I don’t want this to be another post covering Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate Plus 8″, but I can’t help but use Jon as an example for this topic. Until the announcement of their plans to divorce, Jon was portrayed as the poster child for the “hen pecked husband.” By the very definition of “hen pecked” there has to be a domineering wife (hen) who is convinced that her way is the right way and isn’t happy until her husband caves into her demands. This of course, is the role that Kate was cast in on this “reality” show.
I have to admit that I have found myself feeling sorry for the husbands of some of my ultra aggressive friends who pushed their husbands around, just like many viewers felt sorry for Jon Gosselin. No matter how bad we feel for these men though, it’s hard not to ask why these grown men allow themselves to be hen pecked and don’t just assert themselves. I think that there are many reasons why men let themselves fall into this situation, so here are some of the most common ones that I have seen in marriages where the man seems totally dominated by his wife.
Timid Personality- This is the situation that often comes to mind when we envision a hen pecked husband. We picture a man who is timid and a wife who takes advantage of this. No matter how timid someone is, I don’t see how they can ever have a happy marriage unless they learn to assert themselves. You can’t compromise unless you make your feelings and opinions known, so no matter how timid you are, if you don’t express yourself then you need to shoulder some of the blame for being dominated.
Inferiority Complex- I consider this a separate category because unlike being timid, feeling inferior is often a temporary stage in a relationship. I’ve known couples where the man seems to feel inferior to his wife because the wife was wealthier, better educated, or better known in the community. These were men who were not timid in the rest of their dealings with people, but they let their wives push them around because compared to their wife they felt inferior.
Of course people who are not used to being dominated will push back at some point. It may take months of marriage or it may take years, but it will happen eventually. Generally, the longer it takes for a man to assert himself in a marriage, the more likely it is that the relationship will not be able to survive this shift in power.
Fringe Benefits- Of course there are men that focus on the benefits of letting their wives dominate them, rather than on what they lose by having so little say in the marriage. I had a friend who had declared her husband so incompetent that his only job was to go to work. She paid all the bills, did all the work around the house and even handled minor home repairs after buying a toolkit and taking some workshops at Home Depot.
He did seem like a wimpy guy that my friends and I felt sorry for until one beautiful weekend in April. He was heading out with his golf clubs because she didn’t want him underfoot while she was working on their income taxes. To top it off, she had asked her mother to watch the baby because she didn’t trust him after he had taken her to the park with his only baby supplies consisting of a single diaper. He told us this with such a big grin on his face, that we couldn’t help but wonder if he had weighed his options and decided that being hen pecked was well worth the fringe benefits.
Which brings us back to the quesion of Jon Gosselin. Was the hen pecked husband image an illusion created by careful editing, or was he a hen pecked husband who fell into one of these categories? We may never be certain of why any man takes this role in a marriage, but one thing is certain. No matter how easy it is to blame the “domineering wife,” the hen pecked husband is just one of many situations in a marriage that it takes two people to create.
i am a hen pecked husband i tell you its hell on earth
I have to agree with Lin. I always watched that show thinking that I would be a shrew if I had 8 kids and a husband who contributed so little. It is a lot of work to keep a house and 8 kids in order. I think the current media coverage is telling. His media stories have him traveling with a variety of women, hers have her with the kids. It demonstrates a serious difference in priorities.
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I’m not sure if it’s the chicken or the egg in this case. I had to stop watching that show a few years back because it drove me nuts how snippity Kate was all the time with Jon but who knows if she was that way because he was too much of a slacker parent or if he was a slacker parent because he could never do anything right in Kate’s eyes and just gave up. Talk about a run on sentence.
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or is he just into a character
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fascinating
I may be wrong but I think that some men become henpecked from childhood. I think some of them lived their whole lives being henpecked by their mothers.
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Intersting question and well put by many of the commentors I enjoyed reading this.
Dorothy from grammology
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hen pecked or not, he is the father of 8 kids and you would never know it.
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Why does everyone insist that SHE was the trouble in this marriage? I’m confused on that. If you actually watched the show, you would see that he acted like one of the kids. I don’t think the dude wanted any part of being such an involved parent and I think he was passive aggressive which in turn, made her into a screaming nut. Who left for a 20 something babe? I think that speaks volumes.
Enough with the “henpecked” husband. That notion is ridiculous when there are two adults in a relationship. And who are we to judge one another’s relationships?? Who knows how and why a marriage works or it doesn’t.
Jon Gosselin was not taken advantage of or beat up on–his inability to assert himself as a man, father or human being led to everyone around him directing him. He is a child who wants to play and not be responsible for his children or be tied down in a marriage that requires WORK.
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says:
I agree with Lin and everyone who wondered why Jon got to be the hen pecked husband and Kate got to be the shrew. I thought about adding a special category for Jon as to why he managed to appear so dominated which had something to do with the fact that your husband is secretly an overgrown frat boy, but I figured I’d leave it open and see what everyone else thought about “poor Jon.”
I can think of a couple or two who fall into the category of being a hen pecked husband. I like the probably causes as to why they accept this.
I used to feel sorry of “hen pecked” men, mostly because our society programs us to always villainize the woman. But after this whole Kate/Jon mess, it’s clear the reason Kate treated Jon the way she did was because he was a childish loafer who needed someone strict with him to whip him into shape. I mean, just look at the guy now. Some men need to be hen pecked.
Hi!
Is being hen-pecked the same as being nagged?? Women have the tendency to nag (me included), cos men can’t seem to remember even the simplest of things!
I find myself always telling ‘the boys’ in the house to keep things in order or else everything gets topsy-turvy. I keep saying the same things over and over, I get upset and I end up feeling horrible for all the yelling and nagging
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says:
I would say hen pecking is a more extreme version of nagging because women that truly hen peck have more control over their husbands than what nagging brings. I guess in some way they are “champion naggers” although I’ve known a few who resort to methods that are much nastier than nagging.
I can relate to constantly repeating requests for everyone to keep the house in order. It makes me think my voice is in a frequency that men can’t hear (my sons included), but everyone manages to hear me when I tell them it’s time to eat.
I always thought my brother was hen-pecked because he let his wife rule everything and forgave her even when she cheated on him and took her back. He took care of her to her dying day. The man thought she was so smart and could do no wrong. He was happy in his own way and he truly loved her. He’s a big ole bear and she was a tiny small person, but she ruled the roost, never could figure it out, still can’t.
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As usual, you cover all the bases.
Guys are hen pecked by choice. Or let’s say, people are dominated by choice. Meaning, a person knows what they’re getting themselves into, but they proceed forward anyway…..and often like it.
The “Inferiority Complex” person knows he’s over his head, but he doesn’t care. This is usually a guy marrying some beautiful woman. He is often so blinded by her “beauty” that he accepts whatever comes with that. (This doesn’t always turn into a hen pecked situation but it’s ripe to do so.)
Or like you said, the guy who takes advantage of his situation by golfing, etc.
Kind of funny.
These situations wouldn’t work for me, but they certainly work for a lot of people.
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My sister beats the absolute crap out of her hubs. I like mine toi much to be mean to him lol.
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I feel sorry for some husbands too. I feel like sometimes we forgot that we should treat out family at least as well as we treat our friends.
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I know a man whom I long considered “hen pecked.” I have since decided, after my husband and I spent considerable time with the couple, that after 30 years of marriage, this is what works for them. It’s a comfort zone of sorts. I do know they love each other but it used to break my heart that he was so ill-treated. Now I realize he is happy, whatever the deal!
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