman who has been doing some serious hinting about getting married, it is often very hard to realize that conversations about marriage have been replaced with begging and pleading. I’ve written many time about smart, strong women who don’t make smart choices in relationships. Women who would demand a raise at work rather than begging for one somehow fall into a trap where they are begging a man to marry them. If you have been reduced to begging, it is time to move on. Not only does he not plan on marrying you, but the type of guy who strings a woman along like this is likely to move on to more complex stalling tactics that can drag on for years without ever tying the knot.
2. Waiting for the Right Time- It sounds very responsible for your guy to say that he will ask you to marry him as soon as it is “the right time,” but this is usually another stalling tactic. I’ve heard all kinds of excuses for why it’s not the perfect time that range from men who want to wait for a big promotion at work to one man who wanted to make sure that his brother had enough time to grieve after his divorce before he was “forced” to participate in wedding festivities. People manage to tie the knot during less than perfect circumstances all the time. Nearly every member of the clergy has a story about a bride or groom who had to that hobble down the aisle after breaking a leg or having some serious injury before their wedding. Remember these couples when you’re evaluating whether his reason for waiting has merit or not.
3. He suggests a “trial period”- Men who want to get married propose to their lady. They don’t try to find a way to delay things by recommending that you have a trial period of living together “just to make sure that we’re compatible with each other.” We get letters from women all the time who agreed to these “trial periods” and they’ve all either left the relationship or are many years into their “trial period.”
4. An Engagement With No Date Set- Many guys find that presenting a women with a diamond ring is a great stalling technique. The men that have the financial means, can often get years worth of stall time with a large enough diamond. If you’ve been engaged for more than a few months and you still don’t have a date set, then the odds of you walking down the aisle with this man are extremely slim. The same goes for dates set two or more years into the future (see rescheduled wedding.)
5. The Rescheduled Wedding- This often starts out as a wedding date that is set for years in the future. As the date gets closer (close enough to start making real plans) the date gets moved out. Let’s face it, in all aspects of life we tend to reschedule things that we’re not looking forward to (like going to the dentist) and keep or move up the dates for things that we really want to do. If you had a long engagement that was rescheduled as soon as it got close enough to where you needed to start putting down deposits with wedding halls, caterers, etc, then he is sending you a message that he does not intend to ever go through with the wedding.
So there are the 5 most common signs that he won’t be marrying you. I have seen women struggle with these signs both in real life and in the stories that they share with us on LuvemOrLeavem. If you are in any of these situations, then your time and energy would be better spent finding a new man who is ready to commit to you rather than waiting around for your current man to walk down the aisle with you.
Tags: fear of commitment, men who refuse to marry, men who won't marry, why won't he commit
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 10 Comments »
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
 As a hopeless romantic, you probably expect that I love the celebration of Valentine’s Day, but it’s not a holiday that I spend much time celebrating. Don’t get me wrong, the notion of having a whole day devoted to celebrating love is a great idea, but I definitely feel like the holiday has been hijacked by companies who make lots of money during Valentine’s Day. Here are some of my biggest problems with the big commercial enterprise that Valentine’s Day has turned into.
Valentine’s Day gifts have gotten more expensive- Here is the progression:
- Cards- When I was a kid all anybody received for Valentine’s Day was a card, regardless of whether you were newly dating or married for years.
- Chocolate- Somewhere along the way giving chocolates became the norm. The standard was the heart shaped box of inexpensive mixed chocolates.
- Gourmet chocolates replaced the generic box of assorted chocolates. Way better tasting, but way more expensive.
- Flowers, or more precisely 1 dozen red roses became a Valentine standard.
- Diamonds have now become the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift. I love diamonds just as much as any woman, but I think that unless you’re getting engaged diamonds are excessive for this holiday.
The Valentine’s Day Premium- I admit that I’m a very thrifty person, but I don’t know anyone who wants to pay more for something just because businesses have changed the message of Valentine’s Day from “I love you” to “I love when you spend your money.” The exact same roses, chocolates and jewelry all have jacked up prices during Valentine’s day and can often be purchased for half the price if you bought them in March. Same thing with that Valentine’s Day dinner at your favorite restaurant. You will pay substantially more for the same meal on Valentine’s Day than you would if you went there a few days later.
Everyone has jumped on the Valentine’s Day bandwagon- What used to be the domain of florists, card companies and candy makers has now expanded into products and events that have no connection to saying I love you. Even our hockey stadium offers a Valentine’s Day package. As much as I love the sport, to try to sell the notion of watching guys getting slammed into the glass as a way to express your love is just stretching things too far.
I even saw a vacuum cleaner company that has a Valentine’s Day promotion. This is just so wrong. If your man’s idea of saying I love you involves upgrading your vacuum cleaner, then you may need to consider upgrading your man. The only exception is if it comes with a signed and notarized statement that he will do all the vacuuming from that point forward.
So there are some of my pet peeves with how commercialized Valentine’s Day has become. I miss the days when a special card with a personal message was more than enough and would be displayed on the mantle like a prized possession. If you really want to express how much you love that special person in your life, focus on saying and showing that you love them everyday instead of once a year.
What do you think? Am I a Valentine’s Day Scrooge or is there too much hype for this holiday? How will you spend Valentine’s Day? Please share in the comments section.
Tags: celebrate love, express love, how to celebrate valentine's day, valentine, Valentine's Day
Posted in fun relationship facts, lasting love | 16 Comments »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
 One of the most frequent questions that women ask on LuvemOrLeavem is “why won’t he marry me?” I actually created LuvemOrLeavem with these women in mind because I have known so many of them over the years. The thing that puzzles me most is that these women who have been hinting to their boyfriends for years that they want to get married are women that wouldn’t put up with being given the runaround in any other situation. These women make smart decisions in every other aspect of their lives, yet they stay in a situation where they seem to be the only ones that are unaware that these men will never marry them.
So why are these men so opposed to tying the knot? Although there are always specific details that vary among the stories of these couples, there are really only 2 main reasons why these men will not marry these women: 1) The man just does not want to get married 2) The man doesn’t want to marry that particular woman. I know this seems like an over simplification, but I think that delving into all the details of why a man is not marrying her, is what often causes women to get caught up in trying to turn these relationships into marriages.
Men Who Just Don’t Want To Get Married- There are some men who just have no intention of getting married. It’s easy to get caught up in the reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and to view them as barriers that can be overcome. If he has sworn off marriage because he went through an ugly divorce you may be tempted to prove that with you it can be different. If he thinks he is not the type of person who can be faithful, you may feel tempted to see the challenge as making sure that you prove to him that you can be exciting and desirable enough to make him never want to look at another woman again.
The problem is that not wanting to get married is about him, not about you. I’ve known women who date men who have told them for years that they never want to get married, yet they seem to think that if they wait it out he’ll change his mind. If a man tells you that he has no intention of getting married and backs that up by dating you for years without marrying, then take him at his word. He won’t be marrying you now matter how hard you try to change this.
Men Who Don’t Want to Marry a Particular Woman- This is a difficult scenario for a woman to accept. When a woman who has waited years for a proposal that never came watches that same man walk down the aisle with another woman, it’s hard not to have doubts about what was wrong with you and why he feels that this other women is so right for him. There are many reasons why a man may not want to marry a particular woman, and it doesn’t mean that anything was “wrong” with the first woman or that he didn’t love her enough to marry her.
It just means that the men weren’t sure that they were compatible enough for marriage. For example, I’ve known women who had careers that made their man think that work would keep them from being the kind of wife that they envisioned. On the flip side, I also knew a woman whose boyfriend felt that he could never be the dependable husband that she dreamed of having because he was a freelancer and never had a job with a steady paycheck. At the time, these women were heartbroken to see the men they had waited for walk down the aisle with someone else. It wasn’t until they met men that were compatible enough to marry that they realized that it truly wasn’t a strike against them that these other men had not wanted to marry them.
So there you have it, the two main reasons behind all the little reasons of why he won’t marry you. No matter which reason it is, the important thing is to move on from a relationship if you’ve reached the point where you want to marry him and he has shown that he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you love someone and thought that they were “the one,” but ultimately it is much better than getting married to the wrong person.
What do you think? Why would a man date a woman for years without marrying her even after she makes it clear how badly she wants to get married? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
P.S. For a humorous look at men who won’t tie the knot visit 25 Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You by Mike The Master Dater.
Tags: engagement, getting a proposal, how to get a proposal, want to get married, when to get married, why won't he marry me
Posted in lasting love, relationship problems | 15 Comments »
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
 When it comes to women and dating, there’s been a phenomenon called “The Rules” which emerged from the book: The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. The original Rules book has been published in 27 languages and has spun off editions covering online dating and marriage, but what really keeps its authors in the spotlight is the controversy that The Rules have created among women. Women who are proponents of The Rules believe that they give women control over their dating lives, while opponents believe that they encourage women to be deceitful as long as the end result is snagging a husband.
Many women agree with much of what is stated in The Rules when it comes to the early stages of relationships. They encourage women to not be too eager with a man, which includes calling him too often, being too available too often when he wants to make a date with her, and of course not sleeping together too soon. Even though this may seem like a bit of game playing, the early stages of dating are often like playing a game until the guy has proven that he is a decent guy who is genuinely interested in finding a partner and not just a guy out for a conquest.
The rules seem to annoy women a lot more when they venture into how to behave once the relationship becomes serious and they send some women into a frenzy of outrage when they start advising women on how to turn that relationship into a marriage proposal. Some of the basics during this stage of the rules are:
- A Woman should not see a man more than 3 times per week even if she is at the point where her feelings for him make her want to see him more often.
- If you’ve been dating for more than a year and haven’t received a proposal, see less of him and think about dating others. Which ties into the next rule which is possibly their biggest rule–
- Rules women do not date men for more than two years
So how is it that some women find these rules empowering, while women like Kelly at Notes from the Dating Trenches, find them offensive? One of Kelly’s big issue with the rules is that as she states “they are based on not communicating with actual words.” I agree that the act of being “deliberately unavailable” when a man is late calling you back rather than asking him where the heck he was is rather passive aggressive, yet I also think that many men often respond better to such actions rather than to words.
In defense of women like Kelly who feel offended by the rules, there are some statements from The Rules authors that do demean women. For example, one of their rules states that women should Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Now this may sound like a great idea, because every woman wants to stand out as an individual unlike any other. The problem is their recommendations for how to be such a creature, which they describe as: “…It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare)…”
I have to admit, this part crossed the line for me. I have a good friend who is somewhat of a “babbler,” which is part of what makes her endearing to those who love her. Does this turn off 95% of the men she meets? Yes, it certainly seems to, but let’s remember that marriage is a partnership of equals. I would say it is better for her to be herself and hold out for that guy who falls into the 5% of men that appreciate this quality, rather than change herself to attract that 95% who don’t like that quality. Marrying a man in that category will either mean that she will need to continue to pretend indefinitely, or that the man is in for a rude awakening when he discovers that she is not the “demure” woman that he thought she was.
So what about all those women who defend the rules. Well surprisingly, one blogger who defends them is Christan, no-nonsense blogger over at Moxie in the City, who I would have guessed would hate the rules because they do seem to imply that every woman’s ultimate goal is marriage. Christan’s defense of the rules stems from the simple fact that looking at the lives of her happily married friends leads her to conclude that the rules work. I have to agree with her on the fact that the happily married women that I know, including myself, were not the type of women to let the man take the entire lead in where the relationship was going.
So, back to the original question–Do The Rules empower or demean women? I think that much of it goes back to the role of women. If a woman is truly independent and has a professional and social life that extends beyond the man in her life, then these rules can be empowering. She shouldn’t let the man set the tone of the relationship to where he can see her all the time and date her for years without proposing IF her goal is marriage. On the other hand, if a woman is miserable during the days when she is not out with her man, then altering her behavior in order to “follow the rules” is of no benefit. The woman is not being true to herself, and if the relationship turns into marriage because she appeared to be more independent than she was, then this marriage is headed for disaster.
So, what do you think of the rules? Do they encourage women to assert themselves? Or do they encourage women to be manipulative? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: empowering women, find lasting love, finding a husband, relationship game playing, the rules of dating, why won't he marry me
Posted in find love, lasting love | 14 Comments »
|
After delving into the two main reasons why some men date women for years but refuse to marry them, I was bombarded by emails from women asking “how do I know if he’s just a procrastinator or if he really never plans to marry me?” Now it’s true that women often bring up the issue of marriage more quickly than men, but as my friends over at The Guys Perspective point out, “when a guy is really interested in a woman he doesn’t play games.” I think that this is really what the signs that I’m going to list are all about, they indicate that a man has moved into the realm of game playing so that he can continue to date her while avoiding the commitment of marriage.
