One theme that has been steadily appearing in LuvemOrLeavem love dilemmas is the age old question of when conservative spending moves from the “thrifty” category into the “cheap” category. With the economy hitting people hard, thrifty is no longer a bad word, and it’s become a valued characteristic in a future partner for many people who are realizing that overspending today can lead to going broke tomorrow. Of course in good or bad financial times there are those men that are always those people that are just plain cheap, or even those that are all take and fall into the freeloader category.
So where do we draw these lines among thrifty, cheap and the dreaded freeloader? Let’s take a look at some of the most common money related love dilemmas that are being posted on LuvemOrLeavem and how to determine which category these problems fall into. To be fair to the guys, there are plenty of women out there that use men as a personal piggy bank, so when a man says enough to these women, he is well within his rights to tell her that the spending has got to stop.
Who pays for the date and how much should it cost? Based on other posts about dating and who should pay, most of my readers felt that the person who is doing the asking should pay. Most people also felt that after several dates that the woman should also expect to pay for some of the dates. This is where things seem to get tricky, especially if the woman makes more than the man.
I don’t have a problem with either one paying, but I do think that whoever suggests a very expensive date should be the one to pay for that date unless the person who asked made it clear that money was not an issue when it came to choosing where they would go. I don’t think that merely being the one to ask for the date should put you on the hook for paying for a restaurant that has 5 dollar signs after its listing. On the flip side, if his idea of a date is taking you to a place where they ask if you want to “supersize it” then yes, he is being cheap.
Scaling back on the big day- This current is economy is proving to be very stressful for couples that are planning weddings. Like the dating scenarios, the person who wants to do the spending often thinks that the person who wants to scale back on spending is being cheap. Couples are looking at cutting back on everything from engagement rings to the actual cost of the wedding, and sometimes it’s hard not to feel that this means that this all important day is being given less importance.
For this one, I think that the big key is if these cutbacks are in line with cutting back on other aspects of your lifestyle. For example, if he’s already cutting back on his spending and you get a diamond that is smaller than what you envisioned, then that is perfectly fine. It used to be common that couples started out with a small engagement ring that they would upgrade at a later anniversary. The assumption was that there would be a lifetime of anniversaries to upgrade, so it’s rather romantic when you look at it that way. Of course, if he has money for a big screen TV and an Italian sportscar and he can’t find the cash for the kind of ring that you would like then that is a whole different story.
All take and no give- Even if he does tend to lean more towards the cheap side than the thrifty side, that doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. He may seem to have plenty or money now but may feel that a layoff is looming in the future and may just have not shared that with you, so sometimes you may need to give him some time. The one type of person who doesn’t need time is the type that only takes and never gives. This person not only never pays, but will often have the “money is no object” attitude to you paying. This person is definitely a freeloader and the sooner you identify this one, the better.
Moving in together (the ultimate freeloader)- If you ask someone to move in with you, then presumably you want to take that relationship to the next level. If you are the one that is being asked to share your place, then you need to take a good look at why your partner is suggesting this move. We have had quite a bit of love dilemmas posted where the request to move in has been accompanied by the words “I need a place to stay.” No matter how wonderful you think that he or she is, this is a huge red flag. When someone wants to move in with you because they need a place to stay it is time to not only say no to the request, but it is time to say no to the relationship.
So,when trying to decide between thrifty and cheap, we often need to look beyond single actions to see what someone’s financial picture looks like and what other things they are cutting back on in their lives. The freeloader category is a little easier to assess, since these relationships are for the most part all take and no give. Remember, thrifty is good, you may or may not want to give someone who is cheap a chance, but freeloaders should be cut loose as soon as they are identified.
Is This Man the Biggest Mooch Ever?- Once again, the people at MTV’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” have sent us a video clip that features a man who has us screaming “What does she see in him?” Is he deserving of my title of “Biggest Mooch Ever?” Watch and decide, but if you’ve seen worse, then you may want to direct them to the show’s casting page.
Never thought that if someone offers to move in with you, He/she might want to do it just to save on rent. I guess it’s a new perspective too look at things.
Oh man, I wrote a post here and it didn’t go through
Well, the bottom line was that it’s an individual thing how one feels and deals with it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that dating is the problem with dating. I should say, the pressures and rules. I wrote about it here:
http://relationship-digest.com/2009/02/why-i-dont-date.html
Back in February, I touch on this topic about who pays for the date:
http://relationship-digest.com/2009/02/who-pays-for-date.html
When it comes to muchers, I think each person should have their own guidelines. One woman told me some years back, that if she broke up with her husband (she thought he was being somewhat cheap at the time), that she would have missed being with the love of her life. They were married 40+ years at the time
Some can deal better with things than others. Yeah, I think it’s an individual thing.
At the beginning of my relationship, I used to feel obligated to pay for everything. I put that pressure on myself. I still take care of the bill most of the time we got out, but I think the key is communicating. Now I can be honest if I don’t have it on that day, that’s just what it is. I don’t feel like I’m not handling business because it’s really about a partnership.
mr. nichols’s last blog post..Day 58: Like A Box Of Chocolates
My husband is thrifty but always paid for dates while we were dating. Now we both pay and it doesn’t matter because we share our money.
freespirit76’s last blog post..Click to Empower Campaign
Well you know how I feel about wedding budgets…lol. That being said, I’m a traditionalist when it comes to dating. I think women should offer to pay or split, but ultimately, the responsibility falls on the man’s shoulders. When I was dating, I always offered to split the bill, but if a man paid for the whole thing, I took note. Just sayin’…it says a lot about a man who picks up the bill, lights your cigarette (if you smoke), opens the door for you and picks you up instead of meeting you there. Chivalry goes a long, long way!
Marty J.’s last blog post..Slightly Postponed Friday Dance
Hello,
Thanks a lot for the articles.
I do not understand why some women fall for a guy without any perspectives and everyone can see they need a place only.
E-Magazine’s last blog post..What to sell on eBay
I couldn’t be with a guy who spends money like water and is always strapped for cash and crashing at your place. If I’m with a guy, he has to be as frugal as I am, and things have to be split equally. But of course, if he has more money than me and wants to pay for everything, then I let him! I’m a major cheapskate.
Freeloaders come with a lot of baggage, and not just financial. It should be a red flag for every woman.
askcherlock’s last blog post..Diagnosing Health Care Reform
Wow, MTV is certainly successful with finding the biggest losers I can imagine. If I were her, I would excuse myself to the bathroom and leave him in the restaurant with the bill (especially since he picked the restaurant).
Anne’s last blog post..Is There Something Wrong With Me?
Since moving to a smaller town I have seen more and more of guys trying to freeload and vice versa. This day and age I think both parties need to step-up. My husband was an E-3 in the military when we met made next to nothing but we got buy, both of us chipped in.
Leilani (VerusMom)’s last blog post..I’m Back
Twitter: symphonyoflove
says:
Being a man with traditional thinkings, I still believe that guy should be the one picking up the bills regardless of who was the one asking the other out. And guy should be the one providing for the family.
BK’s last blog post..Honesty Is The Best Policy
I am married to an Accountant.. need I say more? However we both have very similar values with regards to money.
I think with financials in any relationship it helps to understand where your partner is coming from, especially if he is the thrifty type.
What do you say about joint accounts .. and who is accountable? Or more to the point – sharing all your finances. This is something I found quite scary to begin with.
Zanna’s last blog post..LOST & FOUND
I’m married to a thrifty fella and it’s been fabulous. My credit rating has improved, there’s money in the bank and still a fabulous vacation or two every year. When determining whether someone is miserly or frugal, It’s important to be discerning, but not dismissive.
Nelia’s last blog post..Saturday Pillow Talk : Keeping It Fresh
I have always worked and have been very financially independent which makes it very hard for me to allow anyone to pay my way so to speak.
I would never hang out with a guy that is not equally of the same mind to begin with but I have friends both male and female that do have situations much as in the video.
All I can say is Love can be very expensive if it continues to be blind!
Dorothy L’s last blog post..Love..Lust..Sex!
Yeah, there are guys that are jerks, but MTV has gone out of its way to find the worst of the worst. Where’s the show that shows all the gold digging women out there??? There are plenty of women running around that kick men to the curb as a hobby, it’s not only the guys that are bad and the women that are the “hurt party.”
I would definitely avoid somebody who “needs a place to stay”. Sounds like a major issue to me.
K’s last blog post..RTT – Answers, Heart Beats and Inlaws
I don’t even know how that guy can live with himself taking advantage of his girlfriend like that and letting her take care of him. He isn’t a man.