When we think of people that aren’t likely to get married we usually think of individuals, but there is an increasing number of couples that have been living together for years that also seem unlikely to be walking down the aisle. What is it about these couples that makes them stay together but not get married? Like any situation, there are many different reasons why these couples don’t get married, but there are a few distinct categories that most of them fit into.
The Piece of Paper Couple- I’ve known couples that are very much in love, but they declare that they don’t need a “piece of paper” to make it official. The funny thing is that many of them own a house together and have joint bank accounts so they actually have many pieces of paper that tie them to each other. A few of them also have children together, which is of course the biggest tying together of all. I still can’t figure out why these couples are so opposed to marriage, but many of them do last longer than typical marriages, so I guess I’m just left wondering why they won’t take this final step.
The “Freedom” Couple- This couple is very much like the last couple, except for the reason that they state for avoiding marriage. Instead of stating that they don’t need a piece of paper to declare their love, these couples are convinced that not being married makes them free to leave at any point if their relationship stops working. I’ve put “freedom” in quotes here, because I don’t see any evidence that they have any more freedom than those of us that are married.
They still go most places with their partner, call their partner if they are coming home late and they certainly are not just “free” to run off with the next person that catches their eye without destroying their relationship. Like the piece of paper couple, their lives are very tied together. Despite the absence of a marriage certificate, it’s not like they could just up and leave the relationship without all sorts of complications.
The Compromise Couple- This is the couple where one person wants to get married but the other doesn’t. It’s sexist to say that it is usually the woman who wants to get married, but there, I’ve said it. Of course living together is not a compromise, but it does seem to delay the immediate demand for marriage. Many of these couples also get engaged either before or after moving in together, since that seems to become a requirement by the person who wants to get married.
If you know a couple like this, you will likely see many other couples meet, fall in love and actually walk down the aisle while this couple remains permanently engaged. Some of these couples never set a wedding date, and some always seem to have a floating date that constantly changes. Either way, I’ve never seen any real steps taken towards planning a wedding because the person who wants to be married seems to know in their heart that their partner has no intention of making this a reality. In the end, living together is not a compromise for someone who wants to be married. The couple either splits up or the person who wanted marriage accepts that they will just have to be satisfied with living together.
The Financial Considerations Couple- More and more I have met couples that have a variety of financial reasons that keep them from getting married. Most of them seem to have children from previous marriages, and they are convinced that getting married will cause financial complications for them for a variety of reasons. Some think getting married will give their children from a previous marriage less of a claim to their money, while others think that merging their incomes will hurt them when it comes to things like taxes or qualifying for financial aid. I have no idea if these financial considerations are valid or not, but the romantic in me definitely feels that it is sad to let money get in the way of marriage.
I’m sure that there are other types of couples that just seem destined to never get married, but these are the types that I seem to see over and over again. Marriage is a big step, and I don’t recommend that it ever be taken lightly. On the other hand, I think that there is a point where your lives are so intertwined that I don’ understand the aversion to just taking that final step and walking down the aisle.
[...] few months ago I wrote about reasons that couples have for not getting married. Sine then, I have received so many comments from people asking why anyone would want to get [...]
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I think you pretty much hit the categories “Nail on the head.”
I’m not sure that saying more woman than men are the ones that want to get married if that’s the plain old truth, right?
i think definently alot of the time its down to money. weddings are so expensive for something so simple!
Here’s another reason, albeit mostly as applied to men:
Marriage is a raw deal. From the over-priced, over-blown party on “her” big day, to the statistically inevitable divorce because she is “bored” with the marriage, men have nothing to gain from this institution. I would wager most men only get married because they feel obliged to do so. Love doesn’t stay at the initial hearts and flowers stage from which it starts. Therefore, marrying for something so transitory seems like an over-reaction to emotions in flux.
Better to keep marriage, if it must endure as an institution, the way it used to be: Consolidation of wealth, forging of political ties, and as a panacea against bloodlines dying out.
Better still…let the institution wither and die.
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Such great comments. All over the spectrum. It sounds like Jude is exactly where she wants to be with her relationship.
I tend to side more with K, that once children are involved that it would make me nervous, and I plain just don’t get why they’re not married. Of course we’re both married and raising children, which gives us a different perspective.
Tiffany wrote a great article about celebrities who seem to function very well outside of marriage. The permalink to read her take on this is http://engagement101mag.wordpress.com/2009/04/28/can-marriage-ruin-the-relationship
I don’t get celebs like Goldie Hawn that have had children but don’t want to marry, but then they don’t have the same considerations that most of us have like needing his insurance benefits etc. etc.
I don’t see anything wrong with long-term relationships. I think some people put too much emphasis on the word “marriage” to the point that it destroys them. I somewhat blogged about this about a week ago. Some couples seem to just thrive outside of marriage only. It’s strange, but it happens. I never been married, so I can’t say that I strongly prefer one over the other.
It is interesting.
I wanted to say “I do” for a lot of reasons, one of which was the legal protections. I want the medical benefits, the death benefits, social security and all that good stuff.
I know a few SAHMs that aren’t married and that would make me really, really nervous.
I was in 2 disastrous marriages and have been with my current mate for 6 years and we got engaged before we moved in together I keep waiting for him to change into a monster, but it hasn’t happened yet, maybe I will be one of those permanently engaged although I did tell him if we are still alive when I turn 65 we can get married and that’s only 9 years away, we probably wont though. Not sure why we haven’t.