When it comes to women and dating, there’s been a phenomenon called “The Rules” which emerged from the book: The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. The original Rules book has been published in 27 languages and has spun off editions covering online dating and marriage, but what really keeps its authors in the spotlight is the controversy that The Rules have created among women. Women who are proponents of The Rules believe that they give women control over their dating lives, while opponents believe that they encourage women to be deceitful as long as the end result is snagging a husband.
Many women agree with much of what is stated in The Rules when it comes to the early stages of relationships. They encourage women to not be too eager with a man, which includes calling him too often, being too available too often when he wants to make a date with her, and of course not sleeping together too soon. Even though this may seem like a bit of game playing, the early stages of dating are often like playing a game until the guy has proven that he is a decent guy who is genuinely interested in finding a partner and not just a guy out for a conquest.
The rules seem to annoy women a lot more when they venture into how to behave once the relationship becomes serious and they send some women into a frenzy of outrage when they start advising women on how to turn that relationship into a marriage proposal. Some of the basics during this stage of the rules are:
- A Woman should not see a man more than 3 times per week even if she is at the point where her feelings for him make her want to see him more often.
- If you’ve been dating for more than a year and haven’t received a proposal, see less of him and think about dating others. Which ties into the next rule which is possibly their biggest rule–
- Rules women do not date men for more than two years
So how is it that some women find these rules empowering, while women like Kelly at Notes from the Dating Trenches, find them offensive? One of Kelly’s big issue with the rules is that as she states “they are based on not communicating with actual words.” I agree that the act of being “deliberately unavailable” when a man is late calling you back rather than asking him where the heck he was is rather passive aggressive, yet I also think that many men often respond better to such actions rather than to words.
In defense of women like Kelly who feel offended by the rules, there are some statements from The Rules authors that do demean women. For example, one of their rules states that women should Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Now this may sound like a great idea, because every woman wants to stand out as an individual unlike any other. The problem is their recommendations for how to be such a creature, which they describe as: “…It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare)…”
I have to admit, this part crossed the line for me. I have a good friend who is somewhat of a “babbler,” which is part of what makes her endearing to those who love her. Does this turn off 95% of the men she meets? Yes, it certainly seems to, but let’s remember that marriage is a partnership of equals. I would say it is better for her to be herself and hold out for that guy who falls into the 5% of men that appreciate this quality, rather than change herself to attract that 95% who don’t like that quality. Marrying a man in that category will either mean that she will need to continue to pretend indefinitely, or that the man is in for a rude awakening when he discovers that she is not the “demure” woman that he thought she was.
So what about all those women who defend the rules. Well surprisingly, one blogger who defends them is Christan, no-nonsense blogger over at Moxie in the City, who I would have guessed would hate the rules because they do seem to imply that every woman’s ultimate goal is marriage. Christan’s defense of the rules stems from the simple fact that looking at the lives of her happily married friends leads her to conclude that the rules work. I have to agree with her on the fact that the happily married women that I know, including myself, were not the type of women to let the man take the entire lead in where the relationship was going.
So, back to the original question–Do The Rules empower or demean women? I think that much of it goes back to the role of women. If a woman is truly independent and has a professional and social life that extends beyond the man in her life, then these rules can be empowering. She shouldn’t let the man set the tone of the relationship to where he can see her all the time and date her for years without proposing IF her goal is marriage. On the other hand, if a woman is miserable during the days when she is not out with her man, then altering her behavior in order to “follow the rules” is of no benefit. The woman is not being true to herself, and if the relationship turns into marriage because she appeared to be more independent than she was, then this marriage is headed for disaster.
So, what do you think of the rules? Do they encourage women to assert themselves? Or do they encourage women to be manipulative? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Yeah I could not agree more with that no rules would keep me in a box or somewhat I’ll do what I want and what I feel to do.
Trina Colon @ homes foreclosed las vegas´s last blog ..Las Vegas- Rehab Heaven-
I’ve never read The Rules, but I can see why they would piss a lot of women off! I agree with Michelle-why can’t we just do what feels right?
At the same time, if you’re a woman who has had failed after failed relationship, it might be time to take a look at what is happening. I know for me, I had to learn not to wear my heart on my sleeve from day one. I was myself, but I stopped throwing myself at men. I gained respect for myself, and let men get to know me. And when the right guy came along, I was able to slowly show him every bit of who I am, and he loves me for it. We didn’t play games, but we didn’t dive head first into things either.
Date Girl´s last blog ..A Little Update
Stopping to see how it’s going Tina, hope all is well. I’m sure you’re not missing doing those drops:).
Jude´s last blog ..Hospital Security For Babies
My daughter says I suffer from the defiance syndrome I think she’s right therefore, I make my own rules…
hugs..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..John Edwards is such a disappointment
Rules? I hate rules because it seems all these unwritten and even the written ones are a bunch of poo because who actually follows them? What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.
On another note I am really sorry to see you are leaving Entrecard, but thanks for the EC’s and I have also added you to my blogroll so I don’t lose track of you.
Jude´s last blog ..Health Insurance/Eye Surgery/Motorcycles
I should start by saying I have never read The Rules so my opinion is based upon what I have heard. I think advice for marriage-minded women is fine. I also think most of the advice in the books sounds helpful (one of the things I liked about my husband was that he called when he said he would). It sounds like people are offended by the idea that relationships should be based upon artifice.
As with all self-help arenas, people SELF select to read those books already jive with the message or they wouldn’t buy them. There’s a market for anxious single women looking for a reason to explain their singleness. Some people need rules. But betcha a million those are NOT the people reading that book!
All “rules” such as “You should” are meant to provide a structure. Many of them ring true, like “you shouldn’t sleep with some one on the first date if you want a relationship” but like all of life, love can not be ruled.
Pascal said
The heart has reasons which reason knows nothing of
Christan’s defense of the rules stems from the simple fact that looking at the lives of her happily married friends leads her to conclude that the rules work.
My defense of “The Rules” stems from believing in the underlying principle of the book. To say my argument was based on the fact that The Rules worked for my friends really over-simplifies the whole point.
My argument was two fold. One, why not look at the basic principle of The Rules – have a life, know what you want, set appropriate boundaries, value yourself and don’t make a man the center of your world – and try to apply them to your life. Why do so many women try to vilify this book but were over the moon with He’s Just Not That Into You? They’re basically saying the same thing: Stop chasing men who don’t want you. Show some self-respect. Get a life. And above all..STOP LYING TO YOURSELF. It’s ok to want to get married. It doesn’t make you weak or pathetic.
I feel like the people who trash this book focus heavily on the idea that there are “rules” to follow. But these tips are the same ones we’d receive from our friends and give back to them. A guy calls you last minute for a date? You say no. A guy tells you he’ll call you on Tuesday night and doesn’t get around to it until Thursday? You’re not available. And if he really likes you, you can be sure he’s going to step up his game. To me, that’s a lot smarter than having some sit down with him and scolding him about following through on his promises. Now, if it’s a chronic problem then of course you speak up. But then, if it’s a chronic problem.,..why are you with him in the first place?
think the problem so many women have is with the title and the idea of there being “rules” to “getting” a man and not the themes or advice itself.
But keep something else in mind…this book is for women who are marriage minded. If that’s not you, then what’s the problem? Is it that this books conveys some message that all women want is to get married?
Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I am not sure if I feel the rules are demeaning to a woman, but I don’t necessarily agree with them. I think that no matter what you need to be who you are, and like you stated at one point if you show to be a more independent woman when in reality you are not, then the man you are dating will eventually see your true self come out and the once independent type woman he fell in love with will no longer be there, which could potentially ruin the relationship.
I am a firm believer in being yourself, although sometimes it’s hard because we naturally seem to be a slightly more positive person when we first meet someone rather than ourselves from day 1. This may not hold true for all but it certainly is true for many.
So I think the rules work for some but not for all, and I don’t think it would catch all woman’s perfect match.
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Throw the rule book out the window, no relationship can work by following certain rules. (what if something comes up that is not in the rule book?) Both partners have equal rights, and every relationship should be treated that way.
Colin.
sexy legs and body´s last blog ..GIVEAWAY: LOVELY NECKLACE BY JEWELER IN PITTSBURGH.
Both people should be involved in the direction of a relationship and how it unfolds.
Following a set of rules to manipulate how things go is ridiculous. If it works it works. If it doesn’t it doesn’t.
The biggest mistake people make is choosing the wrong person. Start there and end there, but don’t follow rules to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. The relationship will fall apart sooner or later.
Guys aren’t that predictable. From my experience, if a guy likes a woman, he doesn’t play games.
When it comes to romance, structure should go out the window. Spontaneity is so much better. These rules somehow seem too much like chess. And if the relationship should advance to marriage, who wants to constantly anticipate the next move? It just seems unnatural to me.
askcherlock´s last blog ..The Turmoil of Finding Inner Peace
I think the problem with the rules is that they lay out a system to “catch” a man. The advice isn’t bad but it doesn’t get at the underlying concept.
For example. I agree that it is better to not see someone more than 3 times a week. I would say this is good for both genders. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and you don’t want to be too available. Plus, everyone needs time for themselves.
But to use that as a tactic to make a man “want” you more?
Ugh. I would rather just be so busy enjoying my life that I don’t notice that its been 3 days since I last saw my fellow.
The most important thing is to not sit around waiting for the phone to ring. So if he is late calling you, well, you’ve already got plans — you don’t have to lie about it!
Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. If you’re a hot commodity, you’re out in the world doing your thing and not waiting around to be some fellow’s bitch.
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
The rules are neutral to me or rather I didn’t even know someone wrote such rules for women. I have often heard the need for women to hold their horses and not take too much initiative but I guess I don’t really support such a rule. Perhaps, my thinkings are more radical, I believe in being oneself, whether one is a woman or man. If the other person doesn’t like it, it is the other person’s problem. I will very much like to focus on a person’s characters.
BK´s last blog ..Achieving Greatness is for You and I
The rules don’t offend me, demean me, or empower me at all.
I just think they are stupid. Why are their rules? Why can’t we just do what feels right in our hearts? that’s what I do. To me it just seems easier to go with your gut then follow some rule book somebody wrote.