A few months ago I wrote about reasons that couples have for not getting married. Sine then, I have received so many comments from people asking why anyone would want to get married that I figured it was time to delve into this question. Many of these people cited the high divorce rate and the large number of couples they know who live together as a reason why they want nothing to do with marriage, so I knew that I had to gather some information beyond my own positive view of marriage to find out why people still get married these days. I spoke to people of all ages who are married about why they decided to get married. I also spoke to many singles who are open to marriage even though they have not yet found that special person yet. I’ve made a list of the most common answers that I received to the question of “why get married?”
Religion & Expectations from Family- These two reasons were so intertwined that I really didn’t think that I could separate them. Some of the respondents felt that for their own religious beliefs that they needed to be married rather than living together. There were at least as many responses that referred to the disapproval that would come from their family if they lived with someone and didn’t get married. These people often referred to the religious beliefs of their parents and the strain that living with someone would put on their relationship between them and their parents.
Kids- A large number of respondents told me that they got married or plan on marrying because they want to have children. I think that it’s great that people want to be married before having children, because having kids is an enormous responsibility that should not be taken lightly. On the flip side, it did make me a little sad to hear that many of these same people seemed to feel that there wasn’t much reason to be married for couples that didn’t plan on having children.
Making the Commitment “Official”- Many of the women that responded felt that the love and commitment that were promised to them were just words if their man wasn’t willing to make it “official” by marrying them. I found this one very interesting because not needing “a piece of paper” to make their relationship “official” was a big reason sited by many (mostly men) when I wrote about why long term couples weren’t considering marriage. There definitely seems to be a gap between how men and women view the importance of making the “official commitment” of marriage. In defense of the men, there were many who realized just how important the commitment of marriage is to most women and that they would be jeopardizing their relationship if they weren’t willing to marry their partner.
Legal Reasons- This is the least romantic of the reasons, but it was always mentioned along with at least one of the other reasons in the list. Whether the mention was to have a financial claim or to be included in health benefits, if it involved paperwork the answers were lumped into this broad “legal” category. With the way the economy is, it is not surprising that financial issues are so prominent in the thoughts of our respondents.
What Role Does Love Play?
As I started compiling this list, I realized how unromantic it all looked. Even in the case a commitment, this word can easily be interpreted as negative as much as it can be viewed as positive. Never fear, romance is not dead when it came to our respondents. It seems that they were assuming that love was already part of the equation in why anyone would want to marry and they focused on reasons that went beyond love. This attitude was clear in many of the responses that included wording like: “no matter how much love there is, marriage is important to me because…”
Actually, role of love in marriage was mentioned in reasons for not getting married as often as it was mentioned in reasons for getting married. The main difference between the two groups was that those who wanted to marry felt that there needed to be reasons in addition to love and those that didn’t want to marry cited the fact that roughly half of all marriages fail despite the couples having been very much in love at the start. As much as I love all things romantic, I do think that it is a positive step for people to look beyond love when it comes to reasons to get married. While I think that it’s sad for anyone to feel discouraged about marriage because of the high divorce rate, I do think that it is important that couples don’t rush into marriage for the sole reason of love.
LuvemOrLeavem Advice Panel Video Series
Click on the videos below to view the panel’s answers to “Why Marriage?”
“Making the Commitment “Official”- Many of the women that responded felt that the love and commitment that were promised to them were just words if their man wasn’t willing to make it “official” by marrying them….There definitely seems to be a gap between how men and women view the importance of making the “official commitment” of marriage. In defense of the men, there were many who realized just how important the commitment of marriage is to most women and that they would be jeopardizing their relationship if they weren’t willing to marry their partner.”
Actually, my case was reversed gender-wise. I (the woman) was not interested in involving the government in my personal business. I was happily living together for over 10 years. But my sweetie (the man) was insistent that we make it “official”, and gave me an ultimatum. So we had to go to the county clerk and get married.
You definitely hit it right on the spot. Those have to be the most common reasons out there. In addition to that, some people get married because of age. They want to settle down, they don’t want to grow old alone…I know a couple people who got married for that reason.
ChinkyGirLMeL´s last blog ..Monster Kids
You know I got to admit I got married for love and it seemed like the natural progression. I dont think it is for everyone and not everyone grows in the same way. I will say that if people dont move foward one way or another they eventually seem to grow apart.
Leilani (VERUSMOM)´s last blog ..Put my foot down on one of his friends
Brilliant research, explanation and post Tina!
I think there are also mixes of reasons, like your numbers one and two. For example, many couples want to marry for future children’s sake as well as for their own beliefs.
I really do believe that much of the problems, or high divorce rate, in marriages has to do with societal pressure to get married in the first place.
Getting married seemed like the next step in our relationship. We had been dating for 6 years, loved eachother and wanted to make that commitment in front of our family and the Church (religious reasons).
We got married because we loved each other. In my opinion, when two people marry, there is more chance of working through the bad times. In my experience (of friends and family), those not married just bailed because it was just a relationship, not a partnership. But I also think society’s view on marriage is no longer what it used to be and people focus on a ‘do whatever feels good’ attitude.
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I think people get married for the various reasons above , that you mentioned ,but I got married because I love the man I got married to. I want to make a commitment with him to be his partner in his whole life and go towards the same direction we both agree to head for. It’s not making the commitment official, but because we both do believe that God intended man not to be alone and to be “in one” with his wife.
bingkee´s last blog ..THE BIG-NESS OF AMERICA
I really wanted to get married. I wanted the social benefits and the legal ones (very important if unromantic).
I don’t think I ever considred just living together long term.
K´s last blog ..He’s Not Worth It!
I’ve been married to the same man for almost 33 years and we married to commit legally to one another and to “legitimize” the children we wanted (and had). This does not mean that I don’t think children born to a single mother are not legitimate but back when I got married that was the thought (wrong way to think). We lived together for a year before we got married and I don’t think it made a difference one way or another (although if I had it to do over again I don’t think we would live together before getting married).
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I don’t really think I considered not getting married and just living together (it was a long time ago and I don’t really remember). All of the above reasons are true for me, but I don’t remember why I wanted to get married when I did.
“Legal” can also be used as a reason to NOT marry. Haven’t you seen the free credit report.com commercials?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm5WMEv3moM
vange´s last blog ..Big Brother: Chima Evicted
Really interesting video, Tina and great thoughts on this subject. I guess I am old-fashioned and want that affirmation you speak of to be traditional in the marital sense. Have you ever seen an elderly couple walking, holding hands and looking as though the years have melded them together? That’s what I want. That is my wish in my marriage.
askcherlock´s last blog ..So, What is Alluring to You?