One of the most frequent questions that women ask on LuvemOrLeavem is “why won’t he marry me?” I actually created LuvemOrLeavem with these women in mind because I have known so many of them over the years. The thing that puzzles me most is that these women who have been hinting to their boyfriends for years that they want to get married are women that wouldn’t put up with being given the runaround in any other situation. These women make smart decisions in every other aspect of their lives, yet they stay in a situation where they seem to be the only ones that are unaware that these men will never marry them.
So why are these men so opposed to tying the knot? Although there are always specific details that vary among the stories of these couples, there are really only 2 main reasons why these men will not marry these women: 1) The man just does not want to get married 2) The man doesn’t want to marry that particular woman. I know this seems like an over simplification, but I think that delving into all the details of why a man is not marrying her, is what often causes women to get caught up in trying to turn these relationships into marriages.
Men Who Just Don’t Want To Get Married- There are some men who just have no intention of getting married. It’s easy to get caught up in the reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and to view them as barriers that can be overcome. If he has sworn off marriage because he went through an ugly divorce you may be tempted to prove that with you it can be different. If he thinks he is not the type of person who can be faithful, you may feel tempted to see the challenge as making sure that you prove to him that you can be exciting and desirable enough to make him never want to look at another woman again.
The problem is that not wanting to get married is about him, not about you. I’ve known women who date men who have told them for years that they never want to get married, yet they seem to think that if they wait it out he’ll change his mind. If a man tells you that he has no intention of getting married and backs that up by dating you for years without marrying, then take him at his word. He won’t be marrying you now matter how hard you try to change this.
Men Who Don’t Want to Marry a Particular Woman- This is a difficult scenario for a woman to accept. When a woman who has waited years for a proposal that never came watches that same man walk down the aisle with another woman, it’s hard not to have doubts about what was wrong with you and why he feels that this other women is so right for him. There are many reasons why a man may not want to marry a particular woman, and it doesn’t mean that anything was “wrong” with the first woman or that he didn’t love her enough to marry her.
It just means that the men weren’t sure that they were compatible enough for marriage. For example, I’ve known women who had careers that made their man think that work would keep them from being the kind of wife that they envisioned. On the flip side, I also knew a woman whose boyfriend felt that he could never be the dependable husband that she dreamed of having because he was a freelancer and never had a job with a steady paycheck. At the time, these women were heartbroken to see the men they had waited for walk down the aisle with someone else. It wasn’t until they met men that were compatible enough to marry that they realized that it truly wasn’t a strike against them that these other men had not wanted to marry them.
So there you have it, the two main reasons behind all the little reasons of why he won’t marry you. No matter which reason it is, the important thing is to move on from a relationship if you’ve reached the point where you want to marry him and he has shown that he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you love someone and thought that they were “the one,” but ultimately it is much better than getting married to the wrong person.
What do you think? Why would a man date a woman for years without marrying her even after she makes it clear how badly she wants to get married? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
P.S. For a humorous look at men who won’t tie the knot visit 25 Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You by Mike The Master Dater.
p.s. I feel ANGRY and sad more than anything else at this point. I don’t even want to speak to him.
Makes no sense
I’ve been with my guy for almost 14 yrs. He still hasn’t completed the divorce with his ex. The lawyer is takinghis sweet time, true, but whenever this man has money, it goes towards everything else. Shouldn’t he be saving for the day that a divorce lawyer finallly gives him the bill?
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
I think that a divorce dragging on is often used as an excuse for one of 3 reasons: 1. to cling to the past 2. to keep from having to commit again (especially if they are afraid that there will be pressure to marry their new love once that divorce is final) and 3. they aren’t happy with the divorce settlement that is being discussed and are trying for better terms.
No matter which reason is his, it’s time for you to really evaluate what all the waiting is doing to you. If you are feeling that unhappy, then it may be better to move on no matter how much it hurts.
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Hello. On the off chance you are replying to me… I am not opposed to women asking men for marriage. My point is that a marriage is not for one or the other to decide on. The whole point of it is that represents the couple, right?
I just think the couple should discuss marriage, regardless of if there is a formal proposal and regardless of who asks who.
My original point was that I find it irritating when women ask me to ask my partner to get married. Assuming I am just sitting idly by, not asserting myself into my own freakin’ life. It is not solely up to him – it is up to US.
Like he would be the only one to decide if we buy a house, have a kid, etc. Like all major transitions in couplehood – it should begin with a heart-to-heart talk.
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
Marriage is definitely a mutual decision, and I am always amazed by friends who just come out and say “when are you getting married?” because it is a personal question and it’s none of their business.
If both partners are happy with the status of the relationship, whether it is that marriage will never take place or that marriage will happen somewhere in the future, then I think that is fine. The big problem I see is when the relationship is at the point where one person (usually the woman in my experience) wants to be married and the other partner shows no interest. If it has gotten to the point where the woman in unhappy in the relationship because it hasn’t resulted in marriage yet, then I do think that this is a breaking point.
If both partners have different visions for where the relationship should be heading, then this is a dealbreaker. In this situation, I don’t think that it is realistic to think that the situation can be solved by the woman proposing, because the issue is both partners having different expectations about the relationship, not a mere matter of who will pop the question.
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well said, Advice Maven
well my husband and i did talk about, after our 3rd year of being together. we talked about when the right time would be for us, and when it was the right time, i prposed to him, 9 years later. and from where im from the woman asking is anything but old skool.
if you don’t want to ask, then that’s fine, but there’s nothing wrong with it either, anymore than its wrong for a guy to propose. but it bugs me when a person in a equal relationship wants something, but won’t come straight out and just ask.
I don’t think it is as simple as her asking him to marry her. This notion is a bit old school. In my case, we have talked about it and I am not a person who needs or wants to be swept off my feet in some BS fairy tale. We have been together 6 years. I feel blessed by this relationship: best friend, lover, emotional and mental companion. We have overcome the hard things in life with love and kindness, my mother’s death, unemployment, health issues, etc.
There is no “leave him” option. The notion that it is so black and white is very, well, 1950s. Marriage is important to me because it is ceremonial and brings the two families together. He is no opposed to marriage – he just refuses to think about it. He has it in the same box as things like owning a house (which we do), having kids (which we don’t plan on), having a dog (which we do), etc. Things that feel like limits on freedom. Freedom on the core level, not the freedom to date others.
Anyways. I am responding to the people advising that She should ask him to marry her. This is advice I have been given and it bugs me. Its 2010. A marriage should begin with a conversation between two people. Assuming people are not in discussion is narrow.
We will get married someday. But, it is a matter of helping him understand that nothing in our daily lives will change other than my self esteem – which will increase.
Maybe I’m just too forward but I still don’t get why the man has to do the asking. Ask him straightout, propose yourself and you’ll have your answer, done & dusted. Instead of waiting for him, and hinting at him & telling him he needs to be the one to do it.
We waited quite some time and I’m actually glad we did. But I guess I might be lucky enough to have a man that really understands gender equality. In fact we both hate the whole “guys need to act like this, girls need to act like that” drama.
But I still don’t think one shoe fits all. There was once a time when they said a guy would not marry you if you lived with him. Well I can tell you from the numerous weddings I’ve been going to for the last few years, that ain’t true. And some of them waited years like me. All the couples had lived with each other. But maybe its a generation/type of people thing too. I think the next upcoming ones will be married even less, not everyone is supposed to get married.
Well, what about a man who does not even want to take the step to live with you. I have been with him for three years and he just can’t fathom me moving my stuff in and disturbing his life. I go there for three or four days at a time and always give him the space he needs. He has only lived alone for 4 years after a long marriage so he shouldn’t be that stuck at living alone. He also does not know if he can ever marry me because he had a bad divorce.
I can top all of you being in a wait and see relationship for 24 years, good times, great sex but no respect; it has taken me this long to realize that love doesn’t hurt ; love cares what the other person’s needs are and tries to fulfill them; the plain truth is that this guy is a user out of our good nature; the worse of the worse because they know the feelings and hurt in someone and they continue to take, string along to fulfill their own needs; it isn’t about how much we love them; it is about how little that they love us; no one lets a person that they truly love be in pain , year after year; it is a defect in their make up and a defect in ours to stay and settle for less than we deserve; there is love after this and we have to learn to love ourself enough to stop this pain on our own behalf; mine has thrown me out like an old shoe over and over and I forgive him , not now ; I forgive myself for wasting time and need to move on to find someone who isn’t selfish and using; I can’t change him, I can only change me and that I am going to do; there is a saying that if you aren’t over him you are under him , exactly l see you and best of luck to my poor replacement.
You deserve a great life and a great love and being strung along isn’t it !
I love my boyfriend so much! We have been together for almost two years. In the very beginning he joked a lot about never getting married, and I was honest and told him we probably shouldn’t continue dating because I am looking to get married. At the time he said he just jokes around, and that he wouldn’t date someone he couldn’t see himslef marrying. We decided from the begining of the relationship to wait for sex, and our relationship grew closer and stronger because of our commitment to oneanother and our mutual faith. It seems that it does not bother him to wait for sex, we have both had sex before (he is 32, and I am 28), but for me it is getting unbearable. He says that he would never marry someone he had “sex” with, but waiting was my idea in the first place.
Lately every time I bring up marriage or a time line, he makes excuses. I know that if I laid down an ultimatum he would marry me tomorrow, but I think he should be desperate to have me as his wife, as I am deperate to have him as my husband. I have a 4 year old son who has grown very attached to him, and I am affraid that a break up would hurt him more than either of us. I have told him, that if he did not want to marry me we should break up now so it is not worse on our little man in the future. He acts like breaking up is not an option.
He thinks that “someday” we could be very good together. He says the little problems we have have already shown improvement, but I don’t think he should be waiting for things to change(he is OCD, and I am kinda messy, he is worried that living together would be constant stress for him, but this is just the most recent excuse, in the past it has been finances, security etc.). I want him to love me for all I am good and bad, just as I love him even when he does things that annoy me.
Please help with any suggestions. Am I asking for to much to soon? Am I just making myself crazy? He knows me better than anyone else, he should know by now whether or not he wants to marry me. I swear I am the point where I look at wedding dresses and engagement rings online like most guys look at PORN! HELP!
You are letting him make you crazy; a man in love doesn’t treat the woman that he loves like this; time is valuable and so is your love and affection; don’t sell yourself short; go for what you want in life and don’t let allow yourself to deprive yourself of what you need to be happy, it isn’t a man who can string you along; what man doesn’t want to have sex? If it sounds like something is rotten in denmark , it probably is; be strong and move on with your life; Mr. Right can’t find you when you are waiting for Mr. Wrong.
Additionally, your young son will grow up seeing how this man treats women, you; it is a bad example; if I have learned anything in life, you shouldn’t have to beg for attention, love and a committment ; he doesn’t want it and you do ; you can’t change a man, he can only change himself ; you can however change your actions and reactions ; key is to be secure with a man before involving children; your relationship is not secure; you want marriage and he doesn’t ; you want intimacy , sex and he doesn’t ; change isn’t easy but passing or wasting of time can’t be replaced; it is your life and sometimes we just have to accept that we fell in love with the wrong one and make the changes no matter how difficult; a man watching you suffer isn’t a man
I’m 33 and divorced for 2 years. Have 2 kids. I’ve met this guy pretty soon after getting divorced. We each have our own place, but yes, we do sleep together.
My questions is thus:
In this relationship, he is the one with the finances. So he “invest” more in that way.
I’m the one with the bigger sexual drive, so obviously, I gain from that.
We are together for almost 2 years now. He is talking about future, planning everything around my kids and I, but he just doesn’t pop the question! He promised for almost 6 months now, but still, nothing.
I’ve threatened to leave him, but he’ll just come back, crying and begging – and without the ring.
I feel he is wasting my time, but the emotional onslaught he gives me, is just sometimes too much to bear and I take him back. Yeah, I know I’m stupid.
Why does he want me, but he doesn’t want me???
The one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever got was from a relationship counselor who explained his theory of “emotional distance”.
Basically people have a certain “distance” they naturally keep others at. You can think of it as a literal space between you and him. If you’re too far away, he will have to pull you closer. But when you say “fine” and come in closer but get to close he has to push you away. Think of it as a balancing act. We all need the other person in that “sweet spot”.
We have problems often when one person needs a distance that is much closer or further than the other person finds comfortable.
And it sounds like that’s at least part of the the issue you’re facing.
You are used to being in a close committed relationship it seems like.
I noticed you’re committing to someone you met quite soon after your divorce. You were married, it didn’t work, you took a break, but now you’re ready to get back into that role. What was your friend doing before he met you? What does his *real* dating history say about him? Note, not the fake one we guys give to impress you
The little things he’s saying that you are catching on to and mentioned hints that he wants to let you know that he is available for *some* amount of commitment. But he may not be as emotionally available as you need. In other words, he doesn’t want you too far. Which you would be if you left him. But he can’t have you too close, which you would be if you two got married. His “sweet spot” may be a bit further from yours.
That *can* change in time. But as others have noted. Please do not count on that. It’s a probability thing. You gamble on that possible change, well you see the other stories posted here. Many of these people gambled on that probability and lost. Effectively, people don’t change. Maybe after a life threatening experience, but even then they often change right back
My advice. Pay attention!
That’s it. Pay close attention to your partner to see what exactly is holding him back. Is it fear or is it some sought of trauma. You don’t want to go against trauma so early, you will lose
… Badly… Before you give an ultimatum find out if you’re trying to squeeze blood out of stone. Is this guy even capable of the emotional intimacy you’re asking of him?
Whatever you do, also ask yourself the ‘bail out questions’. What would I do if I actually left? Who would I date? How would I manage? Who would I lean on? You don’t have to do a single thing, but always have that plan. Keep it in mind; Revise it, update it; Mentally act it out. Just by working these things out you’re better off.
Take care!!!
Thank you so much for your advise. Been looking for the clues. Here is what I’ve found:
He wants to move in with me. (I don’t want that) When he comes from work, he’ll come to me immediately and just be here all the time. He doesn’t want me to make decisions without him. He doesn’t like it when I’m going out with my girlfriends, but he won’t stop me and will even look after my kids. (He doesn’t go out himself and I’m not a party animal.) He’ll be kind of hurt when I’m not here when he came over, asking me where I’ve been. But he doesn’t have a problem with me going out with my friends when he is not here or at work.
Even when I’m being very unpleasant he’ll grin and bear it, coming right back. I find that he can’t make a decision and follow through with it. When there is a decision to me made, I must actually carry out the plans. He’ll make this nice promises about “I’ll build you this and fix that” but he never comes to actually doing it, and I must get someone to do it for me. He will pay for it, though, without complaining.
He wants me to find a ring for the engagement, saying that I know that it isn’t his strong point. I even had to find the name and number! of a jeweler for him. It is as he wants everything to be with as little work as possible. I once said to him that I would like my granny’s ring and he expected me to get it from my Mom! (She gave it to me, I must just get it from her and he knows that.)
He helps in the house. Cooking and cleaning, playing with my kids, helping me with work I brought home. It is as if it is contradicting with the above mentioned!
I am attractive. Men notice me. I do not flirt or anything. And I’m very involved with my kids, taking them almost everywhere.
What would this bundle of facts mean for me???
Thanking you so much!!!
Thank you
I will definitely do this. I am grateful for your advice
I have a friend who has been in a relationship for years with a guy who doesn’t want to get married. She has given up a future of a life partner, children, etc in the hopes that this man will change his mind.
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I’ve just left a 9 year going nowhere relationship. Fact of the matter, it’s my own fault. He said from the get-go he didn’t want to get married, and like a fool, I figure maybe if I take a chance and in a few years he’d change his mind. Trouble here is that he doesn’t want to marry me but he doesn’t want to let me go, either. I finally left him about a month ago and I discovered he’s been asking my friends and even contacted the pastor of the church I’m attending. He’s told them he’s not interested in marriage, but yet I’m supposed to go back for the same crap? I’m done. I wasted 9 years, and I don’t intend to waste any more time. From here on out I will ONLY date men who are interested in marriage. Better to be alone than feel lonely in a relationship that goes nowhwere
Hello I can totally relate. As I am typing this I am preparing to walk away from a 15 year relationship. I held on so long because I was comfortable and I really believed that something would come of all of this time. But I’m TIRED! I am so far from happy. It’s time to walk away. Good Luck! I’m sure you’ll find someone who is truly deserving of your love.
I just helped move my boy friend out after knowing him 2 years and living together 8 months. Same story of excuses for not marrying but the real line is they don’t love enough to committ. At 65 and 69 years it doesn’t make any difference than young people. It’s hard to decide to move on but after awhile there will be a new life again…and to forgive myself in the process. We were not on the same spiritual wave length and I thought he would see the “good” and change. Always remember you get what you see and it’s not our job to change people…we really can’t anyway…dah!!!
You are a wise woman! I have been dating someone for almost eight years. We see each other every weekend. We are both 56 years old, been divorced from our exes for years…he just doesn’t want what I want. I’m in a committed relationship…he’s not. My life is more complicated because I have an autistic 21 year old son. He sees my life as complicated. He has a quiet peaceful life, He’s content…I’m sure he would have a nice life without me. I just have to get the gumption to actually say chao! Thanks for the info.
You deserve better than what your getting. He’s not “bad” and neither are you. It’s seems true that he is in a comfortable place…who would want to change that? The right person would work out living with your autistic son…there are always problems to adjust to in any relationship. It hurt to walk away for me but my returning self esteem is already paying off…and he still asks me out. Now I have fun without denying what the relationship is and the doors are open for me. I wish you the best and offer support on any decision you make.
My boyfriend and I have been together 2 1/2 years. I am 26 and he is 28. I want to marry him and have told him numerous times and he always said we will someday and we have iron out all our little disagreements before we get married. I keep telling him everyone has little disagreements but it doesn’t seem to matter. We rarely ever fight on anything big and haven’t fought very much recently. We have been getting along great. He told me he is going to marry me this year. I said engaged or married and he said married. The year is half way over and I have not been proposed to. We just got back from an awesome vacation in Miami and I kept thinking he was going ask me and he never did. He has a huge hobby of photography and bought a $4000 camera last year which broke my heart that he would buy that and not a ring. He said it was his money and he can do what he wants and he would never tell me what to do with my money. Well I nboticed last week he had a new macro lens. He said his photographer friend is letting him use his old one. I felt suspicious of it and today I looked on the box and the ups label; was torn off and one piece remained…the date. It says it was shipped a few weeks ago. I looked it up online and it is around $1500-2000. He doesn’t have the finances to buy that and a ring. A few weeks ago I said you and I both know we aren’t getting married this year and he didn’t say a word. Every holiday, birthday and special occasion comes and goes and yet there is no ring. He is so sweet to me and the best man I ever been with. I love him and he says he loves me and will marry me. He always says I am pressuring him and that he knows tons of people that were together 4 or more years before getting married so why am I making such a big deal? All the people I grew up with have children already in Kindergarten and I don’t even have a ring! I need some advice because I am debating on leaving him because I want marriage and children and I have fertility issues and the doctor tells me every year I wait that my chances are getting much slimmer if any. I don’t want to wait and then he leaves me and I have to start from scratch when I am almost 30. Please tell me what you think.
Right now you are both at 2 different points in your lives. You’re ready to settle down, and he’s not. I know you’re upset about the money he spent, but the money is not really the issue. The issue is that how he is spending his money is showing where his priorities lie.
I’ve seen many women your age stay in relationships until their mid thirties until they finally get the nerve to leave. They feel that they wasted much of their youth and their prime child bearing years on these men. I wouldn’t want you to do anything rash because you feel that time is running out to have kids, but it sounds like it goes beyond this because he sounds like the type of guy who could go for many years without feeling the need to settle down.
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I am in the EXACT same spot with my boyfriend of five years. Our five year anniversary went by in April and no ring. He spent $7000 last year getting a pilots licence and can’t find the money for a ring? He has also said that he wants to marry me, but where’s that commitment? The Editor who also commented is right…the money isn’t the issue. It is where his priorities are.
I am moving out in three weeks and am not 100% sure I am doing the right thing, but I don’t have a choice. I want to get married and have a family in the next few years. My friends are all married and have babies too. It aches that I am not there in my life because I am SO ready for it. I need to do what is best and fair to me. I will not let someone else determine my life for me. I need to follow my dreams. I wish it involved him, but we’ve reached the point where it cannot. I’m know you’re concerned about being 30 and starting from scratch. I’m almost 29 and terrified I’ll be 30 and alone. But that is better than still being here waiting. You WILL find love.
I wish you luck!
Well, i have lived with my boyfriend two years..and he still sways on the marriage piece.. but i think.. do i hurt myself and say i’m not compromising.. or do i stay with him and let him hurt me by not marrying me. He says there’s no difference in what we are now .. and with a piece of paper.. even had me buy wedding rings.. only to want to wear them so everybody thinks we are married… he calls me his wife and everybody we meet thinks we are.. but i just dont’ understand.. he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. but to him a piece of paper is just that… advise?
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
The “piece of paper” argument is such a common excuse. It is obviously much more than a piece of paper to you, so I think that this is enough to poke holes in his argument right there. Taking marriage vows in front of your friends and family declares your intention to spend the rest of your life together in front of those who mean the most to you. It also joins you spiritually or religiously depending on your beliefs, as well as legally, which is important even though it sounds so boring and practical. Of course, marriage is also important if you want children at some point. There is no better foundation for raising a child than to start by being married.
I would not compromise. The hurt of leaving a man who doesn’t want the same things out of life that you do will eventually fade with time. The hurt from staying with this type of person will be ongoing.
Men are satanic, they only want sex and sex and to hurt a woman.They never feel love.
What advice would you give a girlfriend who wanted to marry a man who didn’t seem to want to marry her? DUMP HIM AND MOVE ON! It’s fine when two people BOTH agree that marriage isn’t for them. But, when one wants it and the other doesn’t, that’s a pretty big difference. It’s like one wants kids and the other doesn’t. There are a few things that aren’t negotiable. It’s not the same as trying to decide on a color to paint the living room. Geez! Women who choose to live with a man for years, split the rent, and watch their lives continue to pass them by while wishing for the committment they desire, are nothing more than roommates with benefits. Women my age (almost 50 years old) look at all the young women who seem to build their lives around a man, who have no interests independent of a man, who thumb through bride magazines after 3 or 4 years of living with a man, or who have brought up the subject of marriage only to be shot down and then choose to stay anyway…you’ve already set the bar, and the bar is low!
Put on your big girl panties and make plans to move on. The only thing holding you back is the belief that you don’t deserve any more than what you have. Ask yourself if it’s because you have nowhere else to go, no one else to room with, or some other lame excuse for hanging on to someone who doesn’t want what you want and never will. Life is too short.
[...] know I’m not the first woman (or, in some cases, man) to experience the Waiting Game. In fact, the website LuvemOrLeaveem.com practically builds its viewership on this one dilemma (see Mike the Master Dater‘s funny [...]
If two people are in love and enjoying life the way they are, why get married? Why can’t a woman or a man just be happy being in love? Some of the advice here is questionable. Telling people to move on if their boyfriend or girlfriend won’t marry them is ridiculous if the two of them are in love. For some people it takes time to be ready for marriage. How much time? That is up to the individual. If two people are truly in love, they will wait for one another to be ready.
I understand your first part but, If you have lived together for 4 1/2 years, what else are you waiting for. What exactly is one not ready for?
This isn’t about thos who are happily unmarried. This is about what happens when one wants marriage and the other does not. At that point, you’ve reached an impass…and the one who wants marriages gets tired of pretending everything is ok, and that it “doesn’t matter.” Why should they keep lying to themselves and wasting their lives away being miserable while the other gets what they want and not having to make any effort whatsoever. That’s not fair.
I am in a situation where I need to decide if I want to break up with him or not. I am from Turkey and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I finished my school in Turkey and I have been with him on my tourist visa for approximately a year. My question to him was “if I cannot get my student visa to the US, what are we going to do?”, his answer is “You can live in Turkey for a while or you can live here on your tourist visa”. When I asked him why, he said that he is not sure about the relationship and our relationship is not stable. My question is, if you love a person and still want to be with that person no matter how much you fight, do you answer a girl like this? And what should I do in this situation?
There is a reason why you dated three women and will likely date many more. Because you don’t want to get married. And don’t be so overly confident about not having trouble attracting women, they are attracted to your paycheck.
Yup, ladies, I am “One of those men” who has decided not to marry. I was married, have twin sons who I am very close to, and have had custody of. I am a physician, well respected in my community and have even thought about starting a new family with children, but without the legalities of State sanctioned marriage.
My reasoning for not marrying is rather straight forward. I do not want to mate the State. State sanctioned marriage does just that. You are voluntarily subjecting yourself to the whim of the State Legislature. I do not want a bunch of half witted lawyers from my State capital deciding the fate of my children, my property and my person. Marriage has essentially become a State sanctioned license to steal.
With that said I have no problem attracting women, I am 49 and am presently dating a 30 year old who does not want to get married either. Prior to that I dated a 35 year old who had no interest in marriage and a 51 year old who did want to marry, and that essentially was the end of that.
Everyone’s comments have been helpful, I have almost been with my guy for 7 years, we just had a serious discussion about marriage. He was fine with the idea 2 years ago (he is 5 years younger than I am so I didn’t want him to rush into anything) and now he is suddenly against marriage. He said he will do it to make me happy, but I don’t want him to do it to make me happy, I want him to want to marry me. I am thinking of going to see a therapist with him, if he won’t marry me we will have to break up.
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
Mandy,
Marriage is definitely something that needs to happen because you want it, not because you want to make someone else happy. I think that it’s common for men to feel fine about marriage when the timeline is “somewhere in the future” but once it gets closer they’re not sure if they really want to make this a reality. Whether you decide to see a therapist or not, I would say don’t marry him unless he is genuinely excited about marrying you. If he can’t get to that point, then he’s not the one for you and you need to find someone else who will feel that way. Best of luck.
im in the same situation
been together on and off for 10 years living together properly for 5 have 2 kids, 5 years ago he wanted to elope (never happened) we aggred to get married 18 months ago nothing has been mentioned since no proposal no ring no date nothing, now im feeling pissed off and brought it up he said i just thought we were gonna do it didnt think of a ring, i now feel its to late, cos i want him to want to, would counsiling help because i feel he has now ruined it and i couldnt marry him anyway, so do i need to accept that or move on.
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
On and off for 10 years is a long time and that usually means that there is some issue under the surface that has kept this from happening. I think that counseling would mostly help you as an individual to understand what you most need and want out of a relationship and how to get that. As far as couple’s counseling, I’m not sure tha tthis would be much help at this point.
Tina T´s last blog ..Types of Women That Men Should Avoid – Video
Hi all
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now, 5 of which have been living together. I moved continents and left family and friends behind to start a life with him. We are both financially secure and in our late 30s. I want marraige and think I will regret not having a family, but he says he needs time to think about it. He says he doesn’t want to lose me and is committed. Not sure how much longer I should give him.
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
I have to say that he has had more than enough time. You’ve lived together, moved for him and the time for thinking is over. He needs to commit now, especially if you feel that you will regret not having a family. If he can’t marry you now, then it’s time for you to move on. It’s very easy to end up waiting only to realize that you’ve waited so long that it is too late to start a family.
Thanks. It’s hard to leave when I love him so much but I know it’s what I have to do.
My boyfriend of 2 years and living together took a job out of state. We haven’t seen each other for 2 months. After talking about marriage a few months ago I decided to give him an ultimatum. Marry me or I’m not moving there with him. Is this the right thing to do? Kinda late now… But would like some feedback.
[...] delving into the two main reasons why some men date women for years but refuse to marry them, I was bombarded by emails from women asking “how do I know if he’s just a [...]
Twitter: AlisonMSmith
says:
(1) Because he gets what he wants from the relationship without having to commit to her.
(2) He doesn’t care that she’s not getting what she wants from the relationship.
(3) She continues to put up (and put out) with a guy who has no intention of getting married
(4) She fantasizes that he will change some day if she just ___________.
Alison Moore Smith´s last blog ..Best Toys: 60 Educational Family Games
There are men that get hurt in the past and are afraid that they will get hurt once again.
or
Some men are dogs and just want to have fun with women.
or
They are afraid to step into a marriage because they are not men that won’t own up to their responsibility and be a man, marriage is bless and the bed is undefiled. So if you have a super woman and she is 75% then she is a woman that you need to hold onto, you will look for another 25% that will equal 100%, who will you choose 75% or 25%????
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
I am clueless as to why some men don’t marry the women. From my personal experience, I wouldn’t be dating a woman if I didn’t see her as a potential girl to get marry with. The only reason why I would be pushing off the marriage is because I will want to be financially stable first and to be able to provide for a family before settling down.
BK´s last blog ..How Do I Love Thee?
It’s sad with two people in a relationship don’t share the same beliefs and values.
I would ask the reason’s why a Man wouldn’t want to marry his girlfriend. I would question his loyalty but I’m sure he has his version as well.
Twitter: GiftNoodle
says:
Wow, this is something that is indeed painful. Another side of this is the fellow who proposes to more than one at the same time. Says on the phone “I love you, I will see you tomorrow morning” and the next day takes off with his new finance, just a couple of weeks before your wedding. And the kicker … after she marries someone else instead of him he wants to carry on with the first as if nothing ever happened. Can’t believe the nerve.
branden´s last blog ..A Pink Wedding Dress?
I wish my first two hadn’t wanted to get married, that little piece of paper certainly makes it difficult to get away from jerks that think they own you. Good thought provoking post as usual, have a great weekend.
Jude´s last blog ..Nice Things Happen When I Least Expect Them
I have a friend who has been in a relationship for years with a guy who doesn’t want to get married. She has given up a future of a life partner, children, etc in the hopes that this man will change his mind.
Also to consider is why he should buy the cow when he gets the milk for free. Too many women give everything they have to a man right away. Men often think of them as clingy and dependent and don’t want to be a father to them. They will take the sex but when it comes time to get married they want a woman they respect. I don’t mean sexually but for a woman to stand up for herself and leave the guy if he isn’t giving her what she wants.
Jen´s last blog ..US Bank
Are you saying it’s always the woman’s fault?
Hi Tina,
Good post—read Mike’s as well and it’s funny how this is such a hot topic now. (Gottlieb’s book “Settling for Mr. Right” is inspiration for blog posts, too…)
Anyway, I was wondering if you had any clips/ posts from your speed dating event…how did it go?
It’s always so sad to witness this situation.
I guess the bottom line is I would want to marry somebody who wanted to marry me. I don’t want to have to twist somebody’s arm.
K´s last blog ..Miss Education
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Hi Tina,
interesting point, I guess you hit the nail on its head with your categories, some men are just not cut out for married life, some are with a girl they are not willing to commit to, in the hope that he will meet someone that he can commit to. And then there are some who just never grow up, and will always long for nights of drinking and fornicating, always wondering what the next girl will be like.
Thanks for leaving a thought on my last post, great to hear from you!
Colin.
sexy legs and body´s last blog ..SOME MORE READERS LEGS.
I agree with you Tina. Another point to keep in mind. Guys are no different than women in the sense that they have a pretty good idea a woman may be “the one” after the first few months.
If it’s been 3 years and the guy hasn’t married a woman it’s time to move on. Maybe even after two years, unless the couple is really young.
On another note: You’re the only person from EC i still keep in touch with. So it’s easy!
[...] My friend Tina wrote a post about this the same day! Actually, she might have given me the idea to write it. =) Go visit her post on Why he wont marry me. [...]
Twitter: masterdater
says:
Funny we wrote about the same thing today!
I would defiantly be in the first category. However, I do think I could be swayed by an exceptional girl.
I really loved my ex even though I was not into marriage. Location eventually killed our relationship but she could have pushed me over the edge!