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Archive for the ‘Divorce’ Category

Is Most Marriage Counseling Misguided?

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

As we receive more and more stories from couples who have gone to marriage counseling, one of the things that strikes me most is how many of these couples still end up getting divorced.  I understand that it is couples who feel that their marriage is in serious trouble who are seek counseling in the first place, but honestly I cannot name a single couple that I know who was able to save their marriage through counseling.  That isn’t to say that I don’t know couples who have saved their marriages, I just don’t know any who have achieved this through counseling.

I decided to do some digging to see if counseling really tends to help marriages or not.  I found a study from the University of Chicago which surveyed couples who claim to have turned around previously unhappy marriages.  In this study, 1/3 of the couples interviewed had sought counseling, and the majority of these couples did not feel that counseling made any significant contribution to saving their marriage.  We’ve had much the same input on LuvemOrLeavem with couples either feeling that counseling was of no value to them and sometimes made things worse.  Here are some of the main complaints that we’ve heard about marriage counseling:

Climate Setting- Very often, one person suggests that counseling be sought, and the other simply goes along with this request.  Many of the spouses who went to counseling at the request of their spouse felt very strongly that the decision to end the marriage had already been made.  They expressed the feeling that their spouse wanted to set the tone for how unhappy they were by asking that they attend counseling rather than flat out asking for a divorce.  I can understand how this can happen, but I think that it’s unfair to mislead someone into thinking that counseling is an attempt to save the marriage if the true  purpose is to help the spouse understand that the marriage is over.

Counselors Who Are Divorced- I’m not prepared to say that a counselor who has been divorced cannot properly counsel a couple, but I can understand why a person would be leery of the high number of marriage counselors that do seem to be divorced.  We received one letter from a woman who was outraged to discover that the counselor who was supposed to be working to help her save her marriage had been previously been married three times.  Yes, I understand that they went to school for this and are credentialed, but this scenario still feels very similar to going to an orthodontist with horribly crooked teeth.

Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?-  I am always surprised at the number of women who tell us  how great their “marriage counselor” as they then go on to explain how much their counselor helped them cope after their divorce.  While I’m glad that counseling helped them, I can’t help but wonder why their expertise was more in the area of divorce than the area of marriage.

All Talk and No Action- One of the biggest complaints that couples shared with us is that they felt that their weekly sessions were  more about sharing their problems rather than solving these problems.  Sometimes it feels great to get things out, but sharing what you feel is wrong about your spouse and your marriage can just lead to bad feelings if you don’t get beyond the “airing out” stage.  Several of these couples had been in counseling for over a year and felt that there was no end in sight for when the would done with counseling.

So while I do feel strongly that unhappy marriages can be saved, I still don’t feel convinced that counseling plays a significant role in saving most marriages.  The stories that we’ve received and the study that I mentioned seem to show that I am not alone in questioning just how helpful counseling is when it comes to saving marriages.  It is impossible to say whether the counseling itself is flawed or whether many of the couples seek counseling do so after being unhappy for such a long time that it that much harder to save the marriage.  One thing that is certain is that if you do start to feel that your marriage may benefit from counseling, it is best to seek help early and to choose your counselor very carefully.

What do you think? Do you believe that marriage counseling can save a marriage?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Related Posts:
Can Just One Person Save a Marriage?
Does Religion Strengthen a Marriage?

Renaming Early Divorce as a Starter Marriage

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

Last week’s post about divorce after 40 years of marriage had me digging through all types of data regarding modern day divorce.  The trend that most caught my attention was at the low end of the marriage time line.  I knew the number of divorces in this group was high, but what I didn’t expect were many of the attitudes emerging from this group.  One popular theme among authors who write about early divorces has been to refer to these short marriages as “starter marriages” or “learner marriages.”  The majority of authors on the subject define “starter marriages” as ones that meet the following criteria:

1. First marriage for both the husband and wife
2. Lasts less than 5 years
3. There are no children
4. The couple is divorced by approximately age 30

The authors that use the term “starter marriage” describe these marriages more as a rite of passage than a mistake.  They also advocate the idea that they are now better prepared for a lifetime of marriage after having completed this “starter phase.”  I take issue with both of these notions, because I think they cheapen what marriage is meant to be, as well as glossing over of the pain that usually accompanies divorce.

I know people who have gone through difficult divorces, and others who have gone through amicable divorces.  Of all the divorced women that I know, I have never met any who would describe their divorce experience as “overwhelmingly fantastic” like the author of one of the many starter marriage books.  She glibly describes a “starter marriage” as if it were just a step along the path to a lasting marriage in much the same way that a “starter home” is a step towards buying a home that you want to live in for a lifetime.  Here are some of that main aspects that I take issue with when it comes to all the writings that tout the benefits of these short marriages:

Attitudes Affect Outcomes- It is not enough to make a marriage last a lifetime just by heading into it with a positive attitude, but I do think that heading into a marriage with the notion that it may not last is a guarantee that it will not last.  It’s one thing to be coming out of a divorce and viewing divorce as something that doesn’t have to destroy your life.  The situation is totally different when you are entering into a marriage and already thinking that a divorce down the line does not have to destroy your life.

How About Learning By Dating- One of the main arguments in articles that discuss the “benefits” of starter marriages is the notion that these people were not ready to be married in the first place.  The authors then go on to discuss how much better it is that the couple divorced rather than staying in a marriage that they were not ready to enter.  I agree that people need to be mature enough to be married and that they should never succumb to the pressure of getting married before they are ready.  To me this just makes a good case for waiting to get married until you are ready, it doesn’t make a case for jumping into a marriage that you aren’t ready for.

Marriage Lessons Are Not Learned Quickly- No matter how well you know your spouse and feel that you have this whole marriage thing down pat, there will be times when you feel that all the rules have been changed.  It may be the birth of a child, a layoff, or an illness, but at some point in your marriage you will realize that your relationship has changed and that the way you are dealing with your spouse needs to change as well in order for your marriage to survive.  The majority of the people writing about these starter marriages had marriages that lasted in the 2 to 3 year range.  I’m not dismissing what you can learn about yourself and about life in that time frame, but there are limits.  I think that these people are fooling themselves if they honestly believe that they are fully prepared to make their next marriage last a lifetime merely because they were briefly married.

So no, I don’t buy into this concept of calling early divorces “starter marriages” and making a case that they can be positive for society by providing some type of marital training ground that will be beneficial later in life.  I do agree with the notion that a couple should not consider having children if they have doubts about a marriage lasting, but I would take it a step further and argue that a couple should not get married in the first place if they have so many doubts about a marriage lasting.  Of all of the many “lessons” that these authors claim to have learned during these “starter marriages” I didn’t read one that wouldn’t have been better learned by just waiting to get married.  Yes, we learn by making mistakes, but this doesn’t mean that we should jump head first into what is likely to be a mistake in the hopes that this will speed along the learning process.

What do you think about the term “starter marriage?”  Please share you thoughts in the comments section.

Related Posts

Long Term Marriage and Divorce

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Can Just One Person Save a Marriage?

Long Term Marriage and Divorce

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

The big news last week on LuvemOrLeavem was that we got a chance to speak about relationships on Oprah Radio.  Of all the topics that we discussed with show host, Derrick Ashong, the one that had the most theories was the divorce of Al and Tipper Gore.  After 40 years of marriage their announcement was surprising, especially since there was no major scandal, just the simple declaration that they had “grown apart.”

Statistics show that most divorces happen within the first ten years of marriage, so we often have the impression that long term marriages are “divorce proof.”  Even though divorce after 40 years of marriage is a rare occurrence statistically, recent trends suggest that the number of couples getting divorced after 20, 30 and even 40 years of marriage is on the rise.

There isn’t anywhere near the amount of data for long term marriages that end in divorce as there is for couples who divorce in the early years of marriage.   However, there is some data emerging  based on interviews with couples divorcing after more than 25 years of marriage.  Here are three of the major findings that are emerging from this research  to help explain why the number of couples who are divorcing after more than 25 years of marriage is steadily increasing.

Staying Together for the Children- It is certainly not a new concept to avoid divorce for the sake of a couple’s children, but it does present a difficult situation once these children are grown.  Marriage researchers report that even couples who claim to have been happy throughout their marriage need to put forth extra effort to rediscover each other once their children grow up and leave home.  For those couples who were merely hanging in there for the children, divorce is usually the next step rather than embarking on this path of rediscovery.

Redefining the Golden Years- It used to be that when people were in their late 50′s and early 60′s they were expected to start planning for a relaxing retirement.  These days, people in this age group are more active than ever.  Some have no plans to retire, some are embarking on second careers, while others enjoy hobbies like riding motorcycles or rock climbing that they would have been considered “too old to do” a generation ago.

Changing Expectations of Marriage- Going hand in hand with our redefining of these so called golden years, are the personal expectations that people have regarding their relationships and their happiness.  Love and intimacy are now viewed as crucial aspects of a marriage at any stage of life, not just in the younger years.  Those that no longer find their marriages providing the happiness that they have come to expect, are more likely to leave a marriage than couples in the past who did not have these same expectations.

So at this point, the research is still coming in as to why couples are getting divorced later in life than they ever have in the past.  Some people have merely chalked up the increase in these divorces to increasing life spans, but there seems to be a lot more at work than that.  The findings listed here were based on studies conducted on hundreds of couples divorcing after many years.  As these numbers increase and more couples are interviewed, there will be more information to shed some light on this growing trend of divorcing after many years of marriage.

What do you think about couples divorcing after so many years of marriage?  What are your theories on why this trend is on the rise?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Related Posts
Can Just One Person Save a Marriage?
Does Religion Strengthen a Marriage?

Reality Show for the Newly Divorced

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

Champagne SunriseRecently, when I wrote about the different types of divorce parties, I touched on the variety of ways that women can heal after divorce.  For some it may involve getting rid of every painful trace of the marriage, for others it may involve spending time with friends and still others may choose a new hobby or career that they never had time to pursue while they were married.  The way a woman heals after divorce depends very much on her personality and the nature of the divorce.

At the top of the list for many of the newly divorced is a vacation for helping them to get past the pain.  Of course with the high cost of divorce, a vacation is a luxury that most will not be able to afford.  Well, there is a now a new reality show that is in the process of casting called “Divorce Getaway” where the newly divorced or separated will get that much needed vacation.   Participants for the show will also have the chance to win cash and prizes, but most importantly they will be provided with resources to help them rebuild their lives and hopefully have some fun in the process.

Producers from Glassman Media are looking for recently divorced or separated men and women between the ages of 25 and 45 who are looking to rebuild their lives.  There are many details of the show that are still in the works, but the participants will definitely be getting some time away at a five star resort.  As far as reality show getaways, this sounds way better than having to build your own shelter and scrounge for food like they do on some of those other reality shows.

To apply for the show or to nominate some you know, email the following information to DivorceGetaway4@gmail.com:

1.    Name:
2.    Occupation:
3.    City where you live:
4.    Phone:
5.    How long separated or divorced:
6.    Short bio on downfall of the relationship:
7.    Include the reason your spouse would say it ended:
8.    Two Pictures

To view the official casting release visit the Divorce Getaway page at Glassman Media where you can also view videos of their prior projects.  And of course if you do get on the show don’t forget to stop by and tell your friends at LuvemOrLeavem all about it.


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