Let me start by saying that despite the title, I don’t think that the power of positive thinking will guarantee you a good relationship. That being said, I do think that to have a successful relationship that you need to think and speak positively about your partner and about the idea of committed relationships in general. Before you decide that I’ve read too many self help books or joined a new age cult, I’m going to give you some typical scenarios where a pattern of negative thoughts can poison a relationship.
The Ball and Chain- I’m sure everyone has known a couple that was getting married and one of the pair constantly bemoaned how they will be losing their freedom. I’m one of those people who believes that you can tell more about a person when they’re joking than when they’re serious. It makes me leery when I hear lots of joking from a future bride or groom about their partner being a “ball and chain” before they get married.
If you feel the constant need to complain about all that you’ll be giving up when you’re no longer single, then you’re not ready to be married. I’ve been to many weddings where there were lots of ball and chain jokes and even though they seemed totally in love with their future spouse, they seemed very negative about the idea of marriage. Over time, the joking seemed to turn into real bitterness about feeling tied down by a marriage. I’m not saying that these people wouldn’t have ended up bitter even if they didn’t talk so negatively about marriage, but I sure don’t think that it put them off to a good start.
The Lucky Catch- I’ve known quite a few men and women that describe themselves as “a great catch.” It may be that they make a lot of money or are good looking or both, or it may just be that they perceive themselves this way. For whatever reason they’re convinced that their partner was lucky to get a great catch such as themselves. Aside from the ego issues, the problem with thinking that your partner is so lucky is: “What does that make you? Unlucky?”
This is another one of those scenarios that seems to start out innocently enough with one person joking around about how lucky their partner is to have them, but the “innocent” teasing often becomes intentional very quickly. These relationships seem to end with either the great catch deciding that they should find someone who is a little more worthy of them, or with the other person tiring of being made to feel inferior by always having to hear how lucky they are to have found the great catch.
Support Group or Misery Loves Company?- It’s especially important to women to have a support group when times are rough. But, we should feel better, not worse, after we’ve unloaded our problems on our friends. Most people agree that when we surround ourselves with positive people that we feel better, and when we spend too much time with negative people we’re likely to feel depressed. Many work places have a group of people that commiserate about how awful their jobs are, and once someone starts spending time with that group they also start disliking work.
The same is true of relationships. If speaking to a friend about a problem in your relationship results in you having more complaints about your partner at the end of the conversation than you did at the beginning, then this is a misery loves company kind of friend, not a supportive one. Unless your goal is to feel even more dissatisfied with your relationship, don’t discuss your problems with the misery loves company crowd.
Obviously, speaking and thinking positively about committed relationships as well as your partner is not a guarantee of happiness. On the other hand, if you think about the happiest couples that you know I’m sure that they all speak very positively about each other and the entire notion of long term relationships. I’m not saying that everyone in the scenarios above could be happy if they thought and spoke about relationships in a positive way, but I do believe that if you say and think something enough times that you start to believe it. If the things that you think and say about commitment and your partner are always negative, then it is bound to have a negative effect on your relationship.
Note: If you are looking to improve your self esteem, you may enjoy our review of the self help book Think Confident, Be Confident.
Photo courtesy of David Niblack.
Very great information.
Nice useful blog Tina, i really liked !
Just double checking why my site didn’t come up in my last post. Hopefully it works this time
I always thought that you could tell more about a person under an adverse situation then a joke. When the joke turns to bitternes I understand. I feel the best way to tell about a person is how they handel setbacks. From their how they move ahead.
Nice Post
Sami:)
Excellent post. Your point about the support group has been something I have touched on, and have every intention of voicing my opinion on my blog to more extent on my blog. This is a big one for me.
I was reading another so called advice blog by a woman that stated there was nothing wrong with the “girl talk” over coffee bashing their men. Venting as she put it, and I have to totally disagree. If you have run into a snag that really need some outside input on, and you go to someone that has you and your relationship’s best interests at heart, is one thing, but anything else is disrespect and betrayal, in my view, and breeds trouble.
I’m a big believer in you get what you project. So if you’re projecting unhappiness or focusing on the negative aspects of something, then that part will eventually take over and dominate.
This is a great thinking post.
I believe that the “Ball and chain” jokes have become a sort of right of passage these days. They are harmless in intent most times, but you have an amazingly good point here. I also believe that many times there is more to the story with these jokes.
The Lucky Catch-fantastic explanation Tina, I think you’re right on the money and couples should really think about this!
Support Group or Misery Loves Company?- I have an Aunt and Uncle married from 1960 and still going very strong. They have told me communication and respect towards each other is key. Thinking about it now, they do tend to have more positive things to say about each other
Great stuff Tina!
why did I not read and listen to all this stuff before I got married. Grrr!!
I love this post.
I here women bashing their men all the time. I think it’s a very dangerous habit.
Excellent post!
I agree completely with the power of positive thinking, especially in times where your future is uncertain (not only relationship wise, but either money wise, or home wise, etc). There have been numerous scientific studies that those who are generally inclined towards positive thinking will fare much better health wise, as well as have better and healthier relationships. I know first hand that this is not always an easy thing to do – in fact when times get tough I can feel myself turning towards more negative scenarios, but thinking positively will let you get through those tough times much easier. More then that, I think that positive thinkers have a real impact on how their partner interacts with them. While I agree that its not always true that if one person is happy the other person will be the same, but those attitudes are transcendent and will allow for a better relationship on the whole.