Why Do Women Get Involved With Married Men?

In a previous post we tackled why women stay with men who have cheated. These women generally have invested a lot of time and emotion into their marriage and many have children to consider, so I can understand why they would make excuses for these men even though I could never bring myself to stay with a cheater.  What I find much harder to understand is the women that get involved and stay with these married men.

They seem to have nothing to gain from these relationships, yet there always seems to be a steady stream of women getting involved with married men. I’ve done my best to compile a list of the reasons why women get involved with married men. In all fairness, I do hear from the wives of cheaters about twice as often as I hear from “the other woman” but I think that the list is pretty accurate none the less.

She Didn’t Know He Was Married- Some married men just flat out tell women that they are single. Of course, no matter how good he is at hiding the fact that he’s married, if the relationship continues the woman eventually figures out that he is married. Some women will see all the signs but won’t confront the man and will keep up the charade of pretending that he is single. Other women will confront these men, but even if the men admit that they are married this is not a deal breaker for them. This leads us to some typical excuses that women make for staying with married men.

He’s Getting Divorced Any Day- This is a common one that I hear when women are dating a man that is separated, but I’ve also heard women say this about men that still live with their wives.  Some men come right out and tell women that they are “almost divorced” while many represent themselves as already being divorced even though they’re not. If a man says he’s divorced and he’s not, that is too big a lie not to end things right there in my book. Even if he gives the almost divorced excuse, I think that women should be very leery.  If he really can’t tell you when his divorce will be final then he is either lying, or there’s the slight chance he’s involved in a divorce that is so ugly and complicated that you shouldn’t be getting involved with him until it’s final anyway.

His Wife is a Shrew- Just like wives blame the other woman for their husbands cheating, the other woman often blames the wife for the man’s cheating.  This “mean wife excuse” may also come in the forms of “my wife doesn’t understand me” or “my wife doesn’t meet my needs” but no matter which form it takes it shows a man who is a coward.  If the marriage is that bad, then he should just step up and get divorced.

It makes no sense for a man to stay in a miserable marriage while having a mistress on the side.  There are only two reasons why he would do this.  1) He has no intention of leaving and just wants to enjoy a fling with someone else or 2) he does want to leave but he won’t give up the security of having a wife until he is sure that he’s found another women who will stay devoted to him.  In either scenario, this is one selfish man who has put his needs above everyone else’s needs, and no one should want to be involved with a man like that.

The Thrill of  the Forbidden- I don’t want to make it sound like all women are fooled by men into thinking that they will leave their wives.  There are those women that know up front that the men are married yet they get involved with them anyway.  Some women seem to think it’s exciting to have to sneak around while the man keeps the relationship hidden from his wife.  Many people categorize these women as “home wreckers” who have no conscience or morals.  Others argue that these women have some deep rooted fear of commitment or some other deep seeded problem that makes them behave this way.  In the end, no matter what the reason, these women are acting selfishly, plain and simple.

Despite the many reasons why women may become involved with married men, the one thing that they all have in common is that they are all rooted in deceit.  It doesn’t matter whether the man is deceiving just his wife or his wife and mistress or if he claims to have a “legitimate” reason for cheating rather than just looking for a fling.  Marriage is a tremendous commitment based on love and trust, and a women who chooses to get involved with a man who can turn his back on all of that is very likely to get hurt whether she enters the relationship willingly or not.

P.S.Since this post was published, Betty Confidential posted an article in which they interviewed actual mistresses about why they get involved with married men.  Here is the article at Betty Confidential.


  1. kaylahE. says:

    I have no intention on trying to get my married man to leave his wife and he has no intention on leaving. I have enjoyed the fact that there are no strings attached and its just sex. Period. We get to be open and honest with our sexual creativity, something he can’t do at home.

    • calipeach says:

      Same here… together for 6 years now. We have a great and satisfying relationship, and he is a fantastic lover. I have traveled with him extensively, and he takes care of whatever I need, even though I never have to ask for it. Yes, I knew he was married when we connected (he told me up front), but if it did not bother him, why should it bother me. I could care less if he ever leaves his wife, just so long as things stay the same between us.

      The women who get all mixed up by these kind of relationships is that they tend to want more; realize that you cannot marry a married man, enjoy the relationship for what it is, but be prepared for plenty of ups and downs when you decide that you are no longer satisfied.

      I am a very happy mistress. :-)

      • sue says:

        I have zero respect for women like you and I believe you have zero respect for yourself. If you had anything going for you, you would not need a married man to fulfill your selfish needs.

        • calcollytransplant says:

          Omigosh, why?

          Calipeach sounds like she knows what she wants and she is getting it. I respect her for that.

          She understands that people have free will — married men included — and she lets them make their own decisions. I respect her for that too.

          She knows it may not last forever, but because she is a person who knows what she wants, her relationship has already lasted 6 years and she’s very satisfied. How is that a problem?

          I have less respect for people who expect and demand that another person provide all their happiness in life and be 100% dedicated to them — NO MATTER WHAT.

          • valerie houston says:

            I totally disagree with you. The married man and his mistress are both selfish people. Have you ever considered that there maybe children involved in this scenario? While you are having the ball of your life, what’s going to happen if and when his wife finds out? And I’ll bet anything like most mistresses you dream of being the wife, regardless of what you say. The foundation of the family is going to hell in this country and it’s because of you brilliant people who believe that breaking the sacred trust of marriage; which is the foundation of the family; is an ok thing to do. God help our country>

  2. tim says:

    i ve got an ex best freind that makes it apoint to try and get wiyh every girl i find attractive. just the other day he made a rangement to go on a date on the sameday i had asked this girl out. now all she wants to do is ask when we are going out we being all 3 of us . he got a wife and 5 kids. now she is texting him asking what is wrong with me , i think if she was that worried she ask me her self.tyhis is very painful to me , i,ve never been married because when i take those vows i will mean it till death do we part . and this is just the latest . but i think i need to tell her if you want him leave me out .i dont need her or him in my life. sincerly hart broken agin . antoher bule valentines day bule bule bule….

  3. WOW – Excellent, and clean. you swept the dirt out of the corners on that one. I know some of those women, and often wonder myself why they do it. I’ve heard all kinds of excuses and even myself before getting married, dated a man who told me he was not married, only to find out that he was indeed married and had several other women as well. bad deal and yes I dashed.

    married men, are best left to their wives.

  4. barbarba says:

    this does suck i;m in love with a 58 yr man howewver he is married 36 yrs. i just having fun. he has messed on his wiife with children anyways. i agree with the women we are lonely and men see that are lonley and the excited in this is such a thrill, i wait for the next phone call, however i know the rules. not sure why i do know i get envoled because of realations. it’s been a stugle with reaation be married for 14 yrs and involed for another 6your on off and i need someome. the bottom line is waiting for the phone call is not good. 39yrs old i often ask myself why, the sneaking around is exciting for now we will see.

  5. ronni says:

    If anyone wants to know what we get out of this I will try and tell you. We get to sit and wait day after day for a phone call or an email just something to let me know he is thinking of me…we get to spend all holidays alone, never get to be seen out and about w/the person we love. We get to go home alone every night and wonder what and where he is. We get to wonder every minute if he really does care of if he is just lieing to us again. We get to know every day that he is ending his day in bed with someone else not us….never us.
    but we do get a few stolen hours sometimes that we are w/ him and he treats us special and we feel wanted and loved, or at least we tell outselfe that we are…and then he leaves and we are alone again…who is to blame? Of coase we are but that doesn’t matter when we are w/ him. And the thought of living without him is worse than living for him….and we also have to know that he very well could be seeing another woman as well as seeing us. After all he has been known to cheat.

  6. ronni says:

    I just want to assure the women that think we do this for the thrill of it dont even get it at all///we do this because we want and need to be loved and the man is supplying that even if it is only now and then.
    We do have morals and we are not demon spon…we are just wemon that fell for the wrong man.
    In my case he did lie to me at first, he said he lived w/a roommate. But I knew right off it was more than that…but I never thought he would be married. Becaues I had been married and my husband cheated on me many many times and I swore I would never do this to another woman. But I just couldn’t let him go. If I do then I must look at my life as it really is..I am alone at 54 yrs old and I have no one I really want to be w/ except for him. I am happy when I am with him. I dont even know for sure it is love but it helps me feel wanted.
    He could leave his wife there are no childern involved and nothing to keep him there except he doesnt want to hurt her and who know I am sure he dose love her, but something is not right or he would not be hunting for someone else and going as far as lieing to them the get involved…but as I said before everything is wonderful when I am with him..I know that is no excuse and I dont mean it to be, he is wrong for what he is doing and I am wrong for letting this go on but I cant think of not having him to turn to and think about.

  7. aundrea says:

    For me it happened at a very lonely (and weak) point in my life. He made me feel alive, was charming and fun. He told me all the usual BS (only married her because she was pregnant, they didn’t sleep in the same bed, there was nothing warm or cozy about his home life etc. etc.). After a 6 month (mostly) emotional affair, he asked his wife for a divorce, she moved out and a few weeks later we slept together. The next day he called his wife to work things out. I was devastated. A few weeks later he came back to me for a little more fun (saying he loved me and not her). Of course he went home after a few more encounters, came back again saying he wanted to marry me, and then went home again. He’d still be coming back if I let him.

    I asked him numerous times before we became physical to talk to her, to try and save his 25 year marriage (his daughter was grown up), but he said he didn’t want to. Turns out the only thing he wanted was a little action… he got some excitement, I got a broken heart. It sucked and still hurts. I wish I hadn’t been so naive, and that I’d been a lot stronger – but I’m getting there.

    There was no thrill of the forbidden, no desire to wreck a home, no need to prove myself a woman. I was just stupid, gullible and naively trusting. I’m forever left with a black mark on my soul because of his cruelty, and my own weakness. He hurt both his wife and I, seeking only his own selfish pleasure. We (his wife and I) both lost a lot of weight during this ordeal. I’ve apologized to her and told him to leave me alone, though he still drives by my house almost daily.

  8. lORI says:

    i think sometimes it just happens,2 people meet they talk a friendship builds start spending more time on phones and then sharing thoughts stories and common intrest then before you know it 6 years have went by.and now you are in a fullblown sexual relationship and believe me when i tell you , being the other women is lonely.there is no future , and they will cheat on you too, i love the married man i’m with .but i wish i could turn back the clock and not cheated on my husband and i wish he didn’t cheat on his wife ! very sad and unhealthy. and neither of us trust eachother because WE ARE CHEATS!! we always are looking waiting for the other to cheat!! i love him ! he uses me!
    I NEED HIM TO SET ME FREE !!!! SO I CAN BE HAPPY! he can fix his family


  9. Plot says:

    It’s easy to talk when u haven’t been in this situation. I use to think as all of yall.. “I would never ever get involved with mrried man” well don’t know how it happend and now it’s really hard to get out of it… I have talked about it and trying to get out of it but it got intothe point that is really hard for both of us. Never talked abouthis situation; never brings the wifes subject up and never asked about his family! I don’t know how this started it, never thought I was going to be involved with a married man and it’s harder than what ithought.

  10. Michelle says:

    Interesting post! I think men should just have more self control. For girls, the reason might rest in the thrill of the forbidden, but for the men I think its for other reasons entirely

  11. Some women go for it because it’s thrilling. But honestly, I just don’t understand why women would go for someone married. They should know better. And guys…tsk tsk… playing with hearts is never a good thing, i hope karma pays them a visit.

    chinkygirlmel’s last blog post..Tough Luck and more Sad Stuff

  12. Sandi says:

    Another thing that I wonder is these women who go after married men, perhaps they are fooled into seeing someone who is loving and caring. After all, if he is a father, or married then maybe that means he is caring and committed. Unfortunately they are defeating their own beliefs because once he has cheated he has taken that family and stomped all over it, showing no care or concern at all. Cheating is a selfish thing period. Whatever your reasons for doing it, it comes down to selfishness on the part of BOTH parties.

    Sandi’s last blog post..Relating My Experiences and Brushing My Teeth a Million Times a Day

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    Mckhoii’s last blog post..Denial: The first stage of Grieving

  14. askcherlock says:

    I think some women go after married men because, in their minds, it is “safe.” No commitment, no responsibilities and they can get out when they are bored. Plus they have no morals.

    askcherlock’s last blog post..Limbaugh Sinks to New Lows

  15. If a man I knew would prefer to cheat on his wife than deal with his problems, even if he does say she is mean, I would RUN away so fast. It’s such a coward thing to do.

  16. Jessica says:

    Married men, big no no no no no. Never. Newly seperated, call me in a year.

  17. I think people cheat out of boredom. They like the excitement it brings to their life after a relationship that might have run its course.

  18. Nelia says:

    Another reason : “A good man is hard to come by and he treats me well.” Some women seem to believe that they don’t deserve to be more than the other woman.

    Great post.

    Nelia’s last blog post..7 Reasons to Listen to Round II : An Interview with Robert Scheinfeld

  19. K says:

    Very interesting post.

    I feel like I need to guard my husband now.

    K’s last blog post..In a Word…

  20. Marty J. says:

    I also think the sense of power that these women get motivates them, as well. But I agree with you completely, whatever the reason, none of them are legitimate.

    Marty J.’s last blog post..Yay! Another Wedding to Celebrate!

  21. Special K says:

    Ever consider that “other” women are “other” because the married man’s attentions are more intense? There is something to be said of the brain chemicals involved in “new love” and of course, winning a popularity contest…

    Special K’s last blog post..Sauntering

  22. mr. nichols says:

    Hey Tina,

    Good post here. I agree that there is not “legitimate reason” for cheating. This one act can cause so much trauma seen and unseen in so many people even beyond the three involved.

    Of the list, I’m under the impression that the thrill of the forbidden would play a crucial role because I see it as a seasoning that could go with any of the other reasons, as well as have its own category.

    I look forward to reading more.

    mr. nichols’s last blog post..Day 23: Murder by Snapper

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