Sometimes it just works out that the person you fall in love with is many years older or younger than you are. Although there is not an official age difference that defines what is known as a “May-December romance,” its definition is that it is a relationship where the age difference “is greater than what is socially the norm.” On the low end of the scale people start to classify a relationship as May-December when there is an age gap in the eight to ten year range. By the time a fifteen year gap is reached, nearly everyone defines the relationship this way.
There are many statistics about how the success rates of relationships with big age differences compare to those with minimal age gaps; however, these numbers can be misleading. Relationships do not exist in a vacuum, and many of the factors that that are common in May-December romances need to be considered before we conclude that these relationships are destined to fail simply because of the age gap. These same factors reduce the odds of any relationship surviving even if there is not a large age difference.
When there is a big age gap it is likely that one person has been married before, while the other person has not. It is also more likely that one person will have children while the other does not. These factors can be difficult hurdles for any couple to overcome regardless of age differences. Also, the less you have in common with someone the harder it is to make a relationship work. You can still have many things in common with someone even with a large age gap, but a large age difference does mean that there are certain experiences that you will simply not have in common.
If your love interest is many years older or younger than you, then you are sure to have some issues that you will need to overcome. Your friends and family are likely to bring up the same arguments that typically plague these relationships. The following list contains the criticisms that you are most likely to hear if there is a big age gap between you and your love interest.
• Health Argument- This is often the argument that the mother of the younger partner will mention. You’re going to be caring for him or her when you’re still in your prime, and your mama thinks that you deserve better. Of course you will argue that any one of us could be hit by a car tomorrow, which may leave the argument at a standoff for the moment but is not likely to put this issue to rest.
• “Ick” Argument- This is a criticism that you’re likely to hear from your friends. When Katie Holmes talks about having a Tom Cruise poster when she was 8 years old, some say “Ick” while others say “who cares he’s still hot?” On the flip side, some think “Ick” knowing Ashton Kutcher was 11 when Demi Moore had her first baby, while others shout “So what, he’s legal now!” Obviously the way we view the appeal of someone much older or younger than ourselves is truly in the eye of the beholder.
• Social Reference Faux Pas- At some point one of you will say something wrong because your different ages give you different reference factors from your lives. For example, depending on your age you may associate the name Elvis with Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, or the dog that is owned by one of the Jonas Brothers. A slip up with a social reference factor is just part of the territory in these relationships, and if you let these cause you enormous discomfort then this may not be the relationship for you.
• “You’ll Lose Your Friends” Argument- There is some merit to this argument. Along the way you will both lose some friends as a result of this relationship. If you’re older you will find that some of his or her friends are too immature to be around. On the flip side, if you’re younger you are bound to find that some of his or her friends are too boring to be around. Of course friends can be lost as a result of any relationship if your friend either don’t like or don’t approve of your love interest, this isn’t strictly limited to those couples with a large age difference.
So, if you are dating someone and there is a big age gap, then it is likely that you will face all of these challenges at some point in your relationship. Like all relationships, there are some people that we feel are worth overcoming challenges for and some that are not. If all of these arguments that you’re likely to hear from friends and family don’t scare you away, then you may just have what it takes to make a May-December relationship last.
What’s your opinion on age gaps? Is there an age difference that is too big or can love conquer any age difference? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
*photo credit http://www.flckr.com/shipwreck
In the year 2008, when I was 33, I worked as a substitute dish washer at our small town middle school. A 13 year old boy who was 6’4 feet tall and NOT a skinny bean, started talking to me because he was a kitchen helper. I hadn’t been married nor had any of my own children yet and a lot of the kids at the school thought that I was 19 or 20. I asked God back in 1997 who I would be married to if I was to be married. The answer came to me in a vision 12 years later. It was the kind and respectfull kid who I had worked with. My first love was when I was 14. That lasted 2 years with a guy who was 5 years older then me. Then I met a guy who was 1 year younger than me who lived in Scotland and was traveling the U.S. for a 3 month vacation. I also dated a guy 5 years younger then me who was totally sweet and down to earth. However all the guys I dated in the past either smoked cigarettes or drank or smoked pot or looked at porn. I need a guy who is not contaminated with those government priveledges. Age doesn’t matter in this case because my intentions are for a down to earth and an unconditional marrital union.
Twitter: razzorfish
says:
My wife is ten years younger than me. We have been together for over twenty years and we have experienced the same ups and downs in our relationship as everybody else.
I do think about if I will fall ill in old age, and the effects on my wife. I would not want to be a huge burden for her.
I have seen how that has affected a female colleague when her older husband had a terminal illness. I feel the experience aged her.
Ray´s last blog ..I Am Lonely
Im dating, loving and having mad pasionate sex with a woman 25 Years older than me and its the best relationship ive ever had. Her boys (both older than me ) hate the idea but love their mom like I do. I love that woman money is a problem for the relationship as i am busy with univ. and the woman I love has plenty of it. She devorced from her husband a while ago… But it works. Our love is stronger than any agegap. I wouldnt trade her for anyone of any age.
From my own experience, I married a man 25 yrs. older than me, & we loved each other to death for 5 years. Then he got very sick, the stress was horrible! For 5 years I took care of him, bathed, feed, dressed him, worked 60 hours a week. I thank GOD that I didn’t have a child with him. I loved him to the end, did everything that a ‘good wife’ must do. I don’t recommend it to anyone!!!
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Age can make a difference years later when one or the other become old and often unhealthy it’s a rare kind of person who are able to deal with those kinds of issues.
Thus say what you will my experience sooner or later more then not it gets old….
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..Ponting our children in the right direction for life
age doesn’t matter at all.as long as they love each other..I am married for 3 years with a man who is a lot older than me but we are happily married. Lots of laughing and smiles in our marriage. People should not judge by age gap. anyway, i do not care what people thinking..
Age is just a number. Some 50-year-old (did I say ‘some’? I mean ‘many’) men are still immature, while some 20-year-old girls can be very mature.
I know many old men with young wives (never the other way around though) who have great relationships. You can’t change your age either, like you can with changing an opinion, religion, friends, etc.
Suzanne´s last blog ..Unexplained health problems.
Age has never been an issue with me. It’s all about the person. Of course, there are the obvious age boundaries, but when it comes to love, age shouldn’t be an issue.
Twitter: ausetkmt
says:
Age may be more than a number, if you make it an issue. I’ve dated older, and younger before marrying someone the same age.
I must admit that younger men play alot harder in the erotic circle when it comes to older women. there are alot of so called cougars who look very happy these days – take a look at Demi Moore, she’s not wearing a frown ever..
most women who date younger men say it’s because the younger men pursued them more honesetly; when men their age sat back, and pretended to be a good catch, when in actuality they were the left overs.
Honestly speaking, I can relate to that totally. no one wants to be second pick.
RE – A BadGalSays´s last blog ..Trick Or Treat – how far can this go before it kills us
I think the relationship can work with any age difference if both people are equals. If one person acts as the father or mother figure, I don’t think it is particularly healthy, but I guess if it works for them it is all good.
I was involved with someone 24 years older and someone 16 years younger and neither worked out basically because one treated me like a daughter and the other must have had Mama issues. So I’m now perfectly happy with a 6 year age difference which works great for me.
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i think age is just a number. it is in the maturity of each individual. people grow in different ways and times. but like other commenters have stated, there will be obstacles and issues that are unavoidable that will need to be discussed.
have a wonderful day!
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Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
I speak from experience when I say, age does not make a difference if both parties are mature. We have both been married before, both divorced, and she has a child from previous marriage, I have none. I am 17 years older, however, she is my equal in everthing, and due to the age difference, people also judge me younger than I am. Lucky for me)
We gym together, and we used to play squash together, and it was not that long ago when I still beat her at squash.
We have never had any problems as far as friends are concerned, or having things in common, we more or less like the same things, so it was easy. Now I know people look at us walking past and specially the guys would think, “what on earth is such an attractive lady doing with such an old f*rt like that?” well, my answer is, I married her to change my diapers when I am not able to go to the loo anymore. I am 48, but I try to keep the body in good working order, so as to avoid the diaper changing for as long as possible..
So, bottom line, we have been together for 6 years now, and everyday feels like honey moon, we love each other, and we are still madly in love.
Great post!
Colin.
A huge age gap can definitely play a role in placing more obstacles in the relationship. But no more that religious differences, or other similar areas.
I say if two people are truly in love and of legal age, than they should try their best to make it work out.
My Mother in Law once dated a guy who was the same age as my husband. Hubby felt very uncomfortable at first but then they became friends and started hanging out.
Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..Friday Frustrations – A Mix
I think that true love knows no bounds. Obviously a couple entering a relationship must come to terms with all the issues you mentioned. There seem to be fewer obstacles within society these days when it involves issues of the heart. If it is real, I say go for it and care not what others think.
In my view, people can do whatever works for them, but big age difference won’t be my thing.
I can’t get passed the “ick” factor or thinking about health differences down the line.
K´s last blog ..The Best Policy?
This is fun to ponder.
Age is usually a bigger factor to the people close to the parties involved. Parents, friends, siblings. The person who is younger is usually the one who hears why they shouldn’t be with the older one. But you’re right, generally this is only after about a ten year gap……maybe closer to fifteen.
But in our experience, there are other differences that can have a bigger impact on a relationship.
1. Religion: Both parties have strong affiliations.
2. Social status: One was married before. Has kids.
3. Race: One person is getting a lot of heat from his/her own community of family/friends.
4. Money: One has a lot. Other doesn’t.(This is probably the lest of the 4 mentioned)
5. Education: One is much less educated than the other.
Age plays a part in some of these like you mentioned, but in itself it’s not as big of a deal.
Unless you’re Hugh Heffner. Ick!
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
As for me, I don’t mind the age gap but I do place a limit to the maximum of 8 years different for someone younger than me. However, this limit needs not be strictly adhered to; meaning if I happen to fall for someone 10 years younger than me, then it should be a problem too. As for someone older than me, the maximum I would allow is 5 years of different. Same thing I won’t follow strictly on this too.
I think the most challenging part is having something(s) in common. There has to be a lot of common things before I may even think of going into a serious relationship. Next will be the opinions of others; families, friends and even strangers will make all kind of remarks about the age different. As you mentioned, both parties need to be aware of this and need to be ready for it.
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