A few months ago I saw the movie Fireproof, which is the story of a man who decides to fight to save his crumbling marriage. There is a strong religious message in this movie, but for the purpose of this post the focus is going to be on just how realistic it is for only half the couple to set out to save the marriage. The notion of whether or not only one person is capable of saving a marriage has been hotly debated both in books and on the web. Proponents of this view believe that if only one person is committed to saving the marriage, that their spouse will follow suit as they come to appreciate the effort that the other person is making to save the marriage. Opponents strongly believe that it takes two people to have a successful marriage, and therefore it takes two to save a marriage.
I think that both of these points of view are valid. As long as the marriage was strong at some point, then I do think that just one motivated spouse can start the journey of saving a marriage all by themselves. Here are some of the key reasons why I believe that in most cases it is worth trying to save a marriage even if your spouse does not want to try.
A Good Marriage is more than just what you have put into it- Like any strong relationship, a marriage consists of all the love and effort that you put into it plus the love and effort that you have received in return. Even in friendships, we fight fiercely to keep our best friends while we are willing to let casual friendships fade away. This is because even in bad times we recognize that relationships that both parties have put effort into, have a special bond that is worth working to save. If your marriage has a history of both of you putting effort into it, then it is worth trying to save even if the other person is not currently putting any effort into it. For those unfortunate marriages that have perhaps always been one sided, then I can see why someone would decide that it is not worth attempting to try to single-handedly save the relationship, and they are probably right.
Marriage is never 50/50- Because a marriage consists of 2 people, many people wrongly assume that a successful marriage is one where all the tasks are shared evenly in a 50/50 split. If you look at a marriage at any given point in time, the split is often nowhere near 50/50, and it’s not uncommon to have times where the split is more like 80/20. Of course if you look at a marriage over a longer period of time, it should be a fairly even split when it comes to the effort and energy that you each put into it.
In other words, even though the split may hover around 70/30 or 80/20 there are times when you will find that you are the one giving much more than half and there are times when you will be the one giving less. If your marriage falls into crisis when you are at a point in your marriage where you are giving more than you are receiving, then it may also fall on you to be the one who makes the effort to try to save your marriage. If you take a good look at the history of your relationship you may even realize that there have already been times when you spouse was responsible for turning around your marriage, but you did not realize it at the time because you were at a point where you were giving your 20% when your spouse was giving 80%.
When we improve ourselves we improve our relationships- I think that one of the biggest barriers to people believing that they can start the process of repairing their marriage on their own is that many of us have a preconceived notion that fixing a marriage involves couples therapy. Some people plan on doing this by seeing a counselor, while some plan on talking about their problems and agreeing on a plan to fix them without involving a therapist. The idea of attempting “couples therapy” alone does seem silly, yet I think that everyone would agree that whenever we improve ourselves we improve our relationships. If you do set about working on your marriage by focusing on how you can be a better person and on treating your spouse better, then like the main character in Fireproof, I do think that you stand a good chance of starting to turn around your marriage. Even if your efforts do turn out not to be enough, at least you can know that you tried and your efforts will have made you a better person.
So there are my reasons for why I believe that a marriage is worth trying to save even if your spouse is not interested in saving it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Do you think that one person is enough to start to turn a marriage around, or do you think that there is no chance if both parties aren’t committed to saving the marriage at the point when they realize that the marriage is in trouble?
Twitter: QueenofDating
says:
I really think it takes more than one person to save a marriage, just like it takes more than one to tango. Man, if it only took one person..marriage would be easy.
[...] Posts Can Just One Person Save a Marriage? Does Religion Strengthen a Marriage? [...]
To save your marriage, both of you has to undergo some changes in your marriage point of view. Effort, patience, and understanding are necessary to make a marriage work. There are so many ways to fix your marriage.
The key to save your marriage is communication in both parties. It takes two to make it work and you can not do it alone.
In addition to that it is even easier to communicate with people on the sly. Instant messaging and texting, emails have all made it easier to bond with people that you shouldn’t be bonding with.
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I glad you brought up Fireproof. I watched the movie a while ago, and I thought it was okay, but something was missing in it for me. You bring up a good point about marriage never being 50/50. I think the hard part is when one person has been on that 80 percent side for so long, they feel emotionally drained. I really agreed 100 percent with this point –> “As long as the marriage was strong at some point, then I do think that just one motivated spouse can start the journey of saving a marriage all by themselves.”
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“When we improve ourselves we improve our relationships”
Well said
I totally agree with your statement that if you improve yourself, you improve your relationships. I think a marriage can greatly improve through the efforts of one person but love still has to be present on both sides.
just wanted to stop in and tell you that i think your blog is an awesome romance blog with lots of great information and advice. i also want to thank you for stopping by and leaving your kind words.
as for this topic, my belief is that if you have committed yourself to a relationship then both parties should give 110% to that relationship. why would you only want to give 50%, 20%, or even 90%? wouldn’t you want to commit totally?
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I think that both partners need to be interested in saving a marriage for it to succeed. While 1 partner can start the process, if the other partner has already checked out, I don’t think anything will work.
While we say we have to give our marriage 100% all of the time, it’s to be expected that one or the other will be down and need to count on the other to help pull them through.
Twitter: sexylegsandbod
says:
Hi Tina,
Good post you have there, it’s not always 50/50. My opinion of a perfect marriage is however if both parties can give 80 to 100%. That is also not always possible, but it is worth a try, and if you really love your partner, you will give it your best shot. One must not be married to see how much you can get out, rather see how much you can put in, and that has to come from both sides. However, one of your commenters said that there was violence in her marriage, well I dare say, if you are violent towards your partner in any kind of way, do not tell me that you love that partner, because I’ll call you a liar, and if a man, I will also call you a coward.
Colin.
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This article makes a good case for the ability of a single partner to save a troubled marriage. However, I have to respectfully emphasize a crucial fact: the only person you can control or change is yourself. Yes, I do agree with the author that self-improvement will also benefit personal relationships. However, my feeling is that, bottom line, the other partner must have some desire to save the marriage too. Whether it be 20/80 or 50/50, the other person must contribute something.
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“Marriage is never 50/50″
I think Christa has a good point with this. I also believe that although the numbers may never be even, neither are the people in the relationships. A bad marriage shouldn’t be worked on other than to separate peacefully I think. I’m not sure that any amount of trying by one partner, even with help, can bring a marriage to happiness.
I think your last point is so true. We have to know where we stand with ourselves before dealing with another in a relationship. Couple this with taking the pressure off people that society brings them about marriage and maybe, just maybe, we can get to the positive side of the over 50% divorce rate
In reference to the movie, Fireproof, the strong message and I do not regard it as religious, is that Love can conquer all, albeit by one person or two. Napoleon Bonaparte himself said and I paraphrase that he founded great empires but he asks, ‘upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force. Yet Jesus alone founded His empire upon Love and to this very day millions will die for him.’
Now you may ask, what does that have to do with marriage? Well if you remember the story, Eve bit the apple first, then Adam, therefore he was willing to die with her, for her. So one man’s actions or should we say love, changed everything, in essence saving their marriage.
One person can make a difference, if they both want to make it work, then the marriage will be reconciled even sooner. If they both do not want it, then eventually it will fail. But in essence, one person makes a difference, I mean, how did the relationship even start, its not like both of you approached each other simultaneously; it had to be one to initiate contact and pursue. So yes, one can change everything, even the world. Love conquers all!
Marin@TheLoveIdiot´s last blog ..Loving vs. Living
Sorry to say I was married 2 times to violent types and I did not want to save either one. The relationship I’m in now would be one I would certainly try to save, but I do believe both have to want the same things. I think the give and take does equal out over the long run, but right now it seems Bill is the one doing most of the giving,.I hope to change that soon.
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My marriage has been super hard for me for a long time. I just wish marriage was equal but its not. I have been so tired of trying to make the marriage work and about giving up. I did watch that movie with my husband but he was pretty much unresponsive with it. I have no clue what to do anymore.
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Twitter: brandyellen
says:
Fantastic points covered here! I know I work hard to keep my marriage together. We have a lot of obstacles facing us all too often. Usually we both try but lately I find I am trying harder. I do know that it’s worth it to try at least, because he isn’t having any emotional issues with our marriage, simply me having issues since he lies about STUPID stuff, and to my face.
I have issues with lying even if it’s over something so silly, because I am bluntly honest – I mean bad honest – I don’t expect him to be the same way, but a little bit of respect through honesty when asked about something would be nice. That’s all I am struggling with. Great post, loved it, opened my eyes a bit!
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I’m not so sure if just one person can save a marriage. It depends how far along in the decision making process the person who wants to leave is. If they’ve been out of love or resentful or angry for years, it’s very unlikely that the marriage can be saved. If the person expresses their doubts to their partner early on, then it’s more likely that it can be saved by one person. However, that’s also due to the fact that the communication in general is pretty good between the two partners, which is always one of the keys to a good marriage.
Thanks for a thought provoking post.
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Twitter: trekkychick
says:
I don’t know if you’ve ever read “The Five Love Languages” but it speaks to this idea that if one person dedicates him or herself to identifying ways to reinvigorate the marriage by finding the “right” ways to love that person, that over time the other person will begin to experience a change of heart and a willingness to open up to trying to salvage the marriage again as well. I’ve never been married so I can’t speak to this personally, but I do like the concept, and I think it’s probably very difficult to internalize a whole new way of living out your marriage once negative patterns of behavior have become ingrained as the norm.
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I think that unless there is domestic violence or total abandonment, then a marriage is worth trying to save, even if one is doing more trying than the other. Sometimes it takes patience, forgiveness and whatever love is left to give it a good try.
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