Relationship Blog by Advice Maven
Archive for the ‘dating’ Category
Monday, January 25th, 2010
 When we first launched LuvemOrLeavem we still had a few people that needed to be convinced that online dating was a viable way for them to meet that special someone. These days, most of our regulars seem to have embraced online dating, and the big debate of “Should I try it or not?” has shifted to speed dating. Since we do have so many discussions that have popped up regarding speed dating, I thought it was time to revisit the topic and let all of you know about the basics of speed dating, what changes have taken place in the speed dating world and why people are choosing this method to search for their perfect match.
Although speed dating events take place in a variety of venues, there are some rules that are consistent across all the reputable speed dating companies and events. These rules have been put in place to make the event as comfortable as possible, to ensure the safety of the speed daters and because they are tried and true factors in what makes a speed dating event fun even if you don’t find a perfect match.
The Basics:
1. Registrants complete a registration form.
2. Information from registration forms is used to match up daters for a series of mini dates
3. Daters go on their mini dates with their matches, moving on to the next date when the time is up.
4. Daters must complete all assigned mini dates for the duration of the assigned time.
5. Participants cannot ask for or exchange contact information
6. Participants let the speed dating company know who they would like to be matched with from the event.
7. When there is a match the speed dating company will provide contact information to both people
Changes in speed dating:
- Shorter Time Limits- The change that we’ve heard the most positive feedback about is that many speed dating companies have reduced the amount of time that daters spend on their mini dates. When we first wrote about speed dating, the average was close to 10 minutes, but now the average is 5 minutes or less. Daters had complained to us about how 10 minutes was an eternity if there was no interest from the moment you took your seat, so this should be a big incentive for anyone who has been on the fence about whether or not to give speed dating a try.
- More Specialized- Speed dating companies do their best to match people by using their registration forms, but many are also running specialized events so that all daters have certain characteristics in common. For example, there are speed dating events for daters within certain age ranges, there are events for daters of specific religions, and there are even events that cater specifically to single parents.
- More Venues- Although most speed dating events are held in bars or restaurants, there are also speed dating events that take place in bowling alleys, on golf courses and there are even “speed cooking” events where participants take turns preparing parts of a meal together in a commercial kitchen. If you have a hobby that you feel your future love must also enjoy, odds are that you will be able to find some sort of dating event focused around this hobby.
So, with online dating becoming such a common way for couples to meet, why do some singles choose speed dating? Here are some of the most popular reasons that our readers have shared for why they have tried or continue to try speed dating.
- Face to Face- We get a lot of complaints from women who discover that their online date posted a photo from either 10 years or 30 pounds ago, so it’s not surprising that what people liked most about speed dating was being able to see the other person.
- Can Learn Much, Quickly- Even if someone is totally honest in their profile, there are just certain things that you can learn about a person in a few minutes when speaking in person, which you my not learn after hours of phone conversations or multiple emails.
- More effort- I would think that this is a bad thing, but a lot of women like the idea that the man had to make the effort to get out of the house rather than just sitting in front of his laptop. Women here in the San Francisco Bay Area seemed to especially appreciate that these men are willing to travel. Here is a quote from one such women “I went speed dating on The Peninsula, but I met a man from the East Bay. I figured if he could get here once he’ll get here again, unlike guys I meet online who act like coming out to the Peninsula is like traveling to the ends of the Earth.”
So now you know all about the latest trends in speed dating and why so many singles are willing to give it a try. Still not sure about speed dating? Come visit LuvemOrLeavem’s video page as we go behind the scenes of the country’s largest speed dating event. We’re sending video correspondent, Nando Rodriguez, to the Find Your Luvah event this Friday, January 29th from 8:00pm – 10:00pm (EST) We will be posting mobile video, Tweeting Live and allowing real time questions and comments. Come see what speed dating is really all about. We will also have permanent video of the event posted as well in case you’re not able to visit the site this Friday.
Please share your thoughts. As always, please use the comments section to let us know what you think about speed dating, or to let us know what you would like to know about speed dating when we go behind the scenes.
![]()
Tags: find love, find the one, speed dating event, what is speed dating, why speed dating
Posted in dating | 14 Comments »
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
 Although there are many types of dating mistakes that women share with us, the mistake of dating a man exclusively too soon into a relationship is the one that is most often the real culprit that keeps women from finding that special guy. It may sound dramatic to call this the “biggest” dating mistake, but what elevates it to this level is that women often don’t recognize that dating exclusively so quickly is a mistake. This is a problem for both inexperienced and experienced daters, who not only make this mistake, but continue to make it over and over again. Here are some reasons why I think that women continue to make this mistake and why they need to break this habit:
Can’t See the bigger picture- Most women are great with details. After a relationship ends, women are likely to identify many of the details as to why that particular relationship ended. It’s important to recognize specific mistakes and to vow not to make them again, but it’s also important to see the big picture. A woman may realize that she was wasting her time with a man who wasn’t ready to commit, but this is just a detail about what is wrong with her dating strategy. The big picture is that it took her months to discover this about this man while ruling out all chances of meeting a man that was a better match for her.
Some things take time- You may need months of dating someone to discover the things about them that determine whether or not this relationship has the potential to last. In the example above, the big problem is not that it took months to determine that the man was not ready for commitment, the problem is that the woman didn’t keep her options open while she was making this discovery.
We often look down on women who date multiple men- When men aren’t dating any one particular woman exclusively, we may say that they are “playing the field” or give it some other term that shows approval. Woman who date in this manner are often described in much less flattering terms. Now of course if you are dating multiple men as you search for “the one,” you need to hold off on getting involved sexually with these men. First, you need to wait until you have been dating that special guy, who stands out from the others that you’re dating, long enough to determine if he has the characteristics that you want in a long term partner. Next, make sure that you are both seeing each other exclusively and are both looking at creating a lasting relationship, before you get sexually involved.
Women aren’t comfortable approaching this topic- Many women worry that a man will think that they are “slutty” if they let him know that they’d rather date a few men casually before deciding if they want to date one of them exclusively. Men actually seem to have a better handle on the concept that dating should be fun than women do, and many men complain to us that most women are looking for a relationship to become too serious too soon. Women need to keep in mind that even though their ultimate goal for dating may be to find a soul mate, they should still be having fun during the dating process.
More prospects = greater chance of success- If you’ve ever been in sales, you know that your chances of success are the greatest when you have multiple prospects rather than focusing all your time and energy on one prospect. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but the goal of finding a lifetime partner is even more difficult to achieve than the salesman who wants to land a million dollar deal. You would laugh at the salesman who only pursued one client after one meeting with them, yet we tend to see nothing wrong with the woman who starts dating a man exclusively after only one date.
So, if you are a woman looking for that special someone, or you know a woman who is searching, be aware of this “biggest” of dating mistakes. I’ve known many women that were finally able to find that special guy once they broke this habit of always dating exclusively. Instead of dating one or two men over the course of a year, they had the chance to date many men and compare the potential that they all had for becoming that lifetime partner.
What do you think? Do you think that dating should be exclusive? Or should it remain casual until you have enough time to decide if this is a person you want to date exclusively? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
![]()
Tags: dating exclusive, dating problems, find my soulmate, find soulmate, find the one
Posted in dating, find love | 15 Comments »
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
 I’ve written extensively about technology harming our relationships, and my ideas have been met with an equal number of readers that agree and disagree with me. My main concern is what happens to our relationships with the people that are most important to us when we send a text instead of seeing them in person, or when we are texting someone else when we should be giving our undivided attention to the person that is right next to us. I have to admit that I never thought much about the benefits that technology can provide during the early stages of a relationship when we are still getting to know a person and are trying to evaluate whether this relationship has the potential to become serious.
The person who really got me thinking about how use technology in a developing relationship is our newest Advice Panel video blogger, Mike the Master Dater, who has written the definitive guide about dating and texting. Not being one to text, I was surprised to find that as I read about how Mike uses texting that I could actually appreciate that it can be a valuable way to communicate, especially during that getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship.
So, what value can texting add to a developing relationship? And what it can it do for you that you can’t accomplish with a phone call? While talking on the phone is still part of the dating ritual during that flirting and getting to know you stage of dating, there are many potential pitfalls to talking on the phone. In fact, on LuvemOrLeavem we often hear about mistakes that women have made during phone conversations that they wish had never taken place. After going reading through many of these phone conversation horror stories and reading through Mike’s tips on dating and texting, I’ve compiled a list of features that I think make texting more appealing than speaking over the phone for a variety of dating situations.
Your Voice Conveys Emotion- When we want to very clear about how we feel about something we usually want to do so by phone. For example, when I tell my husband that he must be home soon because the kids are wild I do this by phone because my voice conveys that urgency (as do the screaming kids in the background.) Of course when you’re telling a guy that you’re just getting to know that it is “all right” that he can’t go with you to a party tonight, you probably don’t want your voice to convey just how disappointed you are. Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how you word it as you try to sound casual, he will know how you really feel.
Most of Us Can’t “Wing It” in Conversation- We all know that witty person whose mouth can move as fast as their brain, but they are very rare. Most of us blurt out a reply when we feel that we are on the spot to answer, and then hours later our brain provides us with that witty reply that we wish we had thought of at the time. With texting you can take the time to formulate a response and maybe even think of that brilliant reply before you hit send.
Keeps You From Saying Too Much- Most dating coaches encourage singles to avoid revealing too much during lengthy phone conversations. In general, many coaches recommend that you not speak on the phone for much longer than is necessary to make the next date. They recommend this approach so that you save your most interesting stories and conversation topics for your actual date where they will have a greater impact rather than sharing all this over the phone.
For many people, especially women, it can be hard to stop talking once we get started. A simple “how was work?” can end up with a reply that gives a summary of an entire career. By the very nature of texting you will not accidentally spill your life story ahead of time even if you can make your thumbs fly across those keys.
Of course just like talking on the phone there are rules when it comes to texting during that flirting, getting to know you stage. The woman who stares at the phone waiting to reply instantly to a text from that new guy she met is just as bad as the woman who picks up the phone on the first ring as soon as she sees that it is him calling. Some of the rules in texting are the same as for phone calls, but since is it a whole different technology, texting also has its own special set of does and don’t s that will determine whether your flirting stage is successful or disastrous. To learn more about how to use texting to help your dating life visit Mike at MikeTheMasterDater, where he shares his tried and true texting tips as well as some very funny stories.
What do you think about texting and relationships? Do you text or do you avoid it in favor of calling? Please share your thoughts and stories in the comment section.
![]()
Tags: courtship and dating, dating advice for women, dating chatting, dating tips, flirting text messages, flirting tips, love text messages
Posted in communication, dating | 15 Comments »
Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
 Internet dating has made finding love easier for many people, yet many people also find that it has made it easier for daters to lie. This isn’t to say that there hasn’t always been a lot of lying in the world of dating, but when you meet someone over the internet it easier for them to lie to you than if you had met them through a friend (or even a friend of a friend.) Now of course if the relationship progresses, it becomes more difficult to lie and the truth often gets revealed. The problem is that most women don’t want to find out many dates later that the guy who listed “divorced” on his profile is actually newly separated, they want to be able to figure it out on the first date.
This brings me to today’s topic of body language. It’s not surprising that many of us believe that if we just understand more about body language that we could become walking lie detectors and never have to wonder if a person is lying ever again. We see body language experts all over TV, who specialize in telling us what politicians “really mean” when they’re giving speeches as revealed by their body language. There are also are those great crime shows where the lead investigator is able to conclude that a person is guilty or innocent despite misleading evidence because they carefully observe the suspect’s mannerisms. So, is it really that simple? Cross check your date’s behavior against “classic lying behaviors” and you can interpret the meaning behind their words? Well, to find out I asked a variety of body language experts to help me identify the most common behaviors that indicate that someone may be lying.
Body Language That May Indicate Deceit:
- Lack of eye contact, shifting eyes
- Sudden fidgeting
- Move back or turn away while speaking
- Stiffening of posture
- Quicker breathing
With that said, there are still some precautions that you should be aware of when you are observing someones body language. So here are some qualifiers that our experts thought that you should be aware of before you break out the body language books and proclaim yourself an authority on spotting a liar through these techniques.
Things to Take into Consideration When Observing Body Language:
Don’t Be Too Hasty- Body language that frequently indicates lying, like lack of eye contact and fidgeting, still need to be put into the context of the situation. Some people show these behaviors when they are nervous, which is common on the first few dates for many people. If you notice that someone is fidgeting during the entire date, it is more likely that this is from nerves rather than indicating that they are lying about everything that they say. Which brings us to the next interpretation tip.
Look for Patterns- Body language experts often observe a person in a variety of situations before they start interpreting what their body language means. For example, in those great videos when we hear experts interpret what a politician’s body language revealed about parts of his or her speech, the expert will have first watched several speeches by this person to look for patterns as to what topics are being covered when they exhibit various behaviors. Not every behavior means the same thing for every person.
Deciphering Body Language is Not Mind Reading- It is tempting to want to proceed with interpreting the facts behind the lie once we feel that we’ve determined that someone is truly lying. For instance, lets say you’ve determined a pattern of behavior that indicates lying every time a man speaks about being divorced. We may want to jump to the conclusion that he’s not really divorced, but that is a big leap to make. For example, I have a friend who gets very uncomfortable when talking about being divorced, because she’s been divorced three times. Now that may or may not bother someone who dates her, but it’s a far cry from someone assuming that she is still married and looking for some action on the side.
So, with all of the precautions in place about not getting carried away with what reading body language can tell us about whether a person is lying, it is definitely something that you should take the time to observe. Many experts state that as much as 90% of what we communicate is done through our body language rather than our words. Body language interpretation is not fool proof and you will still need to ask many questions to really find out about a person, but it can point you in the right direction as to which questions are most important to get answered for the particular person that you are trying to get to know better.
I’d like to thank the following body language experts for their insights.
Author Barry Maher of BarryMaher.com
Speaker, Linda Talley of Body Language Blog
Dating Coach, Briddick Webb of Attractology.com
Speaker, Shari Alexander of PresentingMatters.com
What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts on body language. Do you take it into consideration when you think someone is lying? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
 ![]()
Tags: body language signs, how to tell lying, is he lying, love and lies, lying, read body language, truth lies
Posted in advice for women, dating | 23 Comments »
|
When we first launched LuvemOrLeavem we still had a few people that needed to be convinced that online dating was a viable way for them to meet that special someone. These days, most of our regulars seem to have embraced online dating, and the big debate of “Should I try it or not?” has shifted to speed dating. Since we do have so many discussions that have popped up regarding speed dating, I thought it was time to revisit the topic and let all of you know about the basics of speed dating, what changes have taken place in the speed dating world and why people are choosing this method to search for their perfect match.
