A few years ago I was surprised to learn that a friend of mine, I’ll call her Jenna, was getting a divorce. Her husband asked for the divorce after she admitted to having an affair with her personal trainer. I remember being surprised, because Jenna didn’t strike me as the type of woman who would cheat on her husband. As surprised as most of us were to find out about this affair, we had one friend who seemed to have known that it was just a matter of time before this friendship between Jenna and her personal trainer turned into something more.
When we asked our friend about how she knew that Jenna was heading down the road to adultery she simply replied “they’ve been dating for months.” Of course we fiercely defended Jenna’s lunches with her trainer as friendly lunches after her training sessions, but our friend then asked us “what’s the difference between that and a date?” With that question, she had us stumped. The only differences that we could come up with were 1) Jenna was married and 2) until the affair, there was nothing physical going on between them during or after these lunches.
Aside from those two factors, these weekly lunch outings did have all the makings of a date. When we thought about it that way, we were surprised that we too hadn’t realized where this relationship was heading. This is not to say that every time someone goes out with a friend of the opposite sex that it is a date in disguise, but there are many times when that’s exactly what it is. So, what is the difference between a friendly outing and a date? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Is it business or pleasure?- The reasoning behind Jenna going to lunch with her trainer was that her training session finished at lunch time, and her trainer was also a nutritionist. Yes, he could make sure that she had a healthy meal after her workout, but having lunch together was definitely not necessary to the business nature of their relationship. If the goal were really just to make sure she knew how to choose a healthy meal, then giving her copies of nutritional guidelines would have served this purpose better than going out to lunch. I’ve also had friends that have met regularly over lunch or dinner with their accountants and lawyers to discuss business that is usually discussed at an office. If your meetings that are supposed to be business are really more pleasure, then you may be venturing into the date category.
Are you getting closer over time? The purpose of going out on dates is to get to know the person better to see if this is someone that you want to be involved with romantically. Of course when you’re single, you know that this is the purpose of going out with this person. When you’re in a relationship, you may mindlessly find yourself getting to know this “friend” better, but you may not realize what is happening.
Although there was not even a friendly kiss on the cheek after lunch according to Jenna, she and her trainer did share things like what places they would like to travel to, and what kind of music they enjoyed. They were definitely getting closer over time and knew much more about each other than you would expect from the typical trainer/client relationship. This should have been a big red flag as to where this relationship was heading, but I think that because she was married and hadn’t actively set out to find a lover, that Jenna still thought of this as a friendship.
Are you attracted to this person? In the end, this is the question that underlies whether a friendship has the potential to turn into something more. If you are attracted to this person, then you need to honestly ask yourself if you would still be heading out with them if they were not attractive. Odds are that if Jenna did not find her trainer attractive, she would have found that there was no reason to be having lunch with him. This isn’t to say that it’s impossible to be friends with an attractive person, but if that friendship involves going out alone with that person it makes it that much more likely that this friendship will turn into something more.
So, what if you realize that yes, you enjoy meeting with this attractive person over lunch when you could meet in their office, and you are getting to know each other better each time you go out. You may tell yourself that you’re not the cheating type, so there’s no reason why you can’t have this close friend who is of the opposite sex. The problem is that you are truly playing with fire by having a friendship with someone you find attractive when you’re in a committed relationship. It just takes that one time when you’re friendly outing happens to be during a rough patch in your relationship or right after a fight with your partner for that friendship to turn into something that you swore would never happen.
What is your opinion? Please share your thoughts in the comments section about whether or not someone can regularly go out with an attractive friend of the opposite sex without risking it turning into something more.
HA! No way, unless the guy is gay. Men and women can’t be “just friends” unless they’re over the age of 70. Biologically, when a man and woman want to spend time together, there is absolutely some attraction. It may or may not develop into an affair, but it’s definitely a dangerous situation when one or the other person is married.
I caught my ex-wife cheating on me by looking at her phone records. She was erasing them from her phone, but I found her lover’s number in the bill — oops for her.
If you think your spouse might be cheating, the first place to look for hard evidence is in the phone. Don’t even feel guilty about looking if you have reason to think you’re being betrayed. More here…
http://www.buyustuff.com/phone-detective
I guess real self-honesty is the way to go. I know when I meet with women for all sorts of reasons, I know there are different levels of reasons below the reasons. I really have no problem with meeting with an attractive woman and enjoying the mutual attraction and still be able to do what we came for – friendship, casual talk, and business.
I have to admit, there is always some way that I am attracted to the women that I get together with. Some are just plain powerful (I define as a no-nonsense heart), some physically attractive, some just plain honest, and other times common interests from there perspectives. Often it is a combination of more than one of these things.
Life is too short. I want it all and so do many of the women I know. Perhaps this is the biggest turn on is a woman is passionate about possibilities and gets there somehow.
Why can’t we be honest when we meet each other to say we are attracted to each other. It doesn’t need to be a mind game. As a matter of fact the less mind the more love.
Frank
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Going out with the oposite sex is a no go. If I had been her husband I would have objected to these lunches. No matter what ppl think, ladies nights or boys nights is a potential problem.
The same with getting too close to friends of the op sex.
Colin.
sexy legs and body´s last blog ..ONE MORE AWARD!
I think the attraction factor plays a big role as well. Sometimes though the attraction comes during the friendship. It starts with an emotional affair then becomes physical.
But I do believe that something must have been missing in the marriage. This is where communication is key.
Tina,
Just last week we were asked by a friend to answer a question. “Can people be friends if one person is still attracted to the other?”
We must have a psychic link going on with you. Isn’t this the 2nd or 3rd time we’ve had this happen? Where we’ve been asked to address similar questions? Or maybe everyone has the same questions after all!!
Of course, we may not have to answer it at all since you cover it so well!!
Wow this is a great question and I think it depends on the people involved. I’ve had male friends for years and never could consider being more then just friends. Therefore I’m not sure when it could change and to add confilct I agree under certain circumstance I suspect it can change, thus I’m not sure what the answer is even at age 63 I suspect it has to do with using caution and always think about where you are at all times with the friends you see.
Great pondering with your post..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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Just my opinion, but since you asked even though Bill and I aren’t married we are partners and under no circumstance what so ever would I consider having lunch with any single man whether he be a business associate or a friend alone and I certainly wouldn’t appreciate him having lunch alone with another woman.
Jude´s last blog ..Do Surprise Presents Make You Suspicious?
I have never understood how a relationship could move from having a platonic lunch to an affair. I guess I have never been in that situation.
I make sure the male friends I lunch with are gay. No danger of attraction plus free fashion advice!
vange´s last blog ..Wear Condoms–ALWAYS
This is a slippery slope. To me an emotional affair is every bit, if not more, threatening than a sexual affair. The continued “lunch dates” would suggest that the person is trolling for something more. Any relationship that could jeopardize a marriage should be considered off-limits if the marriage is to remain solid.
I agree with the last commenter. You can be attracted to a friend of the opposite sex and still be just friends. The attraction can even be mutual. BECAUSE……cheating has more to do with what’s NOT WORKING in your relationship rather than being attracted to your friend or personal trainer.
Yes, putting yourself in a situation that is potentially “dangerous” to your relationship is never a good idea, but generally people do this because they’re looking for something to happen.
Twitter: brandyellen
says:
I agree with your points, but I have also seen emotional affairs and actually been in situations where I have had a strong belief the person I was with was having an “emotional” affair. Reason being they were not gone from our home long enough to be having a “real sexual affair” but the relationship with him and I was getting less and less like a love situation and more of a comfort zone, we went 6 months without him showing any interest in sex with me and that pretty much pushed me away for a while. I tried to get the feelings back, but it didn’t happen.
I have to say if you are attracted to your “friend” and the marriage you are in is having concerns then maybe you should hold off on going out on friendly dates for a while.
Brandy´s last blog ..Mother Daughter Time
I think the attraction question is the big one here.
If you are secretly attractd to them, friends of the opposite sex are very dangerous.
K´s last blog ..Learning from the Experts
I don’t see anything wrong with having a meal with someone of the opposite sex. Perhaps the question is how do we define “attractive”. All my friends of both sexes have something about them that is attractive to me, otherwise I wouldn’t want to spend time with them. We get different things from different people, things that enrich our lives. And, hopefully, that is mutual. It doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on my husband. What we have together is very special to me. It might be different if that wasn’t the case. So what I’m saying is that something must have been wrong in the husband/wife relationship for that to have happened.
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