In a previous post I examined some common excuses for cheating that men tend to use when defending their actions to the woman in their life. I promised to do some digging into why women cheat after many readers pointed out that women cheat too. Although I truly was aware that women also cheat, I have to admit that when you say adultery I generally think of men.
I received a comment from physician and dating blogger, Bina Patel, who explained that in her practice it seemed that women cheated at least as much as men. This was a surprise to me, so I set out to find some answers about women and cheating. I found many statistics that showed rates of cheating among married women and men each coming within a few points of the 50% mark, but these were not scientific studies, so I decided to focus on finding women who were willing to tell me why they cheated. It has been a long process, but I finally received enough replies to spot some patterns in their replies and share the following results:
Not Satisfied With Marriage was top excuse- Now you’re probably thinking that this one is ridiculously obvious because if you’re cheating you’re not satisfied with your marriage. Keep in mind though, that many of the men said that they were perfectly happy with their marriage but they found themselves in a situation where they were overcome by chemistry and “it just happened.” This is not to say that there were not women who cheated purely out of lust, but they certainly were not ready to admit this to us. In fact, this brings us to the next big difference between the answers from men and women.
More Complicated Answers- I read somewhere that in most situations women use 40% more words than men, and the answers that I received about cheating were no exception. I didn’t get one instance of the old standbys like “it just happened.” The women who replied seemed very concerned about stating their case and giving background information. The women didn’t just tell us that they were dissatisfied with their marriage, they also made a point of letting us know that they had been unhappy for a long time before their affair. It seemed important to them to state that this wasn’t just some fling and that they were searching for someone who could provide them with something that they felt was missing emotionally in their marriage.
More Likely to Leave for Their Lover?- I put a question mark here because this was not a scientific study. It could just as easily be that women who married their lovers were more likely to respond, but nearly half of the women that replied left their husbands. From what I’ve found on my site and around the web, it does seem that cheating men were more likely to beg to be taken back while women were more likely to stay with their lover. What I found most troubling about this is that there were quite a few women that seemed to feel that if they went on to marry their lover that this somehow justified the cheating. There was even one woman who replied that she had cheated on her husband years ago but that she wasn’t really sure if that counted because she has been married for many years to her former lover. I’m sure that her first husband thinks that it counts, and I do too.
Based on the replies that I received from these women, I sensed that they felt a strong desire to plead the case that they had a “good reason” for cheating. They wanted to create the impression that cheating was more justified if it stemmed from a long term unhappiness rather than a spur of the moment whim, or if it was done out of love rather than lust. The problem is that when it comes to explaining why you were late for work or why you were speeding there are “good” and “bad” excuses, but when it comes to cheating there is no such thing as a “good excuse.”
Despite the difference in excuses between men and women, my conclusion is the same as it was for the men–Cheating occurs because of selfishness. A marriage may not be working for a variety of reasons, but it is time to decide if things are bad enough to end that relationship before getting involved with someone else, not afterward.
So what do you think? Do the different excuses that men and women give for cheating make any difference or are they both just as guilty? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
Some of them look for excitement, some of them look for a better partner but all it says to me is that they are in a relationship with a partner they should not have been in the first place
I don’t think there is a justification for cheating, I think it is wrong no matter man or woman. I do think that it is probably easier to cheat, especially for someone who doesn’t want to be alone. Cheating gives one a chance to try out a new relationship while still maintaining the old.
Twitter: razzorfish
says:
Of course both sexes are equally guilty whatever excuse they have come up with for cheating.
My wife cheated on me more than ten years ago. I won’t go into the whole story here but the bottom line was, she was under a lot of pressure at work and raising a family. I did not provide the support she needed and I had plenty of signals that she was struggling.
Feeling alone and under a lot of pressure.She embarked on an affair,when someone paid her a lot of attention.
I know, you would think an affair brings it’s own problems and pressure!
I wanted her back and tried hard to change,and she did come back to me. it was though, difficult for both of us for a long time.
Our relationship did survive and today we are closer than ever before.
For those of you who are judgmental, and possibly perfect in every way,I say everybody makes mistakes,and everybody deserves a second chance.
Realizing i was certainly not perfect, i forgave her. And that was one of the best decisions i have ever made!
Ray´s last blog ..Cognitive Behavioral Therapy And Relationships
Cheating is wrong,it does not matter if you are male or female,it’s wrong.
All the excuses in the world won’t make up for the negative effect it has on there relationship,the trust will never be the same.
Infidelity Expert´s last blog ..Signs Of Lying – Catch A Cheating Spouse
Nice post Tina!
No matter how you slice it, cheating is wrong, and somewhat cowardly.
But trying to rationalize it, is way worse than begging for forgiveness.
Some couples are able to survive an affair, but healing only begins when the cheater comes clean and says they are sorry.
Having said that, I doubt I would ever be able to trust my partner if they had an affair.
There is a huge breakdown in values and partly because the law has shown us so many variations of what is a truth or crime thus there is little concern with two values my mom taught us fear of God and guilt which without these virtues we can do anything we think feels right.
End of conversation and no need to belabor the results we see them everywhere our dear Tiger the more recent casualty.
Great post, and good thoughts and ideas..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..Stress relief for the holidays is not that hard to achieve
I have to tell you that first off, I missed reading all my blogs! Including yours. But this post comes at an interesting time, since I was just talking to someone about this. I saw a friend of my brother-in-law’s over the holiday weekend, and he is in the process of getting a divorce. His wife didn’t cheat on him, but she confessed she was still in love with her previous boyfriend. Anyway, it got me into a discussion with friends and with A.P. about cheating and ultimately how we live in a society now where people just are used to getting what they want all the time. I think that is part of the whole cheating thing too. People have no self-restraint anymore. If they see someone they want to sleep with, and their relationships aren’t 100% perfect at the time, they will cheat. Anyway, that’s my take on it. It was interesting to read why people cheat.
Marty J.´s last blog ..Oh, Lord!
Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I think cheating is cheating and if it happens it means something was lost in your relationship, I don’t feel any excuse is good enough but if it happens and two people are willing to seek help in finding what was missing and lost then truly work on it – then yes they can get past it.
I find it funny the differences between men and woman for excuses anyways tho!
Brandy´s last blog ..Being Silly Makes Kids Happy
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Tina, as always, a commendable piece of work! I have to, just for the sake of those who say cheat is cheat, say, if you cheat in your mind, like fantasize about another person, or what ever in that direction, that is cheating also. The Bible tells us, you sin in your thoughts also, so cheating is a sin. Now who can honestly say they have never fantasized about someone else. Can you?? not even about a celeb? If not, well then you are free to throw the first stone…
But bottom line is, I believe you get different types of cheaters, be those male or female. Some do it to add up a score of “victims” and other do it coz they are not happy in their marriage. The first type I have no sympathy for , the second I have a kind of softer feeling for, although it remains the wrong thing to do, especially when there are kids involved.
Tina, thanks also for leaving such a fabulous comment on my last post, I wholeheartedly agree with you on that comment, a lady just, and only, look properly dressed up when wearing heels. I have a confession to make, if my wife were taller than me in heels, (fortunately she is not, but in really high heels she gets close to being as tall) I would still want her to wear her heels, I love her wearing heels, and I honestly do not mind when guys, and girls for that matter, steal a second glance when they walk past, and that happens a hell of a lot.
Sorry for, hogging your space here, but I get carried away sometimes. Thanks again for your lovely comment on my post.
Colin.
sexy legs and body´s last blog ..SEXY LEGS ? WHEN? WHY?
To use a line from an old film entitled “Diner,” What is more important, sex or rationalization?” The answer was rationalization. “Did you ever try to get through a day without one?” We can rationalize anything, but good character, regardless of gender, does not permit cheating. Even the Bible says that it is grounds for divorce. So sayeth Cherlock too!
askcherlock´s last blog ..Huckabee: Separating Church and State
Regardless of circumstances or reasons for doing it cheating is cheating, both male and female take a vow and if it doesn’t work out and you can’t save it then divorce before looking for someone else. Just my opinion.
Jude´s last blog ..Waitressing Memories
“end that relationship before getting involved with someone else, not afterward”
nothing more need be said. I feel very strongly about cheating. there is NEVER a good excuse.
xxoo
I am going to offer a different perspective. Yes, I agree that cheating is somewhat selfish, and not the smartest thing to do in a marriage. But I also think there are a lot of nuances involved. I think your interviews with women were fascinating, Tina, as it reveals what I have suspected with talking with cheating men and women myself–men cheat to obtain a physical connection, and women cheat to obtain an emotional connection. Perhaps this is the reason some of these women go on to marry (and feel justified in cheating therefore) their lover. Although I have also known quite a few men who have cheated then married their lover.
Back to my original point–a lot of time exiting a marriage is very complicated. it holds a lot of financial, family, social and– in the case of the patients I work with who tend to be low income Spanish-speaking–immigration concerns. Some of the women in my practice who cheat have tried to discuss these concerns with their spouses, but it appears that they are not successful, and often overtaken with the machismo in the Latino culture. Therefore, to feel satisfied emotionally (or sometimes physically), they cheat. They have no easy out, so feel that the best way to empower themselves is allow themselves the kind of connection that is refused by their spouses.
Hence the nuances…
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
I am with PJ on this; I think cheating is cheating, no matter what the excuses are. If they are unhappy with the current relationships, either they do something to make the relationships better or they might as well get out of them. I don’t think it can ever be justified for cheating.
BK´s last blog ..Rewriting Life with Different Choices
i believe that cheating is cheating, period. i don’t think there is any good excuse. if you are dissatisfied in your relationship and feel the need to be with someone else then you need to get out of your current one. at least give your partner that much respect. i don’t believe that things just happen. we all have choices and it is a choice to cheat. that’s my opinion.
have a great day!
PJ´s last blog ..Comparison