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Archive for the ‘leave’ Category
Thursday, August 26th, 2010
 Back in the 1970’s a song by Paul Simon entitled Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover topped the charts. If song popularity is any indicator, devising ways to leave a current love-interest has always posed a challenge. While Paul Simon might not have had a problem coming up with fifty ways to leave his lover, many of us find ourselves struggling to come up with even one way of effectively ending a relationship.
So, you know your partner is bad news. Your friends are tired of telling you to “Just leave”. Heck, you’re tired of telling yourself. How do you make it happen?
Make a plan:
Without a plan, your separation is doomed to failure. Clearly you have an emotional stake in the relationship or you would have walked away long ago. Don’t leave in the heat of an argument, you’ll only come back when your head clears. Don’t try to make them leave you, some people will stay no matter what you do to try to end a relationship.
Instead, plan all the logical separation details ahead of time. If you’re living together, you’ll need to find a place to stay. If they have a key to your house, you’ll need to either change your locks or ask them for the key back. If they might become violent, you’ll need the support of your friends and family as well as potential police intervention
Write down why you’re leaving:
If you’ve invested a lot of time and emotion in a relationship, it’s very difficult to leave. Writing down the reasons will give you a concrete reminder of why the breakup is necessary. Make sure you’re honest with all of your reasons. Don’t second-guess yourself after the fact. The key to a healthy breakup is to have a clean break. Once you’ve made the choice to leave, don’t let anything stop you in your endeavor.
Enrich your life:
Many people return to bad relationships simply because they’ve built their whole life around their ex. Soon after leaving, they find that they don’t have any alternative outlets, and subsequently spend their days obsessing on what once was. Find some new friends or spend time with the ones you have. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby. Assuming substance abuse isn’t involved, anything that will affirm your new life and keep your mind off your ex is a positive thing.
Claim your space:
The only way to have a clean break is to insist that your ex not contact you for an extended period of time. In some cases, you might have to insist that they never contact you again. I call this claiming your space. Putting distance between yourself and your ex allows you to create a new life, one without your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.
Author Bio:
Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She often can be found blogging about education and scholarships for college. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.
Related Video:
How To Break Up
Tags: Alexis Bonari, break up, break up advice, how to break up
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Friday, August 6th, 2010
By Michelle Sobel of STD Test Express
 If you’ve ever been betrayed by a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse, you know how the story goes. Suspicion quickly turns into obsession. Obsession becomes pain. And then pain turns into white hot anger. And there’s usually binge eating involved.
But living in a constant state of suspicion and doubt can be a tough way to keep a relationship strong. And if he or she is cheating, your sexual health could be in danger as well. That’s when the rubber (or lack thereof!) meets the road.
There has been a lot written about the signs a significant other may be cheating, and there are plenty of gadgets that could help get the necessary proof. But you don’t need to spend thousands on cameras, microphones or computer spyware. There’s the darling internet and lower tech ways to suss out the truth.
Social Media Doesn’t Sleep
Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, texts… leave a trail. And it’s an easy trail to follow.
Social media has unveiled a new way for people to stay in touch. But it can also tempt some to stay in touch with people you may not like them speaking to. (i.e. exes, old flames or hookups). Check out his or her recent actions, including wall posts, new friends and pictures.
If he or she is consistently on the computer late at night or quickly closes windows when you walk in the room, these may be signs you should do some snooping.
While your partner may be smart enough to not post messages or pictures, the person he or she is cheating with may not be aware of the situation and post incriminating evidence. These items could even be used later in court if the relationship went very sour. See Tiger Woods.
The Secret Flower Sender
This may sound corny, but it’s been known to work. Send anonymous flowers to your partner’s place of work but don’t include any items that might give away who sent them.
If your partner is being faithful, he or she will likely give you a thank you call or bring up the nice gesture the next time you speak. However if he or she never mentions the gift, something might be wrong. Likely your partner was unsure if you or another person sent the items and will proceed cautiously until you bring up something like, “Did you get my flowers today?”
Get an STD Test…Together
A word of caution before you consider this tactic: many STDs can be asymptomatic for years. That means, you can have an infection and not know it. For years. Like before you were even dating or even married. It’s possible you or your partner may have contracted an infection – and did not know about it – so a positive test does not necessarily mean that someone has been unfaithful.
However, simply posing the suggestion to get tested can be very telling based on your partner’s reaction. If you and your partner are truly in a trusting relationship, this shouldn’t be a problem for either party. But if he or she is hesitant or questions the idea at all, it might be time to sit down and talk about the reasons why. And if he or she refuses to get tested, it’s just not a good sign.
Before you go on a crazed snooping rampage, rifling through cell phone records, credit card statement, and emails – have a conversation. Give the person you love the benefit of the doubt. If you’ve had bad experiences in the past, it’s hard to trust anyone again. Living in suspicion is not healthy for anyone. But when it comes to your sexual health, it’s best to protect yourself. Cheating won’t just break your heart. It can hurt much deeper than that.
Author Bio:
Michelle Sobel is the co-founder of Analyte Media and publisher of STD Test Express. She also regularly discusses sexual health issues on her blog, Unzipped.
Tags: catch a cheater, cheating, cheating and std risk, michelle sobel, std fact, std myth
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Friday, July 16th, 2010
By Michelle Sobel of STD Test Express
 If you’ve ever been betrayed by a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse, you know how the story goes. Suspicion quickly turns into obsession. Obsession becomes pain. And then pain turns into white hot anger. And there’s usually binge eating involved.
Constantly living in suspicion and doubt is a tough way to keep a relationship strong, and there’s been plenty written about ways to find out the truth about your partner’s commitment to you. Find birth-control pills in your wife’s medicine cabinet, but you’ve had a vasectomy? Does he have unexplained texts or credit card charges? Instances like these are definite causes for concern. But asking your partner to get an STD test? It might seem like a surefire way of finding out the truth, but it’s not.
Here’s the thing: many STDs can be asymptomatic for years. That means, you can have an infection and not know it. For years. Like before you were even dating or even married. It’s possible you or your partner may have contracted an infection – and did not know about it – so a positive test does not necessarily mean that someone has been unfaithful.
Genital herpes symptoms, for example, can be a “no show” for quite a while. Most cases of chlamydia and gonorrhea can be present with no symptoms as well. So, even if you request that your partner take an STD test and it comes back positive, it’s completely possible that one of you may have contracted the infection before dating and didn’t know it.
However if you both have been tested recently and were negative, and then a positive test shows up, that may tell a different story. And simply posing the suggestion to get tested can be very telling based on your partner’s reaction. If you and your partner are truly in a trusting relationship, this shouldn’t be a problem for either party. But if he or she is hesitant or questions the idea at all, it might be time to sit down and talk about the reasons why. And if he or she refuses to get tested, how much do they really care for you?
So what do we suggest? Get tested with your partner before starting a new sexual relationship. Make it a rule that you never break. Then you’ll both know your sexual health status from the beginning of the relationship, and you won’t have to live in the dark.
Author Bio:
Michelle Sobel is the co-founder of Analyte Media and publisher of STD Test Express. She also regularly discusses sexual health issues on her blog, Unzipped.
Tags: cheating and std risk, michelle sobel, std fact, std myth
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Friday, July 2nd, 2010
 When I use the words “men” and “rebound” in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren’t the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.
So what causes men to so quickly move from a break-up with you to the arms of another woman? Understandably, you might think it has to do with him not being particularly invested in his relationship with you. You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your break-up; that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” Those assumptions would be perfectly reasonable. They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men actually emotionally invest in a relationship, their feelings (whether they show it or not) run as deeply as your own. So when their relationship crumbles before them, it causes a huge emotional void. But unlike you, men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. They can’t cry to their friends, seeks solace from their mothers, or drown their feelings in a bucket of “Chunky Monkey.” If they thought that kind behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook, and breaching these would cause them to be a target of ridicule, pity and serious lampooning from their male “comrades-in-arms.”
So what’s a guy to do? He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam, to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. And how does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotional and sexual. And the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled, man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again.
Thus, it can be stated that the speed in which a man moves from a bitter break-up to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling: The deeper the hurt the quicker the hook-up. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your break-up, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Then, with that understanding in place, it is perfectly reasonable to go home and cut his head out of all the photos of him you own, and incinerate them in your barbecue. Hey, he deals with his pain one way, you deal with yours another. Who’s to judge?
© 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.
Author Bio:
Besides being a popular advice columnist, relationship coach, and author of the controversial book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think.” David M. Matthews is an Emmy-winning TV Writer/Producer who has worked on some of network television’s favorite shows. As such, he has given relationship advice to everyone from Hollywood celebs to people he’s met in line at Target. If you would like to join the ranks of those he has advised, or would just like more information on David, please go to www.EveryManSeesYouNaked.com.
Tags: are you on the rebound, dating advice, david matthews, men rebound, relationship rebound
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Wednesday, May 5th, 2010
By Dee Sanderson Author of How To Marry A Loser Without Even Trying
 Continuing with my theme of new beginnings let’s pick up where we left off in my last column. When last we chatted you were going to take an honest look at your relationship and clean out any unpleasantness you’d been avoiding. But once things are nice and neat what to do next?
Now one of two things may have resulted from your “Spring cleaning”. Either your relationship is stronger and happier or perhaps you are now single. Well either way it’s a good time to start things fresh. Let’s examine that first scenario.
You and your sexy man have tackled the ugly stuff festering in the darkened corners of your love life and cleared the air. Hopefully this left you feeling a renewed commitment to each other. The thing is you need to keep that feeling going. Don’t just sink back into old habits. It’s time to try new things in all the different areas of your relationship. How long have you two been talking about taking a long weekend to drive up to that resort and relax? Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Pick up that phone or go online and make a reservation. Well… go ahead I’ll wait.
But don’t stop there. Now that you have some intimate alone time scheduled, take the time to plan some fun. Pull down the bag with all those naughty nighties that’s been gathering dust in the back of your closet for the last two years. Hmm… Some of them don’t fit anymore? (Yeah… my ass has been spreading a bit too here lately. Ah well.) That’s OK, it’s time to hit Vicki’s or Freddie’s and pick up some new ones. You know what your man likes to see you in. And even if some of what he likes makes you blush, well, get over it. Remember we’re starting fresh so that means no holding on to old insecurities. Your relationship is strong, you can’t be afraid to turn up the heat and try new things. So yes… those stiletto thigh-high boots in the store window that you’ve been giving the side-eye need to find their way into your shopping bag. (I’ve seen the results first-hand so trust me… you’ll thank me later.)
After a particularly tough time in one relationship, my man and I decided to try something new. He asked me out on a date as though we’d never met before. He “picked me up” (even though we lived together) and we went out to eat and to the movies. We kept up the game for the whole night pretending we were just getting to know each other. And later that night… Well I’m ashamed to admit we had some fantastic “first date” sex. Fun little games like that are just one way to keep the spark in your relationship and heat things up.
Now for my single ladies starting over. First of all, I cannot stress enough that you are in a fabulous position. Never mind what mainstream society says, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. I say again. Nothing wrong with being single. In fact some of the most fun I’ve had in my life was when I was single. It was those same times that made a stronger more self-assured woman who knows exactly what she wants. This is a time for you to relax, reflect and have fun. Yes, even by yourself. This is not a time for you to run out and see how fast you can launch yourself back into a serious relationship.
If your heart is broken and you’ve been sitting home crying, that’s OK too. There is time for that, but it can’t go on forever. At some point you need to pick yourself up off the floor and get on with the business of living. As a writer I may be a bit biased, but I’ve always found that a good novel is a great way to distract me while my heart is healing. I’ve read my way through all sorts of pain, both physical and emotional and it does the trick for me every time.
Once your mourning period is passed it’s time to start spoiling yourself. Make an appointment for a spa day and get pampered. Get dressed up and go out to the nicest restaurant you can find. If the maître d eyes you strangely while looking over your shoulder to see who you’re dining with, tell him in a strong clear voice with a big ole smile, “It’s just one.” then sit down and enjoy your meal.
I told those ladies in a relationship to plan a get-away, now I’m telling you to do the same. Pack a bag and take off for someplace beautiful for the weekend. (Longer if you can swing it.) Pack your swim suit and that book with the dried tear-stains in it, fill up that iPod with your favorite jams and go enjoy your freedom!
Pretty soon you’ll be practically glowing with strength and self-esteem. You may be surprised at how often you are approached by men when they see you out, happy and enjoying yourself… all by yourself. Men are more attracted to women that are free of emotional baggage and drama. And guess what? Whether or not you want to be bothered is completely up to you. You could have a couple of nice dates, or maybe a fun fling. Whatever you want.
OK so single or committed you’ve got your assignments. Get out there, embrace your fresh start and enjoy your life! I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.
*Note: For part one of this article visit: Relationship Reality Checks
Author Bio:
Dee Sanderson is a relationship expert and author of “How To Marry A Loser Without Even Trying”. For more tips and information visit www.marryaloser.com
Tags: Dee Sanderson, evaluate relationship, improve relationship, move on, steps to a better relationship
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Monday, May 3rd, 2010
by Judy Price, Break Up Examiner
 When a relationship ends, along with the sexual life that accompanied it, there is a void of physical contact and intimacy with another human being.
While grieving the couple loss, sex might be the last thing on one person’s mind, and for another it could be the only thing he/she can think about.
This can be a risky time for some individuals who are looking for comfort and healing, leading them to sexual encounters outside of a relationship.
Men, in particular, are able to separate sex from a relationship; whereas women, in general, bond more quickly once sex enters the dynamic. Sexually, a woman’s emotional needs are better satisfied in a relationship.
Before healing can occur it is unwise to enter into any new relationship, for all of the reasons previously discussed in my break-up advice articles.
As sexual desire returns, a man/woman must decide how to handle his/her needs in a healthy manner. This is an individual decision based on one’s values.
Some healthy outlets might involve focusing on physically active pursuits, along with work and other interests, as well as ‘making love to oneself’.
As time passes and one heals, hopefully another relationship will occur if that is desired.
If not, and one prefers to be alone, a satisfying life is possible with the proper mindset.
Author Bio:
Judy Price has several years of counseling experience. Currently, Judy is facilitating divorce care recovery groups. Prior to that Judy was the director of an employee assistance program, as well as a marriage and separation counsellor. Judy has a Bachelor of Psychology degree and a Master of Education degree in Adult Education and Counselling Psychology. You can contact Judy through judypriceiswriting.com.
Tags: break up sex, healing after break up, judy price, surviving break up
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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
by Judy Price, Break Up Examiner
 When a relationship breaks down and a couple separates, in addition to these two people, there are others who suffer.
When there are children involved, no matter what their ages, they become victims of the loss as well, through no fault of their own.
The younger the child, the more guilt is felt, as he/she is not able to comprehend that the ‘world doesn’t revolve around him/her’, and he/she did not cause the breakup.
In-laws and extended family might feel divided loyalties.
Friends, especially couples, also might feel they need to take sides.
There are no easy solutions.
Children need to be reassured by both parents that they are loved and safe and not to blame, in spite of the inevitable split in living arrangements.
Enlisting the assistance of child psychologists or experts in child development might be necessary to learn the best ways to deal with individual children’s needs.
Informing children’s teachers of the situation is vital so that they can be vigilant of any behavioral signs of depression, anxiety and anger.
The temptation sometimes is for one or both partners to ‘use’ the children as messengers or pawns in an adversarial situation.
Maligning the other parent must be avoided.
This is a dangerous scenario which will engender animosity and anxiety in children who will feel they must choose one parent over the other even though both are loved equally.
Custody issues need to be addressed when under-aged children are involved.
What is in the child’s best interest always needs to be the goal of both parents in spite of ones own desires.
In order to accomplish that task, a family mediator might need to be enlisted to assist in negotiating the best possible outcome for the children.
When both individuals are able to put the child’s needs first and create a secure, loving environment in both homes, the children of the family will not only survive the breakup, but will become stronger, more resilient people as a result.
Author Bio:
Judy Price has several years of counseling experience. Currently, Judy is facilitating divorce care recovery groups. Prior to that Judy was the director of an employee assistance program, as well as a marriage and separation counsellor. Judy has a Bachelor of Psychology degree and a Master of Education degree in Adult Education and Counselling Psychology. You can contact Judy through judypriceiswriting.com.
Tags: children and divorce, coping with divorce, judy price, preparing children for divorce, talking to children about divorce
Posted in Divorce, break up, leave | No Comments »
Friday, April 16th, 2010
By Dee Sanderson Author of How To Marry A Loser Without Even Trying
 It’s that time of year again. I love Spring. It’s my favorite season. After a long winter of hibernating it’s like everything just, well, springs to life. It’s a time for new beginnings when it suddenly feels like everything is possible. You could change anything you wanted to. Including your relationships. Ladies, it’s time to clean house.
Often when we get comfortable in a relationship we avoid looking at some of the uglier things that we’d just prefer not to deal with. But just like you’ll take the time during that annual Spring cleaning frenzy to clean those cobwebs out of every nook and cranny of your apartment, I suggest you invest just as much energy examining some of the unpleasantness lurking in the darkened corners of your love life.
But where to begin? It’s my firm belief that all change starts from within and this is no exception. One of the best ways to sniff out things that might need changing is using your instincts…. Oh, OK fine, I’ll say it! Use your intuition.
I’ll admit that in my life I’ve often been guilty of ignoring those little feelings that something just isn’t right. Now, after years of scoffing at the idea of “Women’s Intuition” I’ve finally come to realize that had I listened to that little voice inside more often, I would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache and grief. Like the time this so called music video producer I was dating told me he always drove a different car because he got bored with them and the car dealer let him trade them out whenever he wanted. Yeah, sounded like a bunch of crap then and still does. So why was I so shocked to discover that he was, in fact, not a producer of any kind but a used car salesman? Because when he first dropped that gem on me I pushed that tight little feeling in the pit of my stomach further down. I didn’t really want to know the truth because the lie was so much more attractive. Boy did I wind up paying for my willful ignorance later on! (But that’s another story.)
I once saw this movie on HBO called Hysterical Blindness about a woman who completely deluded herself where her love life was concerned. I remember thinking, “That poor foolish woman. How could she be so stupid? So desperate?” Then I changed the channel to something more entertaining without ever making the connection to my own blindness. It can be scary to look deep down inside and confront the truth about a bad relationship. Especially one that you’ve been in for a year or more. If that frog you convinced yourself was a prince is ultimately revealed to be, well, a frog, what does that say about you? Your mind begins to swirl out of control with fears and questions. Am I really that desperate? Has everyone been laughing at me all this time? How could I have wasted so much of my life? What if nobody else wants me? Am I going to wind up old and alone if I leave him?
What I’ve come to learn is the only way to get past those fears is to face and accept them. Sometimes facing the truth can be like pulling off a band-aid. If you could just make yourself snatch it off quickly you know the pain will be sharp but over in an instant. Do it slowly and you only prolong your agony. Once I got real, the fears that plagued me at the mere thought of picking at the scabs in my relationship got easier and easier to battle.
Am I really that desperate? No, I’m just human and enjoyed the feeling of being in love. It’s OK to make mistakes sometimes.
Has everyone been laughing at me? Maybe, but who cares about them? Ultimately, I’m the one that has to live with my choices. (And really they were probably just scared of my reaction to them meddling in my business.)
How could I have wasted so much of my life? What really matters is that I not waste any more of it on someone who doesn’t really make me happy.
Am I going to wind up old and alone? That’s just silly. I met him, I’ll meet someone else. Period.
It was that same voice inside that helped me discover my significant other had been unfaithful. You see I just knew something was wrong and that I needed to dig a little deeper. It took me months of arguing with myself that I was being silly or I should just trust him more before I finally pushed aside all those so called rationalizations and found out the truth for myself. And boy was it ugly.
Was it painful? Yes.
Was I miserable for a while? Yes.
Did I cry myself to sleep? Yes.
But…
Did I live? Yes!
Has my life been happier and more fulfilled since escaping a bad relationship? Yes!
Have I had a blast dating and meeting new men since it was over? Yes!
Do I miss him at all? No!
So there you are ladies. Have courage. Have faith. Look inside and ask yourself the tough questions about your relationship. Before you know it you’ll be well on your way to cleaning house by means of the Intuition Express.
Author Bio:
Dee Sanderson is a relationship expert and author of “How To Marry A Loser Without Even Trying”. For more tips and information visit www.marryaloser.com
Tags: bad relationship, Dee Sanderson, find a new relationship, Moving On, time for a new relationship, tips to move on
Posted in Moving On, break up, leave | 1 Comment »
Friday, April 2nd, 2010
By Susan Pease Gadoua
 Leanne is sure her fiance will grow up once their baby is born (she’s eight and a half months pregnant and he’s still out snorting cocaine until the wee hours of the morning); Beth thought that her husband would have found work by now, but, nine years later, she is beginning to realize that despite his MBA and JD degrees, he has no intention of finding work – even when it means they will have to sell the house because they can’t afford the mortgage.
These are just two of the many stories I hear about how women chase their man’s potential. They are willing to look past the facts, and instead, focus on “who they know he could be.”
Women, far more than men, marry a partner “for their potential.” When these women marry someone who is not who they want them to be today, it’s almost as if they are choosing a project. Men, on the other hand, tend to keep it simple: if someone doesn’t meet his criteria today, he moves on.
I’m not sure if it’s a socialized behavior or genetic, but it certainly seems to be a common phenomenon these days.
What’s ironic is that men often feel equally duped when the women they married transform into someone they don’t recognize.
Mark Twain is quoted as saying, “women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, invariably, each is disappointed.”
The favorite quote among the women I work with is by Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
If the man you want to become the father of your children has not worked during the entire time you have known him, why do you think he will magically “get his act together” when you’ve tied the proverbial knot?
If he’s doing drugs and staying out all hours during your “courtship,” what indication do you have that he will stop doing this just because he now has the title of “husband?”
But magical thinking is rampant these days.
I realize it’s easier said than done to walk away from someone you believe you love but the alternative is much more painful and debilitating.
If you, or someone you know, is in this type of relationship, and you’re at all resistant to what I’m suggesting, I want you to imagine your life five or even ten years from now; perhaps you have children and a house, as well as other adult responsibilities. How will you feel then when your husband is still acting the same way?
My guess is you’ll be exhausted and angry. Pay attention to the signs he’s giving you today!
Author Bio:
Susan Pease Gadoua is the author of Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (August 2008), and Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce (Spring 2010). Susan is a licensed therapist with an expertise in divorce. She has appeared internationally on radio and in print, in publications such as Psychology Today, Wall Street Journal, USA Today and Divorce Magazine. Susan is also a regular columnist for PsychologyToday.com, Examiner.com, ModernWomansDivorceGuide.com.
Tags: dating advice for women, expectations in relationship, Susan Pease Gadoua, Til death part, try to change man
Posted in Divorce, Moving On, break up, leave | No Comments »
Thursday, April 1st, 2010
By: Lisa C. Decker, CDFA™
 Over time I’ve received many, many calls from people who are in need of my services. Unfortunately for some I can’t help them largely because of one big reason – they waited too long to take action.
As a member of the divorce team, the CDFA’s role is to advise on potential financial pitfalls and offer alternative solutions, but in order to do that we must have time to complete a thorough analysis. Waiting until the process is too far along may prevent you from getting the best outcome in your settlement because it may not leave enough time for a thorough analysis or it may be too late to take advantage of our recommendations.
Divorce, like many life-altering challenges, has many decisions to be faced and dealt with. There are documents to be gathered for the financial aspects, issues to be dealt with on the legal side, and relationship issues with children and soon-to-be ex’s. Any one of these can be exhausting, but in combination, they can be flat out overwhelming, leading to more stress in an already distressing environment.
I find clients (financial consulting clients as well) typically fall into one of these modes when faced with decisions:
- They shut down and don’t do anything unless and until it is absolutely necessary.
- They make rash decisions that may not always be in their interests because they hurry through the decision making process.
- They research and become fixated by analysis paralysis.
- Some combination of above.
Obviously, none of these are ideal in helping you get from where you are to where you want to go.
I have many people come to me saying that they felt pressured to make decisions at the settlement table about matters they did not understand. They didn’t feel comfortable asking questions because they didn’t know the right questions to ask. They followed a course of action that was laid before them without being a knowledgeable participant in the plan, because of pressure they felt in the process. Many times these actions (or lack of) spelled disaster and were not in their best interests.
My advice is to formulate a plan which includes doing some initial research to be able to find and consult with the right experts; know the right questions to ask of them; practice, or have others do for you, thorough due diligence, and make sound decisions based on following through with a well-executed plan. This course of action will empower you with knowledge and help you to move forward in life with confidence.
Your life, and your divorce, will go much smoother if you allow enough time to do whatever is necessary to have all of your questions and concerns answered. Putting things off because you don’t want to deal with them, can lead to making uninformed decisions, and many times, the short end of the stick.
No matter the matter at hand – divorce, buying a house, entering any type of contract – take your time to get the answers and analysis you need to make sound decisions.
Remember, you only get one shot at your divorce settlement. Once the deal is done and the papers are signed, you’ll have to live with the results and consequences for the rest of your life.
Author Bio:
Lisa C. Decker, CDFA™ (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) is an expert in divorce financial matters. As a discreet problem-solver and trusted advisor she guides clients to “Divorce Your Spouse, Not Your Money™.” Her soon-to-be-released Program Series – “The Secrets to a Sane, Savvy, Money-$aving Divorce” are filled with industry insider secrets to help guide you to keep more money in your own pocket when dealing with your spouse, your attorney and Uncle Sam! Find out more at www.SaveMoneyInDivorce.com.
Tags: can you afford divorce, divorce and money, divorce settlement, lisa decker, surviving divorce
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Back in the 1970’s a song by Paul Simon entitled Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover topped the charts. If song popularity is any indicator, devising ways to leave a current love-interest has always posed a challenge. While Paul Simon might not have had a problem coming up with fifty ways to leave his lover, many of us find ourselves struggling to come up with even one way of effectively ending a relationship.
