When it comes to the idea of “true love” many people equate this notion with unconditional love. According to wikipedia, unconditional love means “to love someone regardless of one’s actions or beliefs.” In other words, we don’t stop loving that person just because we don’t like something that he or she did.
On the other hand, conditional love is defined as love that “requires some type of exchange” or has “conditions that must be met.” Now when it comes to my children, my love is unconditional, but when it come to romantic love, the conditional type sounds way better to me. When we first fall in love, I think that this early stage of love is for the most part unconditional, but to keep love going and to maintain a relationship I definitely think that conditions need to be part of the mix.
In fact, I think that a relationship is heading for disaster if there aren’t conditions that need to be met. I’ve seen people, especially women, who forgive all types of outrageous behaviors and can give no other reason for why they stay in a relationship other than “because I love him.” Now I love my husband too, and that allows me to overlook the little things, just as he overlooks the little things that I do that are not so desirable. That is about as far as unconditional goes for me. In fact, I have a two part list of conditions. Like many women, I expect fidelity and respect as well as expecting that we both behave in ways that are not harmful to ourselves or each other. I think of these as “basic conditions,” because they are factors that I believe are necessary for any loving relationship to survive.
My other set of conditions are more specific to what I need out of my relationship and are not necessarily conditions that I think that everyone should demand of their relationship. Anyway, here they are:
Saying “I Love You”- My husband shows me that he loves me, but he knows that I need to hear it too. Why do I need to hear it when he already shows it? I don’t know, but luckily he doesn’t question this.
No Criticizing “My Chores”- My husband and I have the bulk of our chores split into his chores and my chores. The chores that fall into my court are chores that my husband doesn’t like to do or are ones that just aren’t practical for him to do and vice versa. This is fine, but once a chore has been tossed into the other person’s court we never criticize how the other person does that chore. If we’re so concerned about how the chore is being done by the other person, then we can bring it back into our own court. This works very well for us. For the most part, chores are things that we have to do that we really don’t want to do, and who wants to be criticized about the way they do something that they don’t enjoy doing anyway.
Make Me Laugh- At first I felt kind of mean putting that being able to make me laugh was one of my conditions, but whenever I talk to couples that have been married for many years, being able to laugh together is almost always at the top of the list for why they are happy. I often take things very seriously, and I think that I’d be a pretty miserable person to be married to if I weren’t married to someone who could make me laugh. I’m sure that not everyone views laughter as such a priority, but I think that at the very least most of us need someone who can cheer us up when life gets us down.
No matter how much unconditional love is touted in songs and poetry as being a “true love that is measureless” in reality, romantic love does have conditions. At the very least, some basic conditions need to be met for a relationship to be healthy no matter how much love there is. Some people are satisfied with the basics of a loving and respectful relationship and some of us need to add a few of our own conditions to have a lasting and loving relationship.
How about You? Are you happy with the basic conditions? Or do you have a few extra conditions or maybe even a long list of conditions? No matter which category you fall into, please share your thoughts on conditional and unconditional love in our comments section.
Unconditional romantic love is not a universal concept everywhere and at all times in history. I think that it is an unreasonably high expectation that just causes a lot of pain and dissapointment. I believed in it for many years and put up with substance abuse and mental cruelty until I realized that like other posters have said, love with your spouse should have conditions. We usually think that women suffer from this, but I think that they are usually more practically minded than men like me.
True unconditional love is extremely rare. Especially with our lovers.
Unconditional love implies that the other person can do and get away with any wrongdoing without real consequence. That kind of disconnect from the real world is equally damaging for both parties. A friend has reconciled with her cheating husband multiple times. I do not understand how she has any real self-respect left.
As far as parental love, yes, that is unconditional. We are not required to approve of all their choices, but we never stop loving them.
Pretty much right on. It’s overrated and in a romantic relationship, very impractical. A lot of families have been destroyed because of a person failing to see how his or her partner is not the right one from the get-go.
Too bad movies and stuff like that sensationalize unconditional love that people sometimes think that it’s a great thing to have in the real world.
Hope this post of yours open a lot of people’s eyes.
I agree with you wholeheartedly with this post. I love my children unconditionally, but my husband is required to earn my love (as I am his). I say earn, but your term of conditions is probably more appropriate.
One of my weirder conditions is he has to let me pluck his body hair, especially his eyebrows. I cannot stand a monobrow!
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I agree. I think when people talk about unconditional love in relationships, they’re referring to the little quirks that make people imperfect. But yes, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a condition not to date douchebags!
There is no unconditional love as i remember but yes there are many love which required small attention from their partner.
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When reading your post, I thought about children immediately. Those are the ones that you love unconditionally. At least, I do. It would be a really strange mother who does not love her kids unconditionally.
Even when they end up drug addicted juvenile delinquents, you still love them, worry about them, and want to give them the best.
I cannot imagine having this kind of love for a partner. There are limits to the love you give to a partner. Even if in some cases the limit is very far.
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You make a lot of good points in this piece. First, I do agree that a relationship can be heading for disaster if there are no conditions to be met. I do think that the reverse can be true too when people hold on too tightly to those conditions and leave no room for compromise.
As far as the conditions listed, the one that really resonated with me is make me laugh. It’s not a condition I have per se, but I do know that I tend to be really serious, especially when I’m in my zone and doing work. And I think that I have the potential to lose myself in my work. But I married a woman who is always laughing and being silly and that brings me balance.
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This all sounds great but my relationship is on the rocks and all that you mention went down the swanny years ago. Maybe i should leave her now. Is it her or is it me. Are we together for the kids. I’d say.
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The only people that I can say I truly love unconditionally are my kids as well. If my husband decides to be a jerk all of a sudden and cheats on me or abuses me, I can imagine that my love for him would die off quickly.
There are a few conditions that I would love to add to the list(I’m sure he has a few as well), but what’s important is that he meets my basic needs for what I need out of a relationship and that he share my values.
I agree with your premise to an extent. The problem with conditions is that we get one can get so caught up on having them that not much is left open. And people who have been scorn by past lovers vow not to let that happen again by having unrealistic conditions.
Sure, there are things that a person must do to make you happy. But sometimes this can be taken to the extreme thus eliminating many people who don’t perfectly fit in your box.
I really think that loving unconditionally is a good thing to strive for, even if we don’t attain it. Life should be a continual growth process and accepting others–warts, flaws and all—is part of that in relationships. Let’s face it: We all screw up! As long as it is not damaging to the relationship, we can learn, grow together and go forward. I always ask myself, How important is this issue in the whole scheme of things? Too often we get hung up on petty issues that are not that important. Being able to laugh, helps a lot!
My child and friends received more of the unconditional love than my mate. Even if you love someone there are just some things that aren’t acceptable in a relationship. I agree with the laughter part of your post because if it weren’t for Bill making me laugh I would be very glum indeed. For me actions speak louder than words so as long as he shows his love I really don’t need the words. In the past I heard those words often, but never felt them.
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says:
I tend to agree with the previous comment, the only persons I love unconditionally are my kids, and everyone will not agree with that, until they catch their partner in bed with someone else. Then unconditional love might disappear like last months pay. The line between love and hate is ultra thin, and in most cases that line will disappear in extreme cases. But until that severe trauma is experienced, if ever, most people will believe that there is unconditional love in a relationship.
That is my opinion, and I might be wrong, but I don’t think so. Great post!
Colin.
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You are right on with this!! The only people I love unconditionally are my kids. With a partner or spouse it’s always more complicated.
The only other thing I can think of is just trying to meet the other person’s needs. Or otherwise defined as making an effort to make the other person happy. This changes from day to day, but it’s more of an intuitive thing.
It’s the condition I need to feel like my wife really is thinking about me. And vice versa of course!!!