The most common question that women ask me about marriage is “How can I tell if he is the one?” It is a tricky question, because we can easily tell when we are in love, yet it is not so easy to predict if that love will grow and thrive for a lifetime. We posed the question “How did you know your husband was the one?” to the married ladies in our FaceBook group, and there were 4 factors that showed up so often that I felt they were worth sharing.
1. It started with sparks- Some women called it chemistry, and others called it love at first sight, but all of them identified that special connection that they felt almost instantly when they met their future husband. Now of course there are times when sparks fly in the early days of a relationship and then burn out quickly if other factors of compatibility are not present. Despite admitting that sparks are never enough to sustain a relationship, all of our ladies felt that if there were never sparks, then he is not the one. As one savvy woman put it “if you don’t have chemistry it’s like trying to make a go of it with a good friend and not a lover, that’s not enough for a lifetime together.”
2. You have plenty to talk about, but silence isn’t awkward- When it came to conversation, the most common theme was that if he really is the one then you both have plenty to talk about and you’re both interested in what the other has to say. One woman also added that she knew that her man was the one because they were able to just sit quietly with one another and enjoy each other’s company without feeling the need to fill every silence. One that was mentioned, the discussion shifted to the idea that easy to talk to and easy to be around without talking needed to go hand in hand.
3. Shows respect to all women, not just you- Some women knew their husband was the one by the way he treated the women in his life, which included his mother, sisters and sometimes even his ex-wife. A few ladies also added that they discovered that certain men were not the one by how they treated other women. They felt that even if a man treats his girlfriend like a princess, it is a good indication that his good behavior will not last if he treats other women disrespectfully .
4. You can picture yourself growing old with him- Now I cheated a bit on this one, because there were so many criteria that I lumped into this category. There was everything from having the same core values to having the same religious views, to feeling that you would love this man even once his chiseled features were wrinkled and his hair turned gray (or fell out.) There were too many things to list individually, but they all had to do with women taking a realistic look at the long term rather than just looking romantically at how he made them feel at the moment.
Of course there are no guarantees in life and even a man that meets all of these criteria may not be the one that you are destined to marry. Despite that, I would still argue that if all of these signs are present, then there is a very good chance that he may be the one for you. On the flip side, if these 4 signs are not there, then I would advise you to keep looking.
What do you think? Have you met “the one?” If so, how did you know? If not, then what signs do you plan on using to determine if you have found that special someone?
Twitter: trekkychick
says:
It does start with sparks. There’s no getting around it. I’ve gone on so many first dates with perfectly nice guys, the kind of guy you’d love to have a movie date with, go shopping with, take to a friend’s party, or just chat with, but whom you don’t feel compelled to make the effort for a second date, and with whom you certainly can’t envision kissing. Last week, I was volunteering for children’s cancer association and struck up a conversation with a guy for whom I felt an instant spark. I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt that spark!! Of course, that would be the one guy who didn’t return my call. I tell you, I can’t wait until it’s finally a mutual spark!!
Hi Tina just signed up for your news letter say I can keep abreast of things going on. Hope all is well.
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Twitter: AnamikaS
says:
That sounds like my Guy and i can recognize all those signs you have listed and more. If I am in pain then I can see it reflecting in his eyes. His eyes have that glitter when he sees me. He never has a problem to hold me, hug me or pamper me even in front of a crowd. Everything he does shows me how much he loves me. Even when the first time i met and talked to him i felt that i have known him for ages and that he is the one i wanted to share my life with.
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Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I love this post. As a newly separated single mom. I am now able to look back on my marriage that didn’t work and see that most of the signs were there that this man was not the one for me. The biggest factor is chemistry – you see I was mistaken in thinking that because we didn’t have “sparks flying” that he was “for real” and the one for me because after all he didn’t just want sex. The problem is chemistry is NOT all about sex, but there needs to be that spark there … and well we never had it. I also think I am the type of person who needs to really be dating or in a serious relationship with a person for at least a year or more before marrying and that was not the case with my ex. I am happy to read here more now because I am learning more about what to keep an eye out on in the future should I choose to get back out in the dating field again! Great post, couldn’t agree more with all four points!
Brandy´s last blog ..Top 10 Tuesday: Friendship Is …
I like your choices. The comfortable silence is a great one. If you don’t feel comfortable just “being” than you shouldn’t share your life with that person.
Similar values is also essential.
“The One” in itself is a term that also needs to be looked at. Is there just one person that would be perfect? From a practical standpoint I would say no.
But of course love isn’t practical.
My wife and I have a great relationship mainly because we pay attention to it. And this was always the case. So the only thing I could really add is that, even when dating, the relationship shouldn’t be taken for granted.
The rest of the things you and your “commenters” pretty much covered.
You always come up with fun topics to ponder Tina!
You have some very good points to judge by. I would also just say to take your time and don’t rush into things. I went out with my husband for three years while we both grew up a bit. We’ve been married for 34 years and still going strong so we must have done something right!
Always great to stop and read your posts, they are usually spot on and the points you have listed above are perfect and cover Bill even though we aren’t married I know we will die together since we are already mature, but hopefully we’ll be in our 80′s or better. Anyone that can make me laugh has got to be a keeper.
Jude´s last blog ..Catching Up With My Life
Great post, Tina and on target with each point. You are awfully young to have such sage wisdom, but that is what you have and we keep coming back for more.
askcherlock´s last blog ..Put Adam Smith Back in The Driver’s Seat
You really covered a lot of what I think as well and especially showing respect for all women especially their mom’s which I always felt would be how they’d treat you..and chemistry is really important there has to be sparks in order to stay connected.
great post..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Great post, especially number 4. This is the criteria I tend to use…I’m now engaged but not married, so I guess time will tell. I would say that another sign is that you feel like your best “self” when you’re around him…like you’re not trying to be anyone else.
Twitter: bloomerbride
says:
EXCELLENT advice. I would only add that he should continues to display his interest in you. I firmly believe that, if he isn’t advancing toward you (even once in a relationship), he isn’t interested, really. Really great comments on this post, too!
Suzanne´s last blog ..Talking Trash. Just Don’t.
There were 2 factors about my husband that really stood out while we were dating. The first was that he always called when he said he would. It doesn’t sound like much, but there are a lot of men who don’t. The other was that I never felt like I had to make a good impression. From our first date, I was able to be myself.
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
From another man’s point of view, I share the first point. There should be sparks with the one. So far there has not been a case where my love for another started from a friend; it was always ‘love at first sight.’ After the sparks, it is getting to know the person. And I agree with Sexy Leg and Body that we must observe how the person treat others. If he/she treats others with respect, then more so he/she will be the right one to spend a life with. I agree with you on the other point of whether we can see ourselves growing old with the person.
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Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Speaking from a man’s point of view, yes I agree with most of the mentioned points. However, time will tell, if a man is bull dusting his way around you, with time it will show. No one can bull dust for ever. Another thing is, you do not know someone until you see him loose, that is the one moment when all masks fall off, so pay close attention to that.
One last point, always pay attention to how he treats people who serves him, be it a waiter at a restaurant, the petrol attendant, etc. If a man treats those ppl with respect, he most likely is a gentleman.
Great post Tina, thanks for leaving a thought on my last post, I think we agree on that subject.
Have a lovely day.
Colin.
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