As we receive more and more stories from couples who have gone to marriage counseling, one of the things that strikes me most is how many of these couples still end up getting divorced. I understand that it is couples who feel that their marriage is in serious trouble who are seek counseling in the first place, but honestly I cannot name a single couple that I know who was able to save their marriage through counseling. That isn’t to say that I don’t know couples who have saved their marriages, I just don’t know any who have achieved this through counseling.
I decided to do some digging to see if counseling really tends to help marriages or not. I found a study from the University of Chicago which surveyed couples who claim to have turned around previously unhappy marriages. In this study, 1/3 of the couples interviewed had sought counseling, and the majority of these couples did not feel that counseling made any significant contribution to saving their marriage. We’ve had much the same input on LuvemOrLeavem with couples either feeling that counseling was of no value to them and sometimes made things worse. Here are some of the main complaints that we’ve heard about marriage counseling:
Climate Setting- Very often, one person suggests that counseling be sought, and the other simply goes along with this request. Many of the spouses who went to counseling at the request of their spouse felt very strongly that the decision to end the marriage had already been made. They expressed the feeling that their spouse wanted to set the tone for how unhappy they were by asking that they attend counseling rather than flat out asking for a divorce. I can understand how this can happen, but I think that it’s unfair to mislead someone into thinking that counseling is an attempt to save the marriage if the true purpose is to help the spouse understand that the marriage is over.
Counselors Who Are Divorced- I’m not prepared to say that a counselor who has been divorced cannot properly counsel a couple, but I can understand why a person would be leery of the high number of marriage counselors that do seem to be divorced. We received one letter from a woman who was outraged to discover that the counselor who was supposed to be working to help her save her marriage had been previously been married three times. Yes, I understand that they went to school for this and are credentialed, but this scenario still feels very similar to going to an orthodontist with horribly crooked teeth.
Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?- I am always surprised at the number of women who tell us how great their “marriage counselor” as they then go on to explain how much their counselor helped them cope after their divorce. While I’m glad that counseling helped them, I can’t help but wonder why their expertise was more in the area of divorce than the area of marriage.
All Talk and No Action- One of the biggest complaints that couples shared with us is that they felt that their weekly sessions were more about sharing their problems rather than solving these problems. Sometimes it feels great to get things out, but sharing what you feel is wrong about your spouse and your marriage can just lead to bad feelings if you don’t get beyond the “airing out” stage. Several of these couples had been in counseling for over a year and felt that there was no end in sight for when the would done with counseling.
So while I do feel strongly that unhappy marriages can be saved, I still don’t feel convinced that counseling plays a significant role in saving most marriages. The stories that we’ve received and the study that I mentioned seem to show that I am not alone in questioning just how helpful counseling is when it comes to saving marriages. It is impossible to say whether the counseling itself is flawed or whether many of the couples seek counseling do so after being unhappy for such a long time that it that much harder to save the marriage. One thing that is certain is that if you do start to feel that your marriage may benefit from counseling, it is best to seek help early and to choose your counselor very carefully.
What do you think? Do you believe that marriage counseling can save a marriage? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Related Posts:
Can Just One Person Save a Marriage?
Does Religion Strengthen a Marriage?
Recently, when I wrote about the different types of 
