Normally I would say that you shouldn’t change for love and that you also shouldn’t plan to change your partner. Despite this, I have to concede that what often makes relationships successful is that both partners change in ways that make the relationship run more smoothly. So, how much should we be willing to change in order to benefit our relationship while still taking into account that we want to be loved for who we are, quirks and all. There are no hard and fast rules, since one person’s minor change may be another person’s major change, yet that are some typical changes that can’t be maintained and will cause problems down the line when you go back to your old behavior.
Trying to make a good impression- Early in a relationship most of us go through a stage where we are on our best behavior. Men who are normally unkempt find themselves wearing suits for a special date and women who never watch sports are suddenly excited about accompanying their man to Sunday’s game. We don’t give the changes much thought because we are so concerned about making a good impression, but most of these changes are ones that we plan to abandon once we’re further into the relationship. Many of these changes are minor, so it’s not usually a big deal when we start to let our “real self” show through more and more, especially since both partners have usually been making changes during that best behavior stage.
There’s not a set amount of time for how long you should wait before you start to let some of these temporary changes go, but hanging onto them for too long can cause problems if they start to play a central role in why your relationship is working well. For example, many couples see their friends a lot less in the early stages of their relationship, but then they ease back into their routines of doing things with their friends which may or may not include their partner. If you have gone months without seeing your friends and then suddenly start heading to a weekly happy hour with the girls or poker night with the guys on what has been your date night for the past several months, your partner will likely be annoyed. This is a perfect example of carrying on that “best behavior stage” for too long. We expect that if certain behaviors and traits are still there in place after months, that the person is no longer in that best behavior stage and that our relationship will always be that way.
Is the change for the better?- This is a tricky question, because ultimately you can’t change for someone else if you don’t really want to change, even if that change is “for the better.” Ask anyone who has fallen in love with someone with a drug or alcohol addiction and they will tell you the cold, hard facts of trying to change behavior if the person is only trying to change for someone else but does not truly want to change. Of course even when it comes to small changes if you are making them to impress your partner rather than because you want to make them, the notion that these changes are “for the better” will not be enough to sustain them.
I have known people who worked in the arts for years doing what they loved who gave into the pressure to find a more mainstream job that would better suit their relationship. Many of their friends and almost all of their family felt that getting a “grown up job” was a change for the better, but if going from being an abstract painter to a commercial artist leaves you feeling empty then you have a problem. People can fool themselves into sustaining changes that they have made merely to keep their partner happy for years, if the people around them view it as a change for the better. Eventually, these changes will catch up with them. The people who suddenly look in the mirror and don’t recognize who they’ve become are often the people who have fallen prey to denying what they wanted for themselves in exchange for trying to maintain what everyone else thought was a change for the better.
No one wants to be changed by someone else- At the heart of it, I think that the changes that benefit a relationship most are the ones that evolve naturally over time rather than ones that we try to force on the other or that we try to force on ourselves. Everyone wants to be loved for who we are and we want to feel that our partner can accept our differences and even our faults. When we accept each other for who we are, we are pleasantly surprised when our partner makes changes that benefit our relationship. If we set out to change someone we will be disappointed when the change either doesn’t happen or happens too slowly or not to a big enough degree.
The other person will also be left feeling resentful that you wanted to change them and couldn’t accept them as they are. For example, when I was getting my MBA I never considered for one moment that I would want to quit work to raise children. As it got closer to our first son being born, some strange maternal instinct kicked in and I suddenly couldn’t stand the thought of not staying home with my baby. Even though that baby is almost a teenager, I still hold it very dear to me that my husband had loved me just as much when my plan was that I’d go right back to work after my maternity leave. In fact, I think that the decision would have been harder for me if my husband had tried to pressure me into staying home with our new baby. Once we feel that we will be loved whether we change or not it is often easier to make a change that we might have resisted if it had not come naturally but had been forced upon us.
So, while changes play a huge role in furthering our relationships, we need to step back and let these changes occur naturally. Once we’re past that “making a good first impression” stage we need to be careful about the changes that we make in ourselves and examine if they are changes that we really want to make. When it comes to trying to change your partner, you either need to accept them as they are, or go find someone who doesn’t have traits that you feel you “must” change.
P.S. I’d love to hear your thought on what changes you’ve made for your relationships. Were they changes that worked well, or did they leave you feeling resentful?
What about little changes. Would you say it isn’t best when a lot of small changes are made (e.g. styling hair, attire, love-making style) when a person doesn’t really want to make those changes (when they don’t occur naturally over time) but they make them anyway order to love someone else unconditionally?
I think that in every relationship there is always a change that each person makes. Some changes are subtle such as what tv programs you begin to watch. In the end we should always still stay true to ourselves if we want to be happy.
My wife and I have both changed some of our behaviors. It is hard to figure out what is really bugging my wife. She likes to keep it in. But when she has had enough she really lets me know.
Grampy´s last blog ..All About Kids
You can’t change your personality or that of others. All you can do is change behavior and ask others to change behavior. And if you really love each other it is not that hard at all to change your behavior.
After all, you also have different behavior at a fancy fair than at a funeral? You are in control of your own actions and changing some habits isn’t that much asked to keep a relationship happy.
Without Dash´s last blog ..A complaint free world
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
I still remember when I was young, I had expectations of the girl I would fall in love; she must be intelligent, kind, understanding and patient. Then when I grow older, I know that we can never expect another to be the way we want them to be. I have also learnt that when we genuinely love another from the heart, there will be this inner force that want us to be a better person. This was what I went through; not because the other person had expected me to change to her liking, but rather I wanted to change myself to be a better person.
BK´s last blog ..Want to be Happy? Don’t Watch TV
I think people change as they grow and if they don’t change, they stagnate. Hopefully, a couple will change together rather than changing in different directions. I don’t think it is a good idea to try to force someone to change. That will just lead to unhappiness for everyone.
Anne´s last blog ..We Are Settling Into Our New Home
The only change one should make is for one’s personal development. By changing to better yourself, you inevitably change for the relationship. I feel that if someone changes only for their significant other, resentfulness may ensue.
My hubby and I have changed a lot since we first met over 16 years ago. We’ve evolved into a stronger couple by bettering ourselves. It’s corny, but we really do complete each other. He’s helped me become a better person and I know he feels the same about me.
beautiful and informative blog. it is good to arrive here.
fyzal´s last blog ..Early Morning
You are right, change in oneself is inevitable and a necessity for a relationship to work. It does not mean to change so you’re going to be loved more, but change for making a relationship better. In this case, compromising is a key…setting aside a personal agenda , but to work for a common goal. Changing your partner is not advisable of course, but showing him/her the way that there’s a certain action and attitude that generates a better result is more appropriate than sticking to one’s old attitude or ways.
I don’t know how I feel about changing ones self in a relationship. I think compromise is a better term. There’s give and take, obviously, in any relationship, but if there is a core personality trait someone has, no one can expect them to just turn it off. My husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years, together for 7, and the little things he does that kind of annoy me, I don’t even see anymore, they’ve just become natural. Everyone has gotta remember that for every annoying trait you see in someone, they see one in you. Sorry for rambling lol!
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I’ve changed a lot which is sad to me, but Bill is an enabler. He has helped me to become lazier because I was able to quit my job. He spoils me and I’ve never had that in my life. I think it has made me a more selfish person because he gives so much that I don’t have to if you understand what I’m saying. I was the responsible one all my life being the provider and giver in my relationships and now I feel like a helpless idiot for the past 7 years. I keep waiting for him to change and become a mean nasty man like all the others I have met, but I’m starting to think he really is a nice genuine man I’ve never met anyone like him and I certainly don’t want to change him:)
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My husband and I met when we were young (22 and 24). I think we’ve both changed a lot for the better. We’ve both grown up and learned to be a bit less selfish.
K´s last blog ..Titanic Memorial Cruise
It seems to me that love should be unconditional, accepting the other for warts, flaws, and all. We can adapt. We can compromise, but one’s basic personality is formed at a very young age. If one thinks they can love someone enough so that they can change them, one or both may be in for a hard fall.
askcherlock´s last blog ..Banks’ Licenses to Steal
This is such a thoughtful and thorough post! You really covered it all.
We agree completely that people themselves have to want to change. Otherwise any change they make will be temporary and ultimately frustrating for their partner.
Couples eventually get into a flow with each other.(If it’s working) And they don’t even realize they’ve changed. But these changes are often just a lot of little behaviors and actions. Large scale change is another matter altogether!
Great Post!!
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Twitter: lionslinger
says:
I think changing for love is a hard, some fake it by superficial means. If each loves the other, they have to accept each other as unique individuals with imperfections.
Change comes from within, and it comes from wisdom.
I don’t think you should try to change someone, but I think people change (or adapt) gradually over time as the relationship continues.
Julie@Momspective´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Welcome To The South
excellent topic! my previous relationships have all ended as a result of me thinking that i could help these men not be alcoholics any longer. that they just needed someone that loved them and would take care of them. i was very co-dependent and thought that the changes of them would have to come through myself. i am so happy that i have grown and learned from those relationships.
have a wonderful day!
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My boyfriend and I have both changed since we met, but I think it’s a great thing. We’ve really evolved as a couple and we’ve both definitely become much more considerate towards each other. He doesn’t have children and I do. I always felt like I was a good mom to my kids but it’s funny how someone who doesn’t have his own kids, could teach me how to be an even better mom. Watching him with my kids made me realize I need to stop what I’m doing sometimes (cleaning, laundry, etc) and get down on the floor and play with them. I never imagined that he could teach me to be a better mother
He’s definitely changed me for the better. 
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