Recently, numerous articles have been surfacing stating that the romance goes out of a relationship once a couple has children. Many of these articles claim to based on the report Life Without Children which was produced by the National Marriage Project. While the report mainly concludes that couples are not as likely to feel that having children is essential to a happy marriage, the articles that reference this report often manipulate its conclusions to try to prove that couples are not as happy after they have children.
I felt that it was time to address this topic as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving here in the United States. During this time we tend to reflect on the things that we are most thankful for in life, especially our families. For those of us that have children, our children are usually the top of this list. Of course our children are not a source of joy during every moment of every day, but to imply that couples were happier before they had children is troubling to me. I have listed the reasons why I feel that these articles claiming that couples are less happy after having children are totally misguided in making this conclusion.
Happiness is More Than Romance- If you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, you’ve probably discovered that romance comes in cycles. Being treated to gifts of flowers and candlelit dinners tends to decrease in frequency after the initial “courting” stage, and over time these romantic gestures tend to be reserved for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Now I do agree that after children the amount of “romance” in a relationship does decrease for quite awhile. When you’re spending most of your time and energy caring for small children, there’s not much left over to devote to romance.
Despite less time for traditional romance, I don’t believe that happiness in a relationship decreases every time romance decreases. I think that many of the romantic gestures from the pre-children stage of our relationship are replaced with acts of love from our partner that are more lasting than fleeting romantic gestures. For example, any woman who has heard her husband proclaim “I’ll get the baby” when they are abruptly awoken by crying in the middle of the night knows that no amount of candlelit dinners and flowers can replace the surge of love that she feels for him at that time. I also think that even the toughest of men can have their hearts melt as they watch their wife undergo the pain of child birth to bring the baby that is a part of both of them into the world.
Children Reveal Us for What We Are- It has been said that marriage reveals a person for who they really are and that children reveal a marriage for what it really is. Whether it is surviving sleep deprived nights, a toddler who has mastered “no,” or a teen who is trying to rebel, much of our “true self” is revealed during the challenges of raising kids. Some of us are ready to be seen by our partner at both our best and our worst, but many are not. I have heard people say that they could not imagine loving their partner more than they already did until they saw how loving they were with their child. Unfortunately, I have also heard people say that they never really knew their partner until they were raising a child together and they discovered things about their partner, especially in the areas of morality and religion, that they didn’t like and didn’t want to see passed on to their child.
Happiness Lost or Hoping for Happiness- I don’t usually feel the need to question whether someone is truly happy or not, but I can’t help but question whether or not a couple was really happy if they say that their happiness declined after having a child. I’ve heard couples say that they hoped that a child would fill a void in their marriage, and then complain that having a child was not at all the way they thought it would be. If you are counting on happiness being given to you by someone else, whether it is a spouse or a child, then you are destined to be disappointed when that happiness is not provided to you. Happiness can be enhanced by those who touch our lives, but it cannot be given to us by anyone but ourselves.
So yes, having a child is a lot of work and it certainly can cause strain on a couple and even change their notion of romance. I don’t believe for a minute though, that a little less romance equals less happiness when the decline in romance is due to the duties of parenting rather than just choosing to neglect devoting any time to romance. I also think that much of the decline in romance happens early in the child rearing process and that over time as children get older and parents adjust to parenting, that the romance in a relationship often makes a comeback. I firmly believe that even couples that are at a low point in their relationship when it comes to romance will be listing their kids as number one as they list what they are thankful for during all Thanksgiving celebrations.
So what do you think? Do couples need to fear that they will be less happy after they have children, or should they just ignore articles that make this claim? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
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My marraige had a strong foundation as we courted for a very long time and for some of it we had a long distance relationship. Having Children hasn’t driven us apart. We work together more. We argue a lot more too, but I cherish the few moments we have alone. These are when he drops me off at the station once we’ve taken kids to school, or when we go out for breakfast on a Thursday morning.
My youngest son looks like my husband and because of this I love my husband even more. I have 3 boys. The other day I had one of those fantasy dreams where I had a romantic relationship a fictional man and the man turned round to me and asked me “why can’t you do this with your husband?”. And do you know I haven’t had that dream again and we have been hugging more and that has worked.
MelleBelle´s last blog ..Time for change
I think that having children can put strain on a marriage and that if there were difficulties before the marriage, these can be emphasized by the addition of a child. In that way, I can see saying that a marriage would be less happy than before children. I don’t think it is less happy, it is a different kind of happiness. I believe that having children changes a person’s focus so dramatically that the same things that made them happy before children are not as important. It becomes less about you and more about the children and the family.
The author(s) of the article that seems to conclude that a marriage without children is happier or more fun than sfter the children are born, may not have taken into consideration all of the couples and individuals who want to have children, but for different reasons are and remain childless. To not be able to have children when you feel the time is right for you or to hear from the medical profession that you cannot become a natural parent is a devistating experience and for many a sorrow and loss they grieve the rest of their lives.
I think marriage and babies go together. I mean for me the whole point of getting married is because you like each other enough to want to be a family together.
Sure, babies and children take time and energy and even money to pay for bills that you would not have to pay otherwise. But for me it is a natural part of life to want to pass on what you can to a younger generation, as you yourself were given something by your elders. It is looking at yourself as a link in a long line or chain through time. I think love or good deeds or good habits or happy memories or even suffering can be remembered for generations if you either write it down and preserve it somehow or listen and talk to each from different generations while there still is time.
People who think that a marriage without children is more fun than one with children are not looking at a longer time frame.
My marriage is not what I had dreamed that it would be because I chose the wrong man. We are just too different. But our children are the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are not the cause of an unhappy marriage. The underlying reasons for incompatibility were already there from the start. But as other commentors have pointed out, the strain of caring for children
makes it difficult to put up the facade that one perhaps did during the first romantic and childless time of a marriage.
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Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Hi Tina, great topic. From experience, kids can throw a marriage upside down, but having a kid is also one of the best thing can happen to you. It takes a mite of work to keep the romance flowing, but it is not impossible. Once you are through the first two months after the baby’s birth, you are used to the new responsibility and life starts getting back to normal again.
So, my opinion is, go for it, it is worth it in the end, for sure. And I never wanted kids, my wife wanted so I agreed. Today I am not sorry, I cannot imagine a house without kids.
Tina, thanks also for entering the giveaway on my last post, best wishes with the draw. Hope you and your family will have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Colin.
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Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
I feel that during the start of the marriage, it is very much of romance with a balance of responsibility toward each other. With the arrival of children, that balance will shift more toward responsibility and thoughtfulness. As the example you cited in your post on the husband getting to the crying baby in the middle of the night. But that doesn’t in anyway imply decrease happiness in relationship. I believe the thing is not about if the couple has children or not, but how they are working to make the relationship works.
Having my Son was the happiest moment of my life. I had a bad marriage to start with and there was never any romance so I really can’t speak about that.
Your post was well thought out and in my opinion romance is overrated when it comes to actually living day in and day out with someone and sharing your life with all the ups and downs.
I’ll take knowing that person loves me despite how crappy I look and accepts me the way I am. I appreciate the thoughtful things Bill does for me and for me that’s romance, but younger people have their expectations set so high for a happy ever after.
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I think there is nothing sexier than my husband playing with my son. I think watching him over the past three year and seeing what a great father he is makes me love him even more.
I think children can be a great source of happiness, but it’s important to remember your spouse’s needs too. Focusing entirely on your children is probably not going to help your marraige any.
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Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I think that children have different effects on different relationships, and I agree with your statement here: “Happiness can be enhanced by those who touch our lives, but it cannot be given to us by anyone but ourselves.” it’s so true!
I think those that blame other reasons behind their loss in happiness simply is a way to blame another person or situation for the lack of what they have with their partner. I do agree that romance is HUGE in the beginning of a relationship but it does dwindle down and that’s okay, it’s to be expected. Marriage takes work from two people so if both people in the marriage are going into the relationships with realistic expectations of life then they will make it.
Children or no children a marriage is hard. Make sure you and your partner are ok before you bring a child into the mix as a child doesn’t make things easier at all.
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That is just silly. Children are a lot of responsibility and take up a lot of a parent’s time. I think that a lot of parents get caught up in being a parent and forget that they are also a spouse. I’m guilty of that sometimes. My children have drained me of my energy some days and then I have none left for hubby.
But, I would never call it unhappiness. Hubby and I try to save some time to be alone whenever possible. Keeping our marriage strong benefits our children as well.
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Having children is certainly an individual choice. If a marriage has a strong foundation, I think children magnify that love. If the marriage is a bit rocky, having children will not “save” the marriage, though I have known some women who got pregnant just to hold onto their man. It doesn’t work.
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who writes that crap??
I agree with you Tina.
What babies do, is they magnify whatever was there to begin with. If there was romance and love, there’s bound to be even more of that. Babies certainly can bring two people even closer together.
And if there was angst and conflict, babies can certainly cause more rifts. Think sleep deprivation 24/7!
We should do some research on the authors of some of these articles. Probably unhappy people!
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!! Sorry for my ranting!