Recently, our video blogging team tackled the topic “Why Do People Have Affairs?” Two of our vloggers were brave enough to interview people on the streets of New York City, and they even got a few people who had cheated to admit their reasons for cheating. For my part, I went through the postings on LuvemOrLeavem and compiled a list of the 3 most common excuses that men had given their women for why they cheated.
Excuses Men Gave Women to Explain Cheating:
1. Newness/ Excitement- One very common excuse was that over time the relationship had gotten stale and the newness and excitement that an affair promised was too great to resist. It’s true that at a certain point a relationship is no longer “new,” and every relationship will reach a point where the novelty wears off. For many people the lack of novelty is no big loss compared to the greater intimacy that occurs as a relationship progresses, and if you find that this isn’t the case then the best solution is to just end the relationship.
As far as excitement, you need to work to keep excitement in a relationship. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but romance doesn’t always “just happen,” sometimes we need to create it. Some of these men went to elaborate lengths to carry on these affairs, and I can’t help but feel that if they had put that same amount of energy into making their existing relationship exciting that they would have succeeded.
2. Feeling Neglected- Now the men who tell their women that they were feeling neglected or that the “other woman” understood them better are often the same men who are trying to convince their women to take them back. I have to admit that I’ve nicknamed this one the “you’re to blame too” excuse. I don’t know whether these men were really neglected or not, but the fact that they are trying to convince their wife or girlfriend to take them back leads me to believe that the other women didn’t understand them any better than the woman they already had. I know that there are two sides to every aspect of a relationship, but the person who did the cheating should shoulder the blame, not try to spread the blame around.
3. “It Just Happened”- This seems to be the typical excuse when the affair was a fling or one night stand. It’s often accompanied by lines like “there was so much chemistry” and “I was there, she was there and the next thing I knew…” This one wins my award for the “lamest of the lame excuses.”
Human beings are different from animals in that we have brains and can reason. Our actions never “just happen,” they are always the result of a decision. Some decisions are better thought out than others, but there was a decision that was made even it was only contemplated very briefly. In many ways “abducted by aliens” would have been a better excuse than this one–it’s about as believable, and at least it’s original.
So how did these excuses compare to the cheaters who confessed on camera? Well, their number one reason was the excitement and newness factor. The second most common reason that they gave was that they didn’t believe that people were meant to be monogamous. Of course if they truly believed this, then they should have expressed this to their women before they cheated on them rather than expressing it after the fact.
What do all these reasons have in common? It turns out that the underlying reason why I believe people cheat and the reason expressed by those interviewed who hadn’t cheated, were one in the same. We all believed that no matter which excuse was given, it all came down to selfishness. It doesn’t mater whether you’re the type of person who is always looking for the excitement of a new relationship, or whether you’ve suddenly found yourself in a relationship that has started to fall apart. The decent thing to do is to end a relationship before getting involved with someone else, and the selfish thing to do is to continue in that relationship and then cheat.
So what do you think about cheaters? Is there ever a valid reason for cheating? Or are these cheaters just plain selfish? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
My husband cheated on me and I tried to save our marriage for the three kids but I have never really forgiven and will never ever trust him again. In fact I keep looking back and wishing that I had divorced him when i found out. But hindsight is 20/20.
Now I am in a really difficult place at an age where getting a job again will be very difficult and the recession has meant our assets are tied up and unsellable at the present.
So I tear myself up all the time because he has become sneaky and makes me think he is once again in touch with this woman.
Should I get in touch with her husband and warn him?
[...] a previous post I examined some common excuses for cheating that men tend to use when defending their actions to the woman in their life. I promised to do [...]
There is absolutley no justification for cheating on your spouse!! men tend to believe that they are ploygamous in nature because of the way the society labels a woman when she cheats and then how it labels a man when he cheats…there are times when it gets dull in mariagge yes…but being committed to spicing things up when they get dull is the key for keeping adulterous thoughts at bay and of course,knowing the word of God..when you have the utmost respect for Gods word,you wont cheat because of the reverence you have for his word…knowing God helps!
There is never a good reason for cheating. If you are unhappy or not getting what you want/need, then finish old business before starting new.
Novelty seems the predominant theme in all of the above excuses. I say sex is NEVER boring. Only people are. Creativity is a lovely way underused human facet.
I don’t know if I entirely agree that selfishness is the underlying reason though it is part of the equation. I would venture laziness.
I would also question the depth of a couple’s connection.
xxoo
I think ultimately that people cheat because they aren’t happy in their relationships. It means something bigger is broken, and instead of fixing it or breaking it off, they take the easy way out. They cheat.
It’s wrong, and it’s a sorry excuse, but I think that’s ultimately why people do it. I don’t think relationships can bounce back from cheating, because you have to have trust, it’s the foundation for a good relationship.
you’re right, those are excuses. there is never a good excuse to cheat. if you feel that you need to have other relationships then you should not be in a committed one. a person owes it to their partner to be honest. that’s my opinion.
p.s. be on the lookout for your order. please let me know that it arrived all right. it should be no later than monday.
have a great day!
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My husband cheated after we had been married for 12 years, unfortunately I did not find out until 3 years later. Of course he had the lamest excuse – it just happened. I’m trying to put it behind me, but it is hard to just forget and move on.
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
My motto is, do not do to other you do not want done to yourself. I do not want my wife to cheat on me, so I will not cheat on her, and she feels the same. However, one must make sure that the flames in a relationship keeps on burning high. It is up to you to figure that one out as every relationship is different, but it all boils down to give more than you receive, and use some imagination.
Great subject!
Colin.
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Cheating is wrong. Absolutely. It’s not something I would do, and I’d be devastated if it was done to me. BUT…………..and you knew this was coming…..
A few things. I’ve witnessed three breakups in the last three years of marriages of friends. All three were because the woman cheated and wanted out. I think men do cheat more, but it’s no longer so black and white.
The other point. Is there ever a time when cheating is OK? I’ll ask you and your readers about a situation I know about. THere’s a guy who loves his wife and family very much. He doesn’t want to leave and basically won’t leave no matter what. However, his wife doesn’t ever want to have sex. She won’t go to counseling, she doesn’t even really want to talk about it. This has been going on for about five years and he still remains patient, hopeful and faithful. Still trying to talk about it and explore it. If he leaves, his kids lives will be a living hell and so will his, so he stays. And frankly he still loves his wife. But just recently I’ve heard him say he wished he could just have sex with someone, but stay married. And then the next sentence he says he could never cheat. At what point do you think it would be OK to have an affair in this situation?
I think most people who cheat are scoundrels and selfish, but it can get complicated when kids are involved, etc.
I think the John Irving book “The 158 Pound Marriage” opened my eyes a bit. I’ll have to reread to see if that’s true. I think that’s the title.
Interesting post and topic Tina!
Thanks for visiting us today. Fun to visit your blog too. Great conversation to open up. Working hard on the relationship, getting rid of the selfishness, not ignoring his/her need for intimacy, maintaining the friendship and playfulness, all tend to keep a marriage maintained and happy. Happy usually equals = less chances of affair. Happy Tuesday! Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com
The “it just happend” excuse is really lame. I think they would either figure out what really happened or get out of the relation (or more likely – both).
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I would say women cheat for the same reasons as men, a husband that doesn’t pay attention, the excitement and newness or whatever other reasons. Some people like to test the water to see if they want to leave their present relationship before totally breaking it off. I agree once a cheater always a cheater just like a beater. If someone hits you once believe me that will not be the last time same with the cheater. Both are selfish cowards.
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Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
Mike,
You are right that women cheat too. At LuvemOrLeavem we get way more information from women who tell us about their men cheating, and very little from women who admit that they’ve cheated. Of course they are selfish too, but I’ll need to dig some more to see what their reasons are.
Beans,
Based on the comments from you and Mike I’m going to dig through and see what I can find about excuses that women give for cheating. I think that most people have more to say about their partner cheating than they do about their own cheating, and since our audience is so female we hear more about what the men have done to them. I’ll let you know what my digging uncovers.
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I would be curious as to whether women who are interviewed about dating have the same excuses in the same frequency. Being a primary care physician, and asking my patients about this routinely, I know that women cheat almost if not as often as men…any stats out there?
If you ever get a chance to see the film “Diner” there is a line in it that goes, “What is more important, rationalization or sex?” The answer was rationalization “because did you ever try to get through a day without one?”
In my book there is no excuse (or rationalization) for cheating. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Show the person the door and wait for a quality product.
Interesting post.
However, I’m curious.
Why the focus only on men?
Women cheat as well.
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Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I never thought of cheaters as being selfish but it’s so true that the decent thing to do would be to end the relationship prior to cheating. Honestly I would rather someone come to me and talk or just tell me that they no longer wish to be with than cheat on me. Cheating would hurt far worse than if they just had the courage and decency to respect my feelings and tell me to my face they are no longer interested.
I think cheating is a coward way out of a relationship and it only hurts everyone involved.
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