Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘friends and lovers’ Category
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
 It used to be that having a physical relationship with someone determined whether a friend of the opposite sex was merely “just a friend” or whether they would be considered your boyfriend or girlfriend. The notion of a “friends with benefits” relationship no longer draws this distinction. It is based on the idea that someone can still be a “friend” even if you sleep with them from time to time when you happen to not be dating anyone. The official definition from Urban Dictionary is as follows:
Friends with Benefits (FWB): Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without any kind of commitment.
Not surprisingly, it is often people in their mid-twenties and younger that often tout the advantages of these types of FWB relationships, although there are an increasing number of bloggers in their mid-thirties that are also strong advocates of this type of arrangement. No matter how many times I read stories about people that are very content with these types of relationships, I just don’t believe that two people can have a physical relationship and both be happy with “just keeping it casual.” Here are the main problems that I see with this notion that a relationship can be casual and sexual at the same time.
Ongoing and Casual? Despite how much people that enjoy these relationships talk about the benefits of the “casual sex” that their FWB provides, I don’t think that a relationship that is ongoing is really casual. If the desire from both people were really just to go out and have casual sex, then they would sleep with each other and then move on to someone else. The fact that they repeatedly sleep with this “friend,” even if they take a break when one of the two is involved in a romantic relationship with someone else, implies that there is an ongoing relationship that is something more than truly “casual.”
One is Content, One Wants More- Usually we just hear from one person involved in a friends with benefits relationship, and they often tell us how well this works out. They talk about how they have this great friend that they can go to the movies with or even get relationship advice from when they are in a relationship, yet if they are “between relationships” this person is available to satisfy their physical needs. They make it sound so simple, that it’s tempting to believe that this is true, but of course this is just one side of the story.
On the occasions when we have gotten both sides of the story, it never sounds nearly this simple. The answers from one of the “friends” always seems to include a longing to be more than “just friends.” They seem to have agreed to this situation with the hopes that it would evolve into a romantic relationship rather than because they’re perfectly happy this FWB arrangement. We tackled the friends with benefits topic in our Advice Panel video series, and many of the vloggers and people that they interviewed originally felt that these relationships could work, but over time they changed their views. It seems that how positive you feel about these relationships depends on whether you view yourself as being on the giving end or on the receiving end.
No Good Ending- Since we usually do find that one person is less than satisfied with a friends with benefits relationship, there really isn’t a good ending for either person. The person who wants more out of the relationship has obviously set him or herself up for heartache, when the relationship does not evolve into a romantic, committed relationship. Even the person who is happy with the status of the relationship often ends up miserable, because many of them do describe their friend with benefits as one of their closest friends. Although it seems obvious to me that hoping to casually sleep with a best friend is a surefire way to lose a friend, I’m often surprised by just how miserable these people are when they lose a good friend after trying to turn a friendship into a friends with benefits situation.
So, no matter how many times I hear that a friends with benefits relationship is the “best of both worlds,” I just don’t believe it. I think that a relationship is changed forever once two people are intimate and that they can never go back to being “just friends.” Apparently both people in the relationship don’t always realize that the nature of the relationship was changed in a fundamental way once the relationship became physical, which is why I think that so many people are willing to declare these arrangements a success.
What do you think? Can two people continue to merely be friends once the relationship has become physical? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Tags: casual relationship, casual sex, friends with benefits, friends with opposite sex
Posted in advice for women, friends and lovers | 6 Comments »
Saturday, October 10th, 2009
 A few years ago I was surprised to learn that a friend of mine, I’ll call her Jenna, was getting a divorce. Her husband asked for the divorce after she admitted to having an affair with her personal trainer. I remember being surprised, because Jenna didn’t strike me as the type of woman who would cheat on her husband. As surprised as most of us were to find out about this affair, we had one friend who seemed to have known that it was just a matter of time before this friendship between Jenna and her personal trainer turned into something more.
When we asked our friend about how she knew that Jenna was heading down the road to adultery she simply replied “they’ve been dating for months.” Of course we fiercely defended Jenna’s lunches with her trainer as friendly lunches after her training sessions, but our friend then asked us “what’s the difference between that and a date?” With that question, she had us stumped. The only differences that we could come up with were 1) Jenna was married and 2) until the affair, there was nothing physical going on between them during or after these lunches.
Aside from those two factors, these weekly lunch outings did have all the makings of a date. When we thought about it that way, we were surprised that we too hadn’t realized where this relationship was heading. This is not to say that every time someone goes out with a friend of the opposite sex that it is a date in disguise, but there are many times when that’s exactly what it is. So, what is the difference between a friendly outing and a date? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Is it business or pleasure?- The reasoning behind Jenna going to lunch with her trainer was that her training session finished at lunch time, and her trainer was also a nutritionist. Yes, he could make sure that she had a healthy meal after her workout, but having lunch together was definitely not necessary to the business nature of their relationship. If the goal were really just to make sure she knew how to choose a healthy meal, then giving her copies of nutritional guidelines would have served this purpose better than going out to lunch. I’ve also had friends that have met regularly over lunch or dinner with their accountants and lawyers to discuss business that is usually discussed at an office. If your meetings that are supposed to be business are really more pleasure, then you may be venturing into the date category.
Are you getting closer over time? The purpose of going out on dates is to get to know the person better to see if this is someone that you want to be involved with romantically. Of course when you’re single, you know that this is the purpose of going out with this person. When you’re in a relationship, you may mindlessly find yourself getting to know this “friend” better, but you may not realize what is happening.
Although there was not even a friendly kiss on the cheek after lunch according to Jenna, she and her trainer did share things like what places they would like to travel to, and what kind of music they enjoyed. They were definitely getting closer over time and knew much more about each other than you would expect from the typical trainer/client relationship. This should have been a big red flag as to where this relationship was heading, but I think that because she was married and hadn’t actively set out to find a lover, that Jenna still thought of this as a friendship.
Are you attracted to this person? In the end, this is the question that underlies whether a friendship has the potential to turn into something more. If you are attracted to this person, then you need to honestly ask yourself if you would still be heading out with them if they were not attractive. Odds are that if Jenna did not find her trainer attractive, she would have found that there was no reason to be having lunch with him. This isn’t to say that it’s impossible to be friends with an attractive person, but if that friendship involves going out alone with that person it makes it that much more likely that this friendship will turn into something more.
So, what if you realize that yes, you enjoy meeting with this attractive person over lunch when you could meet in their office, and you are getting to know each other better each time you go out. You may tell yourself that you’re not the cheating type, so there’s no reason why you can’t have this close friend who is of the opposite sex. The problem is that you are truly playing with fire by having a friendship with someone you find attractive when you’re in a committed relationship. It just takes that one time when you’re friendly outing happens to be during a rough patch in your relationship or right after a fight with your partner for that friendship to turn into something that you swore would never happen.
What is your opinion? Please share your thoughts in the comments section about whether or not someone can regularly go out with an attractive friend of the opposite sex without risking it turning into something more.
Tags: adultery, cheating, cheating husband, cheating wife, infidelity
Posted in advice for women, friends and lovers | 14 Comments »
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
 Every woman and man has had to deal with that friend that never seems to have time for you once they’re in a relationship. Usually we learn to balance our time between friends and lovers so that every time we’re in a new relationship it doesn’t mean that our other friendships have to end. The one type of friendship that often can’t survive a relationship is a friendship with the opposite sex.
For the purpose of this discussion I’m strictly talking about friendships that have always been platonic, not a friendship that you may have with someone where the relationship was once a romantic one. If you are the type of woman who has always had many male friends, you will probably find that over time you have less and less male friends the longer that you remain in a relationship. There’s just something about long term relationships that seem to destroy friendships with men much more than they affect our friendships with women. Here are many of the reasons that I’ve seen that make it difficult to maintain friendships with men.
Jealousy- Many men get jealous of their girlfriends spending time with male friends. Sometimes this jealousy in unfounded, and the friendship is one where there is no attraction on either side. In some circumstances, there is merit to this jealousy. I’ve known women that have been oblivious to the fact that the male friend that they view almost as a brother, is clearly attracted to them. They may not notice this, but the men that they’re dating realize it as soon as they meet they guy.
Public Opinion- Some men at first have no problem with a woman having male friends, especially if he has met the friend and feels confident that there is no secret attraction. The acceptance of this friendship usually falls by the wayside the longer the relationship progresses. This is especially true after the first time he is asked where his girlfriend is and his answer that she is out with a male friend is met with snickering and raised eyebrows. No matter how much relationships between men and women have changed, many people really don’t believe that men and women can be friends, and the court of public opinion does have an influence over whether you continue friendships with your male friends.
Polar Opposites- I know many women that are optimistic about their boyfriend and their male friends becoming one big happy group of friends. The problem with this almost across the board seems to be that the men that we choose as friends are totally different than the men that we choose for a romantic relationship. It’s not necessarily that these two types of men dislike each other, it’s just that they are too vastly different to become friends.
So, if you still have lots of male friends, odds are that you’re not in a serious relationship, or that if you are you haven’t been in one for very long. That doesn’t mean that you’ll have to give up your male friendships the second your relationship becomes serious, but you will probably notice that over time they just fade away. I’m not a big believer in men “forcing” women to get rid of their male friends, but for most couples it’s not realistic to maintain those opposite sex friendship the longer they stay in a serious romantic relationship.
Tags: advice for women, friends and lovers, friends with opposite sex
Posted in advice for women, friends and lovers | 24 Comments »
Monday, March 9th, 2009
At some point, nearly every woman will have to decide if a breakup means that ties are completely severed with her ex or if they are going to remain friends. Whether your ex is an ex boyfriend, ex-husband, or somewhere in between, trying to remain friends with your ex is a recipe for disaster. Of course, if you have a child with your ex, you will still see your ex from time to time and you will need to remain civil to one another, but I would still caution against a true friendship with your ex.
The problem with trying to remain friends with your ex is that one of you (or possibly both) has a hidden agenda. It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom or whether you are trying to remain friends out of concern for the other person or for purely selfish reasons. Either the person asking for the friendship, the person agreeing to it, or perhaps both are entering this situation because they want to leave the door open for a future relationship with their ex. To illustrate this, here are the typical scenarios for remaining friends:
“I Don’t Want to Breakup So I’ll Wait it Out as a Friend“- You’re in for heartache if your motive is to use friendship as a way to get your ex back. The problem is, your ex almost certainly knows how you still feel about him. You’ve now set yourself up to be his free insurance policy against loneliness. You’ll most likely hear from him when he’s having problems with the new woman in his life or when he’s between women.
“I’m Sure I Want to Breakup, but Just in Case…”- This is the flip side of the previous scenario. In this one, you feel fairly confident that you want to breakup, but there is that little nagging feeling that maybe you’re doing the wrong thing. In this case you’re the one who would like a little insurance that if that cute guy that you’ve met or hope to meet doesn’t work out, then you’ll still have a shot at the ex that is pining away for you. Sounds like you’re being very unfair to the other person, doesn’t it? There’s a good reason why it sounds that way.
“I Don’t Want to Hurt Him”- Some women genuinely feel sorry for the guy that they are breaking up with, and they feel like it is an easier let down if they offer to remain friends. You may think that you’re being nice, but you’re giving him false hope by doing this. He won’t bother to meet other women when he’s busy trying to win you back by being a good friend to you. It’s better for him if you make a clean break rather than offering a friendship option that he doesn’t want anyway.
“We’re Best Friends, Why Should a Breakup End That?”- This is one that you’ll hear a lot from those on again, off again, on again couples. You may have been best friends, but there was also physical attraction there. You can never go back to being just friends once there’s been a physical relationship. This is why these couples so often end up in a loop of breaking up and getting back together.
As you can see, no matter how great it sounds to be friends with your ex it is filled with problems. At best, it is not realistic, and at worst, it is emotionally unhealthy. This is not to say that you should go out of your way to be mean and bitter towards your ex, but even a period of bitterness is preferable to hanging on to the false hope that a friendship with an ex will develop into something more.
Tags: break up, breaking up, breakup, ex boyfriend, ex husband, staying friends with ex
Posted in advice for women, break up, friends and lovers | 8 Comments »
|
It used to be that having a physical relationship with someone determined whether a friend of the opposite sex was merely “just a friend” or whether they would be considered your boyfriend or girlfriend. The notion of a “friends with benefits” relationship no longer draws this distinction. It is based on the idea that someone can still be a “friend” even if you sleep with them from time to time when you happen to not be dating anyone. The official definition from Urban Dictionary is as follows:
