Our quest to find that perfect match usually leads us through several relationships before we find “the one.” Hopefully with each relationship we learn something about relationships and about ourselves that we can bring forward into our next relationship. Of course our quest for the perfect match does not just involve learning and self discovery, it also involves having to handle the dreaded issue of how to break up.
How you break up with someone reflects something about your relationship as well as your personality. For most of us our goal is to make a clean break without a lot of drama, but this is not always the result. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when it comes to breaking up.
Venting- Breaking up by listing all the rotten things that the other person has done during your relationship is a sure fire way to end your relationship with an argument. It doesn’t matter whether you expressed your dissatisfaction with your partner during the relationship or whether you left these things “unsaid,” a break up is not the time to air these issues. If you didn’t express these things during the relationship, then put “communicate better” at the top of your list for things to do differently in your next relationship instead of mentioning them while calling it quits.
The Trip Down Memory Lane- Despite your desire to make the break up as cordial as possible, there is no need to go through a list of all the wonderful times you had together. Your focus is to move on, not to wallow in the past. The trip down memory lane just invites begging as the person you’re breaking up with is likely to point out that there can be many more good times if you will just give them another chance.
The Cliches- We all know the typical break up cliches “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t deserve someone like you.” I don’t know anyone who has ever found a break up to be less painful because someone used a tired old cliche. I do know several people that felt insulted that the person put so little thought into what they were going to say when they were breaking up that they sounded like they stepped out of a bad movie instead of speaking from the heart.
Tap Dancing Around- Some people try to imply that they are breaking up with someone rather than just coming out and saying it. It’s great to be nice, but your goal is to communicate that the relationship is over. When you aren’t direct, you may find that the other person has no idea what you are trying to tell them. If you leave the break up meeting and the other person doesn’t realize that you have broken up with them, then you can be sure that you were not direct enough.
Planning out what you are going to say ahead of time as well as planning how you will respond to a variety of possible reactions is generally a much better way to break up rather than just going in and winging it. Generally it is safer to say less rather than more so there is less chance of saying the wrong thing or sending a mixed message. If you focus on being considerate and clear with your words, then you should be able to avoid these relationship pitfalls.
Video Blog Series- How to Break Up
Click on the videos below to view the LuvemOrLeavem Advice Team’s best tips for breaking up:
Great advice! I find myself in this situation so this really helps.
Great advice, I agree with all of it! I have made some breaking up errors myself.
Free Spirit´s last blog ..You Don’t Have to Get Married!
Sometimes depending on the couple it can be difficult to break it off clean, there is usually always one person that wants to hold.
Amber´s last blog ..Panama City Personals
A girl broke up with me once and I didn’t even know it for like, three weeks.
Acadia´s last blog ..Lost University?
Luckily for me, break ups have never been a problem. Usually we both knew once the relationship ran its course, so it was more about, “Well, who’s gonna mention it first.” Although there was an instance in high school where a guy broke up with me via his friend. Classy.
it’s very difficult
max´s last blog ..Le iene 2006 – Politici ignoranti in Parlamento
You forgot texting a break-up!
“we r ovr. c u round”
ahahhaha
vange´s last blog ..Pics I don’t know why I have – Part 25
You are giving me nasty flashbacks to some insane relationships I’ve had. Thank heavens I’m happily married and those things are distant nightmares! LOL
Lori@Not Always Charming´s last blog ..World’s Strangest Creatures
Okay, I’m not planning on breaking up any time soon, but I read this whole thing anyway! It made me really reflect on my own breakups. Very interesting! I don’t think a boyfriend among the lot followed any of these rules. *That’s* why they were losers!
Marty J.´s last blog ..I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor
A “Clean Break” is how most couples who fell out of love would want to end their relationship but I think in most cases, when only one party is ready to give it up, it’s bound to hurt no matter what. … Gee. That seemed a little to serious for me. So my 2 cents goes this way …. “Break-up Sex”. It usually cools ‘em down at least for the next 36 or so hours.
-Ez-
Ez´s last blog ..ESPN = Erin’s Scandalous Peephole Nude-Video
I agree with not venting and having a trip down memory lane, yet you have to incorporate them into your ‘breakup’. In order to communicate it the correct way, you mention to plan what you are going to say ahead of time and if the person breaking up isn’t going to use cliches, then they do have to bring some stuff up as to why it isn’t working anymore; not necessarily venting, but making a point. In saying this, you have to bring up the positives also, in order to not make it sound completely negative. Then overall, say that you were looking for more and were left wanting in the relationship and therefore are moving on. Of course all break up are going to hurt one if not both people involved, yet that is the reality of relationships.
Marin@TheLoveIdiot.com´s last blog ..Mid-week Marin-ate on this Mailbag
There is some good advice in this post. I was just talking to a friend of mine who wasn’t sure how to tell this guy she was done with him. I told her just to be honest. Feelings will be hurt regardless, but being straight-forward is definitely better than tiptoeing around the issue b/c then, like Gina said, it leaves room for misinterpretation.
mr. nichols´s last blog ..Day 62: Perfect Imperfections
When I was single, I was very bad with breaking up with people. I did not like conflict so I would do anything to avoid it. Breaking up with someone always leads to conflict.
Anne´s last blog ..We Have a Winner!
I’ve always been so bad at break-ups. I should have read this when I was in College. LOL.
Maria@Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..Friday Frustrations: Mr. Clean I need you
I had a friend who was so indirect that her ex boyfriend called her for a dinner date the day after she broke up with him. He had no idea they were over, he thought she was trying to tell him to try harder.
You have given some really great advice. I always though that a good “clean” break was best. Reiterating old grievances is useless if the person hasn’t gotten the message by this point. Besides, sometimes they turn out to be terrific friends after wounds heal.