When it comes to women and dating, there’s been a phenomenon called “The Rules” which emerged from the book: The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right.  The original Rules book has been published in 27 languages and has spun off editions covering online dating and marriage, but what really keeps its authors in the spotlight is the controversy that The Rules have created among women.  Women who are proponents of The Rules believe that they give women control over their dating lives, while opponents believe that they encourage women to be deceitful as long as the end result is snagging a husband.

Many women agree with much of what is stated in The Rules when it comes to the early stages of relationships.  They encourage women to not be too eager with a man, which includes calling him too often, being too available too often when he wants to make a date with her, and of course not sleeping together too soon.  Even though this may seem like a bit of game playing, the early stages of dating are often like playing a game until the guy has proven that he is a decent guy who is genuinely interested in finding a partner and not just a guy out for a conquest.

The rules seem to annoy women a lot more when they venture into how to behave once the relationship becomes serious and they send some women into a frenzy of outrage when they start advising women on how to turn that relationship into a marriage proposal.  Some of the basics during this stage of the rules are:

• A Woman should not see a man more than 3 times per week even if she is at the point where her feelings for him make her want to see him more often.
• If you’ve been dating for more than a year and haven’t received a proposal, see less of him and think about dating others.  Which ties into the next rule which is possibly their biggest rule–
• Rules women do not date men for more than two years

So how is it that some women find these rules empowering, while women like Kelly at Notes from the Dating Trenches, find them offensive?  One of Kelly’s big issue with the rules is that as she states “they are based on not communicating with actual words.”  I agree that the act of being “deliberately unavailable” when a man is late calling you back rather than asking him where the heck he was is rather passive aggressive, yet I also think that many men often respond better to such actions rather than to words.

In defense of women like Kelly who feel offended by the rules, there are some statements from The Rules authors that do demean women.  For example, one of their rules states that women should Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Now this may sound like a great idea, because every woman wants to stand out as an individual unlike any other.  The problem is their recommendations for how to be such a creature, which they describe as: “…It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare)…”

I have to admit, this part crossed the line for me.  I have a good friend who is somewhat of a “babbler,” which is part of what makes her endearing to those who love her.  Does this turn off 95% of the men she meets?  Yes, it certainly seems to, but let’s remember that  marriage is a partnership of equals.  I would say it is better for her to be herself and hold out for that guy who falls into the 5% of men that appreciate this quality, rather than change herself to attract that 95% who don’t like that quality.  Marrying a man in that category will either mean that she will need to continue to pretend indefinitely, or that the man is in for a rude awakening when he discovers that she is not the “demure” woman that he thought she was.

So what about all those women who defend the rules.  Well surprisingly, one blogger who defends them is Christan, no-nonsense blogger over at Moxie in the City, who I would have guessed would hate the rules because they do seem to imply that every woman’s ultimate goal is marriage.  Christan’s defense of the rules stems from the simple fact that looking at the lives of her happily married friends leads her to conclude that the rules work.  I have to agree with her on the fact that the happily married women that I know, including myself, were not the type of women to let the man take the entire lead in where the relationship was going.

So, back to the original question–Do The Rules empower or demean women?  I think that much of it goes back to the role of women.  If a woman is truly independent and has a professional and social life that extends beyond the man in her life, then these rules can be empowering.  She shouldn’t let the man set the tone of the relationship to where he can see her all the time and date her for years without proposing IF her goal is marriage.  On the other hand, if a woman is miserable during the days when she is not out with her man, then altering her behavior in order to “follow the rules” is of no benefit.  The woman is not being true to herself, and if the relationship turns into marriage because she appeared to be more independent than she was, then this marriage is headed for disaster.

So, what do you think of the rules?  Do they encourage women to assert themselves?  Or do they encourage women to be manipulative?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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