Not surprisingly, we get an enormous amount of love dilemmas that have to do with money. We get stories that cover every financial aspect of a relationship from spouses that have been married for years who have hidden debt from each other, to couples who aren’t sure that they’ll ever be in a good enough financial situation to get married. With so many people losing their jobs you would think that we would be seeing more money problems than ever on LuvemOrLeavem, but that hasn’t been the case.
This isn’t to say that couples aren’t having more fights about money than they would in better financial times, but the kind of money problems that make people question how viable their relationship is seem to be pretty steady. When I sort through the dilemmas that mention money, it makes sense that the number has held steady because the majority of them aren’t about money at all. To better explain what I mean, I’m going to list some of the most common money issues where money is merely an indication of a deeper relationship problem.
Money Reflecting Priorities- As someone who used to prepare taxes, I can tell you that the things that a person spends money on can tell you an awful lot about that person. A quick look at their expenditures can tell you about their hobbies and lifestyle. It can also tell you where their priorities lie, for example, do they give to charity, and if so which ones?
One of the first love dilemmas we received regarding money was from a woman who received a much smaller diamond engagement ring than she was expecting. When I read the dilemma title about her “tiny diamond” I thought it was going to contain the rantings of a woman who just wanted a big rock to show off and didn’t understand that the engagement was the important part. After reading the full story, I could understand her concern. Her fiance had received a large bonus at work and he replaced his 2 year old Mercedes convertible with a brand new one and then purchased her engagement ring with the little that was left over. Now we can debate all day long about whether or not he should have forgone the newer car to buy her a nicer ring, but I don’t think that we can deny that how he chose to spend his money shed some light on his priorities.
Trust and Money- One of the first love dilemmas we had on this topic came from a woman who was furious over her husband buying a “hot stock” which turned out to be a nearly 6 figure financial mistake. It wasn’t until she wanted to cash out some stock for a vacation that she discovered that the money that showed on the spreadsheet that her husband kept was nearly worthless and had been that way for almost a year. Now don’t get me wrong, she was not happy about this terrible investment decision, but she seemed willing to forget this huge investment mistake. What she focused on throughout her dilemma was how many times she had mentioned cashing out of some of this stock and how many opportunities he had to tell her the truth rather than continuing to hide his mistake.
Money and Work Ethic- Many of us know more than a few people who have lost their jobs these days. In the world of dating, the person with the job often picks up the tab for the person who has lost their job. Often, the person who still has a job is understanding and they don’t mind paying for more dates than they did when they both had jobs. Of course even when there isn’t a recession there are those individuals that never seem to have a job or at least never seem to have a cent to show for it.
The issue behind these love dilemmas is not a temporary loss of income, it’s the fear that this person may be a chronic freeloader. If the person that you are involved with has never held a job for more than a few months or they have been involved in a lengthy job search that looks suspiciously like drinking beer while watching your television, then you need to consider that there is a work ethic problem more than a money problem. If you’re not certain if this person is a freeloader or is just having terrible luck, it doesn’t usually take too long for this to be revealed. The first time this person asks you to help them pay rent, utilities, or any other personal expense of theirs, you’ll have your answer.
So, despite the many arguments and relationship problems that are tied to money, it does seem that the ones that are relationship deal breakers have more to do with issues that lie much deeper than mere cash. Our use of money and our attitude towards money reveals a lot about our nature. Yes, there are some money issues that are merely petty and superficial, but if a money issue is causing you serious doubts about your relationship I would urge you to look beneath the surface.
How about you? How does money affect your relationship? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
You’ve made a heck of a point with the idea that money problems might not be about money at all, but rather symptomatic of other issues. Financial stress is a huge factor in relationships, but we do need to realize that other issues can hide. You might just be more willing to deal with financial issues, instead of emotional ones. Great post.
Darlyn
http://www.marriageintimacy.net/marriage-intimacy/marriage-intimacy-funny-picture-post/comment-page-1#comment-4
Twitter: trekkychick
says:
Money destroyed a relationship I had in my early twenties. Well, I guess it’s never actually that simple, but the guy was living in Alaska for a mutually agreed-upon ONE year. He didn’t save up any money and couldn’t return to Oregon the following year. I felt like his lack of motivation saving the money to come back was a reflection of his lack of motivation to save the relationship. Granted, that was my early twenties mindset talking, but ultimately I realized that inability to save money, especially as it related to resolving our physical distance, was a dealbreaker.
I completely agree – the biggest problems are the ones that involve deception. Trust violations can be so difficult to overcome, especially when there is a pattern.
I also see serious relationship problems where there is a big disagreement about the philosophy surrounding money – do we save for a rainy day / retirement or do we live for today and spend til our checking account is dry?
Savers vs. spendthrifts
phd in yogurtry´s last blog ..trouble on american idol
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
Tina, you have made a great point there. A lot of problems which may seemingly be related to money, may not be all about money but more in terms of differences in priority and perspective as in the first example. Communication is important to find out about each other priority and perspective.
The second example excellently highlighted the important of trust in a relationship. Trust in a relationship cannot be more important in a relationship and once that trust is gone, it will take a longer time to regain the trust between the couple.
BK´s last blog ..Are We Trying to Fix Our Partner’s Problem?
Went through several relationships where money caused many an argument sad to say. Thankfully Bill and I don’t have any issues over money except he does tick me off sometimes when he tells me not to waste my money buying something for him. Have a great weekend.
Jude´s last blog ..Monday Is My Last Day With Entrecard
Unfortunately, money is a very important part in a relationship. Not the money itself but more the money habits of each individual in the relationship. Luckily, hubby and I share the same opinions on how we spend our money.
There have been times when money gets tight and although we share the same financial values, we still end up arguing during the “tight” times. There is just too much tension during those times.
Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..The Cruise and the Plan
So very true! Often times there are deeper issues lying beneath the ways in which we handle money.
And before marriage it’s critical to have a discussion on how you’re going to handle money. And this can change over time.
My hubs and I have evolved over the years to a comfortable place where we now share the same philosophy about donating and saving. It’s so much nicer to be on the same page about this!
Holly Bowne´s last blog ..Quote of the Week
Money, Sex and Kids are the three biggest contributors to tension in any relationship. But like you said, often there’s an underlying issue that surfaces after a while.
Trust, Responsibility,Work Ethic, Motivation, etc.
Money is always tight in our family. Musician/writer meets RN. But we manage because we had the discussions early on in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we do OK, but we always have to think about what we spend. I think it drives my wife crazy, but she trusts me and knows I’m not out buying cars, guy toys or other BS!
But when she complains that I should get some new clothes, my response is, “We can’t afford for all of us to look good.”
But overall, TRUST is the key. Great topic!
Twitter: bloomerbride
says:
Good post. Askcherlock said it — these issues should be discussed before getting married. My husband insisted whatever money you made was yours to do with “what you will” and that we would go 50-50 on everything that was “joint.” So, far it has worked well, except for the fact that now he isn’t making nearly as much now as when we first joined up. So,I suggest that contingency plans for when things don’t go well should be discussed up front, too. Agree on how you will handle things when times are abundant and when times are lean. They bring out different things in different people!
I think certain money problems can be negotiated. If it is a difference between spending and saving, the couple can compromise and both will be happy. The situations you presented were more cut and dry, but there are many gray areas that cover money.
How psychic—I just wrote a post about money and dating today! Money is the root of a lot of problems in relationships—good point in saying a person’s behavior in regard to spending/ saving/ etc. reflects their values and priorities. Sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around this, because it seems in other areas a person can be so giving. I think we should feel more open to have REAL conversations about money…seems very taboo in our society.
The issue of how to handle money should be settled before people get married. It can be a deal-breaker. I have seen it happen. I suppose as you said, much depends on priorities. I knew a gal who worked at a bank. She was very attractive so men flirted with her a lot. She told me that if she interested, she first checked out their bank accounts. I was appalled. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Somewhere in the middle is ideal for me.
askcherlock´s last blog ..From Pittsburgh: Is Big Ben Off-Sides?