Last week we tackled the topic of marrying young on our video blog. We all had varying ideas about the role that getting married young played in helping or hurting the chances of a marriage surviving, but we agreed that age itself was not the main factor in determining when you should get married. Of course there are factors that determine when someone is ready to get married and I’ve tried to narrow it down to a few key questions to ask yourself when deciding if you are ready to be married.
Can You Support Yourselves?- Back when I got married this didn’t seem to be an issue. You got married when you had a little money saved and had a good enough job to pay the rent, or if you were a big saver, buy a house. I know many parents these days that are supporting grown children in their late twenties who have never had to support themselves.
I’ve even heard a few say that if their adult child does was to get married that they would be willing to “help them out” while they finish school, look for a job, etc. Helping out is great if it means parents buying the couple a nice piece of furniture to get started, but helping out is not so great if it means that the parents will be sending them a check every month to cover the rent. This isn’t to say that a couple will never fall on hard times and need help from their families, but if you won’t have the means to support yourselves at the start of the marriage, then this is not the right time to get married.
Do You Know if Your Core Values are the Same?- Dorothy over at Women’s Self Esteem just did a post about opposites attracting. It got me thinking, because on the surface, my husband and I are opposites in many ways. He’s very outgoing and I’m more reserved, he’s spontaneous and I take forever to make a decision and as I’ve mentioned in other posts, he’s a spender and I’m a saver. Despite these differences, beneath the surface we are very much the same. We have the same views of what marriage should be, we agree on the values that we want to instill in our children and we agree on the importance of God in our lives.
You can have many surface differences and still make a marriage work, but there is very little room for differences at that inner most level. It can take longer for some couples than others to truly be able to answer if their core values are the same. If you can’t answer a definitive yes, then you need more time to get to know each other before you consider getting married.
Are You Waiting for a Perfect Time?- Some couples seem to really want to get married but they’re convinced that it’s not the right time. Now assuming that “waiting for a better time” is not just a stalling tactic, I am of the school of thought that there is never a perfect time for any of life’s big decisions. I do think that there can be bad times to get married, like if you have lost your job or are dealing with a family crisis. But I think that odds are that if you can rule out it being a bad time to marry that it is likely to be the best timing that you are going to get.
We all have hopes that the future will bring good things our way, like a higher salary, a promotion at work or more job security. If the only thing holding you back from marrying is the arrival of that perfect time, then it is time to move forward or take a hard look at whether there is some other reason holding you back. I know couples who always seem to think that the future will hold that perfect time to get married when they are set in their careers or they can afford their dream wedding, dream Honeymoon and dream house all at once. Many of them have been saying “next year” for ten years or more.
So, if you want to get married and you’re just trying to decide when, ask yourself these questions and see where they lead you. If they show that you should wait, then by all means wait. On the other hand, if they show that the only thing you’re waiting for is the perfect time, then get a move on.
When do you think a couple should get married? Is it all right to start out supported by mom and dad? How well do you need to know each other? And is there a perfect time? Please share your opinions in the comments section
There is no “perfect time” to get married. First of all you have to spend some time with your future wife (or husband), because there are a lot of things you don’t observe at your partner, until you’re living together with him, and that could bother you. Also, as a man, we need to consider the fact that we will be responsible for paying the bills, and buying food, and all kinds of stuff we need to pay for. And I’m not saying that we have to be the only ones working, but morally speaking, it is our responsibility. because from that point forward, the term “my money” becomes “our money”, for both the wife and husband.
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I definitely think that a couples core values should be the same. This is a must. There is nothing wrong with having opposite personalities, it makes it more fun but as long as the values are common.
In my case, I got married when both my husband and I were able to support ourselves. Marriage is hard enough already without the stress of added finances.
Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts
Good thoughts and if only we could get our kids or young adults to think about these things before they say I do..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..Two different kinds of family dinner
I don’t think there will ever be a perfect time for marriage, but I certainly think you should be able to provide for yourself and be independent before you attempt it.
Jude´s last blog ..Is Social Networking Here To Stay?
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
I agree with you on the point, “if you won’t have the means to support yourselves at the start of the marriage, then this is not the right time to get married.” Being able to support yourselves is the minimum. If the couples are in bad financial, they may end up in constant row. As for when is the perfect time, when the financial is settled, anytime should be a perfect time.
BK´s last blog ..Overcoming Challenges in Life
I told my kids to wait until they were thirty. One did, the others married a bit earlier but have wonderful relationships. I do think individuals should have time to be single and know how to live independently before getting married. They should also ’sow their oats’ (do people still say that?) before committing to a marriage. Get it all out of your system before you reach the altar.
I think it really depends on the couple. I know many couples who got married too young and then realized they missed out and end up apart. But there are many other couples who get married young and never give it a second thought. I do think that people need to do a certain amount of living before they get married just so they don’t spend a lot of time thinking there is something better out there.
Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I am not sure if marrying young could be a set up for failure as it works for many, but I do think many will change a lot if they are married too young which can cause issues.
Going through a separation right now myself, I have no real advice on what to give for when is the right time to marry as I married my husband after we spent a year together, had a child together and I truly felt it was right. So I think just follow your heart and know your true self before you marry someone.
Brandy´s last blog ..Name That Kitten
I definitely think you need to be supporting yourself before you get married (or have babies or that matter).
Beyond that, I think you should get married when you feel ready. There probably isn’t a “right” time for most people. I got married youngish and it worked out (at least so far), but a lot of people end up divorced who get married in their early 20s.
K´s last blog ..The Boob Tube
My concern with marrying young is the amount of changing that happens when you are in your (especially early) 20s. I guess if you grow together it isn’t a problem but if you grow apart it becomes a big problem. Hard to know which way you will go.
Thanks for the interesting post.
Breakup-Sarah´s last blog ..Breakup diary: stressed
I was 24 when I got married and while I don’t necessarily think I was too young I think we definitely rushed it. If I ever get married again, I would never do it without dating and living together for awhile first.
Great post!! I agree with your last sentiment.
Waiting for the perfect time, generally means there’s something not right in the relationship. And someone’s gut is telling them to stall.
My feeling is, just do it. I’ve kind of followed that philosophy with my life. I trusted I would figure it out as I went along. It’s the same with having kids. There’s no good time to have kids, so just have them if you want them. Having kids is a life altering experience no matter when you have them. So is getting married.
I do agree that if you get married before you can support yourself, you’re inviting problems. Some sort of independence is important, so you can form your own relationship without being influenced by your parents or other benefactors.
Did I just say “benefactors?” Weird!!
Have a good day.