Last week I wrote a Celebrity Love Dilemma about Elizabeth and John Edwards. It was one of many dilemmas that I’ve written about wives of politicians who are willing to forgive their cheating spouses. Personally, I could not forgive a cheater, but I don’t hold it against women who do stay with husbands that have cheated. It definitely takes a certain type of woman to forgive a cheater, and it seems that these women often adopt a certain mindset that helps them to reunite with their spouse.
The Agenda- Some women have an agenda for themselves that they believe they can best achieve by remaining with their spouse. I always felt that this was behind Hilary Clinton staying with Bill. She had a political career of her own in mind, and I don’t think that she was going to let Bill’s extracurricular activities get in the way of what she hoped to achieve for herself. She didn’t seem thrilled when scandals broke publicly, but I didn’t ever doubt that she would stay with him.
It Was “Her” Fault- This seems to be the mindset that Elizabeth Edwards has chosen. Every time the infidelity is mentioned we hear about how the other woman was a political groupie and relentlessly pursued her husband until he was seduced. Most married men and women will find themselves getting some extra attention from the opposite sex at some point, but we walk away feeling flattered or disgusted (depending on the pursuer) and it ends there. I don’t know how much pursuing this woman really did, but I definitely know that it takes “two to tango” and no one who cheats is ever blameless.
Making Him Pay- I once knew a woman whose husband had cheated on her early in their marriage. I was surprised when she said she was staying, but I was most surprised when she told me how she was going to use this to her advantage. She swore that she’d never let him forget what he had done to her, and that she was going to get her way in everything from making him forgo poker night with the guys to buying the new car she wanted. By the time she was done her rant, I actually felt sorry for her husband. Obviously he was wrong, but if you’re offering to take someone back you need to at least be working towards forgiveness.
Men Will Be Men- I would have thought that this mindset would have died out along with those television shows where women vacuumed the house wearing dresses and heels. There are still many women who believe that it is just so much more difficult for a man to remain faithful than a woman, that they accept that cheating was likely to occur at some point. To me this is a really bleak outlook on marriage, and I don’t know why you would want to get married if you’re assuming that the odds of fidelity are so slim.
Shoulder The Blame- Just like women are often willing to take the blame for anything that their kids do wrong, some women are willing to extend being the source of blame to cover their husbands actions too. I can appreciate owning up to your role in causing problems in the marriage, but I think it’s taking it a step too far when I hear women say that their actions “caused” him to cheat.
Share the Blame- If there is such a thing as a “healthy” approach to forgiving a cheating spouse, then this would be it in my book. Unlike the “take the blame” woman, this woman recognizes the problems that she has been responsible for in the marriage, but the blame for the cheating and the commitment to not doing it again rests solely with him.
No matter which mindset a woman adopts in order to take back a cheating husband, I’m sure that it is still easier to forgive rather than the forgetting portion of truly putting it behind you. I know that I’ve focused solely on men cheating even though women do cheat too. For whatever reason, women have been very open with me about dealing with their husbands cheating, but I’ve never had a woman tell me about how her own cheating affected her marriage. I’d love to explore this topic too, so if you’d like to share (of course you’ll remain anonymous), my contact email is on the left sidebar.
Well, A cheating partner can be forgiven if he/she admits it. But it is not easy to forget everything, and they should also understand that.
Thanks for the tips you’re talking about it so others will know! Definitely will keep in mind. To tell you the truth, took me a while to get it right, you got to bring about the environment that first attracted you both and also avoid a ton of mistakes we all do at first if you want to help fix your marriage
As I have told before on the previous article that affairs are a betrayal of all the things that the relationship is supposed to be about. But I believe that after affair every relationship can be saved if the both side want to save the relationship.
Ciara from Counseling Divorce´s last blog ..Pre-Marital Counseling
[...] a previous post we tackled why women stay with men who have cheated. These women generally have invested a lot of time and emotion into their marriage and many have [...]
I will not forgive a cheater. Cheater should be dump by all women. If you stay in unhealthy relationship will make you unhappy all the time.
love the post thank you.
hey this is a very interesting article!
I think once you break the trust in a relationship with cheating, you just cannot have it back the way it was. Its just never the same again, whether you choose to forgive and stay, or you leave.
Dead on Tina and for the first time I can clearly see the different reasons!
The Agenda-Can’t agree more and I’ve always said this also.
It Was “Her” Fault-this amazes me and helps me to remember that society and mindset have a way to go yet.
Making Him Pay-I’m not big on revenge and I don’t think this will help repair a marriage, but continue to disintegrate it.
Men Will Be Men-I understand the biology behind this, but when all is said and done, it’s non-sense!
Shoulder The Blame-this is just the wrong approach in my view.
Share the Blame-this one makes the most sense to me if there is to be a repair/rebuilding of a relationship.
I’m still studying “Cheating” so I’m not fully at a complete consensus yet. Although this post helped bring me a bit closer
good read. i never though about it like that before for others, although like yourself i wouldnt be able to forgive a cheater either!
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One author said that the violated spouse of an adulterer has two choices: forgive and move on, or forgive and stay. To forgive a cheater is a tough decision to make. We are told to forgive and forget but it’s easier said than done.
For me it would really depend on the cheating.
I could forgive a one night oops a lot quicker than a emotionally charged year long affair.
Really, I just hope I never have to answer this question my life.
the ONE thing that did not go wrong in my marriage was infidelity. Yay me.
That’s what I love about this blog, Advice Maven. You don’t skirt the difficult issues. And you always take a stand.
Hank and I are in a monogamous, committed relationship. But for those that are in an open, committed relationship, I wonder what commitment, if any, would be considered a deal breaker equivalent to cheating.
I’m curious as to whether couples in an open committed relationship draw any lines in the sand that can’t be crossed under any circumstances. And why do we, couples in a monogamous relationship, assign more weight to the commitment of fidelity as compared to other commitments we make.
(And Hank, my musings aren’t an invitation to test that commitment!)
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