No matter which reason is his, it’s time for you to really evaluate what all the waiting is doing to you. If you are feeling that unhappy, then it may be better to move on no matter how much it hurts.
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Makes no sense

He wants to move in with me. (I don’t want that) When he comes from work, he’ll come to me immediately and just be here all the time. He doesn’t want me to make decisions without him. He doesn’t like it when I’m going out with my girlfriends, but he won’t stop me and will even look after my kids. (He doesn’t go out himself and I’m not a party animal.) He’ll be kind of hurt when I’m not here when he came over, asking me where I’ve been. But he doesn’t have a problem with me going out with my friends when he is not here or at work.

Even when I’m being very unpleasant he’ll grin and bear it, coming right back. I find that he can’t make a decision and follow through with it. When there is a decision to me made, I must actually carry out the plans. He’ll make this nice promises about “I’ll build you this and fix that” but he never comes to actually doing it, and I must get someone to do it for me. He will pay for it, though, without complaining.

He wants me to find a ring for the engagement, saying that I know that it isn’t his strong point. I even had to find the name and number! of a jeweler for him. It is as he wants everything to be with as little work as possible. I once said to him that I would like my granny’s ring and he expected me to get it from my Mom! (She gave it to me, I must just get it from her and he knows that.)

He helps in the house. Cooking and cleaning, playing with my kids, helping me with work I brought home. It is as if it is contradicting with the above mentioned!

I am attractive. Men notice me. I do not flirt or anything. And I’m very involved with my kids, taking them almost everywhere.

What would this bundle of facts mean for me???

Thanking you so much!!!

If both partners are happy with the status of the relationship, whether it is that marriage will never take place or that marriage will happen somewhere in the future, then I think that is fine. The big problem I see is when the relationship is at the point where one person (usually the woman in my experience) wants to be married and the other partner shows no interest. If it has gotten to the point where the woman in unhappy in the relationship because it hasn’t resulted in marriage yet, then I do think that this is a breaking point.

If both partners have different visions for where the relationship should be heading, then this is a dealbreaker. In this situation, I don’t think that it is realistic to think that the situation can be solved by the woman proposing, because the issue is both partners having different expectations about the relationship, not a mere matter of who will pop the question.
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I just think the couple should discuss marriage, regardless of if there is a formal proposal and regardless of who asks who.

My original point was that I find it irritating when women ask me to ask my partner to get married. Assuming I am just sitting idly by, not asserting myself into my own freakin’ life. It is not solely up to him – it is up to US.

Like he would be the only one to decide if we buy a house, have a kid, etc. Like all major transitions in couplehood – it should begin with a heart-to-heart talk.

if you don’t want to ask, then that’s fine, but there’s nothing wrong with it either, anymore than its wrong for a guy to propose. but it bugs me when a person in a equal relationship wants something, but won’t come straight out and just ask.

There is no “leave him” option. The notion that it is so black and white is very, well, 1950s. Marriage is important to me because it is ceremonial and brings the two families together. He is no opposed to marriage – he just refuses to think about it. He has it in the same box as things like owning a house (which we do), having kids (which we don’t plan on), having a dog (which we do), etc. Things that feel like limits on freedom. Freedom on the core level, not the freedom to date others.

Anyways. I am responding to the people advising that She should ask him to marry her. This is advice I have been given and it bugs me. Its 2010. A marriage should begin with a conversation between two people. Assuming people are not in discussion is narrow.

We will get married someday. But, it is a matter of helping him understand that nothing in our daily lives will change other than my self esteem – which will increase.

We waited quite some time and I’m actually glad we did. But I guess I might be lucky enough to have a man that really understands gender equality. In fact we both hate the whole “guys need to act like this, girls need to act like that” drama.

But I still don’t think one shoe fits all. There was once a time when they said a guy would not marry you if you lived with him. Well I can tell you from the numerous weddings I’ve been going to for the last few years, that ain’t true. And some of them waited years like me. All the couples had lived with each other. But maybe its a generation/type of people thing too. I think the next upcoming ones will be married even less, not everyone is supposed to get married.

Basically people have a certain “distance” they naturally keep others at. You can think of it as a literal space between you and him. If you’re too far away, he will have to pull you closer. But when you say “fine” and come in closer but get to close he has to push you away. Think of it as a balancing act. We all need the other person in that “sweet spot”.

We have problems often when one person needs a distance that is much closer or further than the other person finds comfortable.

And it sounds like that’s at least part of the the issue you’re facing.

You are used to being in a close committed relationship it seems like.

I noticed you’re committing to someone you met quite soon after your divorce. You were married, it didn’t work, you took a break, but now you’re ready to get back into that role. What was your friend doing before he met you? What does his *real* dating history say about him? Note, not the fake one we guys give to impress you

The little things he’s saying that you are catching on to and mentioned hints that he wants to let you know that he is available for *some* amount of commitment. But he may not be as emotionally available as you need. In other words, he doesn’t want you too far. Which you would be if you left him. But he can’t have you too close, which you would be if you two got married. His “sweet spot” may be a bit further from yours.

That *can* change in time. But as others have noted. Please do not count on that. It’s a probability thing. You gamble on that possible change, well you see the other stories posted here. Many of these people gambled on that probability and lost. Effectively, people don’t change. Maybe after a life threatening experience, but even then they often change right back

My advice. Pay attention!

That’s it. Pay close attention to your partner to see what exactly is holding him back. Is it fear or is it some sought of trauma. You don’t want to go against trauma so early, you will lose … Badly… Before you give an ultimatum find out if you’re trying to squeeze blood out of stone. Is this guy even capable of the emotional intimacy you’re asking of him?

Whatever you do, also ask yourself the ‘bail out questions’. What would I do if I actually left? Who would I date? How would I manage? Who would I lean on? You don’t have to do a single thing, but always have that plan. Keep it in mind; Revise it, update it; Mentally act it out. Just by working these things out you’re better off.

Take care!!!