By Jim Bierman author of the book Of Sound Mind to Marry
What do you expect from your partner and from marriage? If you’re like many young couples, you may feel that you and your spouse-to-be are a perfect match and that your future life together is destined to play out perfectly. In your current state of pre-marital bliss, you may believe that there’s no need to talk over boring specifics about sharing a bank account, changing careers, or bringing up kids with your religion rather than your partner’s. After all, you expect that love will conquer all…Or maybe you and your partner don’t define your emotional state as necessarily blissful; still, you love each other and are looking forward to getting married. In your case, the two of you haven’t discussed your marital expectations because, well…you really have no expectations. You’re getting married, you trust your partner, and you figure that whatever problems arise will somehow be reasonably resolved.
Although you may think that the word “expectations” has a negative ring, knowing what you expect and want from marriage is a good thing. When we’re clear about our expectations, we’re much more apt to achieve our goals and be satisfied with the life we’ve built. On the other hand, if we are unclear about what we want, nothing will ever seem good enough. Our desires will be aimless, and we’ll wind up constantly hungering for more than we have.
In this article, we’ll begin by focusing on your expectations—of your partner and of marriage. We’re going to get clear about not only realistic versus blissful expectations but also what’s actually in the back of your mind when you say you have no expectations at all.
Since the one expectation most pre-weds have is that their marriage will last—even though divorce statistics are disheartening—we’re also going to confront those stats and talk about “good-enough” marriages. Just as overanxious moms and dads are advised to stop trying to be perfect parents and to instead become “good-enough” ones, I’ll advise you to think about your relationship in terms of being good-enough. By that I don’t mean settling for someone you don’t love; I mean having what it takes to create a happy, lifelong marriage. In the course of this chapter, you’ll get the chance to assess your relationship and discover if it is a “good-enough match.” To help you figure that out, we’ll consider what current research reveals about who is most likely to have a satisfying and long-lasting marriage.
But first…
What Do You Expect?
Most of us expect our partner to love, honor and cherish us, or we would not ask them to take the marriage vows. But can’t loving, honoring and cherishing be demonstrated in a range of different behaviors? For example, being physically affectionate; showing compassion; being a good listener; taking care of you when you’re sick; respecting your ideas or plans even when they differ from your partner’s. Which of those behaviors do you expect from your future spouse?
On the other hand, aren’t there some behaviors that you absolutely expect your partner never to engage in—like spousal abuse?
Beyond demonstrating that they love us, and not harming us physically, what else do we expect of our mates? The following are some common expectations that come under the umbrella of compatibility. As you consider these, see if you can begin to zero-in on your own specific marital desires and standards.
· I expect sexual compatibility and “chemistry” between us.
· I expect us to get along on a daily basis.
· I expect us to be able to manage an argument without “going nuclear”—and to make up when it’s over.
· I expect us to be in agreement on the important stuff—like having (or not having) kids and planning for our future.
· I expect us to agree on how to manage our money.
· I expect my partner to care about my family.
· I expect us to trust each other and to be there for each other.
· I expect my partner to respect me.
· I expect my partner to be faithful.
Overall, we expect our mate to be compatible in many ways—physically, emotionally, socially, and practically. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we enter into marriage with a long list of unspoken expectations. When we don’t acknowledge our expectations or share them with our mate, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise.
Author Bio:
Dr. Jim Bierman, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified parent evaluator with fourteen years clinical experience. He has been the Court’s expert in divorce, domestic violence and other abusive situations. Through his years of practice he seen first hand how much good can be done with an early intervention and how much harm is done by missed opportunities. Dr. Bierman presents his book Of Sound Mind to Marry as “the first, best opportunity to intervene for couples, the family, and the children who follow.” For more information about Dr. Bierman and his book, visit him at www.OfSoundMindtoMarry.com.
