Not surprisingly, many of the Love Dilemmas that get posted on my site deal with giving things up for love. Sometimes the things that are given up are tangible, and sometimes they are intangible. Some things we willingly give up to better our relationships; but there are often things that we are not sure that we want to part with no matter how much they may benefit our love lives. With that in mind, here are some of the most common things that cause people to send us relationship questions about just how much they are willing to give up for love.
The Tangible Things- When it comes to parting with one’s belongings, we often hear from women who hope to convince their man to part with something from his past. It may be that ugly, old sofa that he had in his college dorm room, or it may be a fine leather briefcase given to him by an old girlfriend. Now a psychologist would probably argue that desperately wanting a men to get rid of his stuff really symbolizes something more. In the case of gifts from an old girlfriend this is probably true, but in most cases I think that an ugly sofa is just an ugly sofa and not an attempt to make him leave his carefree single days behind.
We did have one dilemma that sparked a huge debate between men and women which involved a woman who was fuming mad because her fiance when ballistic when she decided to “surprise” him by replacing his bachelor pad furniture with an expensive living room set after she moved into his apartment. The men felt that she was trying to impose her will on him, but the women were much more sympathetic to her cause. A few admitted that she should have told him about her plans, but they still understood her wanting to get rid of a sofa “that someone could vomit on without making it look or smell worse.” (her words, not mine) Of course the apartment was soon going to be hers as well as his, but the lesson here is clear. If you are contemplating getting rid of some tangible things for your relationship, it is better for each of you to focus on the things that belong to you, not on unloading the other person’s items.
Other Relationships- No matter how much I believe that we should never have to choose between our romantic partner and our family and friends, most romantic relationships do involve at least a few family members or friends falling by the wayside. Sometimes this is a result of those close to you not liking the person that you have chosen or not being able to accept your relationship with them for one reason or another. Sometimes there is no clear point where a rift has occurred, and there is just a gradual drifting apart as your life undergoes the many changes that often come with a serious relationship.
We frequently hear from women who are agonizing over a relationship where those close to them do not approve of the man they have chosen. On the flip side, we also hear from many women who are not well liked by their man’s friends and family, with the most common conflict being that the man’s mother does not like the woman. Occasionally we hear from women who regret that they don’t have any of the old friends that they had when they were single. These women feel particularly bad about losing these friendships, because they didn’t deliberately set out to end these friendships and as a result they are often not sure how to go about getting them back.
Sense of Self- The most complex problems that we hear in the discussions about things that have been given up for love, have to do with a woman’s sense of self. Sometimes women become so involved in being a wife and mother that they are not sure who they are as individuals any more. It’s easy to see how this can happen to women with small children who can’t be in the bathroom for more than 30 seconds without hearing a little knock on the door or being struck by the sense that something terrible has happened because there is no little knock on the door. These women have to do a lot of searching to find the person that they were, before being a wife and mother consumed every moment. Women are often resourceful, and even as they are wording their problems, they are forming a plan as they talk about things that they used to do, classes they’d like to take, or hobbies they’d like to pursue.
The women that have the bigger struggle are the ones who have lost their sense of self during an unhealthy relationship. These women are often left without the self esteem that they once had or the pride that they once felt about their accomplishments. There is no quick fix for these women and in most cases our readers advise these women to leave their unhealthy relationship before they can successfully regain the sense of self that they used to have.
So, there are the most common problems that we see on LuvemOrLeavem when it comes to giving things up for love. Whether the things that you give up are tangible or intangible or given up willingly or not so willingly, the odds are that if you are in any type of long term relationship you have given up something for love. In a healthy relationship we don’t usually look back on what we’ve given up with much regret, but a troubled relationship is often filled with regret over all the things that have been given up, both big and small.
Please Share- I’d love to hear about the things that you have given up for love. Please let me know in the comments section. To get things started I am going to post the first things that came to mind about what my husband and I have given up.
I suppose I have given up a lot of things because of my husband. I just look at it as the path my life has taken. I certainly don’t sit there and agonize over what was left behind. I do think the reader who had his living room furniture replaced was correct. While I do think she should have been able to replace the furniture, I think it is something they should have done together.
Just stopping by to say, have a great Tuesday.
Looking forward to your next post.
“ONE of THE GUYS”
What have we given up?
1. Weekly Poker nights
2. Having extra money.
3. Vacations whenever
4. Always being right.
All done gladly…..well, sort of…..
You give up your freedom because even if you have the relationship which allows each to have freedom and space you still have to take into consideration everything you want or do with the other party.
Your life is not longer a solo it becomes the team and that has it’s pluses and minuses..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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I past relationships I had to give up a lot of who I was as a person. When I met my husband, I found someone who embraced the total me. By doing that he gave me the freedom to love him completely and the feeling of destiny fulfilled. I wouldn’t change a thing about him either.
Very thoughtful post. Though it took me quite a bit, I had to learn let go of a lot of fears I had about being in a relationship that stemmed from my parents’ failed marriage.
I’ve only been in one relationship before and I hope I’ve been able to shed that so things could work with the next one.
I would say that I only gave up the least desirable aspects of my life as well. I never really felt like I had to give up anything for my relationship. Sure my life changed, but every change was welcomed.
I gave a boy I liked my grilled cheese sammich once. It was a good sammich, too.
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Great post!
In my past I gave up all sorts of tangible stuff. Presents from ex-girlfriends, furniture, etc!
But my wife has been very accepting of my life before her. I still have close friends, men and women, that she’s fine with. But part of this is because I don’t take advantage of the situation. I think she knows that I put the family first and her, so she doesn’t feel threatened.
But this hasn’t always been the case.
I dated a women who had children when I was quite young. 23. I ended up raising her son with her, even after we broke up. Yes, weird, but isn’t life weird. Anyway, this caused all sorts of issues with girlfriends after that. Jealousy, resentment, annoyance. I don’t blame them. I might have been annoyed too. At one point I started seeing him less because of a women I was dating. It made me very angry, but I did it. After she and I broke up I vowed never to do that again.
I told my wife on the SECOND DATE about my “son.” She was cool with it. And now he’s part of our current family. And my kids consider him their brother. And my wife and my ex are friends. Too WEIRD!!!!
I think we just all have to find the right person and hopefully the “give and take” will work itself out.
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One of the big things I gave up was ever moving back to the West Coast. When I met my husband, we both lived in the DC area. All of his family and life is on the East Coast and I know he’d never want to live this general area. It’s just part of the deal.
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I’m going to talk about this relationship because this one actually involves love. I haven’t had to give anything up for love except a horrible job and fake friends, I have only gained in every way. On the other hand he gave in to me and let me redecorate so he gave up control of his surroundings. Nothing drastic and he actually likes the changes.
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It is easy to give up tangible things, I would say, because they are not forever anyway. How long will a sofa last? Or other belongings?
I gave up all my belongings, save from a little suitcase of clothes to move to the other side of the world and be with my husband. It did not hurt a bit.
I also gave up on a lot of people, which was not necessarily bad. Friends and relatives that were worthwhile keeping in touch with are still close. I lost many other contacts, but feel more free without them. My social life was too full anyway. Now, I can see the value of having just a few close friends around.
I would say that it is only worrysome if you are giving up part of yourself in order to be with someone.
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Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
The first thing I had to give up when I met my wife, or rather when we started going out, was loneliness, then I worked on giving up to not keep everything I experience for myself, things that I always noticed or observed alone, I now had to share with someone I love.
I had to give up sleeping alone and cold in winter. I had to give up preparing a slice of bread when I got hungry, coz my wife is a great cook and I had to get used to eating healthy meals on a daily basis. Now that was a tall order!
I had to give up driving around alone, no one to chat to, coz my wife is a very loving, intelligent and talkative person. I now also had to get used to her loving hand on my leg whenever driving somewhere.
I had to give up walking around shopping centers all by myself, admiring couples who could lovingly hold hands, while they admired nice things in the windows, or do shopping….. I now had to suddenly get used to have someone walking next to me al the time, holding my hand.
I can carry on for another page, coz what I had to give up is a list as long as my arm, but I do not want to bore you all with my “problems”, what can I say, I gave all of the above up with a smile, coz I love her with my whole heart and I am thankful that the Good Lord arranged for us to meet.
Colin.
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
Date Girl & Colin,
You’ve both brought up the great point that sometimes what we give up are the less desirable aspects of our lives, which is the way it should be. I’ll need to devote a post just to this topic in the future.
In the past, I’ve given up so much for my relationship, especially the sense of self part. In my healthy relationship now, I feel like I haven’t given up myself, at least not my good qualities that make me, well, ME.
Now for what I have given up-
I gave up a toxic relationship I had with my real father and overbearing stepmother. I wouldn’t say my boyfriend told me to, just that through him and the love that we have, as well as the incredible love and acceptance his family has shown me, I was able to stand up to my overbearing stepmom and say I don’t have to take this anymore. So it was a great thing that I gave up, and I couldn’t be happier.
What he’s given up- He gave up leaning on his parents too much. Through my help (and much to his mother’s relief) I got him to pay his own bills, move out, and man up! He is in that 20 something financial struggle we’ve all been through, but he’s doing it on his own. No apron strings!
Twitter: AdviceMaven
says:
As promised, here are what my husband and I have given up for love.
Me- My Name- I always swore that I would never change my name when I got married and for years I didn’t. Then one day I realized that I was using Tobin as my last name more often then not, and that this didn’t bother me in the least. I don’t know why that came to mind first, but I guess it’s because I never expected to change my name.
My Husband- Classic Corvette- No, I’m not evil and I never asked for him to do this (I swear) When we bought our first house he sold his candy apple red ’73 Corvette and bought us a dining room and living room set. It was the most touching thing that anyone has ever done for me, and it happened so early in our marriage and was so unexpected that this was the first thing that came to mind that my husband gave up for me.
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