Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘lasting love’ Category
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
 The most common question that women ask me about marriage is “How can I tell if he is the one?” It is a tricky question, because we can easily tell when we are in love, yet it is not so easy to predict if that love will grow and thrive for a lifetime. We posed the question “How did you know your husband was the one?” to the married ladies in our FaceBook group, and there were 4 factors that showed up so often that I felt they were worth sharing.
1. It started with sparks- Some women called it chemistry, and others called it love at first sight, but all of them identified that special connection that they felt almost instantly when they met their future husband. Now of course there are times when sparks fly in the early days of a relationship and then burn out quickly if other factors of compatibility are not present. Despite admitting that sparks are never enough to sustain a relationship, all of our ladies felt that if there were never sparks, then he is not the one. As one savvy woman put it “if you don’t have chemistry it’s like trying to make a go of it with a good friend and not a lover, that’s not enough for a lifetime together.”
2. You have plenty to talk about, but silence isn’t awkward- When it came to conversation, the most common theme was that if he really is the one then you both have plenty to talk about and you’re both interested in what the other has to say. One woman also added that she knew that her man was the one because they were able to just sit quietly with one another and enjoy each other’s company without feeling the need to fill every silence. One that was mentioned, the discussion shifted to the idea that easy to talk to and easy to be around without talking needed to go hand in hand.
3. Shows respect to all women, not just you- Some women knew their husband was the one by the way he treated the women in his life, which included his mother, sisters and sometimes even his ex-wife. A few ladies also added that they discovered that certain men were not the one by how they treated other women. They felt that even if a man treats his girlfriend like a princess, it is a good indication that his good behavior will not last if he treats other women disrespectfully .
4. You can picture yourself growing old with him- Now I cheated a bit on this one, because there were so many criteria that I lumped into this category. There was everything from having the same core values to having the same religious views, to feeling that you would love this man even once his chiseled features were wrinkled and his hair turned gray (or fell out.) There were too many things to list individually, but they all had to do with women taking a realistic look at the long term rather than just looking romantically at how he made them feel at the moment.
Of course there are no guarantees in life and even a man that meets all of these criteria may not be the one that you are destined to marry. Despite that, I would still argue that if all of these signs are present, then there is a very good chance that he may be the one for you. On the flip side, if these 4 signs are not there, then I would advise you to keep looking.
What do you think? Have you met “the one?” If so, how did you know? If not, then what signs do you plan on using to determine if you have found that special someone?
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Tags: do I want to marry him, how do I know if he's the one, is he the one, lasting love, true love, will love last
Posted in lasting love | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
 After delving into the two main reasons why some men date women for years but refuse to marry them, I was bombarded by emails from women asking “how do I know if he’s just a procrastinator or if he really never plans to marry me?” Now it’s true that women often bring up the issue of marriage more quickly than men, but as my friends over at The Guys Perspective point out, “when a guy is really interested in a woman he doesn’t play games.” I think that this is really what the signs that I’m going to list are all about, they indicate that a man has moved into the realm of game playing so that he can continue to date her while avoiding the commitment of marriage.
1. You Have Been Reduced to Begging- For the woman who has been doing some serious hinting about getting married, it is often very hard to realize that conversations about marriage have been replaced with begging and pleading. I’ve written many time about smart, strong women who don’t make smart choices in relationships. Women who would demand a raise at work rather than begging for one somehow fall into a trap where they are begging a man to marry them. If you have been reduced to begging, it is time to move on. Not only does he not plan on marrying you, but the type of guy who strings a woman along like this is likely to move on to more complex stalling tactics that can drag on for years without ever tying the knot.
2. Waiting for the Right Time- It sounds very responsible for your guy to say that he will ask you to marry him as soon as it is “the right time,” but this is usually another stalling tactic. I’ve heard all kinds of excuses for why it’s not the perfect time that range from men who want to wait for a big promotion at work to one man who wanted to make sure that his brother had enough time to grieve after his divorce before he was “forced” to participate in wedding festivities. People manage to tie the knot during less than perfect circumstances all the time. Nearly every member of the clergy has a story about a bride or groom who had to that hobble down the aisle after breaking a leg or having some serious injury before their wedding. Remember these couples when you’re evaluating whether his reason for waiting has merit or not.
3. He suggests a “trial period”- Men who want to get married propose to their lady. They don’t try to find a way to delay things by recommending that you have a trial period of living together “just to make sure that we’re compatible with each other.” We get letters from women all the time who agreed to these “trial periods” and they’ve all either left the relationship or are many years into their “trial period.”
4. An Engagement With No Date Set- Many guys find that presenting a women with a diamond ring is a great stalling technique. The men that have the financial means, can often get years worth of stall time with a large enough diamond. If you’ve been engaged for more than a few months and you still don’t have a date set, then the odds of you walking down the aisle with this man are extremely slim. The same goes for dates set two or more years into the future (see rescheduled wedding.)
5. The Rescheduled Wedding- This often starts out as a wedding date that is set for years in the future. As the date gets closer (close enough to start making real plans) the date gets moved out. Let’s face it, in all aspects of life we tend to reschedule things that we’re not looking forward to (like going to the dentist) and keep or move up the dates for things that we really want to do. If you had a long engagement that was rescheduled as soon as it got close enough to where you needed to start putting down deposits with wedding halls, caterers, etc, then he is sending you a message that he does not intend to ever go through with the wedding.
So there are the 5 most common signs that he won’t be marrying you. I have seen women struggle with these signs both in real life and in the stories that they share with us on LuvemOrLeavem. If you are in any of these situations, then your time and energy would be better spent finding a new man who is ready to commit to you rather than waiting around for your current man to walk down the aisle with you.
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Tags: fear of commitment, men who refuse to marry, men who won't marry, why won't he commit
Posted in advice for women, lasting love, marriage, relationship problems | 11 Comments »
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
 As a hopeless romantic, you probably expect that I love the celebration of Valentine’s Day, but it’s not a holiday that I spend much time celebrating. Don’t get me wrong, the notion of having a whole day devoted to celebrating love is a great idea, but I definitely feel like the holiday has been hijacked by companies who make lots of money during Valentine’s Day. Here are some of my biggest problems with the big commercial enterprise that Valentine’s Day has turned into.
Valentine’s Day gifts have gotten more expensive- Here is the progression:
- Cards- When I was a kid all anybody received for Valentine’s Day was a card, regardless of whether you were newly dating or married for years.
- Chocolate- Somewhere along the way giving chocolates became the norm. The standard was the heart shaped box of inexpensive mixed chocolates.
- Gourmet chocolates replaced the generic box of assorted chocolates. Way better tasting, but way more expensive.
- Flowers, or more precisely 1 dozen red roses became a Valentine standard.
- Diamonds have now become the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift. I love diamonds just as much as any woman, but I think that unless you’re getting engaged diamonds are excessive for this holiday.
The Valentine’s Day Premium- I admit that I’m a very thrifty person, but I don’t know anyone who wants to pay more for something just because businesses have changed the message of Valentine’s Day from “I love you” to “I love when you spend your money.” The exact same roses, chocolates and jewelry all have jacked up prices during Valentine’s day and can often be purchased for half the price if you bought them in March. Same thing with that Valentine’s Day dinner at your favorite restaurant. You will pay substantially more for the same meal on Valentine’s Day than you would if you went there a few days later.
Everyone has jumped on the Valentine’s Day bandwagon- What used to be the domain of florists, card companies and candy makers has now expanded into products and events that have no connection to saying I love you. Even our hockey stadium offers a Valentine’s Day package. As much as I love the sport, to try to sell the notion of watching guys getting slammed into the glass as a way to express your love is just stretching things too far.
I even saw a vacuum cleaner company that has a Valentine’s Day promotion. This is just so wrong. If your man’s idea of saying I love you involves upgrading your vacuum cleaner, then you may need to consider upgrading your man. The only exception is if it comes with a signed and notarized statement that he will do all the vacuuming from that point forward.
So there are some of my pet peeves with how commercialized Valentine’s Day has become. I miss the days when a special card with a personal message was more than enough and would be displayed on the mantle like a prized possession. If you really want to express how much you love that special person in your life, focus on saying and showing that you love them everyday instead of once a year.
What do you think? Am I a Valentine’s Day Scrooge or is there too much hype for this holiday? How will you spend Valentine’s Day? Please share in the comments section.
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Tags: celebrate love, express love, how to celebrate valentine's day, valentine, Valentine's Day
Posted in fun relationship facts, lasting love | 16 Comments »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
 One of the most frequent questions that women ask on LuvemOrLeavem is “why won’t he marry me?” I actually created LuvemOrLeavem with these women in mind because I have known so many of them over the years. The thing that puzzles me most is that these women who have been hinting to their boyfriends for years that they want to get married are women that wouldn’t put up with being given the runaround in any other situation. These women make smart decisions in every other aspect of their lives, yet they stay in a situation where they seem to be the only ones that are unaware that these men will never marry them.
So why are these men so opposed to tying the knot? Although there are always specific details that vary among the stories of these couples, there are really only 2 main reasons why these men will not marry these women: 1) The man just does not want to get married 2) The man doesn’t want to marry that particular woman. I know this seems like an over simplification, but I think that delving into all the details of why a man is not marrying her, is what often causes women to get caught up in trying to turn these relationships into marriages.
Men Who Just Don’t Want To Get Married- There are some men who just have no intention of getting married. It’s easy to get caught up in the reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and to view them as barriers that can be overcome. If he has sworn off marriage because he went through an ugly divorce you may be tempted to prove that with you it can be different. If he thinks he is not the type of person who can be faithful, you may feel tempted to see the challenge as making sure that you prove to him that you can be exciting and desirable enough to make him never want to look at another woman again.
The problem is that not wanting to get married is about him, not about you. I’ve known women who date men who have told them for years that they never want to get married, yet they seem to think that if they wait it out he’ll change his mind. If a man tells you that he has no intention of getting married and backs that up by dating you for years without marrying, then take him at his word. He won’t be marrying you now matter how hard you try to change this.
Men Who Don’t Want to Marry a Particular Woman- This is a difficult scenario for a woman to accept. When a woman who has waited years for a proposal that never came watches that same man walk down the aisle with another woman, it’s hard not to have doubts about what was wrong with you and why he feels that this other women is so right for him. There are many reasons why a man may not want to marry a particular woman, and it doesn’t mean that anything was “wrong” with the first woman or that he didn’t love her enough to marry her.
It just means that the men weren’t sure that they were compatible enough for marriage. For example, I’ve known women who had careers that made their man think that work would keep them from being the kind of wife that they envisioned. On the flip side, I also knew a woman whose boyfriend felt that he could never be the dependable husband that she dreamed of having because he was a freelancer and never had a job with a steady paycheck. At the time, these women were heartbroken to see the men they had waited for walk down the aisle with someone else. It wasn’t until they met men that were compatible enough to marry that they realized that it truly wasn’t a strike against them that these other men had not wanted to marry them.
So there you have it, the two main reasons behind all the little reasons of why he won’t marry you. No matter which reason it is, the important thing is to move on from a relationship if you’ve reached the point where you want to marry him and he has shown that he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you love someone and thought that they were “the one,” but ultimately it is much better than getting married to the wrong person.
What do you think? Why would a man date a woman for years without marrying her even after she makes it clear how badly she wants to get married? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
P.S. For a humorous look at men who won’t tie the knot visit 25 Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You by Mike The Master Dater.
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Tags: engagement, getting a proposal, how to get a proposal, want to get married, when to get married, why won't he marry me
Posted in lasting love, relationship problems | 15 Comments »
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The most common question that women ask me about marriage is “How can I tell if he is the one?” It is a tricky question, because we can easily tell when we are in love, yet it is not so easy to predict if that love will grow and thrive for a lifetime. We posed the question “How did you know your husband was the one?” to the married ladies in our FaceBook group, and there were 4 factors that showed up so often that I felt they were worth sharing.
