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Love Relationship Advice

Are You Too Picky?

I love that we live an era where women are educated, independent, and can wait to marry until they find a man they love rather than needing to find a husband to support them.  Despite how important it is for a women to be be choosy when deciding who to date, there is a point when a woman can be “too picky.”  If you find yourself with a ten page check list, then it’s likely you have switched from searching for the “perfect man for you” to searching for absolute perfection.

For our commenters on LuvemOrLeavem , the difference between high standards and too picky is usually determined by how specific the woman’s requirements are for choosing a man.  For example, looking for a man who is fit is fine.  If she spends her spare time hiking and kayaking, then she’ll be looking for a man who is in better shape than a woman who is happy taking a stroll around the block.  I wouldn’t consider that “too picky” because it is important to have common interests in a relationship.  Of course if your idea of a guy who is fit is defined by his Body Mass Index falling within a narrow range, then yes, I would say you are too picky.

With that said, here is a list of criteria that women have shared with us that have caused their friends, and in some cases even their moms, to say that these women are “too picky” to ever find a man.

“I want a man who is at least 6 inches taller than me (I’m 5′ 8″).  That way I can wear a nice pair of heels and he’s still taller.”

“He has to make at least 300K per year.  That may sound picky if you live in Iowa, but here in Manhattan that’s pretty much middle class.”

“I broke up with a guy that my best friend thought was perfect for me because he had nasty back hair.  I wanted to gag  every time we went to the beach, and hey, I love the beach.”

“I want a guy who’s strong enough to  carry me over the thresh hold one day.  If he’s a scrawny guy, that’s a deal breaker.”

“I broke up with a guy who wanted to go out with just the guys every week.  He can see his friends once a month, but once a week is too much.”

“He dressed like a bum.  I bought him nice clothes for every special occasion, and he still lived in his ratty old jeans and t-shirts.  Bye bye.”

“I don’t have a 10 page list of requirements, but it’s probably close to 8.  I may even have 3 pages devoted just to appearance.  All the other pages describe the characteristic that my future husband must have.”

“He has to like the same music as me, no jazz, no heavy metal, no country, no rap and no hip hop (no exceptions).”

Now some of these seem like kind of silly things to be deal breakers in a relationship, but maybe these ladies are very laid back about a host of other criteria.  If you’ve met men that meet your criteria and the relationship just didn’t work out for whatever reason, then it is likely that you just have high standards.  If you have never even met anyone that comes close to your list of “must haves,” then you may indeed be too picky.

So what do you think? Are these ladies too picky?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

15 Responses to “Are You Too Picky?”

  1. [...] Posts: Are You Too Picky? Smart Women and Relationships Thanks for reading, and I wish you all the best for the new [...]

  2. 9Jaguar says:

    I only have 1 item on my list of what I want in a female life partner. It’s so easy.

    1: Acceptance as a peaceful human being

    It’s leaving us genuine hearted gentlemen in awe. Love is not about competition and war. It is supported by the pillars of truth, balance, and peace.

    The longer you look with your massive lists, the faster you miss us men who value that natural organic human inside you.



  3. Absolutely. I do think however that it depends on what the focus is on. If it’s physical, like being a certain number of inches taller, that’s just ridiculous. I take character over height any day.
    Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..“The Power of Half” book review My ComLuv Profile

  4. RE - A BadGalSays

    Tina you hit it on the head. character is it. if a relationship has any chance to last it has to be based on mutual love and good character in both parties. character is really the key. speaking as an old married woman for 26 years this year.
    RE – A BadGalSays´s last blog ..Tanya Mullings Up for a JUNO – WOW ! My ComLuv Profile

  5. I don’t think it’s that they women are too picky. I think it’s that they are picky about the wrong things. They look for things that have nothing to do with longevity if a relationship. Let me give you one really important question to ask:

    What will this many do when I get pregnant, gain 50 pounds (in spite of teaching a daily aerobics class), and spend the majority of my waking hours retching into a toilet boil?

    Bless my amazing husband of nearly 25 years. He had the right answer to that.
    Alison Moore Smith´s last blog ..The Perfect Television Service My ComLuv Profile

  6. Ange says:

    Hi Tina!

    You nailed it on the head. We gals do tend to be too picky … and yes if you’re already in a relationship it can strain the relationship unbearably. Personally I tend to be too fussy on some items, and then I totally let him get away with things on other things, that perhaps I shouldn’t … and then when I’ve finally had it … I tend to over do it? Anyone else like this?

    PS – wondering if you’d like to guest post on my blog or if we can do a review of your site … what you love most about your site, why you do what you do, …. or ? (your own words of course, or excerpts of…) Let me know.
    Ange´s last blog ..Happiness – In 7 Steps My ComLuv Profile

  7. Jude says:

    I have a list, but it’s a very small one and thankfully Bill had everything I wanted or needed. Top on my list of course was good character, he makes me laugh, he cooks, he’s easy to talk to, and he rides a motorcycle, plus he has a steady job.
    Jude´s last blog ..2 Really Great WordPress Plugins/WP No Category Base/Widget Context My ComLuv Profile

  8. askcherlock says:

    The one major flaw to these lists is the issue of character. I don’t care how much money a man makes or how good looking he is, if he doesn’t have good character he is rubbish. That is not to say that you don’t want to be with someone to whom you can relate (education, etc.) but without good character you are doomed for the statistics and will end up on the page of your hometown newspaper that publishes “Divorces Granted.”
    askcherlock´s last blog ..America Must Avoid Short-Term Solutions to Long Term Problems My ComLuv Profile

  9. Anne says:

    I have seen this with men much more than women. We have a friend who broke up with a girl because she wore boots. He eventually did find a girl to marry, but it took him a very long time. I guess you could also consider it having high standards so I don’t know if I am in a position to judge. I think it goes deeper than just being too picky. I think it is more of a fear of relationships.

  10. This was a great topic and I agree, women get crazy thinking too much. It is important that they earn a living and aren’t lazy and you should think about basic qualities, religion compatibility, do you both want children, and do you have the same values..then watch and listen and decide if you have similar lifestyles, then relax and see where it goes.

    Great idea…for a post..

    Dorothy from grammology
    Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..Death of an Olympian on Network TV: Too Far? My ComLuv Profile

  11. Kelly says:

    Hi Tina,

    Good post! Everyone has been on Lori Gottlieb’s case for saying that women are too picky in her new book, but she definitely has a point. Some of my friends won’t date men unless they are super attractive, tall, charming, sexy, and financially well-off. Ok, it’s great that you want a date with Mr. Big, but these are generally very elusive guys who don’t make the best partners (if they even exist!!). Loosen up the standards and get to know someone before you write him off because he’s a couple of inches too short. Ridiculous.

  12. First of all Tina, I always love your topics! Nice work again!!!

    I hope by now you know me to be a pretty reasonable guy. Yes I can rant and rave, but I have my own system to check myself. But allow me please.


    I mean are kidding me? And don’t get me wrong, I would be saying the same thing if this were a list from THE GUYS. Which in fact, I DO SAY!

    Here’s the deal. All people have a list even if they don’t say it. Fine. I did. But there are much bigger things to tackle than say, “I need a guy who makes $300,000.”
    How foolish is that?

    Here’s what I’ve said on THE GUYS. Every person should make a list of their top three things they need/want. And they should get either the first choice or the second two, just like picking teams for the neighborhood “Capture the Flag” games. We either got first pick or the next two. Seemed pretty fair.

    True Story: I had a girlfriend who was 5’7″. Yes, I was taller, but I’m wiry. For some reason she thought she could beat me in a wrestling match. Now, I’m not saying that a woman can’t beat a man. There’s a lot of woman I wouldn’t want to mess with. But we had our match and I pinned her in about twenty seconds. Nicely of course. And I was rewarded too. But I digress. My point is:
    Get past the initial impression of scrawny, or poor or whatever and get to know the guy. You may be happily surprised that you’re wrong. Then figure out if it works.

  13. I have seen girls who are so picky, so they marry this hunk with a huge bank account. In the end he assaults her, or verbally abuse her. So, looks and bank accounts do not always matter..
    sexy legs and body´s last blog ..300 FOLLOWERS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! My ComLuv Profile

  14. Brandy

    YES I think some of the woman are too picky for sure. I know it’s best to make sure you are compatible and find a man you really want to be with and are attracted to physically & emotionally but if you place too many stipulations on it then you quite possibly may never find that “perfect for you” man!
    Brandy´s last blog ..Happy Valentine’s Day My ComLuv Profile

  15. Jenna says:

    Having high standards is important even it does border on “too picky.” If you believe that you can find someone that meets all your criteria, then it will happen.

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