Internet dating has made finding love easier for many people, yet many people also find that it has made it easier for daters to lie. This isn’t to say that there hasn’t always been a lot of lying in the world of dating, but when you meet someone over the internet it easier for them to lie to you than if you had met them through a friend (or even a friend of a friend.) Now of course if the relationship progresses, it becomes more difficult to lie and the truth often gets revealed. The problem is that most women don’t want to find out many dates later that the guy who listed “divorced” on his profile is actually newly separated, they want to be able to figure it out on the first date.
This brings me to today’s topic of body language. It’s not surprising that many of us believe that if we just understand more about body language that we could become walking lie detectors and never have to wonder if a person is lying ever again. We see body language experts all over TV, who specialize in telling us what politicians “really mean” when they’re giving speeches as revealed by their body language. There are also are those great crime shows where the lead investigator is able to conclude that a person is guilty or innocent despite misleading evidence because they carefully observe the suspect’s mannerisms. So, is it really that simple? Cross check your date’s behavior against “classic lying behaviors” and you can interpret the meaning behind their words? Well, to find out I asked a variety of body language experts to help me identify the most common behaviors that indicate that someone may be lying.
Body Language That May Indicate Deceit:
- Lack of eye contact, shifting eyes
- Sudden fidgeting
- Move back or turn away while speaking
- Stiffening of posture
- Quicker breathing
With that said, there are still some precautions that you should be aware of when you are observing someones body language. So here are some qualifiers that our experts thought that you should be aware of before you break out the body language books and proclaim yourself an authority on spotting a liar through these techniques.
Things to Take into Consideration When Observing Body Language:
Don’t Be Too Hasty- Body language that frequently indicates lying, like lack of eye contact and fidgeting, still need to be put into the context of the situation. Some people show these behaviors when they are nervous, which is common on the first few dates for many people. If you notice that someone is fidgeting during the entire date, it is more likely that this is from nerves rather than indicating that they are lying about everything that they say. Which brings us to the next interpretation tip.
Look for Patterns- Body language experts often observe a person in a variety of situations before they start interpreting what their body language means. For example, in those great videos when we hear experts interpret what a politician’s body language revealed about parts of his or her speech, the expert will have first watched several speeches by this person to look for patterns as to what topics are being covered when they exhibit various behaviors. Not every behavior means the same thing for every person.
Deciphering Body Language is Not Mind Reading- It is tempting to want to proceed with interpreting the facts behind the lie once we feel that we’ve determined that someone is truly lying. For instance, lets say you’ve determined a pattern of behavior that indicates lying every time a man speaks about being divorced. We may want to jump to the conclusion that he’s not really divorced, but that is a big leap to make. For example, I have a friend who gets very uncomfortable when talking about being divorced, because she’s been divorced three times. Now that may or may not bother someone who dates her, but it’s a far cry from someone assuming that she is still married and looking for some action on the side.
So, with all of the precautions in place about not getting carried away with what reading body language can tell us about whether a person is lying, it is definitely something that you should take the time to observe. Many experts state that as much as 90% of what we communicate is done through our body language rather than our words. Body language interpretation is not fool proof and you will still need to ask many questions to really find out about a person, but it can point you in the right direction as to which questions are most important to get answered for the particular person that you are trying to get to know better.
I’d like to thank the following body language experts for their insights.
Author Barry Maher of BarryMaher.com Speaker, Linda Talley of Body Language Blog Dating Coach, Briddick Webb of Attractology.com Speaker, Shari Alexander of PresentingMatters.com
What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts on body language. Do you take it into consideration when you think someone is lying? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
Twitter: razzorfish
says:
Hi Tina,
I think I am subconsciously interpreting body language all the time,and acting on it. I can’t think of the number of times I have got ’signals’ wrong.
Asking experts for their insights has contributed to an excellent, well written post,it was also interesting reading some of the ‘expert’ comments.
Ray´s last blog ..Panic Attacks At Work
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It’s not necessarily “body language” per se, but sometimes I get an immediate sense that somebody is….for lack of a better word “shady.” And I’m 99% right. Actually make that 100% right. Sometimes I’ll second-guess or disregard that initial reaction as a “judgment” but it’s always to my detriment because that split second reaction was always right-on. Is what we call our “intuition” really THEIR body language giving them away?
People also need to be cautious about what they put on the Internet, and especially on Facebook. It stays forever, but can be a tool when you need to check someone out before giving them your trust.
Body language can give very important information in a relationship. You can find out answers without asking questions.
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Hi Tina, great post, very true, body language is very important, and I also believe you are only able to fool someone with a lower intellegence level than yourself. So do not try to fool someone more intellegent than yourself. Unfortunately most ppl who do the fooling think they are clever…
Colin.
sexy legs and body´s last blog ..SEXY LEGS: A REAL HONEY.
I have judged someone’s sincerity in the past based on body language. Eyes tell a lot for me. But I also try to go with my gut instinct as well.
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
Body language is definitely not fool proof. Before, I was thinking if the lack of eyes contact was purely due to lying. But after reading this, I was enlightened. There are many things which we must take into consideration before we can say if a person is lying or not. I agree with what Tiffany said. Sometimes, we have to trust our instincts.
BK´s last blog ..Theme Song of Departures (Okuribito)
Gosh I would be seriously scared to date someone without having the ability to scope out his background.
Luckily I live on a small island where background info is pretty easy to find.
thank God for google and background checks.
Dee´s last blog ..Romantic Christmas Gifts for Men
For me it’s less about body language and more about trusting my instinct. When I first meet someone, I can usually read them immediately. And yes, sometimes my bullsh!t meter goes off when they lie, too. I don’t notice it initially; usually I have to think about it for awhile, like a day or so. Then eventually I start to realize that I don’t entirely trust that person.
It takes a while, and a lot of heartache, before one learns to detect red flags in a potential date online.
As for eye contact, out of experience, it can be just a sign of shyness, low self-esteem or, more and more rarely, genuine humility.
I don’t think we should rule out anyone who dares not look us straight into the eyes
I know I am biased saying that because I, myself, am too shy to gaze into somebody’s eyes — not even my own in the mirror 
Mr G.A.G.´s last blog ..No Friend In Need Is Not A Friend Indeed When Friends Let You Down In Times of Heartache
Oh this is right on the money and I especially have a real problem with anyone who can’t look me square in the eye no matter what’s going on.
And regarding dating..don’t miss that at all great post.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..
yes the internet is easy to make use of to find people but it can also be dangerous, there are allot of people that pretend to be someone that they are not, and that makes it scary to trust online dating, but never the less if you play our cards right, you can find the right person, i believe that strongly
I am so glad I’m passed the dating thing.It seems to me far too clinical the way it happens on-line.The urgency and expectation appears unreal.After splitting with my wife I didn’t go out with anyone for three years.I just knew that when it happened it would be happen,so I didn’t go looking.
Simon´s last blog ..Harold Larwood
I totally agree with you on the body language bit. In fact, I’m an expert internet dater (been on many many dozens of dates–even writing a book about my experiences) and I feel like I can judge whether or not a person likes me, and how they react to me closely. In addition, being a primary care physician, I am trained and tuned into people’s non-verbal cues all day…
I use body language in dating situations more to determine if there is interest rather than determining if someone is lying. For example, are they leaning in closer to me? Are they making eye contact? Are they mirroring me? These are all good cues…
Beans´s last blog ..Reflections on Being Single in San Francisco…
I am an expert in deception and nonverbal communication as I conducted my doctoral dissertation on the topic and also served for a number of years on a deception research team sponsored by the Department of Defense. Eye contact is commonly thought to be a sign of lying but is generally not–most liars know that and work hard to maintain eye contact when lying. Far more reliable indicators of deceit are fidgeting, longer pauses, and higher pitched voices. Even so, none of these are conclusive and many good liars can avoid them, whereas many totally truthful people will exhibit them.
I’ve certainly been fooled many times over the years and have read many articles about body language because it is fascinating. I love that new show called “Lie To Me” and I’m so grateful I’m not dating any more.
Jude´s last blog ..Working At Lowe’s Rant
As stated body language is not foolproof. Nervousness can exhibit the same symptoms as lying, especially if the nervous individual knows about body language. For example if I’m wondering if another person is wondering if I’m lying, I become even more nervous if not agitated.
Everyone is different and deserves an opportunity to show his or her real colors.
xxoo
I think when you are first dating some of the lies are insignificant. A lot of people lie to make themselves look better and they might be unimportant. Although, who really wants to date someone who lies, whether it is for a good reason or insignificant reason.
Body language is huge if you know what to look for. Good info here to help people.
Did you know you can recognize someone more by their walk than their face? I read that somewhere or saw it in the news and then tested it out. It’s so true.
But I digress.
Nerves and lying exhibit similar symptoms, so it’s important for people to take into consideration the context, etc.
Also, the internet makes it easy to lie, but a first date is a first date. Meaning, people should take everything that is said via email/text with a grain of salt and not think they’ve met the person of their dreams until they’ve actually met them in person and got to know them the old fashioned way.
As a former P.I., I can tell you that you are absolutely right about deciphering body language. It can be done and tells you a lot. Your previous commentor was right, though. These days, a quick check on the Internet BEFORE meeting face to face can tell you a lot.
Interesting topic, indeed.
there’s one area I seem to disagree with: lack of eye contact. I know many people attribute it to dishonesty. I, however, am so shy that if I look into the person’s eyes, I just turn crimson red … whoever this person is.
It’s such a disability, you have NO idea! It’s like I blush for the slightest reasons, which must have a link to my dwindling self-confidence, or the fact that I have to constantly hide as a gay man.
All in all, keep up the good work
GaG´s last blog ..Finally Had My Coming Out!
At least the internet makes checking people out easier too – a quick google search can reveal quite a lot sometimes.
K´s last blog ..Bottoms Up….Please